Oh, but the last two days have been hard ones.
I don't want to write too much in detail because much of what I'm struggling with at the current moment, has to do with the struggles of others.
Mine too, but...more so others.
My son and his girl's pup, Trout, he's not doing well. I came over to spend the day with him yesterday and I'm here today as he can't be alone. He's going in for an MRI tomorrow so they will know exactly what they're dealing with. He's 11 now and for dogs, that's a critical age, that can be when things start changing for them.
Right now, he's curled up to me. I was embracing and holding him as he slept and crying. Animals in my mind, are perfect. They are love. He's the reason I want a dog. This guy has been literally my grandson. He's in my heart, he's family. Seeing him not himself, it's devastating. I can't imagine what it's like for my son and for his girlfriend. They've known him since he was only a few days old. He's precious.
I don't understand people who have animals they don't fall in love with. I am so in love with this dog.
So this is so sad.
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday and she's really feeling the whole adult birthday dilemma, which is that it's not always a big deal. It is a big deal but as we get older, we have to let go of the expectation that there will be celebrations on that day. It's just not always realistic.
So she was sad.
It was a really hard fucking day man.
And the sleeplessness...are you sick of reading about it? I am sick of living it.
I know that longterm Xanax use is bad, I know that because someone I love very much went through a two year withdrawal process after taking it only as prescribed for 20 years.
But I just wish I could take it. I don't care about the addiction side of it, it's the only thing that's ever worked for me.
I'm struggling.
I think that says it all.
I don't want to write more because I fear I'll allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of self-pity and despair and that's just not me anymore.
Yuk.
I'm not sure what I can do today to make things better for myself. Some days, you just get through them.
That's all you do, you just get through them.
I got turned down on several job apps I submitted.
One might think, "I told you so" but I have finally accepted that some of my shit, it wasn't just my "shit." I literally cannot conform to certain things and just accept bad behavior, bad treatment.
Of all the jobs I've had, there are only 3 or 4 that I look back on and think...I really fucked that up. The rest of them, maybe it's wrong of me, but I just think...fuck 'em. The job itself was horrid, the people were horrid or the management was horrid. I don't do horrid.
I do think my age affects me and my chances of gaining employment.
We'll have to see.
We will just have to see.
I'm tired and I think I'll nap with the pup.
I do hope that all of you are having a wonderful day. I do.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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