Hi Guys,
Ok, so I deactivated my previous blogs. We're starting at day 1 again. I just want to incorporate Willow's Whimsy into this...and it's the whole deal; mental, spiritual, emotional and physical growth, ya know? So often, I write in detail about my daily goings on and my IBS and all that but I don't really get into the deeper parts of me and what I'm really trying to do here is to write about my struggles and what I'm doing to get beyond them and to thrive.
So what's going on with me?
As far as my struggles, I need to first say that I have come so far. And I think I need to honor that more. I still get into the self-bashing stuff. I am not who I was 20 years ago. I have to remember that who I was, was not "bad". Cuz I've lived much of my life from that perspective too; I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I don't measure up to others, etc. And I self sabotage too as if to "prove" these thoughts to myself. I'm not so much there anymore.
Ever since I crashed yet again a year and a half ago, I have been on this journey. You all know I hate the word recovery. I do use it when I explain to new people that I don't drink but I hate that word. Maybe I need to blog about that. Dig in a little deeper, I'm not sure.
The big things right now is getting my spending back under control, to live on a budget, to get physically healthy and that includes quitting smoking once and for all and exercising, etc. My IBS has reared it's ugly head again and that is hard to take. But it's because of my own actions with food and I don't say that to demean myself, it's factual, it's OK. I'm not "bad" because of it, I just struggle.
So there's that.
Follow through is hard for me and my list making is a part of that. I have got to stop thinking so rigidly. My thoughts and my actions do not match up. I need to get that shit in alignment.
I'm scared of a lot of things.
Surprisingly to me, maybe not to those of you who have been reading for so long, one of the biggest things I'm afraid of is men. And yeah, I have a situation I'm working through. But I believe "situations" are put in our path as an opportunity for growth. I don't like this person, I don't want him near me.
I think he's harmless as far as physical stuff, it's more the way he is and how he imposes himself upon people. There are some huge red flags for me with this one.
I do not have to have this person in my life. It's not even an afterthought, it's just truth. I do however, have to have him in one part of my life so I need to learn to deal with that in a way that's not harmful to myself. Cuz you know, things backfire and I'm just so goddamned sensitive to the actions of others.
But this is a "him" problem, not a "me" problem. It's OK really to just be me and not give him any attention or power, he is who he is and like I said, there's no physical threat.
I need to get going here but let me just say that the other thing; it's my feelings about my step-monster, The Mishelob.
I'll explain that name later. I have very different thoughts on forgiveness now. You know, that's this huge catch word; forgiveness.
The bottom line is I no longer believe anyone has to "forgive" anything. What I believe is that we need to let things go though. She's out there probably living her best life and she does not give a shit about me or someone else who doesn't deserve that. I won't speak for that person but she too, does not deserve the way that woman has behaved.
No, it's not about forgiveness. For me, forgiveness comes when the person see's the harm they have caused, when it affects them deep down inside and so they want to change and they do change. That has not happened here. Realistically, it will probably never happen. But my point is, I am not a thought in her mind, yet she is mine. I have lots of thoughts. So..rather than forgive, I need to let go and I'm going to work on this in my life, on this blog and in my videos.
Letting go seems doable to me. I have the key to unlock the chains I've bound myself to her with. The chains are mine, the lock is mine and so is the key.
So these are some of the biggies I need to work on. And I will process that here. At the end of the day, I know it may help someone else.
And very surprisingly, over the past 6 or so years. I have discovered something about myself...I am a helper. I've had to put boundaries on this but yeah, I have a deep desire to help others.
So if helping myself and healing myself helps others to do the same, then that's a fucking bonus man. A big, huge bonus.
So on that note, I have to go do the grind and believe that the grind means something. That it'll pay off.
I'm so grateful to all of you who have stuck by this blog, and me, all the years that I have been doing this blogging deal.
Let's be truthful, this has changed to, it has "become" and is still "becoming". It's better than it once was, that's for sure. It is no longer weaponized. It's just me, little Neecie girl, trying to live in a place of happiness and joy, free from my self-imposed shackles.
I hope you all have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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