Good morning! I started this blog yesterday AM and did not finish but it's important to me to post where I'm at on a given day so I am going to keep this up. When the font changes colors, we are in today and what I'm posting this morning.
Well. I am feeling a bit chagrined. Because yesterday was dramatic. It was. But at least it wasn't intentional. When I feel like I felt yesterday, I tend to do the emotional vomit thing and yeah...I did that.
And now today, I'm better. Having a hard time motivating myself, but I am better.
Last night, I got home and no one was here but then my daughter called. She had gotten a color and a haircut and wanted to show it to me. She's darling. She's very slowly going to go blond, I haven't seen her blond hair in years so I'm excited. She's been black for years so they have to go slow. Her hair is still very dark but a bit of red came through (because of the lighter brown on black) and it's stunning. But I have wanted to see her as a blond for soooooo soooooo long. It'll take her over a year of color to get there but it'll be fun to see the changes as they occur.
I needed to get some exercise in so I danced after she called to say she was coming over and after she left, I did some yoga.
Some of my clothes are already getting loose on me. My new clothes. Here we go again but it's good. It's all good. I'm going to refrain from buying new stuff until my current clothes are hanging on me.
I did get in a shower and skincare too. Yes.
I was thinking yesterday, last night actually, about what happened to me yesterday. I still have these big emotions. They won't go away without meds. But also...you know, I have a lot of stuff I "stuff." And it's not an unwillingness to deal with shit, it's more like, "I don't have time right now." But the problem with that, is that it then comes out when it wants to and I bleed all over everything.
And I have gotten much better at dealing with them but it's embarrassing, the shit I still do on FB when I'm in spiral mode. I really have to stop doing that.
Drama.
I felt much, much better by the time I went to sleep last night. I did eat a piece of cheesecake though, lol.
It was so good to just have some time alone last night. So. Fucking. Good.
I will say too, that I am feeling overwhelmed again and I'm trying to...
Get my head on straight.
Here's what I mean by that. The thing that has always happened to me...in school, at work, with my business; I get clustered up. I get too many things in my head. While I have an amazing long term memory, my short term sucks so things slide, they get fuzzy, messed up and confused. I have no idea what that is. I suspect but cannot say definitively, that it's a combination of ADHD and anxiety.
So I miss things; I forget things. I slept well last night, still without meds here, and the first thing I thought was, "shit, I forget to bring (so and so), her fob band."
This is one reason meditation is so important in the mornings for me. It helps me to become present and it helps to quiet the "confusion" and "chaos" in my head enough to be able to prioritize on some level and to get things done. My MO has always been to give in and do something fun or something that's interesting to me.
I'm also just...you know that line in Stairway to Heaven where Robert sings, "there's a feeling I get, when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving..." that kind of describes my whole life; always looking off in the distance, yearning for what I don't know.
So yesterday. It ended up good. It really did. I did not exercise in the morning. But my sister called me and we were talking and laughing as she was driving over here. She still likes to sometimes be here to work. I am 100% ok with that. It makes me happy to come home, (she's usually gone by the time I get home), and know that she was here. I was used to seeing her literally almost everyday. But I got to see her yesterday and we were happy and laughing and talking. I gave her a big hug before I walked out the door. Now that's the way to start a day.
So work was doable yesterday. It seemed that yesterday went very quickly, but it always does when I have a full plate of "duties" so to speak.
And when I left, I found that I did not want to go home. Not at all. I'm getting antsy, I want my own place and my daughter does too. But we talk each other down. It's not quite time. I know where we're going to move and right now they only have a 3 bedroom available.
Neither one of us has really buckled down and gone over a budget and what that would look like, nor are we saving a shit ton of $$, which is why we chose to stay here for now; so we could save.
Anyways, I digress. I uh, I didn't want to go home. So I chose instead to stop at this junction before the highway that is along the Mississippi and has paths, etc. and I went for a walk, it was so beautiful. I sensed some deep energy there. There are places in our world, that I feel are gates. Gates to other. I've only found a few of them in my life and this was one of them. I don't know, just some Sacred energy.
Loved it.
I picked up a few trinkets along the way. I always ask permission and I always say thank you. I saw so many trees that had come down but were so amazing in form. There is one, she is so beautiful and I don't give a shit what people will think, I plan to go to her again and sit in front of her and meditate.
I was so drawn to her.
But then you'll proud of me because I still didn't want to go home so I went to Bath & Body and I did not buy a single thing, I just looked and wished. I mainly only buy their candles and their accessories. They have some amazing Halloween stuff. But I refrained folks!
Then my friend Erin called me and we talked until I felt like going home and then my daughter and I spent a little time together and off to lala land went I.
This morning has been quiet and slow but good.
But now...I have one precious hour left before I have to leave.
And so off I go.
I have no idea, other than lack of sleep, what got me so worked up the other day. Maybe I don't need to, maybe it's not something deep, maybe, well no not maybe, I am grateful it didn't last, that it was fleeting, I didn't have to stay in it and go nuts. I flowed right through and yesterday I was better and this morning anyways, at least in this moment, I have that feeling of hope, gratitude and contentedness again.
I hope you are able to feel these things as well today. They are so good. I do, I wish that for everyone who reads.
Have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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