Comfort in the Quiet

Good Morning,

So much for getting up at 5. I got up at 8 and that's fine...it's whatever. I have a hard time getting up when it's dark out.

Getting older for me, has meant that I don't appreciate night as I once did. I used to prefer it to day.

I think it makes me feel afraid.

Anyways, I was down for the count yesterday but today I intend to go hard. And I will have a list for tomorrow but it will be greatly dumbed down.

Because I know how I am and for now, I do need to work somewhat within those parameters before I can really start to push myself. And I have always had a great day, followed by a "fall" day, meaning I fall down dead and don't do shit.

I want to do shit but it's going to have to be easier.

I'm doing things in cycles today; clean something, apply for a job, work on a project, eat something, exercise, shower, rinse, repeat.

As far as exercising goes right now, it's super simple because I just have to get used to moving again. Y'girl been lazy.

All I know is enough. Enough of the horrid thoughts racing through my head, enough of giving into fear. 

I am so tired but I have to start pushing through that.

So here we are and it's a gorgeous day and I have lots of time to finish what I want to finish today.

I can only try to make right now count, and staying busy helps keep me sane. Someday, I know, I will find comfort in the quiet but not until I learn to quiet the voices in my head that are always, always, there.

So, I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Deprivation

Good Morning!!

Well damn. My blog has hit an all time high. We are at Oct. 18 and I’ve had over 21K views this month.

With so many views, could I ask if you’d be willing to subscribe to my YouTube Channel?

Willow’s Whimsy

I appreciate you!!!

Yesterday was too much. It’s no one else’s fault, it is what it is, life on life’s terms. Those things we can do nothing but accept but I am seeing how there must be room to grow in that.

I have always been a dreamer. I have always had hopes, plans, lists and big goals. I am good at daring to dream but we all know that taking those things from my head and putting it into fruition is difficult at best and impossible at worst. I seem to choose living in the worst instead of the best and I need to redefine best. I talk about A to Z without wanting to do the B through Y part. Lord do I struggle with B through Y. I struggle because of many things; boredom, complacency, going too fast (lack of mindfulness). I don’t stop to experience, feel or God forbid, enjoy the moments. And it seems to me that’s where the personal miracle happens.

I have blessed with miracles but not the internal ones. Those I have chosen to constantly deprive myself of.

So it all comes down to what can I do right now, in this moment? And can I allow myself the process without murdering my soul because I’m not at Z?

Everything I want, the majority of things I don’t have…are material in nature and we can’t completely go without some of these things.

But what do I have right now? What are the things I can be grateful for?

I could list them and I will but not here. I will make a list. And I’ll read the damn thing everyday and I’ll add to it.

I can tell you that it’s beautiful outside right now. Sunshine, chill wind, it’s crisp. The world feels more real to me when it’s not sweltering outside.

I need to ask for help today. I need to run some errands and I have no car to do these things so I’m going to have to ask for help. 

It is what it is.

Today I have been beating myself up. Someone texted me a picture from awhile back and it literally sent me into a tailspin. You can see the deformity of my body, the Lipodema.

I wanted to die of shame and embarrassment.

Even writing about it, I’m in tears.

But will I do anything about it? Will I?

Will I do anything about my financial situation?

Will I quit smoking?

Will I ever be at peace with myself?

Well…I would like to be.

I guess all I can do is try.

I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to have mental health shit. I didn’t ask to be the way I am.

But I can try to love myself within those parameters and in doing so, maybe I can break out of said parameters.

That’s all I got.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Queen

My Queen

Hello,

Here I am. Been a few days but life has been...a bit different. I don't know.

My beautiful Grey; aka Greyhame, Mon Petite Dragon, Bunches, Grey Grey, Queenie...she's been very sick. It's ironic that today, she is more herself than she has been.

We are taking her into urgent care today and I mean, it's more than likely that she won't be coming home with us.

It's a quality of life thing because while she's more herself today than she has been the past couple days, something is clearly wrong and I have to ask if they want to do labs, what are they looking for and if it is those things, what would the treatment be and if the treatment is unaffordable, if the treatment would be hard on her, does it make sense to have her go on; maybe healing but suffering in other ways. She's been a very healthy cat and having to shove pills down her throat isn't quality of life, ya know? She definitely has thyroid issues because in spite of her eating well, she's "skin and bones" as my son put it just now.

It's hard. It's so hard. She's 17 and a half years old. She's been super healthy.

This is killing me and I don't like being the one who has to make this decision. If I had oodles of money, I might try to keep her going but again, at what point would I be forced to say enough? And there's a line you don't want to cross, a line between what's best for her and what's me being selfish and not wanting to let her go?

If I were to write out everything we've been through in the past 5 years...I don't want to be strong anymore.

I would like some comfort and ease.

Today will be hard.

I have $1300.00 to my name, no job. 

I can only do what I can do for my sweet girl.

This sucks. 

Mocha is 11 and Pumps will be 4 in December.

I will see Grey everywhere and will look for her in the usual spots for the rest of my life. And I really, really hope that there is something after, because when I go, I want her to run right up to me and jump in my arms if I have arms. 

If not, jump into my spirit.

I can't keep writing. My heart won't let me.

But I'll write later today, or maybe tomorrow.

Please think of us.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Queen

Hello,

Here I am. Been a few days but life has been...a bit different. I don't know.

My beautiful Grey; aka Greyhame, Mon Petite Dragon, Bunches, Grey Grey, Queenie...she's been very sick. It's ironic that today, she is more herself than she has been.

We are taking her into urgent care today and I mean, it's more than likely that she won't be coming home with us.

It's a quality of life thing because while she's more herself today than she has been the past couple days, something is clearly wrong and I have to ask if they want to do labs, what are they looking for and if it is those things, what would the treatment be and if the treatment is unaffordable, if the treatment would be hard on her, does it make sense to have her go on; maybe healing but suffering in other ways. She's been a very healthy cat and having to shove pills down her throat isn't quality of life, ya know? She definitely has thyroid issues because in spite of her eating well, she's "skin and bones" as my son put it just now.

It's hard. It's so hard. She's 17 and a half years old. She's been super healthy.

This is killing me and I don't like being the one who has to make this decision. If I had oodles of money, I might try to keep her going but again, at what point would I be forced to say enough? And there's a line you don't want to cross, a line between what's best for her and what's me being selfish and not wanting to let her go?

If I were to write out everything we've been through in the past 5 years...I don't want to be strong anymore.

I would like some comfort and ease.

Today will be hard.

I have $1300.00 to my name, no job. 

I can only do what I can do for my sweet girl.

This sucks. 

Mocha is 11 and Pumps will be 4 in December.

I will see Grey everywhere and will look for her in the usual spots for the rest of my life. And I really, really hope that there is something after, because when I go, I want her to run right up to me and jump in my arms if I have arms. 

If not, jump into my spirit.

I can't keep writing. My heart won't let me.

But I'll write later today, or maybe tomorrow.

Please think of us.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Holy Monday Batman

Good Morning!

It’s still Monday but I decided to blog as I go through today.

One thing I need to do is stay in reality. Another thing I need to do is prioritize. We all know what my priority is right now.

It’s 10:07 and I did hear from my boss and she acted normal.

So I’m grateful for that and I’m allowing myself to let the negative self talk go and to feel the relief that that situation is behind me.

Relief is good. I’m able to smile in this moment.

This WILL be my last day of smoking and I’m giving up coffee too. I don’t need it.

I also know that I’ll be struggling with sleep again so I’m going to going to allow myself to stay up until 10 tonight and try and sleep til 6 but if I don’t, I’ll stay in bed until 5 and then I’ll get up. 

I’m ok.

10:24

Outside smoking, sitting in the grass and feeling the breeze. It feels so good. It was in the upper 80s the last two days. In Minnesota. The weather is the thing that really scares me. This isn’t normal. But I have no control over it and today it’s cooler and I’m listening to the breeze, feeling it blow through my hair.

And I’m grateful for the cool down.

I should mention I took a shower and washed my hair because I was so amped up on anxiety this weekend, I didn’t do either and I stunk.

So..ya know….that helps.

It is 11:43. I filled out and submitted an application to a job I’m capable of but that is terrifying.

I opted not to include my most recent employment for obvious reasons.

Next I am going to do some yoga and meditation and then I’ll resume my job search.

I did my yoga and it felt freaking amazing. I still have most of my flexibility just not so great on the strength part. My legs and arms were shaking. So then I did 10 minutes of meditation and really worked on just staying present and not letting my mind drift.

My daughter got up and we talked. She makes me so happy. I’m very proud of her, of who she is and how she proceeds through this thing called life.

I’m outside having a smoke. Next more job search and maybe some food.

So this is where things get hairy. If a job is not directly on a bus line, I can’t take it. I also need to find out where I would get picked up out here. The trains were shut down so that’s not an option. 

There are actually a lot of wonderful opportunities, but I would have to Uber and I would be in the same situation. I was at in my current or I should say most recent job. So for now, it’s either downtown Minneapolis, or within a 5 mile area of where I currently live.

Some of these jobs are really scary because of a couple things. One is that my appearance is nowhere near the level of professionalism that I think these jobs would require. A lot of my clothes don’t fit so I worry about that. As far as my hair and makeup, I’m not worried about that.

There are also a ton of different things I would be doing and that scares me.

Like I said, I have come to the conclusion that it either has to be on a bus line or within 5 miles so some of these jobs that are so intimidating, I don’t even have to worry about.

I have a neighbor who lives in the same complex, and I have been waiting for him to come outside, because I don’t know where he lives. Like which apartment he’s in. He told me about a company that’s very nearby and this would be an interim job, it would not be a permanent solution for me, but it would get me working and I’d be working from home. He told me about it sometime ago, but I really need to talk to him about it and ask him for his last name so I can say so-and-so told me about this when I call them. It’s literally a five minute drive from here. I couldn’t walk, like for an interview or if I had to go in, I would have to take an Uber, but like I said, I’d be working from home for the main part of my schedule.

If I don’t see him tomorrow, I’m going to go to the office because he is the uncle of one of the girls who works there and she’ll tell me where to find him. He’s just usually out and about you know?

So I think I will apply for the job that’s downtown Minneapolis and then I’ll shift my focus to some other things for the day.

Ok, I have NOT done the application yet but I cleaned the kitchen, I folded and put away my clean clothes. 

I am now watching an episode of Project Runway Allstars.

I would like to give myself a shower, take out the garbage and apply for that job but we shall see.

My friend Tracy messaged me as did my friend Karen and both held support and love for me. So more to be grateful for…and I am.

Well. I gave myself a facial, took out 4 bags of garbage, showered again, did my evening hair care and skincare.

I also dumped the dirty kitty litter, scrubbed the boxes and put fresh litter in.

I’m sitting now. I’m going to make a list for tomorrow and read until my daughter gets home.

It was important for me today to stay busy and to try and do a little bit of everything that I felt to stressed to do while I was at this prior job and just felt to tired to do.

This is an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and to make my time count while I have a bit more of it.

I feel like today was a great start.

I do know that getting all these things done is fabulous, but I must keep in mind that the biggest priority is getting a job.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. I do believe I’ll be hitting 20,000 hits on this blog this month,

Thank you!!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Right Now

So I went back to sleep. And I didn’t set my alarm and I told myself that if I when I woke up would determine my decision.

And I woke up at 8AM.

So there you have it.

Because of my history and the shame that comes with it, I struggle deeply with these kinds of things because in the past, I have been impulsive, I have been irresponsible and I have had a complete and utter lack of gratitude for the help I’ve received.

First, above all else, I am grateful. I grateful to the point it makes me overwhelmed. Love, feeling like I don’t deserve that love and yet, still accepting it and not questioning it.

Second, I had to say yes to myself this time. I had to put my past aside and I had to put myself first and ask myself what I’m capable of and what I’m not and being told day after day after day how wrong you are…having someone question you constantly on your life and pass judgement on it and give you unsolicited advice that doesn’t take into account your situation…I couldn’t do it anymore. This was not life or death but it was succeed or fail because when you are beat up constantly and you take it and you are not allowed to respond and so you swallow it because this person has power over you…you know, she was my money essentially, you get drained.

You get drained and you get exhausted and you get depressed and you become hopeless.

And I have tried. I tried so hard. And I bit my tongue constantly because you all know that Denise Motherfucking Johnson is feisty, so there were responses, most of them being, “ For the love of God, will you please just shut up. Just, for 2 seconds…shut the fuck up. Will you find someone else to pick on.”

But I didn’t say those things.

I’m glad I didn’t. If I would’ve lost it, now that would’ve been old behavior. Once I let the monster out, the monster has a way of taking over and it wouldn’t have been good.

Then I would’ve been to blame.

Then I would’ve owned a piece of this and I would’ve hurt myself in the process.

Deeply. I would’ve hurt myself deeply.

I got out of there with my dignity intact.

I got to keep my dignity even though she treated me like I had none.

The past is the past and going forward, I need to focus on who Denise is. On who I’d like her to be. I may have one day on this planet or I may have 30 years.

But each day, I need to work towards who Denise is. I’m looking forward to getting to know her.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Eggshells & Anxiety

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour now; going to the bathroom with dry heaves, diarrhea and shaking.

It’s anxiety.

This job.

The thought of having to go in and having her at me all day trying to find out about my car and giving me advice that I don’t ask for and that is completely unrealistic. 

And bitching at me for any little thing.

I have wavered in this job; at times liking it and liking her but these last two weeks, I just can’t even explain.

I’ve never worked with anyone so un-self-aware. She is so mean. 

And I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long and didn’t even realize it.

Not until the last couple weeks.

I’m tortured right now because of past decisions and actions and knowing all the things that make me me. I’m trying to say that I’ve written about being poo pooed by people for my big emotions and written off and not taking me seriously but now I’m doing it to myself.

This is awful.

Do I spend 80.00 dollars today to make $61?

Please explain that math to me. I’m losing money. I’m not making it.

This doesn’t make any sense.

Does it?

Does it make sense to spend $80.00 dollars to make $61 when I’m also agreeing to her treatment of me?

I can’t escape her there. We work in the same space. So I’m spending $80 to make $61 and to get treated like shit for it as well?

I’m going to try and get back to sleep. It’s 4AM now.

I don’t know what to do?

Neecie