Wow. Well, not such a great day yesterday. I was so tired and part of it is, yeah, not enough sleep but also just this depression. It really wipes you out.
I had a dream this morning. Mom came.
We, in the dream we was myself, my daughters, my daughter's husband and mom, were at a hotel in Duluth. Actually, it was a motel. It was ugly and run down. The car was parked right outside. We were close to the lake though you couldn't see it from the motel.
A storm came up out of nowhere and there were these waves. I could see them, they were huge and I kept yelling at my daughter to get inside. She finally did, just before the first wave hit. We could hear the wind blowing, see lightning, hear thunder.
And I went into my daughter's room and out of the window, I saw this massive tidal wave. It shut out the sky, it was all wave. And it hit. But the window didn't break. Some water did start coming in through the sides and bottom of the door.
We were all upset but at the same time, we weren't panicking.
There was loud knocking at the door and we let this couple in. They had been in their car, trying to ride out the storm. She had been pregnant and the stress caused her to go into labor and have the baby. The baby was perfectly formed but so tiny it could fit in my hand.
It was alive at first but then it died.
The waters receded and it was sunny out. I went out and looked at my car and it was totaled. Sides off the doors, windows blown out, glass everywhere.
I already know everything the dream signifies;
The tsunami/tidal wave represents how overwhelmed I feel. The baby is loss of my dream, namely Willow's Whimsy and all the other things I've wanted to do with my life. The car is loss of transportation, I have no way to get where I want to be. And mom? Mom was always my center, my calm, my person. Her being there showed me that I still have a center. I need to meet myself there. I wrote about meeting myself yesterday. She is still there, she is still with me but now...I have to take on that role for myself in this life.
She is with me.
Her being there let me know she's still here, she's still with me.
And I feel like seeing her, that's my way out. I do understand that I am not my mental health diagnosis, I understand that I am also not my depression.
It's true that I can't get on meds just yet but I will. Meds however, are there to take the edge off, to help make things feel not so big. Meds will not miraculously change anything. I still have to do the work.
I still believe that happiness is a choice. I know that chemical imbalances are not a choice but there are things I will need to do regardless of being on meds or not.
So instead of lists, I have goals around what I want to do today. What I mean by that, is just do a little of everything, even if it feels like chaos. I have to learn to not create chaos but I also have to learn to deal with it when it shows up. Like mom, I can be my center. I can be calm, I can find happiness in it. Not acceptance in the sense that I allow it to continue but by chipping away at it, I will eventually surround the chaos as opposed to it surrounding me.
Job search, cleaning, reading my dbt workbook, exercising, these are all things I'd like to tackle today but I can do it in any order I want to.
And...and...I am going to make a morning and an evening schedule for myself. Because I will get a job and I will need some discipline in getting ready on time. I also will need a nighttime routine because I haven't had one at all and it's been incredibly difficult. My body needs to know that I am now beginning the process of going to bed.
Of all the things I struggle with, I need to make that one a priority because lack of sleep, more than anything, fucks me completely up.
That and job search are the two biggies.
I have more to say but am growing impatient and fidgety. Time to move om to something else.
I wish you a good day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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