Grubbin

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning!

Wow, another one for the books. This marks 3 consecutive days in a row where I've been knocking it out. What's different? A few things. One is that I take it slow and steady, I don't rush. I take breaks if I need them. I don't let myself think about anything long enough to talk myself out of it. Like, this week I know that I am getting my hair done on Saturday and having a girl's night with my beautiful sister and my beautiful daughters. I know that on Sunday, I'm going to just cook and bake and chill.

So...yeah, I'm all good. Rest is coming. Speaking of rest, not so good last night but I have decided to push through that shit too. I know for a fact that all the stuff I was taking affected me in terms of my heartrate. I'm still not down to where I was but I went down a beat last night again so I'm getting closer. I'll be happy anywhere from 45 to 49.

I've been meditating every morning. Consistency is key, especially now because those tears I talked about yesterday? Yeah, I'll just break down a few times a day and I already have once this morning. It's not sobbing, it's just sorrow and a few tears and then I rally and go on. I honest to god have no idea why this is happening. I'm learning to roll with it and move on.

Yesterday I had planned to work on my file cabinet and my supply bins. Didn't happen. I went over to my roomie's first, to grab my files and he was there. I had planned on cleaning too. At this point, I know that it's not about him, it's about me. I just don't like doing things with people watching me.

So I packed up tons of non-perishables that I had there still and I chatted with him a bit and then I came home, brought it all up. That's something I've been forcing myself to do too, is bring stuff up right away. I don't know when I became such a lazy ass but man...I know that doing this stuff will become the norm but right now, forcing myself to do it feels like walking with a harness on that is pulling a 2000 lb cart through the mud.

Honestly.

Lazy.Mother.Fucker.

But long story short, because I didn't have the files here to work on, I switched modes and reorganized the pantry and some of the big cabinet. There's more to do but we're good for now. My roommate is at work so I'll be starting the activity for the day over there.

I got a lot done yesterday and I made an excellent soup. It was supposed to be stew but I didn't have any cornstarch to thicken it and flour didn't work so whatevah.

It was grubbin!!!!

How am I today? I am working through some fear. Fear about money but for now, I'm good. Today, I'm good. I have this weird sadness thing going on and I let the tears come but then I also only allow them for a few minutes and I get moving. For the most part, I'm staying off of social media. I don't need all that bullshit taking up extra space in my head. And I'm doing some good things this week, I feel accomplished and there is comfort in that. I'm allowing myself to feel that, to feel good about that.

I'm grateful I can do these things. At my age, things start to shift. I have friends who can't do the things I do and so I am grateful.

Alright, well, I hope there's good things to tell you tomorrow. We shall see, we shall see.

It's snowing!!! Oh my Blessed Goddess, it is snowing. Beautiful.

Have a great day loves. Have an amazing day. Or just have a day, a day that is easy on your soul.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Chatter

 

Good Morning,

One of the many nice things about not working is that I can give myself a bit of grace if I don't follow my schedule exactly, like I can change things up if that feels better.

That feels better this morning, changing it up a bit. I got in 6 hours but it took me 9 in bed to do that. It's nuts, ya know?

Whatever, we all know I don't sleep that well. I will just say that again, I did not take anything. I feel so much better in the mornings and according to my fitbit, I get more of the stuff I need, which is REM and Deep sleep. Man, am I having dreams. The thing is, I don't remember many of them. I don't know if I would want to. Mine have always been a bit on the dark side.

My resting heart rate has started going down again, which makes me happy as well. My resting heart rate is usually in the mid to upper 40s and it's gotten as high as 60, which is normal for most people, but not for me.

Anyways, there were things I didn't get done yesterday but there was much I did get done. And I realized, it's good to have a variety because it keeps me going but for some of my "projects", it's gonna have to be the full focus, so it's that today. It's two for one because they go hand in hand and I'll write about that tomorrow when I tell you how I did.

I got through yesterday by taking it steady but slow and not allowing the "chatter" in my head that tells me I'm tired, that it's OK to stop." Like, I literally shot that shit down everytime it came in. It's trying to come in now. I've been a bit tearful this morning.

Yesterday, I wrote about what I did in the morning, you know the gym, my roommate's place and all that. I got everything up and most of it put away, I applied for a couple jobs, I took my daughter shopping so yeah...it was good. It was productive.

I did listen to my body though. I was exhausted by the time I ate dinner. So then I did stop and I took a shower and all that and just took it easy. It's very difficult for me to take it easy without wanting to pig out on something, or smoke like a chimney but I managed it.

I have to believe that each day I push myself on a consistent basis, that it will become easier and easier to do.

The workout at the gym felt great while I was doing it but I'm a bit sore today.

I walk with fear knocking at the door to my brain; fear about so many things and I'm blocking it out, I'm not answering that door but it just makes me realize how fear based in my thinking I am, and it also makes me wonder how long it's been like this.

Letting go of fear for me is like flexing a muscle or lifting a weight. It's hard at first and it actually seems like more comes at me but that's only because I'm aware of it now. You get stronger each time you say, "I see you fear. I see you and I acknowledge your presence but you can't come in. Fuck you."

Yeah, fuck you.

So anyways, there are about 4 things I'm going to work on today, the main two being the projects I told you about and we will just see how they go.

I hope you all have an amazing day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Disintegration

 

Good Morning,

If we were on the East Coast, I couldn't say that but we are not, so good morning.

It's been a productive one already. 

I got up, did my skincare and haircare routine, fed the cats, meditated, made my coffee, made my bed, made my protein shake, went to the gym, did the treadmill and the circuit thingee, sat in the massage chair, went to my roommate's and grabbed what would fit in the car but left the front seat because then I went to Walmart, packed that stuff up, came home, got everything either in the dumpster or up to my place, made my breakfast and now I'm blogging.

The key to all of this is to just take my time, take deep breaths, tell myself, "you got this girl." And, you know, I did. 

There is more, there is always more and we'll see how I maintain as I go through the day. I have so much to do...including job search.

One of the things on my list has to come off because it involves the file cabinet and I wasn't able to get my files over here. Too heavy and wouldn't fit in the car. That's A-OK because like I said, there is plenty on my list.

One of things I've decided is that pretty much all my intentional exercise is going to take place Monday through Friday. I need a break. 

Weekends won't be a total freeby, just no intentional exercise and I want to have more time to dedicate to product making, working on Willow's Whimsy business stuff, grocery shopping and cooking and spending time with friends.

I'm trying to stay off of the phone though. To me, it's such a waste of time when I could be doing other things. Beast is in Washington and my Auntie Weezah is in Florida so those are the only two exceptions. Anyone here, yes, I'll have short conversations but I'd rather meet face to face.

The phone can be a huge trigger for me, especially when I have a lot to do. 

I am excited for this weekend because my sister and both my daughters will be here. We are going to have a girl's night/sleepover.

I am hoping we won't order food, I can't afford it. So I am going to make a couple desserts, and just a ton of finger food stuff; and I hope they like it.

The going out to eat thing for me is nice but I just can't afford it right now. I like cooking for these kinds of things ya know?

Alright. Let's see. What else do I have for you?

Mental health wise, I'm OK today. I've had a few moments of the weepies. My son's precious kitty passed yesterday and I loved her, she lived with me for a brief time when my son first got her. We bonded one time when I doing shrooms, it was hysterical. She was sweet, sassy, a boss bitch all the way and funny when she felt like it. I'm sad. I'm sad for my son and his girlfriend too, these things are fucking hell to go through. 

And you know, my Queen, my baby girl Grey, she's 15 and a half and it just makes me nervous. Things can change so quickly.

Everytime I think about losing her, I disintegrate into tears.

But other than that, I would say on a scale of 0 - 10, my anxiety is at a 3. It's manageable.

I slept over 7 hours last night so you know I'm happy as a MF about that. I haven't had an edible in a week and I haven't taken anything the last 3 nights. Last night was the best of those 3 but I came in at just over 6 the night before last night and I think 5 something the first night. I'll take it.

I do not drink coffee after 12PM. In fact, I usually have just the one cup now, in the morning. I've been pretty active but also very good about slowing down a couple hours before I actually lay my head down.

I've been dreaming a lot but for the most part, not remembering the dreams. I know had one and momma was in it but I can't tell you what she said or did. It was good to see her.

Oh dear, tears again. I can't even think of her without it happening. I suppose maybe someday?

Alright, well this has been a nice little break.

I'm off to do more, to keep plugging away.

Have a great day loves.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Armchair Warriors

 

Hi Everyone,

Bla. That's how I'm rollin' today. Bla.

With me, an awesome kickass day is usually followed by a bla day. The good news is...the apartment is clean!

So a bit of bla can be allowed.

I will say that while I intend to pretty much bla it out today, I will do so from the perspective that I will be mostly at home. 

I do have to pick up groceries (I order them and then pickup) so I'll go out for that. I have to drop my kiddo off at work and pick her up later and I intend to go rollerskating.

But other than that, I need to come up with a plan for the week that includes a good mix of:

• Job Search
• Applying for the delivery job so I have something coming in
• Preparing for my Willow's Whimsy Show
• Finishing up at my roommate's place
• The beginning of the "projects", of which there are many.
• Exercise

You know, I sometimes allow myself to consider the fact that maybe I am slightly bi-polar. Like, a quick cycling bi-polar with most emphasis on depression as opposed to mania. For me, I know what mania would look like so I can be prepared, if it were to turn out that I am slightly bi-polar.

Mania for me is like a drug induced joy.

It's rare these days but that used to always lead to using for me. I no longer am worried about that because when I feel that weirdness coming on, I do a lot to ground myself, I meditate, I go stand outside barefoot, feet planted firmly on the earth, I take a bath because water calms me and then I just lay low. I know not to make decisions when I'm feeling this and I know I just need to stay close to home and to my people.

I write all that because yesterday, while not "high" joyful, I was feeling very positive, very hopeful, very motivated and today...pfffft goes the weasel.

But I do intend to stay busy, just more of a sedentary, relaxed busy if that makes sense.

Yeah, so I got the apartment cleaned yesterday, I went and helped a friend out and talked with her for a bit, then grabbed something to eat and talked to my bestie for hours. I gotta tell you about that phone call. And the phone call with my mom this morning. We are all on the same page about politics and the state of the world, which is that...simply...it is what it is and I am no longer giving that shit any energy. No hate, no fear, no anger. Imma do Denise. I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna work on being the best person I can be, I'm going to slow down and take note of nature, I'm going to love on my animals and if I feel so inclined, I'll fucking do something like sign petitions, donate a bit of money, write my congressman, take part in protests. These armchair warriors are sucking the life out of people so a biggy for me is to stay the hell off of social media too.

The beauty of facebook is that you don't have to actually delete anyone, you can unfollow the fuck out of them and never have to see their shit.

So, we talked about being OK, we talked about self-care, we really didn't go on any rants. I am so sick of the ranters...on both sides and they don't do shit.

Put your money where your mouth is and stop fucking bitching.

Live a life. Trust me, it's worth it, to be engaged in living...without fear, anger, hate, blame, resentment and judgement. 

Understand that when I write a statement like the one above, that I am not a pro at that. It's what I'm striving for, it's what I need to survive this bullshit. It's all bullshit, we have become conditioned little armchair soldiers, most of us.

No more conditioning. I want to be wildly free and live my life. Joy cannot enter where fear reigns. Or anger or any of the other things I mentioned and you know what? I just want some fucking joy.

So yes, I feel like she and I held each other up yesterday, and we were present with each other and we laughed so hard and we talked about life and what we want it to look like and be like and how we want to live and what we want to feel and I felt so good when I got off the phone with her after 3 hours, not depleted and exhausted.

I love you all and I care about you all and I hope that you can strive for what I'm striving for, which is a good heart, peace of mind, help to others, creativity, enjoying life and spending it with friends and family, cooking, pursuing your interests...constantly striving to expand your heart and your knowledge and your spirit.

There you have it. Neecie's words of wisdom. Now go forward and kick some ass.

Be Blessed.

Always. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

• Neecie

Mentality of a Zombie

 

Good Morning!

Oh man, it's so hot in our apartment. I got 5 hours of sleep the last two nights and most of those two nights were spent awake.

Ruminating in the dark is so not the way to go.

I've been without my edibles and I chose that. I'm concerned about drug tests while I look for work. My understanding is that the type of jobs I'd be applying for, they can't test you for THC. Or if they can, they can't hold it against you.

I've tried so many things and it's slowly been getting worse. Except for the occasional anomoly where I log in 7 to 8 hours, my nights are torture.

In spite of that, I have managed to get the apartment together but of course, there is more to do. And I haven't cleaned my roommate's place.

I have zero energy. I literally have one small load left and everything will be out of there. I also got everything that we have over here put away yesterday.

I want to be grateful but we are so crammed in here. I am grateful. I just wanted more open space. When you are crammed in, that leads to messes piling up quickly.

But I did hit it so hard yesterday and it paid off. There is just a bit more to do today so I think I am going to work on cleaning the place again, stocking up on cat food, groceries, toilet paper, that kind of stuff. 

I feel bad putting my roommate off, but I can't do the cleaning while he's there, I just can't. Maybe. We'll see. It would feel good to have it done. Maybe today, I can at least go grab the rest of what's there. I'm sure he noticed I was there yesterday because I got literally everything out of the kitchen, most of the stuff out of my old room.

If I do it, I have to do it soon. 

Then, if I just focus on getting my place cleaned today, I can put it in for next week to clean his place. Done.

Look, I'm not going to lie; it's hard to have a sunny disposition. I'm just so freaking tired. I am well aware of my circumstances right now but I have no motivation. This move, this election and the aftermath, has me thinking and feeling things I long thought I'd let go of. It's so hard not to get mired in fear, worry, doubt, anger.

I'm working on staying the hell off my phone. Too much vitriol on both sides.

I'm working on staying present in each moment and making sure each moment is not about all this shit. You guys, people are inboxing me saying, "aren't you angry?" 

You have to understand that as an addict and as a person with a pretty intense mental health diagnosis, I have to be very careful about how far I allow my emotions to go, cuz those fuckers will take the hell over. And I can't. I just simply can't.

I have no desire to put that shit in my body again, no desire to sit there completely numbed out and thinking about nothing but the next bump.

No.

If nothing else has changed, that has. I flinch from the thought as I would if I put my hand on a hot burner.

No.

I think that it may behoove me to act like a zombie today, just exist and go from one thing to the next with no feeling behind it...until I can bring myself to feel better.

I can talk myself out of anything and so maybe, I should just do. Just do.

I need to figure out the sleep thing too. Taking magnesium really helps me but the stuff that you drink, that CALM stuff? It tastes horrid.

I also don't like taking the hydroxyzine because it's not meant to be taken long term even though doctors will prescribe it on an ongoing basis.

So.

I hope that all of you are weathering what I call the fallout or the aftermath of the election. I mean if you are one side, you are full of hate, blame, anger and fear and if you're on the other, you are being name called, receiving hate and having friends turn on you.

It's ugly.

Anyways, here's to you. I hope you can find some peace in all this today. I hope you can find some joy. It's sunny and beautiful here so I intend to go for a walk. I hope you can do the same.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Far From Perfect

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Lord, I am not hitting it on the posting of the blog this month. You would think I would, given I'm not working but damn...depression follows you no matter what you do.

I am handling the aftermath of the election well. 

And it's sad to me that I'm sortof worried about what I write, you know, could it be held against me at some point?

You know, regardless of my views or my stand on things or what have you? 

I will not let myself go down the rabbit hold of what if's. I will let things unfold as they will but I think it's time for people (all people) to step down off of their soap boxes and get moving, if nothing else to prepare.

I'm not trying to be dramatic and I won't go into what I mean by prepare. It's not apocalyptic or anything like that.

I want to be OK and I think by putting certain possibilities into place, I think maybe I won't feel so helpless and if I can get some of my power back, then that's a good thing, right?

I have seen people I know and love go down the path of righteousness and bitterness. I've seen them start hiding, knowing they aren't doing anything to make change other than post facebook rants.

I can't. I can't be that. 

I am far from perfect. In fact, I am still really struggling with my "meisms" that I wrote about the other day. I really, really am.

ADHD stuff, laziness, procrastination, depression, some fear and anxiety.

It's freezing me up.

So, what to do? What to do that's different than how I usually do stuff, my usual response? 

I guess all of this to say I am so sick of the meisms.

I'm literally sick of myself. That's when it's time to change. 

I'm tired. Can I stop having to change anytime soon? 

Allow me a moment to say, "is a little self-pity" ok to indulge in now and then? I suppose it is, but it certainly doesn't serve a positive purpose.

I went out to eat with a friend for breakfast yesterday. It was so good to talk to someone whose not losing their shit, who is doing some of the "preparing" I talked about and who is trying to look at the big picture as opposed to things like the cost of eggs.

Eggs factor in but there is so much more to this, it goes so much deeper than the cost of eggs, on both sides. 

I needed someone who isn't hysterical and who is of sound mind and staying calm in the center of the storm.

Someone willing to stop bitching and actually take some steps.

I will write more about that as we go. Feeling empowered is a huge step in not getting lost in the world and it's going ons right now.

OK, I will be back and maybe have accomplished some things.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Blurry Around the Edges

 

Good Morning,

Things have been status quo, blurry around the edges and partly good for me of late.

I'm sorry I haven't written, there's really no excuse. I've had the time to do so.

But I've also let myself sortof get caught up in the aftermath of the election. 

I can't do that. 

I can't give into anger, fear, hate, blame.

Acceptance is a bitch but it will set you free. Just like the truth. The problem with truth at it's base nature, is that one person's truth, is not another's. You can't convince anyone of anything.

And so...acceptance. I don't know why the truth of some is different from mine. I have no idea what's in their hearts or what motivates them. I don't know why some people are deeply religious and others struggle (or not) to believe anything.

I mean, it is what it is.

Anger especially, for me, is a recipe for disaster if I stay in it for too long.

Therefore, I plan only to post this blog on my Willow's Whimsy page and a picture of the beautiful basket I've made for the auction I was asked to donate to.

I think that starting out, you know, it's a good thing to do so from the aspect of giving.

I have difficulty keeping commitments so I'm very cautious about them now. And I struggled with this one, not because I don't want to do it but because I'm lazy.

Lazy for me is such a piece of the whole self sabotage thing. 

It's very easy to say yes to someone, I like saying yes, it makes me feel good about myself but that follow through; you have to push. Because then, not only do you feel good about saying yes, but you feel good about actually doing what you said you would.

Today, yes, there is a list. Tonight, I will blog again because my intention is to start blogging in the evenings but tonight is when I'll share how the list went, what I accomplished.

It's my intention to fill my days with many things as opposed to only working on one thing. If I do that, I'll go nuts, I'll crash and I won't do shit.

But I will share my day with you at that time. 

Intentions are great but with no followup, man...they suck.

I'm done beating myself up. I'm one person.

I'm OK.

So, on with my day. I hope yours is productive. Put some effort into something for self-care, even if it's just taking 10 deep breaths. 

It all counts, it all matters.

I'm in.

I align myself with the flow. It's easy, once you quiet yourself enough, to know when you are no longer aligned.

Have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie