Rage Without Boundaries

Hi Guys,

Well. I am feeling much better today. Better than in awhile. But I am trying to still maintain this stillness of mind, this purposefulness, you know, not get this crazy energy that ends up zapping me for days. No power. I feel better. I'm grateful for that. I am assuming I'll get some things done today. Here's what I got done yesterday.

1.  Applied for one job
2. Went to bank
3. Facial, bougie bath and washed hair
4. Went out to dinner/lunch with my daughter (she paid)
5. Filled out another application and sent it in
6. Cleaned kitchen: Washed dishes, wiped down counters, sink and appliances, wiped down garbage can, took out garbage, swept and mopped (my daughter actually swept)
7. Ran to store
8. Vacuumed dining room rug and mopped dining room
9. Cleaned up my resume
10. Wrote out my AM and PM routine (just for waking up and for the last hour or so before bed)
11. Put the lights on the tree and put a couple ornaments up
12. Watched Frosty the snowman with my daughter; we made popcorn and we ate the free pie we got at lunch.

The reason I shared all that is that those lists I used to post? Yeah, they didn't work but I want to share what I accomplished because it's that, that I need to put focus on.

I do have some ideas of what today will entail but I will share that later. 

I'm not sure exactly how much sleep I got last night but I can say this. I went to bed early because I didn't allow myself to take a nap yesterday. It was around 7:44. Now. I did wake up several times but went back to sleep up until 4AM, I was up for about an hour and then fell back to sleep and got up at around 8:00AM. So I can say for sure that I got 10 hours in.

I'm not questioning this. This is good and I feel good. This is today. Not gonna worry about tomorrow. 

I will say I had another dream. I don't know if Mom was in it or not but I feel like she was. What I do remember is that it was Thanksgiving. We had just moved into a shitty new apartment but everything I had was new, just like this place. My kids were all teenagers, but my daughter was still married to her husband in waking life.

I was running around in a white nightgown, getting ready when I noticed that someone had spilled something or barfed on my new couch. It was a huge pool of green liquid.

I was furious! Enraged! And as I started bitching, I saw that someone had spilled something in the kitchen too and it had splattered all over the newly painted walls.

My rage knew no boundaries.

I started screaming and I told the kids I was going on a walk and that by the time I returned, it had better be cleaned up or there would be no Thanksgiving.

But then I realized as I walked out of the apartment, that there was no Turkey and I thought maybe my sister was supposed to bring it because she had something about letting the turkey thaw in her fridge. But even if she was supposed to be bring the turkey, it was too late to cook it.

I stormed out of the apartment building and that's where I think mom came in. I think I called someone and I'm pretty sure it was her?

I'm not sure how this dream ended. 

Weird.

But I do think it's a good thing that I'm having dreams. I went from always dreaming to never dreaming and the never dreaming coincided with the beginning of the insomnia problems.

"Even Katydids are supposed, by some, to dream."

To me, it signifies healthier sleep.

I woke up at 4 like I stated and looked out the window and saw the snow coming down. Then, when I got up, I saw the beautiful, white, blanket of snow on the ground. We finally got a real snow. Barring a warm up, we should have a White Christmas this year. 

Another thing to be grateful for.

I'm grateful too, that my daughter helped me yesterday. She swept and she also vacuumed the living room.

It's starting to look organized again.

One thing we did talk about, is our lease. Who knows if we'll make rent or not, so this plan may be moot but we can't stay here beyond our current lease. It's too small. I am trying to focus on gratitude and I am grateful. I am grateful that we landed here for now. We both agreed that having our own space is amazing. But it's almost impossible to keep such a small space without clutter, it gets out of hand very easily.

So come June 1st, we will be looking for a new place to land. I have no plans on where or what that'll look like yet. I don't need to start thinking about that now but we will be leaving. I just hope I can afford to pay movers this time.

Ha!

Have a lovely day. Stay warm and cozy.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie😜😜😜😜😜