My Grey is sitting on my lap so I'm all hunched over trying to type and I must say, it's a bit difficult. Perhaps if I give her some love, she will have had her fill for the morning and I'll be able to do this comfortably.
Nope. Still on my lap, purr at 100%. Oop, she went for me. She gets overstimulated and bites. But she never breaks the skin.
Ok, she moved. My leg hurts. I've had weird pain in my right leg, like the femur bone I think, for years. I don't know if I hurt it at some point and didn't notice but it'll be something I get looked at once I get insurance at work. I could've signed up when I started but I didn't want to pay for it yet.
I had a good day yesterday. My daughter and I went to a play downtown Minneapolis on Thursday night. We saw Little Shop of Horrors and they did a great job. It was so good and funny and the singing was amazing. My daughter kept thanking me for bringing her.
We got home late and I ate late, which I rarely ever do, except for the wake up snacking which is going this week. I'm not going to get on the scale until a week from now and see what really knocking it out will do for me.
Anyways, I digress. In spite of being ridiculously tired, I had a good day. I was able to go on a pretty steady pace at work and get a lot done there, the day went fairly quickly, no long stretches of boredom trying to find something to do. And I have a list for Monday already. Yeah, I know, a list but for work, it's OK. Truth be told I have one for today too.
But I want to talk about yesterday. I got home and I didn't feel drained, I didn't feel overly tired. I felt energized. So I cleaned a bit and got some of the things that were on my list for today, done ahead of time. I showered and then my daughter got home from work so we talked a bit and I went to bed. But I realized at one point, "hey, I feel happy."
Happiness for me, in the past, could be this big trigger because happiness for me, was an almost manic kind of happy.
I've been assessed multiple times and I do not have bi-polar. But I do have a diagnosis, and big ass feelings come with it. So happiness was like a high and it almost inevitably led to me using my DOC. Bender time, big time.
And I suppose there's a psychology behind that. Self-sabotage because "I don't deserve to be happy" shit.
Or just not being able to handle such a huge feeling. I don't feel like "normal" people. I feel extra. It's a problem.
But...it's a problem that's been getting better. I still cry a lot but I don't question it. I just cry...who knows why.
But last night, I realized I felt content again. And it's a peaceful happiness. Gratitude and self-love are a big part of it and I didn't freak out, I sat in it. I let it in. It wasn't a big deal either. I just let myself have that experience.
It was so cool.
I was a little thrown off this morning because I assumed that my roommate worked this weekend and my big plans for today were sortof contingent on that but it's ok, it is. I still am doing laundry, I still am going to do all the things I want to do.
It's not that I don't like him, I love him so much, it's just that I'm so private and it's hard for me to put good energy into certain things when someone is here, around me.
And I decided something. I'm rewarding my ass when I have "perfect weeks". When I get everything done, when I put myself out there, when I make progress. The reason for this is that you know, I like "stuff", I like things. I made a list of things I can reward myself with and it's only one reward per paycheck and it can't exceed an amount I've set. If it's more than that, then the reward is putting money in savings until I can afford it. An example of that is that I want a standing jewelry cabinet. I know what I want, I know what I want it to look like...I just haven't found one but the ones that come close, they are costly. So if I want that, it's gonna take a few paychecks to save for it.
But yeah, it can be jewelry, a concert, makeup, crystals, whatever.
I've always been about instant gratification and there is still some of that in this but at least it'll be because I've achieved something.
I'm trying to change my attitude as soon as it rears it's invasive head. I can go into a fugue at times. It's a form of denial and I am to justify things (spending on things) that I can't afford.
But now my little rewards will be part of my budget and they won't be out of control and they won't be put in place to cover up feelings of inadequacy or of being overwhelmed or even just outright defiance. Because the defiance is towards myself and that's stupid. I know I shouldn't use the word stupid but com'on, let's call it like it is...which...is stupid.
Ok, so today is for working on products and getting some other things done. I'm going into work for an hour to train someone. She doesn't know I'm coming. I hope she'll be receptive.
Yeah, it'll be full but tomorrow should be amazing for so many reasons and so I won't blog again until tomorrow evening so I can tell you about my day and how it plays out and I'll let you know how today goes too.
So.
You all have a great day, OK?
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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