Chemical MakeUp

Hello Everyone,

Ok, well, I am pushing through a major depression. I woke up at 3 and it had hit. I just started sobbing. I was able to get back to sleep thank goodness.

So I guess this is just me. Nothing has changed to have brought this on. All is well. So after all the blogs about it's this or that, I guess it's just how my chemical makeup is.

It's just me.

I don't know that there is anything magical I can do. 

I had a very good day yesterday. It wasn't over the top good, just very good. I did get very emotional for some reason at dinner. My friend Tracy invited me over and she had a little gift for me and she made us BLTs but I was overcome with "me" and my feelings.

I just felt so much gratitude for having her and her husband in my life and sitting there with them and thinking, "here is someone who loves me unconditionally and she shared something with me, made herself vulnerable and I was so awed by that. 

So you know, I'm a big feeling girl. And I guess I had big feelings and I always crash when I have them. I wish I didn't. Feeling love or happiness or whatever, can throw my shit right off.

There were things at work too and nothing bad, I didn't do anything wrong, things that I have no control over, the emotions of others and I'm trying to stay grounded about it, trying to not take it on as my own because it isn't mine. It's not about me, it's not towards me...it's what someone else goes through but I think the problem lies in that it sortof reminds me of myself and I see how it affects others and I can't help but think about...wow, I was like this too and I see first hand how it affects the people she loves and who love her back and...I'm not in a place of judgement anymore, I can't be. But it brings up a lot for me because I affected people too and now I get to see it and I suppose, no I think I know, that's why I landed here, in this job. I think it's...I've been getting so much better and really trying to be mindful and it's now my time to understand all this and see the bigger picture.

It's not to wallow in guilt in shame but to be able to navigate something with grace and dignity and above all else, to give grace and dignity for someone who hasn't traversed what I have, and who has no clue why she is the way she is, or that her actions are hurting those she loves.

God, I gotta be so very careful about what I write. I don't mean anything bad, I just see so much of me, even how I was 10 years ago and I need to stay objective and just...send love out, be loving, be understanding.

So just some very big feelings yesterday. I am not used to navigating these yet. That much is clear. I see them now, these big feelings, I recognize them for what they are but I also...I clearly need to do more work in order to not let them get the best of me. 

So I think work, coupled with this incredible feeling of love and acceptance that I experienced last night, it threw me off chemically and here I am this morning.

I am grateful for all of life's lessons.

And at first, the feelings this morning were crushing me and I've come far enough that I know I will make it in to work and tomorrow, I go in super early and I get off at noon and I don't have to go back until Monday and who knows what the Gods have in store for me this weekend but I can hope and choose to believe that it will be good. Maybe tiny good, maybe big good, but good.

I try to stay very positive on my YouTube shorts and I'm not sure if I'll post one this morning. I don't want to be all fake and act like everything is always good, but I know I'll cry and I don't know if I should be doing that for the world to see.

My YouTube used to be nothing but bitching and/or tears.

I gotta go get ready darlings.

I got this. Only one more wake up day.

This will pass, it always does. Just gotta ride it out and not act out if that makes sense. I have this, this doesn't have me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grab, Squeeze, Twist and Pull

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning. Boy, we had really pretty mornings both yesterday and today. And I am so grateful for that. It was partly cloudy yesterday but not that gray, dismal shit. The sun came out on the reg through big, fluffy, beautiful white clouds. 

I love it.

I got through yesterday and when I got home, it wasn't just plopping down on the couch.

I did get some of the things done that I wanted to and some of them were financial things; tonight I have to pay two bills, which...ugh.

Whatever. It's part of my journey right now.

That's all this financial shit is, part of the journey and I'm fully engaged and thank you Universe for the opportunity to grow and change and be grateful for every second of it.

I mean that.

Turns out I really mean that.

Life, I'm told, is like balls. And you gotta grab it by said balls. I was taught, when it comes to balls that one should grab, squeeze, twist and pull.

Don't ask, it's a family joke and will make my sister laugh if she see's it.

I got good sleep, there is just a tiny lingering of the malaise I felt from the sleeping meds. I haven't taken them in two nights and I feel better emotionally.

I think I've got that now. They affect me negatively. Get it in your head Denise. They affect me negatively.

Me no likey.

Friday nights only and then, only if I haven't gotten decent sleep all week. 

Here is the short I posted yesterday and my VisionList Update for the week.

Thanks you guys! I appreciate all the support and continued kindness. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

On The Other Side of Things

 Hi Everyone!

Good morning. This might have lots of spelling errors because much of it will be voice activated. I didn’t have time to blog this morning. I went to bed so late. I was depressed yesterday. It was hard. I really didn’t do too much.

And I stayed up ridiculously late. My daughter pays for Netflix and yesterday was the last day I’d be able to watch all the movies in the Twilight series. I have no idea why I went down that rabbit hole.

So I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep and I have no one to blame but myself.

I got up ok and I showered, now that was much needed. 

I’m at work now and my boss is bitching about all she does and her family, etc. Sometimes she says things and they seem to be passive aggressive towards me but I’m ignoring it.

I hope I have enough work today to just get through this day. Contrary to what one might think, I am not going right to bed this evening.

I have to make a list. It’s all menial stuff. Nothing too crazy.

And I plan to be in bed, lights off by 9. I didn’t take a Hydroxyzine last night and I think that’s why I feel ok this morning. 

I can’t take another day like the one I had yesterday. That stuff is the devil and is for Friday nights only. Just for catch up on my sleep.

I am feeling a touch of anxiety this morning. I’m trying to push through it.

I just want to be on the other side of this day. But going from point A to point Z without doing B-Y is a habit of mine that I’m putting behind me so I will stay engaged as much as possible.

My sister is back from her travels. I haven’t seen her in a month!

So there are good things in today and the opportunities are boundless!!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Do

 

Good Morning,

Oh man, so while I did get enough sleep, I got scared about not sleeping and I took a hydroxyzine. If you watched my video yesterday, you know that I made the connection between depression and this drug. I told myself that two nights in a row would be fine but it's not. 

This morning is bad. It doesn't help that I woke up from a dream that was so awful. And I am tearful and just...having a very hard go of it.

I'm gonna do all my "stuff" this morning but I won't get to go rollerskating. It's OK.

Life is rarely perfect and self-care is the most important thing. Rollerskating is a part of my self-care but the pinch to get ready and out the door? That's too much today and I know it.

So. On that note, I am going to do everything else. Go for a walk, meditate, do the Wim Hof breathing stuff and go from there.

I actually got the apartment done last night. I pushed. I really pushed. I just wanted it done. Got my long form videos for the week shot. I missed bougie bath so I'll be doing that today after my daughter goes to work. 

We had a knock down storm last night. 

Tornado watch and all the good stuff and you could literally see the water blowing across the parking lot and the field beyond.

We were laughing because Pumpkin was just sitting at my window, completely unafraid, watching it all. 

Our other two cats aren't scared...but they aren't interested either. 

Not at all.

I didn't see any damage this morning; no downed trees, etc.

We still have power.

So, it's all good.

I posted this video yesterday, well last night to be exact. I am going to post the next one this afternoon and then I'll wait until Wednesday or so to post the last one for this week.

It felt good to get those taped. But you know, beware the hair, it's a funky one for sure. Funky Do.

Alright, so my plan is to push through today, to find gratitude in it and to get something, anything, done.

And we will just go from there.

Everyday, in Every way, my Life Gets Better and Better.

Help me see this today, dear Universe.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Dreams

 

Good Morning!

Okie, well as planned, I took the hydroxyzine last night. Yes, it helped.

But it's definitely what causes the depression. I was ready for it though. And I'm grateful for a night of good, balanced sleep. So...going forward, Friday nights it is. Just to play a bit of catch up.

I had one funky dream too. I don't remember much of it.

But of course, I looked it up.

It fits into the whole "becoming" theme.

It showed me where I need to be focusing too. Not as far as all the "stuff" I want to be doing but some internal stuff...some growth that needs to happen.

I feel like the last month has been nothing but growth. It seems like there's been so much of that...period. You open yourself up to it and it comes...it comes.

And the one thing I can tell you with great certainty is that you don't get to pick how it comes, you don't get to control your lessons, they decide themselves what they will look like and when they will come.

Ok, well, I stayed busy last night, both my daughter and I and even though I didn't get all I wanted to get done, done, it was good and I was in bed and asleep pretty much when I planned to be and not a lot of wakefulness.

Thank you, thank you for that.

I'm not writing out my plans for the day anymore. It's just plans. It's things I hope to accomplish.

There is always, always, something to do.

So I guess with that...onwards.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

We are supposed to have some snippets of sunshine today. Grab that stuff, friends. Grab it and enjoy it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just So Darn Nice!!

Hello, Hello,

I am so happy. When I got home from work last night, I checked my YouTube Channel and I had 3 new subscribers.

This is nuts but in the best way possible and here again, I'm humble AF about it. I know some people get hundreds a day sometimes but for me, this has simply never happened. 18 newbies in one month.

It's just...it's so nice. And it's thoughtful and kind and yeah...humbled for sure.

Anyways, sleep evaded me last night but what's weird is that what I did get was largely REM and Deep so while I'm tired, I'm OK.

I don't want to sleep in tomorrow morning, I have a LOT to do tomorrow so I just want to get a good night's sleep. I've gone two or three nights without the hydroxyzine so I may take one tonight just to ensure it all gets taken care of...sleepwise.

Rent is due technically in 8 days but they give us a grace period so...8 days.

I got this.

I'm going to use my PTO for Wednesday, because of the car, and I'm going to work on Thursday. My boss said I can come in as early as I want to. She's usually there by 6, so that's what I'm gonna go for and I'll work until noon and this way, I'll only come out short about 2 hours through this whole debacle. 

I am focusing on gratitude for that as opposed to lamenting the fact that I wanted a 4 day weekend. It simply is what it is.

And because money is so tight right now, well, this just makes sense.

I did manage to find out that the insurance they carry for us has a $5K deductible and I still have no idea how much it actually costs per month.

I need to get in...soon.

I need to win the lottery, lol...soon.

Anyways, I'm good today. I've had some tough lessons the past few weeks but I think I'm learning and that's the deal right? Learn this shit.

So I posted two shorts yesterday. One of them got 9 views and one of them got over 700. You just never know.

Here they are:

I look like such a dorkus.

But it's fun and people are nice like I said.

I really like doing the affirmations and I've got weeks of them left so that's good but I'll have to come up with something to do afterwards.

I want to do something that might help others but will help me too. Keep learning.

I better get going. TGIF.

I hope you guys have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ghengis

 

Good Morning,

I woke up at 2:20 or so and was up so I got up for about 15 minutes and then I laid back down and just kept deep breathing and focusing on my breath and thank God, I went back to sleep.

You know what? Day 2 with only my pink drink. No hydroxyzine and no edibles and I'm feeling better already. 

Maybe not as much sleep but mentally, better. Not groggy, not overly tired, not sad and depressed.

So I guess the hydroxyzine is out unless I go for two nights in a row with bad sleep, then I'll take it, just to get caught back up.

You guys, allow me not a moment of arrogance or the wrong kind of pride but a moment of patting myself on the back.

I got through the car thing on my own. At my age, you may be thinking well duh! But this is not me, not the me I used to be anyways.

Now, I had to dig into rent to do it but we'll figure that out too.

I know we will. In fact, let me write this quick then I gotta go cuz my car is fixed and I can get my ass to work today!!!! 

I have had a dream for a long, long time. You all know that dream.

Maybe this is where I start and it looks nothing like I want it to but maybe I make a fuck ton of bath bombs and whatever products I am able to otherwise and maybe that's where this starts. Because I'm open and that shit just came to me.

I had a dream that I was walking and there was this map and it was marking in red the route I took as I took it and red is the color of vitality and love and passion.

Maybe the route I've been trying to take all these years wasn't marked in red, maybe this is me being up to being led, open to whatever this can look like instead of having my OCD/ritualistic it has to be this way or no way.

I'm crying now because I think I'm right.

Anyways, I'm gonna go for it this weekend. 

I hope you guys have an amazing day. We all deserve that so much.

I had something really happy to me last night but I think I'll hold that one in my heart.

Alright, well, I'm out of here. Today is my day to go forth and conquer.

I've been watching a documentary on Genghis Kahn, I find Asian history so amazing but it also sortof inspires me.

Man is both shitty and wonderful, beautiful and horrifically ugly all at once.

Have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie