One of the many nice things about not working is that I can give myself a bit of grace if I don't follow my schedule exactly, like I can change things up if that feels better.
That feels better this morning, changing it up a bit. I got in 6 hours but it took me 9 in bed to do that. It's nuts, ya know?
Whatever, we all know I don't sleep that well. I will just say that again, I did not take anything. I feel so much better in the mornings and according to my fitbit, I get more of the stuff I need, which is REM and Deep sleep. Man, am I having dreams. The thing is, I don't remember many of them. I don't know if I would want to. Mine have always been a bit on the dark side.
My resting heart rate has started going down again, which makes me happy as well. My resting heart rate is usually in the mid to upper 40s and it's gotten as high as 60, which is normal for most people, but not for me.
Anyways, there were things I didn't get done yesterday but there was much I did get done. And I realized, it's good to have a variety because it keeps me going but for some of my "projects", it's gonna have to be the full focus, so it's that today. It's two for one because they go hand in hand and I'll write about that tomorrow when I tell you how I did.
I got through yesterday by taking it steady but slow and not allowing the "chatter" in my head that tells me I'm tired, that it's OK to stop." Like, I literally shot that shit down everytime it came in. It's trying to come in now. I've been a bit tearful this morning.
Yesterday, I wrote about what I did in the morning, you know the gym, my roommate's place and all that. I got everything up and most of it put away, I applied for a couple jobs, I took my daughter shopping so yeah...it was good. It was productive.
I did listen to my body though. I was exhausted by the time I ate dinner. So then I did stop and I took a shower and all that and just took it easy. It's very difficult for me to take it easy without wanting to pig out on something, or smoke like a chimney but I managed it.
I have to believe that each day I push myself on a consistent basis, that it will become easier and easier to do.
The workout at the gym felt great while I was doing it but I'm a bit sore today.
I walk with fear knocking at the door to my brain; fear about so many things and I'm blocking it out, I'm not answering that door but it just makes me realize how fear based in my thinking I am, and it also makes me wonder how long it's been like this.
Letting go of fear for me is like flexing a muscle or lifting a weight. It's hard at first and it actually seems like more comes at me but that's only because I'm aware of it now. You get stronger each time you say, "I see you fear. I see you and I acknowledge your presence but you can't come in. Fuck you."
Yeah, fuck you.
So anyways, there are about 4 things I'm going to work on today, the main two being the projects I told you about and we will just see how they go.
I hope you all have an amazing day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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