Engagement

 

Good Morning!

Ah, so I went and got my birthday coffee from Starbee's and I grabbed a donut from Dunkin. Chocolate creme filled, my favorite. I call it the poop donut because the chocolate cream comes of out this little hole in said donut.

I'm tired today.

It was a long week and I had intended to just spend most of the day getting caught up on everything that I wasn't able to do because of being sick and starting this job.

I know you know all this. 

But this whole balance thing...I'm just trying to stay open and maybe learn a new way of approaching it because I want my whole life to be different. Not just the financial stuff although that is first and foremost right now. It really is.

But just to make enough room for joy, for happiness, for love, for time spend just petting my cats or giving my daughter a footrub or for talking on the phone with a friend.

I have to let go of this super amped, what comes next mode.

I really do.

It literally just occurred to me that maybe one of the reasons I'm always so tired and is everything I do and the way I approach life...is exhausting.

Fuck exhausting.

What can I do to simplify my life? Where is it that I find my joy and maybe I should think about that. I don't know how much time I have left. Can it just be happy? Can I throw off anything that shackles me and just focus on joy? Yeah, I have to work and all that and that's fine. But one of the things that I think causes this whole quit and walk thing with me is the stress I put on myself to have a life after work. Yes, I want a life during non working hours but it's the way I approach it, there's this, "well, when this is done" mentality. And what I've found is that there is always something that needs to be done. Just always.

Maybe not. Maybe some nights I go on a walk and I call a friend and I have a little dessert and I watch an episode of something happy and I just...engage fully.

I just don't know. I have sadness around me today.

I don't know why but I'm accepting of it but also just trying to stay open.

Open, open, open.

I will be happy to be with my family tonight. I wish my Jersey fam could be here. I miss them. I wish my Aunt Cindy could be here. 

It's OK.

I better go because we have to leave in a half hour for dinner.

I hope you all have a wonderful eveing.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie