No Big Pushes

 

Hi Guys,

Wow, fucking brutal night. I just could not sleep and I tried desperately to sleep in but that just got me more tired and frustrated.

I'm really sad. Trying to push through that is hard.

The death of someone oftentimes brings other memories, other losses up to the surface. It's been a rough 16 or so hours. 

I have so much to do. 

And even though I know I won't sleep for shit tonight, I want to try.

I want everything done so all I have to do is get myself ready for the party/sale. 

As I've been making products, I have had some realizations about how this has to go. Not this particular sale but this business.

Lots of things. I need to write it all down.

One thing is that I really need to write out the recipes and print them and make a recipe book. Another is that I need to make one thing an evening once I start working so that there's not this big push at the end. The way this one played out has everything to do with the depression I've been trying to pull myself out of.

The list of things to do feels endless and has for years but I make it worse by burying my head in the sand. 

A little every day will get everything done. 

And I have to be consistent with this business or it goes out of people's heads.

I don't know...just so much.

So fucking much and it all rolls around my head in a constant litany of "it's too much, you can't do this, you can't do shit, you aren't shit."

Christmas and all of it's expectations makes it hard too.

I just want to thrive. I'm sick of surviving.

I don't know. I'm very overwhelmed. I'm tired from crying my eyes out, they are swollen and they hurt. It's a lot.

I'm going to drop my daughter at work and go to Walmart for a few things I need to finish up.

Once I'm finished up, I then need to go back out to get bags to put people's purchases in and I need to start wrapping and labeling right away so I'll know if I need anything else.

Then it'll be go out to get whatever is still needed.

Then it's clean the house.

I'm very good at taking breaks and there's no time for that shit today.

I got this.

Ok, well, I'm off. If all goes according to plan, I will have time to blog tomorrow morning.

Fingers crossed.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie