OK

 

Hi Everyone,

Difficult morning. I woke up at about 12:30, was up til 3 and was in and out until 5:47. So here I am, the rush is on.

My daughter stays up so much later than me and last night, I could hear all the goings on. She wasn't being loud, I could just hear her.

Then she got into bed with me. I don't mind that usually, just last night, it had me up.

I think I know why I didn't sleep.

I didn't take anything to sleep last night. I was so tired, I figured I didn't need it.

Well, that was dumb. I should always assume I need it. I debated taking stuff at 3 this morning but I knew I'd never get up and having taken 2 days off last week, this week is not that week, ya know?

Whatever.

So, that and then I had a conversation with a resident yesterday and she told me some things and they broke my heart; some things about where I work. I believe her. I've witnessed much of what she told me about. I'm not going to go into it.

I know I have a history of hating my jobs. I grow disenchanted. I do.

But this is not that. I love the residents so much but the way senior care is run in this country and if it's a for profit like I work for, I'm just...the residents are fucked.

You have a bit of a better chance being with a non-profit. I feel like they're held to a higher standard. The problems they suffer though, is lack of capital.

It's a system wide problem, senior care. 

I want out. You can't even know the stress I feel writing this. I can feel it in my body.

I am forcing myself not to cry as I write this because crying will make me even more tired and I'll be worthless at work.

I think all of us have to fog up our truths sometimes, make them blurry so they seem more palatable. And clearly some people can do that and some can't.

I want out.

There's only way out that makes sense for me and clearly that's out because I get another job. So that has to happen.

Why do I keep ending up in these situations? They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well I know it's not insane to want a job to be able to make it in this world.

I mean...I know that.

So what's the lesson? Try something new? Like what?

You see my dilemma.

I don't want to do this shit forever. But I don't know anything else.

Ok, I have to go or I'll be late and I'm sick of being late. I'm not late all the time but usually at least once a week.

I have no solutions or plans today. This is going to be a day to just get through and that's OK. My daughter works late, so she'll have to Uber home, which means I can be in bed before she arrives and hopefully be able to put together at least 6.5 hours of sleep.

Ok, I have to go. Ok. I got this.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie