A Moral Conundrum

 

Oh God, it’s me. Me in all my tired glory. I fucked up. Not with using or anything remotely like that. But I did. Not with money either. Not sex either, I have to say that. It was a moral thing and I went against my better judgement. I still can’t believe I did this.

No, I’m not going to tell you what I did. But I will tell you that I made it right.

This is what stress and anxiety and not enough sleep does to me. It clouds everything and makes me susceptible to stupidness.

It was a wake-up call.

I’m clearly not functioning the way I should be. I’m miserable at work. I want the apartment done, although that’s close.

I can’t go into details but someone else at my work is looking to leave. She’s fed up. And if this person goes, I don’t know if I can survive here, even while looking for another job. 

Last night, a friend of my daughter’s came over. I love this kid. Again, this is the blog where I can’t give details but she is going through, and has gone through a lot in her life. And it was heartbreaking and she needed to vent and get it out.

So I was up until 11, did NOT sleep well and here I am, worthless at work.

There are some things that need to change.

Big things.

It’s all up to me. No one can do this for me. I talk about boundaries but I’m beginning to realize I need to set those fuckers with myself as well.

Jesus.

All of this is OK. All of this is fixable now, if I take care of it now. And some of the things I do, are going to be hard to do. They involve things like quitting smoking, and quitting coffee too. I can’t afford it. I’m not talking about Starbucks either. I’m talking about the cold brew I drink. I cannot afford it. It goes so damn quickly.

It involves saying no to a lot of things. It involves staying focused and motivated. It makes me feel very overwhelmed.

For all my braggadocio about being Denise Motherfucking Johnson, I really have nothing to brag about at this point, except to say that at least I was there for someone last night. When it’s dire, I’ll be there. I’m good at the dire, not good at the maintenance part of things.

I was going to get my hair done tomorrow but I cannot afford it and I can’t afford the time involved either. I’m going to cancel and I will get it done just prior to my opening of Willow’s Whimsy.

Lord.

I went over to my roommate’s this morning before work and grabbed some things. I’m gonna drop them off at my place after work and then I’m going to get the cabinet my sister ordered and get it over to my place and put it together. Tomorrow, the move and the apartment are done. They.Are.Done.

This needs to be over.

There is no reason I can’t finish the move and get my apartment cleaned tomorrow. I am also going to get the bubble bars I’m making for my debut made so they can begin to dry out.

It’s on.

I just can’t keep going in the direction I’m headed in because I sense that it will blow up.

I can see this so clearly and there is no denial anymore. I cannot live in survival mode and not address it anymore. I cannot tell myself I’m OK when clearly I am not.

Just a quick note to tell you that one of the residents here gave me thee most thoughtful gift yesterday. It was not monetary. I’ll write about it later but it made my day, my whole day with how thoughtful it was. I had goosebumps and I cried in a good way.

So.

Onwards we go.

I’m out.

Have a great day, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie