Explanation - Long

 

OK,

I have limited time and I am going to try and write out a second post for today that sortof updates people on where things are at and what has led me to where I am.

So, first and most obvious, is that I have always struggled with laziness and what AA refers to as the “easier, softer way.”

Pushing myself, challenging myself, these things are foreign to me.

I am going to try and not go to a place of self-bashing but it’ll be hard.

My past includes things like poor choices, impulsive choices, irresponsibility, addiction, obsession with certain things…a crushingly low self-esteem.

I am going to stay away from specifics because I am in a very precarious place right now and I really need to try and keep myself from falling further.

Mom’s illness took a toll on me. I was thrust into the position of responsibility with no practice at it.

And everyday with that beautiful human, I saw her lose a bit more of herself. Each day was her new best and her new best was a little best than the best the day before.

I was working part time at that time but had to give it up when her needs became greater and she was still living on her own.

I just couldn’t do it.

You see, I don’t deal well with stress well either, nor change.

And Mom couldn’t help what was happening to her so when I say I was deeply resentful, it wasn’t at her. It was at life. Here was someone who had lived well into her late 90s, independently, the rock and center of our family and you know, if you know the story there, she fucking saved my sister and I. She had her own son, my lovely Paulness (he’s my half uncle but I’ve always considered him to be my brother) but when she took Stace and I in, she did it with all her heart and she never treated us as anything but her own. We were not less than Paul, we were equal to.

So this woman gave everything to us and to her grandchildren and again, she was so independent…I did not see this coming and I was mad at the world for this. She didn’t deserve this.

And I guess it was roughly a 2-3 year process.

None of it was easy, none of it was kind. It was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through.

And in caring for her, I made mistakes. I am imperfect. But here’s the thing with that too; I will always admit my mistakes but I rarely learn from them, I use them instead to bash myself. I have a whole storage building full of my mistakes. They are not categorized, they just show up when they want to and they kick my ass.

Now, I never neglected mom, I never hurt her. It was more like impatience from time to time and arguing with her when I didn’t need to. She had dementia and it didn’t matter if I corrected her, she was going to believe what she believed.

So things like that; being tired in the mornings but having to get up before she did, to make sure she’d be safe and getting her coffee and cinnamon roll ready.

I did eventually have to put locks on the fridge, on the stove and the microwave, not to withhold from her, I made sure she got whatever she requested but if allowed to her own devices, there were spills, there were things left out, things burned in the microwave.

In order to keep her with  me and to keep her safe, these things were necessary but they were devastating.

I’m not pointing fingers anymore but I will say that I felt incredibly alone in that whole process.

My two besties, Lisa and Erin? I am so grateful for them. I rarely went without a call from one of them, they were so worried.

They didn’t blow off my experience as me over-dramatizing things, they held space for me.

Even so, like I said, this process was to much for someone to bear alone.

If a stranger reads this, or a friend who is facing this…please be informed before you make decisions for your parents. Please be honest with yourselves about who you are and know what kind of mental health support you are likely to have.

Will others in the family help you?

You need to know all of this.

I romanticized this because it was my chance to give back to the one person in this world who truly loved me unconditionally. Or maybe…the first. My kids, despite all I put them through, they love me.

Ok, so when mom died, I did get some money and I paid off all my debt.

Literally.

I was debt free.

And I don’t remember the full way things played out from that point on but I got it in my head that I had to move, that I was ready and with the move came new furniture because I didn’t have any. I even gave one table I had ordered away because it didn’t match my living room set.

I bought a new one!

My daughter got married and of course, I was not going to not be there…take out a loan Denise.

It was a small loan but even so…

So yeah, this is going on, we move and I get “stuff” for the apartment and then I quit my job and that’s where this current state of affairs stems from, although like I said certain well established patterns have brought me to this place.

So I take out another loan to cover things, I try doing temp work out of desperation because COVID ruined this country and now good old 47 is killing us all.

That’s a whole nother source of stress I have been able to put aside. I let the people who are able to do something about it…try and do it.

I am one person.

But I still hear things and I know that part of what I’m experiencing and what he’s done to our economy.

I digress.

I start getting credit cards. I get a few temp jobs and I’m able to keep making payments on my debt, which increased exponentially. I could never pay rent because of all the debt payment and people, namely two people and one surprise person once, helped me. I’m talking about 2 years ago at this point because I did receive help within the past two days and we’ll get there.

I don’t know how to explain survival mode. You have to have been in it in one form or the other.

The stress and what it does to your body, not to mention the guilt I felt at constantly needing help.

So lets stop there and talk about shame. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is something you feel when you’ve done something wrong and shame is about who you are. You are wrong, you are bad, you are unworthy of happiness, joy, etc.

I have never not known shame. Since I was a tiny little girl…shame.

I never felt a part of, I always felt different. I always felt less than. I felt this with my appearance, I felt this in comparison to my friends, I felt this educationally, I felt this in my jobs and as a mother. I felt this with men and my various lovers. While from the outside, I looked like a free spirit sexually, you have to know that I have shame over that too.

Shame.

So I’m trying to find a job, the struggle to keep up with the debt, pay the bills and the rent is mounting. I find a job, but it’s seasonal.

I went through hell at that job but I did it. I made it through until we were laid off, but still struggling financially because of the debt.

The elephant in the room is much tinier than an elephant. It’s the exact size of…a cigarette!

I can’t afford that shit physically, financially and it too causes me shame.

Smoke free where I live so I have to go out to my car and I sit there smoking and my neighbors come and go and still I sit there smoking. I’m the smoking girl.

And man do I struggle with letting this one go.

I have stopped buying impulsively, that is long gone but still…the smoking.

I have given up having new things or even feeling like I might deserve them from time to time; one extreme to the other with this but one must admit that while one is struggling financially, you just suck it up and deal with it.

Still…the smoking.

So I’m laid off last November, which throws me right back into chaos and needing help and in May, I got this job.

I got a job that pays me lower than anything I’ve ever made before. It’s humiliating telling people what I make, it’s barely over minimum wage. It’s barely over McDonalds.

And so, the decision to let the debt go and to file bankruptcy.

But here’s the thing. I only make enough to pay my bills, you cannot magically create money from nothing or from where there is none to begin with.

Even quitting smoking for the 3 weeks made a difference but it just gave me wiggle room, no room to save for the attorney, that’s for sure.

People say, “I’m sorry” and that’s nice, it is, but it doesn’t help. People want to help but a person can only give so much and I understand that.

I’m not…like I don’t expect people to just give up their hard earned money.

And people have helped all my life and by the time I finally figured out I really have to do the work, I guess I feel like now I’m being punished for wanting to heal these things and fix them. I’m not…I have no answers.

You live each day knowing even worse is coming and not knowing how to get what you need to fix these very things.

I can only do the work of not being impulsive, of budgeting but again…I have what I am paid and no more.

It’s this futility.

Why not apply for another job? Well my ass certainly needs to apply but let’s talk for a minute about all the things I hate about me. Because this inner voice reigns supreme and it is paralyzing me to a point it never has before.

·         I’m old

·         I look old

·         I’m fat

·         I dress frumpy now  because I can’t afford clothes

·         My clothes don’t fit because I got fat again and I can’t afford clothes that fit

·         My hair got really thin and it makes me look stupid, plus I can’t afford to get it done so I have my Pennywise the Clown tufts of gray hair poking out from just next to my ears. Like sideburns, only great puffs of gray. The only difference between Pennywise and me is that I don’t eat small children.

·         I will never achieve my dreams, time to give them all up

·         I’m ugly

·         I have lipodema and cannot afford the surgery to fix it so my calves are ginormous.

·         Since menopause I feel like I smell weird, like old, it’s gross

·         I stick to nothing

o   Quitting smoking

o   Exercising

o   A schedule

·         I’m lazy

·         My apartment, despite my best efforts is cluttered and so small, I give up on a daily basis, trying to get it clean and organized but this apartment will never be organized because even a snail couldn’t live here comfortably

·         I’m dumb

·         I could never get a good job, so why try

·         I’m not as good as other people

·         I have dermatillomania (chronic, uncontrollable skin picking, it’s an OCD/Anxiety disorder with a very low cure rate). It has disfigured me, though for the most part I’m able to hide what I do and only recently have started at my face. More shame!! Woot woot.

·         I have IBS and let me just say that the diarrhea I’ve dealt with on a daily basis for years has taken on a new life and I…I have no words. I suspect it’s the magnesium I take but I did not sleep for years it made me crazy and it made healing anything impossible, whether physical or mental so I’m not giving up the magnesium glycinate or L-Threanate. But farts just come out of me, they just come out of me now, doesn’t matter where I am…pfffft, machine gun, all of ‘em, no warning, I just fart. I worry that I stink like poop

·         I can’t help my kids when they are in need, what kindof worthless fuck can’t help her children?

My friend said to me the other day, would you say these things to me? No. What would you do if I said these things to myself? Slap you and tell you to stop that.

So why is it ok for me to live in this constant state of I’m not good enough but be upset if my friends were living like this?

Why don’t I deserve to love myself and believe in myself and try to pursue my dreams?

The answer is I don’t fucking know man.

This is just how it has always been.

Now.

I did get help and I was not expecting it all.

But first let’s go over the past few weeks because in spite of all of this, I have been maintaining up until very, very recently. Maybe not in a healthy manner but maintaining…you know?

There were some deaths. My brakes went out.

Ok, death is inevitable, right? Brakes go out, right?

Brakes got fixed but I did have to use rent money to get the parts. My son in law did them for me and didn’t charge me for service. Where do you come up with $200 dollars you simply do not have?

Where?

You see why I feel helpless, even though I despise feeling helpless. My ego and my shame tell me, “you are Denise Motherfucking Johnson”, get it together tough one.

Where do you get money you don’t have when that is what you need?

Well I will say this.

In speaking with above-mentioned friend, she also helped me prioritize some things.

The first thing is just getting to work this week; my car will be fixed.

And today, the next thing is happening. And you wanna talk shame? I’m going to be very, very honest here but withhold part of the story because shaming others is not something I’m into and the person has no reason to feel shame anyways. He made an impulsive decision, one that I condoned by the way and it led to major consequences.

There was a puppy purchased. And then this person’s situation changed immediately, like literally overnight and I took the puppy for a few days and fell in love with it and then the person said in all honesty (again, I respect this) that because of the major changes, he couldn’t take care of the puppy so here I am and I have major borderline personality disorder brought on by early childhood abandonment and I’m supposed to get rid of the dog? I’m supposed to let him go, even though it’s for the best?

He’s been with us for almost two weeks and I now know I can’t do it, I can’t care for a puppy. I’m so exhausted.

This for me, will haunt me for the rest of my life, even if it is for the best. You don’t take on an animal and let it fall in love with you and then just…get rid of it.

I know the fucking arguments. It’s better for the dog, it’s better for me. I have a disorder that wants me dead but will settle for me as fucked up as possible and the biggest no-no in my life is abandonment. I am trying to believe what other people are saying but they are up against a malformation in my brain (you can look that shit up, it’s sortof like being born with a traumatic brain injury) and the NUMBER ONE TRIGGER for it to just kick in and ruin a person’s life is…abandonment. Because of what I went through when I was little and honestly continued to go through with how I was treated by certain individuals while growing up, I cannot abandon people. It’s why I couldn’t give my son up for adoption all those years ago when everyone was telling me to.

So yeah, it’s for the best, I get it but I will never, ever forget this. I will never, ever be able to let it go or forgive myself and that is borderline personality disorder at it’s finest in terms of self abuse.

And because it’s literally been one thing after another; a relentless shitpour of fuckery, I lost my shit completely. I was finally without any defense against bullshit.

So that’s today, ya know?

Now a miracle happened. I try not to blab my shit all over FB anymore but I did it out of desperation.

I will NOT go into a mental health facility because I don’t agree with the way they are run or the supposed help they give. It’s all bandaid shit and they are usually horribly depressing places and they do not differentiate between the violent mentally ill and the non-violent mentally ill.

And please here this: I HAVE NO INSURANCE and no, I don’t qualify for shit. I’ve checked, please stop telling me to do that. My work has a great plan, they really do but I CANNOT AFFORD IT AT MY CURRENT WAGE.

I am officially suicidal. I would prefer death and finally…a blessed relief from the 58 years of turmoil, struggle and chaos that has been as close to me as my own fingers.

I want out.

However, I am still at a holding on point, where I like…still believe maybe something could happen and get better? Where the pain of hurting my children and the people who love me, still outweighs the pain of me finally giving in…yeah the kids matter more at this point. So does my cat.

So as facetious as that may sound, it is valid and I won’t do it.

All that said, because of my post, people helped. I’m not going to go into dollar amounts or names but…people helped.

Car is getting fixed Friday. Puppy is going today.

I am having to use some of the money to Uber to work as my boss is as unsympathetic as they come and I can’t afford to lose another job.

I should still have enough to pay rent and pay for the car to be fixed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who have helped.

At the end of the day, I just need help financially to get past these few last issues. I know what this will look like going forward and I’m already applying for a different job inspite of how I feel about myself and my prospects.

I still need a bit more, and it’ll either happen or it won’t.

Today, I’m OK.

So.

That’s where this all is and I have a lot to get through.

I despise organized religion and my faith is nature based…take that as you will but I need to be doing more spiritual things and I need to be taking care of myself and today…I’m north of the earth, I’m grateful for help.

I’m trying. I’m at work, my son is picking me up at 1 to get the puppy situation accounted for and to do right by that precious little man.

My car will be fixed Friday night and rent will be paid on Saturday.

So for the next 3 days, I’ll be uncomfortable but the basics will be dealt with.

Thanks for reading.

Some of you have really given me hope and I’m grateful.

Neecie

Denise

Dumbshit

Whoever the fuck I am

Thank You

Good Morning!

Wow, it has been a whirlwind this past week.

I have been stressed and in survival mode for so long.

The puppy made me realize how inactive and unhealthy I’ve become.

I shut down very quickly between the puppy and the cat situation.

And any kind of change, be it positive or negative sends me into a spiral as it is.

I have received so much help in the past few days.

Thank you.

I had an old fashioned meltdown in spite of the help. Screaming, crying, saying FTW, I wish I was dead, I wanna die, all of it.

No problem if I’m alone but I subjected my daughter to it and that’s not OK.

The car will be fixed on Friday and the puppy is being surrendered today. I have huge guilt over this.

I want to make it clear a puppy was not in my radar. I wanted to save him and I didn’t think it through. None of us did but it doesn’t make us bad. We meant well. 

Puppies shit by the way.

They shit in the morning, they shit in the afternoon, they shit at night and they shit in between all that about 500 times. They shit when they’re hungry, they shit when they’re full. They shit when they’re barking and when they are quiet. They float in the air and shit down, they swim in the depths of the ocean and shit in it. I told my friend Jenn last night that it is now belief that every mountain ever made started out as a pile of puppy shit.

Still.

I have fallen in love with him.

He will have a chance at a much better life elsewhere.

I’ve been unable to find rides to work for the rest of the week, which means Ubers.

My daughter took me yesterday. I’m so grateful. My boss looked up a bus route but you guys, you’re talking to someone who has sunk into laziness and despair and every movement takes massive effort. In addition, I’d be brought downtown and have to walk 1.9 miles to get to my job in a very shady neighborhood.

Look, I love drug addicts, I understand drug addicts but sober, I don’t want have to deal with addicts or someone who might attack me for whatever reason. I’m an old lady scaredy cat now.

I’m going to have to see if someone can get me to Target tonight. We have no toilet paper. I will also need to rent a carpet shampooer. Puppies pee constantly too and while I was getting good at the training, I just got exhausted.

There is a lot of change needed here.

I don’t know if I can do it but I have to try. The only other alternative o see is to take a permanent vacation.

I wrote that only because these things are prevalent in my mind right now.

I’m trying, I really am, it’s just been one thing after another and then it amped up about 500% in the past week and a half and I couldn’t cope.

You all give me hope. The calls, the messages, the help; they all mean so much.

There is much healing to be done. I have to remember that it’s one thing at a time. Because of the generosity I’ve been shown, the car will be fixed on Friday. The sweet lil puppy man will be at a really good rescue today. I will borrow the money for the attorney and get the bankruptcy going. It may cost more now because of the medical bills from my hospital stay. We still don’t know what’s up with my heart but that has to be for later.

Anyways, then we quit smoking again and start exercising, eating better, doing the things that help me and then I start looking for a new job. 

Once working and having insurance again, I intend to pursue therapy and meds again.

There’s hope, there has to be.

Thank you again for everyone who has helped.

Denise

Lead By Example..Or Don’t

Hey All,

Good news/bad news. 

The bad news, the worst, is of course the puppy. I am going to have to let that in and feel it because I am SICK about it.

I know all the arguments and I agree with them. It doesn’t make this any easier.

Having that sweet boy in my arms all night long for over a week now has been so precious. I get very sick of the arguments that everything happens for a reason. In this case, fuck the reasons. There’s no way anyone will ever be able to convince me that this is Fair. Or a lesson. Still, it all comes down to knowing that I can’t care for him the way he deserves to be cared for. Sadly, my cats are suffering as a result of this too.

The other bad news is, I can’t get my car fixed until Friday night. But understand how grateful I am that help is on its way. So I have to figure a lot of shit out. I have to figure out how to get here tomorrow. I have put in a request to someone to pick me up at 1 PM tomorrow and bring me to my house so I can pack the puppy up and to take me out to Buffalo to drop him off.

I really hope that he can do this for me.

I have rides home both Thursday and Friday night but not rides to work. So I need to figure that out.

The good news is that a friend of mine had a good talk with me last night and she helped me prioritize these issues.

She also told me to post, asking for help.

So I did that but even before I asked for help, someone offered. Not going to go into dollar amount here, but I have enough to pay for the parts for the car and also to pay the person who’s going to fix the car.

The puppy, like I said very sadly, will be gone tomorrow.

The next thing is the bankruptcy. I cannot wait on this. Part of the massive stress I’m going through is that I am getting at least 75 phone calls a day and that doesn’t even include the texts and the emails.

So if I can get these three things behind me…Life should at least be bearable again.

I know I have been flippy, floppy about this job but I’m done.

That is the next priority.

Getting out of here. While I appreciate her directness, there is a lot of do as I say and not as I do. And she does it to all of us. I came in this morning and she had put a stack of shit on my desk, with notes about how wrong each thing was done. Some of these, when I researched them, were on her and I fucking put nasty post it notes on them telling her that. 

Some of them were things like I stapled the fucking paperwork wrong. That’s her fucking OCD but nope…no accountability.

Done.

She’s been on the phone constantly with her husband and city of &$*#^, because she’s building her dream house. Yet my daughter calls me once and it’s like I launched a nuclear attack on small children.

No leading by example and I needed to come to see that and not be ok with it.

New job.

Not feeling bad about that anymore.

Thank you for showing me who you are. 

I keep looking at the picture of the puppy and breaking down.

This will be the one thing I’ll never forgive myself for.

So I guess on with it.

Hope you all have a good one.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Can’t Do It

Ok, ok.

It’s hard for me not to write out all the shit that goes through my head.

Yes, part of me does wish I would just have a massive heart attack and die.

Let’s just put that out there. 

Because there is no end in sight.

And I can’t go on like this. This constant torrential pouring down of shit. One thing after another.

How do you get through it? Especially with solutions when there don’t seem to be any?

I feel like I can only take so much.

I’m wanting to quit this job. I’m wanting to pack up my Grey and just go, leave everything else behind.

But where? I have 800 dollars to my name and that goes for rent. I’m behind on the electric bill too so…

I’ve been running the air a lot because I’m so sensitive to the heat and we’ve got a week of this shit ahead of us.

Being overweight again doesn’t help with that.

I’m so uncomfortable.

The puppy was so heartfelt and welcome but this is so hard. At least when you have a baby, they can’t go anywhere and they only poop in their diaper, not all over.

I got in way over my head with this and I feel like such a failure.

Then there’s me; my weight, the IBS. I joke about poop all the time but it’s taking a toll. I feel dirty all the time. And yes, I’ve tried so many different things to see if anything will help and the only thing that does, is not eating at all.

And I think because of all the stress, my cortisol levels must be through the roof because I’ve developed this B.O., it’s a bad smell. It’s not always here but if I don’t shower twice a day, you can smell it. I don’t like this.

My clothes don’t fit. I feel so ugly. 

You have no idea how this self loathing feels to carry.

The cats are so upset about the puppy, we are so out of whack.

You guys, there is nothing to look forwards to for me. That spark is just gone. I am a boring, sad, fat, frumpy ugster. If this is going to be my life, I want out.

I just want out.

I know it’s scary to read this but think of it this way; if I had cancer and was suffering and I chose to end it, you all would understand but I am in pain, it’s just a different kind. And I fear it’s terminal. There is nothing joy. There is no hope.

Hang in there is not a good thing to say to me right now. Hang in there until what? I lose everything? These problems aren’t going away.

You have to understand too that I believe there is something beautiful beyond all this.

And if I’m wrong and there’s nothing…at least all this struggle ends.

Someone said to my daughter the other night that no one seems to be taking something seriously. Understand that no one takes seriously the depths that I’ve sunk to either. I don’t know if I can make it back up to breathe anymore. I might’ve sunk to far.

You see, it’s not just one thing, it’s many, many things.

I have nothing left in me.

Nothing.

I want Mom and Dad. If there really is something after this, and they are there, I just want to be with them.

I feel nothing good. I feel empty but full of just failure and grief too.

Mental health shit is real. It’s real and it’s hard but when you add to that a life that keeps throwing shit at you, well that’s hard too.

I think I’m going to clean my apartment and start throwing all the supplies for my products away. 

It’s never going to happen. Good things happen to me but never lasting things. Less for my family to have to do.

You all have to trust that relief looks different for everyone.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better. Maybe not.

But I do know I can’t sit here on my stupid phone all day wondering how I’ll get to work tomorrow.

If I can’t get there tomorrow, I’ll quit. My boss doesn’t deserve this either.

So…I mean that’s my truth and that’s where I’m at.

I won’t post this one on my page. To many people will freak out.

No End

Hey All,

I could sleep and sleeep and sleep. I HATE waking up. I have no Transportation so I couldn’t go into work today. Another missed day of pay. Wow. Because that’s what I need.

The bill collectors will start calling in an hour. I’m already in tears. I wish I could be strong and I wish there were answers, but I feel that there are none.

If things would stop getting worse, I could believe that they could get better, but it’s one thing after another and I’m beat by this, I can’t go on.

Not like this.

My Auntie was here this weekend and I love her so much and I’m so glad she came. I just feel bad because I really had nothing in me, I kinda know where this is gonna end up with me, this whole thing. I just can’t do it anymore you guys I can’t.

I am despondent over the puppy, but I’m at peace with the decision. He’s here for two more days and I have to figure out how to get him way out to the rescue, which is in Buffalo, Minnesota.

When I got out of bed to go to the bathroom this morning, I looked at my legs and they are covered in bruises. Those must come from the puppy, right? He’s a  biter.

I have nothing. Absolutely nothing positive to say here. I have no solution.

Well I do but there is no one who could possibly do that for me.

I’m gonna check out and try to get through yet another horrific day.

Be at peace and be blessed my friends,

Neecie

Donkey C*ck

Sunday.

I’m having a really hard time holding on.

I have slowly been losing the ability to do much of anything. I feel confused by life in a way I never did. It’s like there’s so much to constantly do and every step forward I make, the Universe pulls me back and hits me with more.

My car died.

I had to finally admit I can’t keep the puppy. I’m sick about it. I want to die. I hope he is as loved by someone else as he is by me. 

I admitted to my bestie this morning that I cry every morning when I realize I didn’t die while I slept. I go to bed asking the Gods, The Universe or whatever to take me.

My dreams will never come true. I’m fat, old and ugly. My nose has changed and it makes me look bizarre. I dress like a frump. I can’t get my hair done.

I can’t even afford to pay an attorney for bankruptcy so I can stop the 75+ calls a day from debtors.

I want to change. I want to show myself and others what I can do but there is no motivation or hope anymore.

I hate summer and it just won’t go away. 80s all week, sometimes close to the 90s. I can’t do it.

I want to be with Mom and Dad.

There are good things here but they are not things that need me. 

I have nothing, no energy, no hope. I’m tired all the time.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t want help. I want out.

I do believe in God, just not the way some do. I’m frustrated and hurt by “God” at this time but I believe what I believe and I think there’s release and live and an understanding we can’t begin to achieve here.

I will never get to warn or achieve the things most people take for granted; success, a home…a puppy. 

My kids think they need me but they do t. I’m a burden. I’m a Debbie Downer.

I’m no use to anyone or anything anymore.

I just want to go to where we go when this ends. This place sucks and I hate it.

I love my people and my animals but the rest of sucks big, hairy donkey cock. 

Lucky donkey.

The puppy is snoring and has been cuddled up to me for hours. I am not worthy of him or deserving of this adoration. It wouldn’t be like this if I was.

I’m just writing this because I want people to know, when I get this all figured out, that’s it’s not their fault. It’s something bigger than me that I can’t fully understand.

I just can’t even fully understand.

Be Blessed y’all.

D

Alone & Fat

Good Morning!!

It’s raining and shitty out.

My Aunt arrived safely and she and my sister hung out last night. 

I got in my cups. 

I’m so unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if I ever was happy and if I’ll ever be happy.

I love this puppy so much, it’s just the responsibility overwhelming. But he’s laying next to me now, conked out and I have to believe I’ve done something good, that all of this will work out. That my life will work out.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I really hope I don’t have to come back, not if it’s gonna be more of the same shit. 

I’m sinking. I feel like I’ve been hanging on for dear life for a long time and I’m slowly losing my grip. And what am I holding onto? Because it’s all so hard.

I feel like the only way out is the permanent way out because I have a hard time believing life will ever be anything other than kaka.

I’m grateful for my family and my friends, I’m grateful for my kitties and this little puppy.

But I’m just so sad all the time. Alone, fat and sad.

I wake up in the morning and all I look forward to is when I can go to bed again.

It is what it is. I’m committed to remaining north of the earth today.

And eventually, it’ll be time for bed again.

Yay.

I do however hope you have a good day Dear Reader.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie