Good Morning!!
It’s Sunday, the start of a new week and my heart feels like it’s breaking. I can’t say why.
I feel so heavy and overwhelmed.
I had horrid nightmares last night. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of them now but I woke up several times screaming and crying out and even yelling fuck you at one point.
So I didn’t wake up ok this morning. But then my son called and I was ok for awhile and now I’m bawling.
I made some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls for breakfast and I’m making my mom’s sloppy Joe recipe for dinner with beans and corn.
I can’t afford it but I had to get some groceries. I had to. I was so hungry yesterday and the only food we had left was street tortillas and a little bit of cheese so I made one and called it my foods of the day. My daughter got me some peanut m&m’s when I picked her up from work.
So yeah, I had to get some food.
I also had to get cheap old school kitty litter and my cats are FREAKING out. I’m so close. God, if I can just make it for another month and a half…so close.
My boy just called me again. Two times in one day. My whole heart.
My bestie has been calling one or two times a week lately and it helps so much. I can talk politics with her and not get stressed out. I can vent, I can cry if I need to, but most of all, we just laughed. We were talking about some of the shit we used to pull and some of the shenanigans that are legendary and we were laughing so hard. I would love to go back in time and give absolutely zero fucks, but having fun again.
I really hope there is something after this life because the thought of just stopping, and not having her energy near me, or my sisters, or my brother’s, or mom and dad…my kids. That would be awful and there would be only a whisper of my heartache left here, longing for them. I hope we continue in whatever form. I want to see Buffy and Casey, I want to see Venus. I want to see Bono. I want to see all the cats that unfortunately, came into my life and left relatively quickly because I was so irresponsible. I want to see my beloved Fox.
I want to see Syler, Trickle and Stanley and Friend. I want to see Cubby and Bling Bling and Newgee. I want to see Maple and of course, my son’s beloved Trout. That dog was my friend. One of my besties. His loss is still felt. I’m unable to talk about him without tearing up. For what he meant to me but mostly do what he meant to my son.
I am having a good cry. I guess I need it.
And now…it’s almost noon. So I guess I’ll go do some stuff and carry on.
Full moon this evening. It’s warmer out. I’m going to make some moon water tonight as I’m doing a cleansing for someone close to my heart tomorrow.
I’d like her to use the water as part of the cleansing.
I wish I had some yarrow but I don't have the time or money to go get it but I have enough to make this a meaningful cleanse and to put up protection for her.
Alright, well, it's now afternoon and the day is moving slowly but so be it.
I hope you all are having a good one.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
