Meeting Myself

 

Good Morning,

I don't feel like writing a long blog. I'm not up to it.

Yesterday, I stuck to the only one cup of coffee. And I kept my fitbit off. I had cigs left but not many and I forced myself to take it slow with them so they lasted until last evening.

By that time, I was a mess.

I managed to go out to pick up my friend from the airport but I was so exhausted by the time I got home, and I still had to drop my daughter at work. I got back from that and crashed. 

I was exhausted. Any time I give up one of my habits, it hits me like a ton of bricks. The tears. It's really dramatic and really ridiculous but it's also very real to me while I'm going through it.

I did buy a pack of cigs. I'd like to only smoke 8 more today. If I give in, it can't be smoking the way I have been. It's killing me. My health and my wallet.

And not knowing my steps is too hard so I think what I'll do for now, is take the fitbit off at night. I think that's really important. I think I don't need to know my sleep stats.

Once I am up and functional again, and know what 8 to 10K steps really looks like, then I'll get rid of it for good.

It's too hard otherwise.

I do know I woke up at 2:22AM last night and I was up until almost 6AM and then it was in and out until 8.

And the thoughts...and the fear and the anxiety.

It's not good.

So other than looking for a job and working on a Christmas gift for my family, I am going to try and stay off of social media and my phone and the computer. 

I think I need to meet myself and sit in where I'm at. I think I need to be honest with myself about things and just...try and start healing myself but with eyes wide open...and with care so that I don't fall into shame, remorse, regret and self-bashing.

So.

No list today.

No plans for today, other than to try and stay away from social media and the news and the bullshit.

Ok, please have a good day.

I will be back. I was going to take a break from blogging too but I think it's probably a good way to let people know I'm OK.

I'm feeling very anti-social right now.

So.

Yeah.

Good Day, that's where I was.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neeci