Hardcore

Hi Everyone!

Went to bed early again.

What do you do? I know I need to stay up but it’s hard.

Yesterday the anxiety was horrible.

Today it’s a little better.

I’m supposed to sign our new lease. I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure how much it increased to. I’ll have to call about that today.

Because I stopped making all my payments, my credit plunged and we won’t get in anywhere else. 

I don’t know what to do.

As far as the bank, my old account should be closed today.

Thank God. I’m going to need to get help with food and gas because my entire paycheck on Friday has to go to rent.

We still won’t be there but it’ll be a lot closer. 

I just can’t.

I have no choice though so I guess I can.

Here we go.

I really fucked up at work though yesterday. So many mistakes. It’s hard because my anxiety was at 100+.

I just say I’m sorry and nod.

She’s being nice about it.

At least I have a decent boss. She’s hardcore though.

But not without reason.

So there’s that.

Well I better get moving. I don’t want to but I have to.

Alright, well I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Did Me Good

Good Morning!

Oh wow. My anxiety? My heart is pounding this morning. I think it may be the Lexapro because this started when I started taking it again.

I just don’t even know what to do with this.

I just don’t even know.

The bank did me good and refused the loan payment. Now I have to wait for it to go from pending to posted and pray the loan company doesn’t try to put it through again.

Because once this is posted, the account can be closed. 

This is so scary.

So so scary.

I see one last attorney tomorrow and then I have to find the money to file.

The job is going good. Been there everyday, on time.

I’m not sure what to do about the meds. I think I’ll take them and just try to push through. Hope that I adjust to them.

Cuz wow. This is not good. It’s hard to even concentrate long enough to write this out.

Ok, well…

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Some Personality

Hi Guys,

I got nothing good. Another wasted weekend. This anxiety is going to give me a frickin’ heart attack.

Seriously.

I managed to get some garbage out, to dye my hair and to clean up the dishes. That’s it.

That’s all she wrote.

What happened to Denise Motherfucking Johnson?

I miss her.

She was a mess but at least she had some personality. 

Anyways, I have some things that have to get done this morning so not a long post today.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Another Day

Good Morning!

I did not get enough sleep. That has not been the norm so I’m feeling it. I might lay back down.

This morning, I feel like I just want out of my skin. 

This anxiety though.

Last night my Beast and I talked and then my friend Erin called and we talked.

I’m so proud of both of them. They work hard. 

I started watching The Testaments last night.

I know it’s just a show but it’s hard to watch just like its precursor.

I don’t really have to much to say today. I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed. I have no answers.

Just…another day to get through.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Mixed Messages

Good Morning!

It’s been hot in MN. I’m worried about the electric bill. But I can’t function in heat.

I’m just so glad it hasn’t been humid yet.

I learned more the last two days at work and I’m grateful for it because it’s QuickBooks and that makes my marketability go up.

I wish the pool here would open early so I could swim alone.

Good exercise. 

When I was working at the other place, I got some new jeans and they are too big. Y’girl has lost weight.

Anxiety and poverty will do that apparently.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog everyday. This is the first time ever that I’ve gone over 1000 hits in a month.

So what are my plans for the day? Apply, apply, apply. For something that pays a livable wage and for a part time job. Some exercise and clean the apartment. It’s awful.

Oh, and someone messaged me asking to meet me in Coon Rapids to buy two of my bath bombs.

So that too.

To try and stay off my phone.

Ok.

I’m tired but I also know I slept pretty good. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in over a month so I don’t know the quality of sleep. I’ve been getting but I do know it’s been better.

Yesterday, I closed my checking account and opened a new one. I had to do that so that the loan payment won’t go through. We still won’t make rent this month but at least that next step is done. I’m terrified they’re going to come get the car. Living in all these unknowns is just so scary and so exhausting. 

It makes me very sad.

I just have to go on though. I’m going to clean the car out today I guess as well so I better add that to the list. There’s really not anything that I want in the car but just to make sure.

I can’t think about this stuff for too long because I’m flabbergasted that I let it come to this. Like, what the fuck was I thinking?

Clearly, I wasn’t.

And now we begin the big climb out and just try to continue on.

I have one final meeting with an attorney on Wednesday after work and I’m pretty sure I’ll go with them. They are reputable. I’ve talked to three different attorneys and each time, the fee for the bankruptcy has gone up and I’m getting mixed messages about the car.

Nightmare stuff.

All right, well I hope you all have a great day. I hope it’s productive weather in things you need to get done or time spent with loved ones.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Brings Back Ick

Oh my God, it’s Friday!

So sleeping seems to be a thing with me now. I’ve gone from very little to sleeping all the time.

Well…not at work.

I got paid today, which is great but I have to go open a new bank account after work to make sure that stupid loan payment doesn’t go through again.

When will this nightmare end?

Sooner than later motherfuckers. I am not referring to you as a motherfucker, I am referring to the parts of the Universe that are conspiring to force this current life lesson upon me.

Ugh.

Anyways.

I made it to work, sitting in my car because I’m early. Although not in any way a trigger, being in this neighborhood brings back ick.

It’s ok, I manage.

I try to look at it like yeah…I’ve traversed these roads before but I’m in a different vehicle (my mind), and although my mind can also be a scary neighborhood, I’m not who I was then.

I’m just here doing my best. My current best. My best can get better.

Alright, off at 3:30 today so yay for that.

I hope you have a good day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Messes

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I hope you are all good.

Me?

Meh.

Another day. Another day of stress and wondering how the fuck we’re gonna make it. I didn’t sleep 12 hours but I did go to bed early again.

I just can’t deal with anything, none of this.

My bed is my only happy place right now. My anxiety is with me constantly and it’s sits in my stomach, I can feel it there.

I wish I could have a job I don’t mind, like this current one but one that paid a living wage.

I’m without hope and it makes everything so much harder.

When I was still using, I would come back from a bender and the crushing remorse and shame was horrible. I feel like that all the time now and I’m not even using.

The shit show in my head just won’t turn off. My grandmother, her name was Lois, I never met her, but Dad shared with me that she struggled horribly with depression and even had to go into the hospital here in Minnesota and get electric shock treatments. Dad carried guilt about that. But I know what that’s like. It wasn’t his fault, just like it’s nobody else’s fault how I’m feeling.

Regardless of whether I get through this financial bullshit or not, something has to change within me.

I need help and I’m willing to get it but here again, circumstances have to change in order for me to do so.

There are things that make me happy. My children, my cats, my sister, my mom, and a few very good friends who I know, love me and care about me dearly.

It does mean something, I’m not so depressed that I can’t feel that.

But yeah, my apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My life is a mess.

Welcome to the shit show.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post but, hey, at least I keep it real.

All right, well I better get ready for work. Another day, another not enough dollars.

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie