It's Wednesday and I have tomorrow off. Thank God.
I don't know quite what's going on with me. There is a bit of turmoil going on inside me and yesterday, it affected me physically.
I guess I should just state what's going through my mind. It doesn't matter, right?, if it's right or wrong, in fact it's neither, it's just what's going through my mind and the things I'm thinking about.
I know I have a long ass history of starting out great at jobs and then fading. In the past, the fading is because it's so mundane, it's so damn boring. I never felt like I deserved to not have to work when everyone else around me does it, accepts it, etc.
But I have always struggled with humanity thinking this is a healthy way to live and I get that probably most people don't like their job. The pay off is the pay. Very few people get to do what they love to do.
And I had an opportunity to make Willow's Whimsy into a "go". I did. But there are things that got in the way of that. Some of them are "my things", you know, the procrastination piece, like I can see so clearly that regardless of whether I'm doing something I detest or something I love, I will bring me into it. Me goes with me wherever I go.
My daughter and I have been desperately trying to hang in there where we're at. And we go back and forth constantly but I can't do it anymore. I can't write about why. For those of you who used to read this back 5 years ago or so, you already know. I refuse to put hurtful things here.
It's escalated though. And I can't do it.
So I am faced with a dilemma. And it's huge and has many things to take into consideration. We can move almost immediately if I want to try and make a 3 bedroom work. That's all that's available.
I also need to take out a loan, mostly for business but also to help with the move and to get settled in and to help with the budget for a bit.
I don't think I can do Willow's Whimsy here. I just don't. You know that saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I mean, I'm there. I need to grind. I cannot do that here. No matter what, I cannot do it here.
My daughter is struggling here too. She leans on me and I'm OK with that. But I've learned that other people's anxiety tends to trigger mine when they are really heightened. That's not there fault. I just don't seem to be able to shield myself and be there for a person at the same time. I would like to get to that place.
Fair or not is not what matters here, not at this point. I need to work and I do not detest my job, it's just that when it's hard, when I have a bad day, it's really bad and it's really hard. I'm back to having tummy shit going on. When something affects me so deeply that I start having physical symptoms, yeah, I do have to look at that but quitting isn't an option and won't be until I am making from Willow's Whimsy half of what I make at my job. Then I'll go somewhere part time which will open up more time for Willow's Whimsy.
But like I said, I have finally accepted that it's not going to happen here. It's not going to happen at all. So.
I know I'm probably going to apply for the 3 bedroom, I know I'm probably setting myself up for failure. I know all this. I'm not living in denial about it anymore.
I also know I will be switching one kind of stress for another. However, and I think this does matter, I will be able to do the things I love. I will have freedom from some things and more importantly, so will my daughter.
So, here we go guys and we're in for a ride and if I don't grind, I will fail. It's really all up to me and yes, I have things, mental health shit, that gets in the way and fucks everything up almost every goddamned time. I cannot be in denial.
Eyes, mind, heart and spirit wide fucking open here.
I am terrified. Not gonna lie.
I still believe in miracles but I no longer rely on them.
I believe that the Universe, the Gods, they help those who help themselves and sometimes, they make it really fucking hard, they withhold until you are broken and reshaped into something new so I know that too.
I'm about to walk through the fire guys. I will write about this journey every step of the way. Yeah, my stomach shit, it's stress. It fucking hurts again.
I did meditate today.
I'm off to begin this next leg of the journey, which includes going to work. I need to keep my current end game in my sight.
To be 100% self supporting, to be my own boss, to have a successful business that will allow me to comfortably pay my bills and to travel and spend time with loved ones until I leave here, and when I do, to leave a legacy of the grind and all that love.
So here we go. I'm so fucking scared. But today, I will jump.
I hope you all have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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