Forests and Fairies

 

Hi Everyone,

I've been up since 4, trying so hard to get things ready. I forgot to get bags to put people's purchases in so I have to go do that at some point before. 

I'm so stressed out. I wish I could say I was excited but I'm not. There is so much more I could've made. While the products are excellent, the rest is half ass.

I'm not going to lie, I'm beginning to really think I just don't have what it takes to do anything right, to apply myself and follow through. It's always been like this. Always.

And this depression...oh my God. It's freaking awful.

The things I think about, the losses of late, quitting yet another job, all of it put together. And why, why the fuck, do I keep ending up in jobs where things either change or where the company fucking sucks and treats their people like shit. Can I just have a job that is good enough for me to bear it? Suck it up, right? Yeah, whatever. 

I have tried. It's not me. And it's not a matter of hanging in there. I don't have that feature. When I try, my life falls apart in other areas.

Wow. Fucking Debbie Downer post. I'm sorry.

So right now, I'm cleaning the kitchen. I just want my place to look somewhat presentable. Then I have to vacuum, wrap and label products, run to the store to get bags and all that happy crappy. I'm just feeling sick right now.

I'd cancel this fucker but I need the money. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent otherwise.

I know I did this to myself, I get that.

This is not self-pity. This is on me and it's more like why am I the way I am? Why wasn't I born normal and accepting of my life and what's necessary to live comfortably?

I just don't know anymore and I feel helpless.

I try to keep it positive on this blog, I don't often write about how bad it really is, but it's bad. It's really, really bad. I want to be a beacon of hope for people, I want to show people you can get through these things but this last job? The way I was treated? The way I saw the residents getting treated like shit? It kicked my ass.

And it sent me spiraling.

I have to go. I have to get this shit done.

I wish you a good day.

I do, I really do.

I hope that I can get my head on straight in the days to come. I hope this sale goes fast because I really don't even want to do it.

I want to throw in the towel and run away. I don't know where I'd go. I mean, is there a nice forest I could hunker down in for awhile? Live in a tree and try to spot the fairies?

I don't know if I ever told anyone this story, it's not a story, it happened, but when I was about 4, I remember my mother (my bio mom) getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I went with her and she was sitting on the toilet and there were all these silver lights around her. I told her and I asked her if she could see them and she lied to me and I knew even then she was lying. She sounded confused and she said, "Oh, yes, I see them." But I knew she didn't.

I don't know why that came back to me or why I've fixated on it...but it's a fairy thing, you all know I believe that shit.

I can't stop thinking about it.

So I want to go into the forest and see if I can find them. LOL. I do.

Just has to be a forest without spiders cuz I'm scared of spiders, especially the big kind that live in the forest.

I have always lived in my head, in a fantasy. I do not like reality at all. I think half of my soul got fucked up in my coming here, I think half of it got left behind and the part that's here has always been looking for the other part. That's the only explanation I can think of as to why I am the way I am. Half of me got left behind and I won't get it back until I'm out of here.

The only time I've ever felt like I belonged here, is when I do mushrooms. It's the only time. I don't do them for the trip or for fun, I do them to learn and to experience and to feel and to let all the things stored up come out. I feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to me but I have no clue where to get any now and it's only been about 4 years that I've been doing them. And it's not all the time, it's been about 4 times but I'm due.

Anyone who says that they are bad or that they don't have healing value is so wrong. They have kept me going, they have helped me see things more clearly and they have cleared some of the cobwebs.

For me, they are therapeutic.

Ok, well I got that off my chest. Let's get back to it, shall we?

I'll be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie