I've been up since 2:22AM. Blah.
Whatevah.
I think I'm hyper because I'm going to see Metallica tonight and I'm excited. I'm leaving right from work. My friend Jeannie is going to pick me up and we'll head straight there.
Finally.
I've been waiting for this. I'm going to be in the same space as James Hetfield. I feel like a teenager, lol.
Oh you guys, truth be told, I'm going through it.
Most of you know what I've been dealing with at work. I finally talked to my boss about it yesterday. She was very validating but this whole thing is so fucking humiliating and I'm angry that I've even been put in this position.
I really think this dude is harmless. I do. But does that mean that I have to put up with his shit? You know, I was thinking about the whole victim thing. I shy away from that now because I lived many years from that point of view and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think I might be back there. But in mulling it over, you know I realized something. You can be victimized and yet not be a victim. I have been bitching about it to one coworker in particular and it's not that she's unsupportive, but I think she doesn't want to hear it.
Which is OK.
I know this isn't about me because he does this to all the women but they also are mostly married and so I think he's pushed the envelope with me because I'm single.
I was talking to my roommate this morning, we haven't crossed paths all week and he was surprised to see me up but I told him that I spoke to my boss yesterday and he said that I did the right thing. I feel better having heard that from a man. He doesn't think I'm being ridiculous, he thinks this guy is an idiot.
And you know, that is what it comes down to. He was telling a resident about his travels yesterday and she asked if he went with someone and he says, "No, I do everything alone." And you know, I don't play the self-pity game anymore and maybe that was just a statement but I felt that it was made for my benefit, like I'm supposed to feel bad. I could write out everything he's done and said but I got shit to do this morning. Lots of shit to do.
He's immature, he's egotistical as hell, he's passive aggressive, he imposes himself on people and shares his opinion when it's not asked for.
You know, like I said, I'm not afraid of this guy but his behavior has triggered some unhealed part of me and my anxiety has literally been through the roof and yeah, now I'm the one who has to get help and walk through this.
My boss said she didn't want to talk to him alone, that she was going to involve some higher ups but she must've said something because he left me the fuck alone the rest of the day yesterday. It was such a relief.
As women know, we take on this guilt when the ownership of that guilt should be on the shoulders of the person acting out. I have nothing to feel guilty for. I have done nothing wrong. I never expected in a million years, at my age, to be in the middle of a situation like this. The Gods are honing me once again. Maybe so I don't have to come back to this place again...meaning in my next life.
But I've pretty much decided to stop talking about it to any of my coworkers no matter how close I feel I may be getting to one of them and just...let the people who really know me, give me support and advice. She probably thinks I'm overreacting, at least that's the feeling I get and you know, I'm cool with keeping it professional. I have a lot of support. I keep saying that but I do and I'm grateful.
Time to let the drama of it all, just go and if nothing is done about it, if nothing changes, I'll leave. I have found that this job causes me a lot of sorrow anyways. I think it's too close to mom and her situation and next Thursday is the one year anniversary of her death so I've been hanging in there thinking that maybe this sensitivity will pass once that date passes.
And now it's 6:30 so I gotta get me arse moving.
Life though, right?
Be Blessed!
Love & Light,
Neecie
No comments:
Post a Comment