Lessons Learned

 

Hi Guys,

I am on limited time availability this morning. 

Maybe today is the day things start to change. I don't know. I mean, I've been working hard but I need the Universe to amp up it's beautiful care for me.

We shall see.

I have been realizing that there is so much that needs to change and I just wish my MA would hurry up and get approved as I need to get in and I need to get therapy so I can start working through my "stuff".

I'm ready.

I do know that I was declined for the part time position I applied for with Anoka County.

I didn't know it was part time going into it so that's...that's sad but it doesn't deter me.

My past is coming up to haunt me and I see now, I mean I see but I know it in my heart too, that my past is affecting my ability to be considered for work and it saddens me that it has taken this situation to get me to really assimilate all of this.

I am trying to see the sunny side, which is that I am seeing it at all. 

I am seeing how it has affected my loved ones, you know, I am seeing that I drove this train, not the bad employers, not the unfair employers, not the good ones either because the bottom line is that while yes, I have had some awful experiences with awful human beings, I have some jobs where there was no excuse whatsoever, no way of justifying any of my decisions or actions because I had amazing bosses, I had phenomenal support and encouragement.

There were two outstanding ones and a handful of really great ones; yeah, the rest of them sucked but at the end of the day, so did I.

Oh my God, remember Dr. Fartzalot? Not his real name...I lasted at that job for 2 days. He was NUTS. I've had some doozies and I hope to write about that one day, a whole book and every boss I've ever had. Because some of them...oh my God, you guys. But again, at the end of the day, I brought myself into all these situations as well. And if I do ever write about that, I will make sure to include that part of things in said book and use it as a reflection of what not to do. Tongue in cheek but also like...hey, I fucked up some opportunities, I cost employers money in having to train someone else. I hurt feelings and caused chaos.

Should I even be writing all this? The email I use for job search is a relatively new one and is not connected in anyway to this blog.

And of course, I use Neecie but I have to be careful who I tell about Willow's Whimsy. Well. No. I don't tell anyone I work for or with, about Willow's Whimsy because it's none of their business and that's one thing I have to get away from. WW needs to be a stand alone and be 100% separate from my day job.

That's another lesson learned.

So today, more job search. Today I have to clean up the kitchen because like I wrote recently, this apartment is so little, it literally blows up so fast and I had it all done, ya know, just two days ago and here we are.

My girl has been very, very sick. She's better today but still low grade fever with no energy.

And I finally got to see my friend Rose yesterday. She's over her Covid but because I've been exposed to whatever my daughter has so brought her her meds which she had asked me to pick up but with a mask and gloves on.

I have to cut this short. I may do a toofer today, we shall see.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grounded, Realistic & Grateful

 

Good Morning,

Ah, well, how are you? 

I hope you are well. It's still freezing in MN but the temps are going to just keep going up for the next 24 hours and we are in for two good days of higher temps, then plunging back down for 2 days and then going into the 20s, which is bearable.

I'm feeling good about how I've been spending my days this last week or so. I've been very productive. This morning, all I need to do is put away the clean dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen and dining room floors and I'm done with cleaning and now it'll just be trying to keep up with it.

But that's much better than trying to get on top of it.

I've applied for several jobs. You guys, I don't hear back on 99% of what I apply for. It's so disheartening. I think my age shows given the dates of employment but the thing is, I considered taking the dates out but everything I've read says not to do that, that it appears deceptive. I don't know what to do anymore.

I really want to give in to fear and beg for help, but that's me from before, that's the me that didn't want to get better, I just wanted out of the consequences for my choices. I want to learn this time, I want never to forget.

I have stopped spending money on anything other than food, gas and cigs. Cigs are at a half pack a day. That is torture. 

But Starbucks is a thing of the past it would seem. I'll get two coffees on my birthday, lol, because they will be free. 

But I haven't done to Starbee's in over a week. That doesn't sound like a lot, but we have to start somewhere, right? I can't justify the cost, it's indulgent, it makes no sense. Why am I not applying this to cigs? One thing at a time. I am hyper aware of it, but still half in denial. Please trust me that I am working towards it.

Everyday I get up and I go through my AM routine and I hit my list, much of which is job search. You know, I wish you could plead your case on cover letters, like be able to tell the fuckers that I'm dying, that I am an inch away from homelessness, the loss of my cats, where would my daughter go, you know all of it...com'on fuckers.

But I can't do that.

It's hard. I am NOT giving in to self-pity. I did this to myself. I know I say that in almost every post where I talk about this stuff. It's not to bash myself, it's to keep it real. 

Nothing will change if I brush this stuff under the carpet.

I'm learning how to be aware of myself and my thoughts and my patterns but from a place of observation and learning, not shame.

Debits and Credits.

There you go.

So on with it I suppose. I'm grateful for my morning and my evening routines right now, they help me immeasurably with keeping myself grounded, realistic and grateful.

Um, my daughter, my oldest girl, she had a procedure yesterday and came through it great. Her hubby let me know as soon as she was in recovery. And she Snapped me later. My Aunt had a procedure on her back two days ago and she said that it went well. So these things are now behind us and hopefully, these will clear up the different issues each of them has had.

I went with my daughter two days ago to visit with our former roomie. He's such a doll. He is starting to lose his voice but this man is amazing. Chemo I think everyday and radiation once a week, or maybe it's the other way around, actually yes, I think it's the other way around, and he's still working. Not as many hours but the same amount of days. He blows me away.

He is someone I can learn from.

Deep breath, cuz that just made me want to cry.

Alright, well, I need to get going. I have a day to live right? I have a job to look for, I have a kitchen and dining room floor to mop. I have lots to do.

Ok, well, be blessed. No matter what, be blessed. You are, I am, we all are.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Neurodivergence

 

Hi Everyone,

Phew. I'm in go mode. You know what makes me happy in the midst of all this chaos? I seem to be having more good, productive days than bad ones. 

Don't get me wrong. Last night, I struggled with sleep. I had to sleep in to get the needed amount and because it was so interrupted, I still felt tired and lethargic this morning. The good news is my daughter had refills, she doesn't use the stuff but she's the one with refills so yeah...it's ready and I'm gonna pick it up today.

I am wanting to really try and set a sleep schedule. I've been half-assing it for years but I am at a point where I want to do everything I can to maintain a healthy life. 

Anyways, last night, I cried a lot. I had to get out the ick because it was building back up. Guys, I need $2,200 by Feb. 1st in order to stay above ground.

I'm looking. I've even been applying at some shitty places with shitty pay...just anything, I'm trying to stay open.

This is the most scared I've ever been but I also know living in fear is fucking awful. It's an almost 100% guarantee I'll go down the dark hole of bullshit I haven't been down in a long, long time. I'm not thinking about it as an option, I'm not entertaining euphoric recall. But even so, the fact remains that I have patterns in my life that may or may not still be with me. I don't know. Because I haven't crossed that bridge. I stay away from that bridge by staying positive, by staying hopeful, by acting grateful for all I do have. But of course fear will come in. I'm on the brink of losing everything. That's not fatalistic, that's reality. That's a pretty fucking scary reality.

As of right now, I still have two applications with the county being considered. So that's good.

I don't care what any of you believe but please, stop right now and picture white light with the words, "She got the job" on them and send them right to me or to Anoka County. 

I am believing that anything and everything can help right now. 

I'm not sure if I told you all about Instacart and the fact that they want you to do 3 shops at a time. I can't do that. I know how my brain works and I will fuck that up completely. First, how do you separate the stuff? Or do you do one shop, bag it, do another shop, bag it, do the third shop, bag it and then deliver? That might be manageable but keep in mind you are on a time frame. I take longer than the average person because staying organized is extremely hard for me. I have a lot of background noise in my mind at any given time. 

I don't say these things to make excuses. People always want to give me suggestions and I take them seriously, I do, but I wish just once that someone, anyone, would acknowledge that these things are and have always been a struggle for me. There is something mental health wise, or I fucking hate this term because everybody and their brother uses it nowadays, neurodivergent, going on.

And you have to understand that the harder I try, the more I fuck shit up. This is not laziness, this is the wires in my brain not being hooked up like normal people. It's fucking real.

And I just keep trying. And I just keep failing. You have to understand that the failure I've literally experienced in every single job I've ever had? I always thought it was my addiction, because that was always the prevalent thing, but I'm coming to understand that there are some true things...learning disabilities, whatever, I only know for sure that I have ADHD, have affected me and it started during puberty. I was never hyper but attention? Yeah right. I fucking struggle.

Again, no excuses. I am trying to find another job, I will work another job, I will try and pray that I don't fuck it up too bad.

But that rant to tell you why Instacart got me all fucked up. Then I found out about a think called Spark and it's pickup and delivery only. Well. Here's the thing. It's a Walmart delivery only app. Ok, cool. Except that are no positions available where I live. The closest is Vadnais Heights, and because of time limits, I'd have to hang out in Vadnais Heights all day, hoping I get a delivery notice.  What do I do all day? I can't sit in my car because I can't afford gas. And how do I look for a job if I'm away from home all day, hoping a delivery notice comes up.

I may sound like I'm being a victim or that I'm saying things are hopeless. It's just frustrating and there is that victim mentality of, "why does everything that gives me a bit of hope, have to have some fucking bullshit attached to it."

But I'm still trying. I haven't given up. I won't.

Please. Send good energy. For those of you pray to whatever God/Gods/Goddesses, pray for my shit. Pray specifically that I get a job that pays what I need to make my budget and pray that I get it SOON, as in this week.

Thank you.

Rant over.

I am proud of myself. I lost my wallet. I'm not proud that I lost my wallet. I realized last night that I couldn't find it. This is where meditation has made a huge difference in my life. I did not freak out. I didn't cry, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't decide my daughter or my cats must've inadvertently done that shit (I used to do that, I'm serious), I just looked for it. I didn't find it last night. I didn't freak out. I checked all my balances and nothing has been used so there you go. I put it on my list of things to do today to look for it and I had almost checked all the places I thought it could be and was about to say, "Ok, I gotta make some calls and cancel some cards, etc." when I found it. It was in my hat and glove box that I keep in my pantry. I have no fucking idea how it got there but there it got and I found that fucker.

With no drama whatsoever.

Yay.

I could write more but I'm bored and I have job search to do.

I love you all.

I'm grateful for everyone in my life and everything that I have in this moment.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Radical Acceptance

 

Hello and Good Morning,

Well. Yesterday was...it wasn't good. I could barely get up off the couch. Right before I picked my daughter up from work last night, I got some things done and I made the mother of all lists for today. And I'm sticking to it.

I will never get anywhere with this on again, off again bullshit. 

I will say that yesterday's crash was in small part because I got in 4 hours of sleep. I ran out of the sleeping meds I take but I did manage to put almost 6.5 hours together last night. 

Yeah, I'm wearing my fitbit again. 

Giving up habits/addictions is so hard for me. I was thinking about it though. I did get rid of one that was so time consuming and that's the stupid game I played on my phone. It's been about 3 months so hey, that's progress.

I've already been up and at it this morning, jumping into all I want to accomplish. 

I ran over to my roommate's place this morning because I had called and texted yesterday with no response. I was worried. I called this morning as well because he generally doesn't work on Mondays. No answer but I also know that he has his chemo in the AM and he's an early bird. His car was in the garage but he wasn't there so at that point I texted his daughter and she assured me that all is well. He had inadvertently turned off his phone notifications but she got it all fixed for him. I'm gonna stop in and see him this morning after dropping my daughter off at work.

I am trying not to panic and trying to act as if. I am trying to have faith and hope and who knows if this manifesting stuff is bullshit or not but I thank the Universe every morning for our abundance and for winning the lottery. Hey, I would take that.

I'm trying to stay off my phone today other than keeping in touch with people. The California fires are just awful. It's not that I don't care, I do. It's just so sad and I pray that they get it under control soon and that no more lives, human or otherwise, are lost. 

But today has to be for gettin' 'er done.

My sister just texted me telling me about a dream she had. 

I am doing some of the DBT stuff on my own and today I'm working on radical acceptance, which means it truly is what it is. And just looking at everything, including my own shit and my impulses, etc. as non-emotionally as possible and telling myself when I'm bullshitting myself.

I went ice skating this weekend. It was so fun. I was with my son and his girl and it was just fun. I loved it. I want to go again but not today, way too cold.

Also, during the week, I don't think the rink by them opens to the public until 4:00PM.

Anyways, it was a good day.

Alright, well, I must go mop the kitchen floor, wash my face, etc.

Then on the next thing.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Make It So

 Good Morning,

You know, since not working, Saturday's just don't feel like Saturday's anymore. 

But I'm running with it.

I had a good, steady day yesterday. I applied for a few jobs, I cleaned a bit, I meal planned and grocery shopped.

Obviously, I blogged. I can't think of everything else right now but yeah...it was good.

The panic is wanting to set back in and immobilize me again but I'm not letting it.

Stay positive girlie.

I am going ice skating with my son and his girl this morning and then I'm gonna come back and finish cleaning, make myself something to eat. 

I am trying, without much success, to stay the hell off my phone, especially before bed time. I googled feel good books because I can't read hard, sad stuff right now. I was hoping half price books had some of them but they don't.

I only want to read before bedtime. I want that to be part of my bedtime ritual if that makes sense. Ha! "Studies show" that people who read before they go to sleep, as opposed to those who hang out on their phone or read on their phone, sleep better.

I am out of the stuff prescribed for sleep so I have to really dedicate myself to the things that can help. I'm trying to not even give it too much thought, or I'll stress myself out into no sleep again.

But for today, I really want to journal and read my DBT stuff. I also got a list of resources from my case manager for therapy. She's going to call Anoka County on Monday to push them to get my MA going. That'll make things much better. I think I am going to get the sleeping pill prescription as well and just use it on those nights I wake up and it's clear I can't get back to sleep without help.

So a chill day.

But yes, job search too. Not as much goes up on the weekends but some does so I want to be on top of that.

And of course, later, bougie bath.

I am trying to do the one day at a time thing.

I still struggle with all I want to get done in spite of the fact that job search should be my number one priority. 

Exercise, my head says.

No, job search.

Clean your apartment, my head says.

No, job search.

Journal, my head says.

No, job search.

Sit here and do nothing, my head says.

NO...no. Job search.

The struggle is real.

I am sensing that relief is in sight.

And the chance to really change things will come with that.

Make it so.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Aging Out

 Dahhhhhlings!!

My daughter is getting ready for work so I thought, "Ok, good time to get in a quickie post."

Yesterday was good. I got some things done before my sis came over. We ate, my daughter was off so we all just sortof talked. Then my sister and I went and saw The Last Showgirl with Pam Anderson. My sister couldn't decide if she was overacting in some parts or if she's just that excellent of an actor.

I have always loved her. She never seemed mean. She never seemed full of herself.

There was a line in the movie, towards the end that really stuck with my sister and it was just so...true. 

I won't give any spoilers, there's no huge climax at the end.

I thought it was a very good movie, I thought she did a great job. Jamie Lee Curtis was in it and she had me dying. That woman puts everything into a performance. She gives no fucks.

But it really rang true, the parts about aging out of certain things. What it's like to be young and not fully comprehend what happens to us physically and emotionally as we age.

I know it can be hard on men but I gotta tell ya, as per the norm, women have it worse. We just do. I'll either write about those things or do a video on them soon.

Today, I'm doing job search and doing some of the "meeting myself" stuff.

And I'm going to call Anoka County to see about my medical assistance app. I need to get the meds already and I need to get in for a checkup, etc.

There isn't to much to say.

Panic serves no purpose.

I will get a job, we will be OK. 

It's written in the stars, I know it is.

So there you have it.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Leroy

 

Ah, I can still say good morning!

God Morgon to all of you!!

Trying out my Swedish. Yeah, I used Google Translate, lol. 

I could not sleep last night. I think it was around 2 I finally fell asleep. I allowed myself the rabbit hole yesterday, well last night.

I also took a long ass nap during the day, which threw me off.

Then, this morning, weird ass dreams, which I remember snippets of and I have no idea how to even do a dream analysis of them, they were so weird.

Thankfully, they weren't disturbing. At least I remember that much.

We are almost out of the hydroxyzine I use for sleep but I'm thinking of trying something else anyways.

If I do, and it works, I'll let you in on it.

The last two days I struggled but managed to get some things done. Take your victories where you can, even the small ones. Don't focus on what didn't get done, be grateful for what you were able to get done. Manifest that shit Leroy.

I don't know who Leroy is, but it sounded good in the moment.

I have a list for today and I am going to see a movie with sister so I need to push my damn self. 

Yes, I know, fucking lists.

But without them, I am lost in a sea of turbulence, bouncing from one large wave to the next, sometimes treading water, sometimes starting to go under, sometimes being tossed about and on a much lower scale, just cresting on top of those waves.

I guess that's all I've got today.

I feel a bit better and I'll do all I can to get shit done both before and after the movie.

Have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie