Kinda late start here. No, a very late start. Today, the struggle is real. Because I didn't sleep well the night before last, I went hard in the wee hours of the morning and then took a nap and it just sortof set the tone for the day although I did manage to get out to the gym. There was a creepy, pervy guy there and I did everything I could to make it obvious that I wanted nothing to do with him. Like, go away.
I was so tired yesterday.
And then I got a text from the man I've written about recently, the ex boyfriend from so many years ago. I didn't think about him constantly by any means, more so when I was younger, after the initial huge weight gain. I just wanted someone to love me. That makes me so sad now. I wish I would've known everything then, that I know now...about self love, about accountability, about my mental health disorder. I wish I would've known. But I didn't. I do now. You see, he hadn't reached out since Halloween and I was OK with that. But he did last night. I'm not going to go into what he texted but needless to say, it threw me off.
Why now? After all these years?
Love in terms of romantic love is something, as you all know, I gave up on. And I was OK with that. I wasn't trying to be some martyr, oh look at me, I gave up having love in my life. Just the opposite, by letting the desire for that shit go, I got so much love back. I have amazing children, I have an equally amazing family, I have friendships and not the kind I used to, all these fair weather friends, no, I have a few very close friendships. In fact, two of those friends are taking my daughter and I out to dinner tonight to thank me for some help I offered.
It makes me want to cry. Out of happiness.
But he made me cry last night with his text, and not because it was something that years ago, I would've died to hear but because I have not healed in the whole dating/men/sex arena. I haven't healed one single bit and I do not want this. Then comes all the old feelings of, "ugh, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be responsible for his feelings." I have to remember that I'm not responsible. I mean, I can't say anything intentionally hurtful and I don't want to but I know in my heart that even if this is an opportunity from the Universe, I'm not ready for it. In this particular lifetime, not gonna happen. When I texted back I did say some things that needed to be said but then I also said, "we can see where it goes" and I should not have said that.
I saw that he read my text immediately when it went through but he did not respond. He tends not to unless I seem to be all in.
I always, always, always, adjusted myself to what I thought a man might want to hear and I did that a teeny bit but not like always. The bottom line is I won't leave Minnesota, ever, just to travel but I will always come back here. I told him that. The most important thing is my children and even though they are all grown, they are my priority. Sad to say, they should've always been, but my obsession with finding the "one" often times led to their being put second.
Not cool man. Not fucking cool at all.
So I made it clear that they, and any potential grandchildren, will be my priority.
Yeah, no text back. And I am praying that he just lets this go but I have a feeling in my gut, that that's not going to happen.
I know people still fall in my love at my age, I know that people my age still date, I know that some, still want sex. I know all that. A boy I went to school with from elementary through high school, just married a girl I went to junior high with. I'm not sure how they connected but they did and I watched their relationship develop on FB and then they got married and I'm so happy for both of them.
I still say to myself sometimes that I wish I were "normal." That I could've had a relationship, a marriage or lifelong partnership but it's not the way I was made. I am not normal.
I struggle with many, many things but I have gotten so much closer to self-acceptance and accepting the love of family and friends and I don't go to that place of, "do I deserve this?" anymore. It doesn't matter whether I deserve it or not, I'm fucking grateful to have it.
Real relationships, when I've been in them, do not make me feel safe, they bring out all the feelings of abandonment, of letting go of who I am, this stuff that seems to come natural to some, throws me for a complete loop. I'm not good at intimacy either, not with men. With women, it's not a sexual thing, it's just, for some reason, I can hold hands with my bestie, I can hug my friends and my sister and my kids, I can bare my soul. I cannot do that with a man, any man.
I have no trust whatsoever.
I do not hate men and y'all are probably thinking, "she doth protest too much" but I really don't. They baffle me, they scare me, they make me feel not safe.
Did this start with my dad's abandonment of my sister and I? You know, yeah, of course that factors in, but I was made different. I do struggle with many things and over the years I've come to realize that it's just me, it's my mental health makeup too, it's...I'm not fucking normal.
Not an excuse.
It is what it is.
So anyways, bla bla bla, fast forward to now. I slept from 9:51PM last night until about 12:15AM and was up until 4AM, when I finally gave in and took a sleeping pill. Then I slept until 8:21 so it was a bad night for me and the struggle has been real all morning.
Yeah, the dude factored in but I've been going hard all week, been to the gym, been grabbing things from my roomie's place and I just deflated and that happened before the text from the dude.
So today, I have two focuses only; organizing my supplies and my file cabinet, and job search.
That's it. And that will be enough.
We will deal with tomorrow when it's tomorrow.
Ok, thanks for hanging in there with this big, old blog.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
No comments:
Post a Comment