Flagging Defences

 Hi Guys,

I posted this from somewhere other than my home computer so don't have access to my logo.

Here is today's post:

Hard day for me. I didn’t sleep last night but I have come far enough to know that:

A: I can go awhile without it, I’ll live

B: If I have to, I will start taking meds again – But I am really hoping I won’t have to

C: I’m not against meds anymore. But it’s expensive. I will have to figure that out

D: If I go into crisis due to lack of sleep, I have to reach out for help

 

I don’t want to ever revisit past choices. Never. Ever. Again.

 

And so if I go into crisis, yes, I have to let people know…

 

But I’m having a hard time in other respects. You know, I do like my job. It’s easy task wise but, uh, emotionally, it just gets me.

 

My job is basically that of a receptionist. No big deal, right? Except that I work with people who confide in me, who rely on me, who use me as first point of contact for complaints, concerns and fears.

 

I see on a daily basis what dementia does to a person, as if I didn’t live it already with momma and really, what momma went through was nothing compared to the level that is experienced by some.

 

I not only observe what the residents go through but I get to know the families too. They share their pain, anger, fear and sorrow with me.

 

I’m not going to name the organization I work for but I will say as far as my experience with Mom goes, this place is by far the best I’ve experienced. However, it’s not the same as having the $$ to have someone care for your loved one at home, one on one.

 

It’s nowhere near the same. But I hear from the caregivers too. I honestly don’t know how they do it.

 

For me though, all I can see is how these people got ripped off. I see and feel all the hurt of all the people affected.

 

You know, I always tell people I was such a little monster when I was young and truth be told, I was. But there’s another truth too. I was empathetic beyond my years too. I was very, very sensitive. I cried at sad movies, I wanted to comfort others in pain.

 

I remember one time mom had probably been feeling overwhelmed with the 3 of us and she was on her bed crying and I came in and I rubbed her back and her feet and I sang to her. It freaked me out that my “rock” was hurting and I just wanted to sooth her and make her feel better.

 

And my teachers almost always described me as a paradox; angry outbursts which sometimes turned violent, negative attention seeking, not attentive enough and yet…so sensitive and wanting to help and also defending the “underdog.” I was always described as wise beyond my years.

 

And you can poo poo this if you want, I don’t frankly care, but that is why I believe I’ve been here before.

 

So while I have learned to regulate these big feelings and to even sit in peace and quiet and “serenity” (which I have described recently as a feeling of contentedness), the daily onslaught of the feelings, hurts, pains, fears of others hits me hard and me defenses are flagging.

 

And so too, is my fear that this will happen to me. I forget so much and this morning, I forgot the words to the prayers I say and it freaked me out. I literally sat there for 10 extra minutes until I got them all right and I had to really talk myself off the cliff with this…like I didn’t get enough sleep and I’m never on my game when I don’t sleep.

 

But that screwed with my head big time.

 

And it’s 9 days…9 days until it’s been a year since Momma left us; her children and her grandchildren. I know she wouldn’t have wanted to, there was no choice, death…it’s relentless. I miss my mom. She was my person, often times to a degree that wasn’t healthy but I put her in that position, it wasn’t her fault. She was too loving to set boundaries. I’m not okaying it but her heart was just so caring. I blame that shit on myself.

 

I think I probably need to take next Thursday off. And I’m going to. I need to. I have the time.

 

I am going to the gym after work because I was too tired to do it this morning but no one will be home tonight so I am going to get home from the gym, shower and then do yoga and cry and cry and cry.

 

Yes. I am a fucking cry baby. Most days I don’t even know why. But I guess if I need to, I’ll just do it cause apparently it gets some shit out, I guess it’s a release, right? But it could also be my mental disorder as BIG feelings are a part of that.

 

It is so needed to have some time alone. I don’t get it often enough. My darling girl texted me to remind me that I would have that tonight, my roommate won’t be home until 9, which is not the norm, so I’m going to make the most of the time alone.

 

Yay for alone time.

 

Please send good vibes, prayers, reiki, all the “stuff” for a good night’s sleep tonight. I do better when I sleep.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie