Here I am blogging. I found my video camera last night but it's a new one I haven't used before, I bought it like a year ago. And in the move, I seem to have lost the instruction manual. I'll figure it out but I did need to get a charger port for the battery. Luckily, it didn't cost much.
And hopefully, at that point, I'll be able to connect the videos with the blog.
I'm doing better than I was.
Nothing miraculous has happened.
Yesterday was very good and very productive. I'm hoping today will be the same. No naps, slowly my sleep is getting better, at least that's been the norm for a few nights.
I've decided that while I'm not working, it's fine to sleep more if I don't get what I need. This is hard for me, because one of my lies I tell myself is that if I get up late, the day is shot, but I'm pushing through that.
Yes, I am making lists.
But I'm being gentle on myself and if I don't make it, I don't make it.
I'm trying to slowly break out of patterns; first I see the pattern, I go over in my head how this plays out in my life, then I change the rules I have created behind it. I do this because I need to get it into my whole being that few things in this world are black and white, this world has all the colors in between those two things.
Yesterday, I attacked everything on the list so the list for today includes many of the same things but they are not so overwhelming.
Lots of job search, that's the big priority, as it should be but I find I cannot just sit in front of the computer for hours at a time. So I apply for one job, maybe two. Then I moved on to something else. Then I came back to job search; maybe I applied for one job. Then moved on. The apartment is cleaner, my laundry is done, some of my products are wrapped and labeled.
Honestly, today is more of the same. I'm trying to add some exercise in. Yoga and a walk.
The weather has been hard on my heart and soul. It's been drab, dreary and damp. No snow. In the fucking 40s. This warming shit fucks with me but I'm trying to just walk through it, literally...walk through it.
Last night, I started in on my DBT workbook again.
I'm working on this whole meeting myself thing. I hope to journal too. Looking at myself is not a bash on Denise session, it's learning and it's being really honest with myself because so much needs to be addressed and noted and some things need to be changed.
Things like learning somehow to live in reality, to somehow find acceptance and beauty in reality, to stop lying to myself.
It's OK to have dreams but let's just do it right, please, just fucking once in my life, please.
So that's where I'm at. I'm not joyous and free but I'm not slinging my way out of a shitshow either.
I hope that all of you are doing well.
I hope that all of you have a great day.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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