Coffee and Toilet Paper

Hey All,

Struggling today. Man, this roller coaster though. 

Yesterday, I managed to apply for jobs. I managed not to cry or feel sorry for myself, not to drown in the fear part of this but instead to breath through it.

If by some miracle, I make it to the other side of this…I will never forget the lesson. Never again.

Last week, a family member gave me $50 for food and yesterday, another family member ordered groceries for us.

My former roommate is keeping us in coffee and toilet paper. I just need a few extra things, no more than $20 worth, which I’ll charge. I am extremely grateful.

Each thing counts. Each thing matters. 

Thank you.

I’m going to put out a number here. I’m not asking for this, not from anyone. I have no expectations. It’s an experiment.

Let’s say I don’t find a job and end up having to go back to the job I just got laid off from…I need 6 grand to make my budget. 6K $6,000, Six Thousand. 

Living in fear week to week and sometimes day to day, it’s going to literally be the end of me so I’m trying to manifest this shit. So I can finally just relax and maybe actually be able to focus on what NEEDS to get done.

I know no one I know can do this for me. I’m not asking for that. I’m putting it out to the Universe.

Thank you Universe for six thousand dollars I need to make it til the end of this layoff if I don’t find anything else first.

I’m grateful for getting what I need to survive the next 3 months.

Thank you Universe.

Ok, now that we have that behind us, I am going to finally start my day.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

I Lied

Lol!! Boy, I can’t stick to anything.

My post yesterday was just out of despondency. As the day went on, I did manage to pull myself somewhat out of the lethargy that I’ve been in. I did apply for a job and it is what it is.

It’s not that I’m turning my back on Hope, but you cannot put all your eggs in one basket. I do that shit all the time and if I’m gonna grow and change through this in a way that leads me to living a life of freedom from credit and debt, I have to push through these things and I have to set different priorities and I have to stick to them.

Consistency really is everything.

So I’m going back to the purge and laziness and all the yucko stuffo and getting rid of all of it.

There are two things that I really need to purge. The goddamn cigarettes and coffee and I count them as one thing because they go together like yin and yang. But also staying the fuck off social media. I’m not talking about my YouTube channel and I’m not talking about this blog. I’m talking about the fact that I watch all these near death experience videos and I will watch one after the other after the other after the other. I critique them and think they’re full of shit or on the totally opposite side, I want to go there now. Jesus Christ, I am fucking bat shit crazy.

At least, it’s in a good way these days. I mean, not with the job stuff or the debt stuff, that all has to change, but the things I do to create avoidance in my life, which only makes things worse, let’s face it.

I am going to spend some time on my computer today, really giving energy to the things I can do to offset the extreme anxiety. I feel when I quit smoking. I am not going to get through it without some and I know that, but I look back and I haven’t been drunk and I haven’t done my drug of choice in over 2 1/2 years. How did that happen? I think part of it was the therapy I got, and the diagnosis that I got that led to the therapy. But I need more therapy and that requires a job with insurance. I do not want talk therapy, I want to go through with the DBT therapy again And also I’m thinking probably some EDMR. Is that what it’s called?

Talking about my trauma, I’ve done that my whole life. It triggers the hell out of me and it actually ends up keeping me sick. I just want it gone. One good thing I have been doing is watching this one YouTube channel by this psychiatrist and she breaks down all the different diagnosis' and how they can affect you and what can help. She literally goes into the responses your body has physically and emotionally, and it really helps me because it makes me realize that some of this is not craziness, it’s behaviors that maybe they came out of trauma or they came out of my addiction or whatever and they became habit and it's as simple as developing skills to cope with them.

Because honestly, there are some things I don’t think I will ever get over. There’s a deep hurt in me. I posted a picture of me on Santa‘s lap on Facebook and if you look at my eyes in the picture, I look so sad and I’m just this tiny little girl who was carrying all these feelings. How I wish I could go back and hold her tight and love her and tell her that everything would be OK.

Anyways, my priorities today are self-care in the form of staying off of social media, coming up with some coping skills for the anxiety around quitting smoking, and job search.

Anything else I manage to do, will be positive and good and serve the higher purpose, meaning getting me well.

I am very grateful for friends and family who are holding me up with love right now.

All right, you all have yourselves a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Shutting’er Down

Good Morning,

I’ve been up all night, in and out of sleep.

I think it’s time to start shutting things down. 

I’ve had a good run with the blogging. I hit to see myself evolve out of the anger into something I felt was…better.

My hope was always that I’d be able to change the things about myself that kept me back and then be able to share that so others who suffer from similar things, might not feel so alone. I’ve been able to change some things but others..,it’s just been to hard.

But like I said, it’s been a good run and for all of you who read, and who texted and messaged me over the years, that has been beautiful and something I’ve been so grateful for.

I’m just blogging to blog at this point. 

I’m just really, really tired too.

So I think this has served whatever purpose it needed to.

Thank you again for being a part of my journey. Thank you for supporting this.

I love you all very much,

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Day I Can Look Back

Good morning,

I hope this post finds all of you well. We’re in a deep freeze here in Minnesota. I’m fine with it.

There’s something about winter that just is so comforting to me. Being able to wear warm snuggly clothes and cuddle up on the couch, I just love that.

I had a very productive day yesterday, but of course it’s never enough for me because myself evaluation is always so critical.

My daughter wanted to have a birthday party and that’s something that is so weird to me because of course I celebrate my birthday, but I guess it’s a generational thing; like we always had a family gathering for birthdays but as an adult, it wasn’t a big thing each year. At any rate, she didn’t have the money to get a hotel room and she had thought about going bowling, but she didn’t think people would want to do that and so I said OK, like, you can do it here, but I want people gone by 1 AM. We are going to clean this apartment today and it needs to be clean when everybody leaves.

I want my daughter to have good things in her life and we are struggling and she was grateful and she did say thank you more than once even. I sometimes feel so frustrated by life because life just happens. Sometimes it happens in a way that changes my plans for the day and I have some really big fish to fry.

And you know, I am not one to use mental health as an excuse, I just, I can’t do it and I despise when I see others do it. But it does make things difficult for me and yes, today I woke up to a clean home, which was wonderful, my cats were all with me on the bed and I was able to cuddle them and love them up, but now I am caught in this whirlwind of thoughts; the rent got paid, but I have no food and I need kitty litter and I need this and I need that and bills have to still be paid and what the fuck am I gonna do And you know, the only thing productive as far as what’s going on right now is to try and sell some of my products and to look for a fucking job. 

These are simple things, but in my mind, it’s like they’re huge and they’re cumbersome.

I ran out of smokes yesterday and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without one, but I woke up this morning and the panic just sat in.

I have got to put the cigarettes behind me. And the thing is, yeah, I bought a pack of cigarettes. You would think with the guilt and shame I am feeling over this that I went out and killed 50 innocent people for no reason, other than that I wanted to. No, I bought cigarettes. I’m not trying to justify buying cigarettes here, I have to quit for all the reasons. But my God, the self talk and the shame, it’s debilitating.

The answer here too is very simple; quit that. Just fucking quit that. Those stupid ass thoughts.

I am such a baby, I really am. I am finally coming to terms with that.

Everything I have to do requires me to push myself, and I have always been someone who just lays helpless in the snow and has a temper tantrum.

Now, I realize that all of that that I just wrote is very dramatic.

The very simple answer is, what are my priorities today? Well, I need to apply for some jobs. I need to figure out some way of labeling my bath bombs because my computer or I mean, my printer, is out of toner, but I can still wrap them And figure something out. I may have to hand write my labels.

I have all these supplies and I decided instead of making a bunch of different scents in the bath bombs. I’m going to stick with the bath bombs that are made and I’m going to make some body butters and some massage oils and some sugar scrubs. I have enough supplies to do all that. And if I make $100 or $500, that’s $500 more or $100 more than I had. It could pay the bills for this week and it could get us groceries. I do have some eggs and I do have some cheese and I have a couple sausage patties in the freezer so guess what? There’s my breakfast. There’s enough for me to make for my daughter too.

If that is all we eat, that’s OK. It’s food. There are people in the world who literally do not even have that. And for that, I mean, there’s where my gratitude is and I think while I’m eating, I need to, as corny as it sounds, put energy into that while I’m eating. Send out wishes for food for everyone, 

I spend a lot of time in my head going over the past and asking myself why I’m such a dumb shit. What a waste of time. Who cares why I was a dumb shit? The answer now is don’t be a dumb shit. Do the deal Denise, get her done. Stop worrying about things I have no control over. Like literally. I have no control over our political situation, I have no control over the economy, I have no control over other people. I have no control over the fact that there are unbelievably wealthy people in this world and that I’m not one of them.

Today I can make breakfast for my daughter and I. Today I can apply for jobs. Today I can wrap those damn bath bombs and I can make the other products I talked about above.

I’m just over all of this and I pray that there will come a day, when I can look back and say oh my God, Denise. You are not there anymore, you did it. You fucking got through all this and came out ahead.

I have to believe that that can happen.

And so on that note, I’m gonna go upstairs and make myself some breakfast.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Thoughts at This Moment

Greetings,

I’m not even sure how to put into words, or what words to use right now.

There are none.

I’m gonna keep this sweet and to the point.

Rent got paid.

It was literally down to 45 minutes before it was due. And I had fully accepted it wouldn’t be paid. 45 minutes later, it was paid.

I got nothing. I mean it should go without saying that I’m grateful but that word, at least right now, doesn’t feel as significant as it should.

My head and what runs through it doesn’t matter. It can’t. I gotta push through.

Because my gratitude in the past hasn’t been enough. Gratitude is great but it won’t pay the bills and it does not bring on change in and of itself.

So I am grateful and I remain so and will so. 

None of my self-searching or questioning matters. I have to assume that there will be a time for that.

Just like faith, gratitude means nothing without backing it up with action.

Job search, willingness to work for cash if anyone offers, packing as if so this doesn’t fall on others if we don’t make things for January. Some kind of planning and figuring stuff out too in case we don’t make it.

Yeah…words like willingness, planning, making phone calls, applying for jobs, packing.

Pumpkin is sitting next to me, a huge, beautiful fur ball. She goes with my daughter if we lose this place. I was despondent. She will never know that her life was about to change nor will she know who it is that bought her another month of stability.

A friend I haven’t seen in forever brought me some boxes. He’s so handsome!!! Don’t worry, I know that ship has sailed but he is, lol. It was incredibly kind of him to do that for me. And he said he has more if needed. 

I’m going to make myself some dinner and begin this process.

Peace to all of you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Focus

Hey Guys,

Ok, here I am. 

I am not going to allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of depression here. I'm not depressed. I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and I'm unsure of what to do next.

So.

For today, I have to focus on what's currently in front of me. Packing, job search and cleaning. I have to get boxes, I need an oil change (it's been a year and a half), and I need laundry detergent.

Clearly, I am going through other things. Without going into too much detail, I will say this. I had a dream that I was getting jiggy with it, with someone from my teenage years but it was in a setting of someone I knew in adulthood.

I know why I had this dream. I've had a lot of weird men suddenly commenting on my YouTube channel. This is not what I'm trying to attract. It makes me feel uncomfortable and just reiterates why I stay away from men in general. It almost always comes to that and I'm not there. Menopause changed everything and in losing my mojo so to speak, I began to see how badly I let myself be treated and how I was drawn to overbearing, controlling, mean men. Men who belittled and who took no accountability for themselves but blamed me for everything...just gross.

No.

So the two people in this dream both represent bad choices, the one I decided to have s*x with and the one whose house it was.

I do want to go back, maybe, in therapy when I can and work through this stuff because most of the time, it's my past, I could care less, but sometimes, when it comes in a dream like this and I can't just push the thought away, it stays with me and leaves a coat of yuck on me.

This thing with weird comments on my channel is exacerbating that so sadly, I had to disable comments. I hope people react well to it.

If at some time, I feel like I can have them without them affecting my mental health, I'll turn them back on.

Alright, well, I feel kindof like an empty shell today, I feel like I don't know what to do first and I feel sad.

But...I'm OK. 

We have no choice but to get through it.

It's my attitude that will determine how...

Be Blessed my friends.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Bizarre Thoughts

Well Hello,

And how is everybody today?

I hope you are warm if you live here in Minnesota, I hope your car is running well and that good things are happening for you.

Myself, I am OK. I am in a state of… I don’t even know how to explain it. You know how there are stages of grief? I think I’m kind of in that. I did have some anger, but it wasn’t directed at anyone but myself.

And I know that that serves no purpose, no long-term purpose anyways. I am seeing so many things very clearly and it would be easy to beat myself up and to go down the rabbit hole of Denise is a piece of shit.

But this journey that I’m on, it no longer allows for that kind of thinking. Not for long anyway.

Because I’m old and because I’m tired and because I’ve learned so much and come so far. My inner spirit can’t handle that anymore and knows that realistically, I’m not a bad person.

Parts of me, I guess you could say they’ve been broken since I was a little tiny girl. I suppose some of them are caused by trauma and it’s OK to own that, but I’ve said this before, the people who caused this cannot magically wave a wand and fix it. As an adult, we are responsible for fixing our own trauma. And there is simply no one to blame for me being how I am, but me. Maybe blame is a bad word, maybe it just is what it is and what I’m trying to say is I’m the only one who can fix it.

I am running the gamut of emotions here and trying to find my way through that and I am isolating because I’m so afraid of lashing out at anyone. That is something I have done in the past and it’s unfair and was unnecessary. Anger and me used to go together so well. But now, anger that really doesn’t need to be anger and is really just me being mad at myself, like I said, man it serves no purpose.

And really, staying in anger, even if it’s about something where anger is justified, it’s an icky place to be.

No one owes me anything, not even the world, even though as far as I know in my human understanding, I didn’t ask to be born, and I didn’t ask to be born with all the Fuckery that is my mind. I just had the beginnings of a conversation with someone about that. Because I am back to watching those near death experience videos and they all talk about how where we go after our body dies, is a perfect place of love and that we are sent here to learn something and to experience all emotion. But if we come from a place of total love and we go back to that, what the fuck is the journey here for? What does Suffering whether it’s self imposed or not, do for us if we return to a perfect place of love anyways? I mean, are we going to just become love warriors up there, in heaven or whatever the hell it is, no pun intended. 

I don’t fucking know.

It all seems kind of bizarre to me, but I’m just a human.

Suffice to say, I think I need to stop watching those goddamn videos.

Anyways, the apartment blew up. It’s so fucking little that it doesn’t take much and so now I am back to cleaning and organizing. I am going to get some boxes and start packing.

No, I still have no plan for where we are going to go or where we will land. While it is hard for me to say, I trust the universe and it’s plan for me right now, I have decided to just trust the process.

The only action I am able to bring myself to take at this point, is to clean this fucking apartment, start packing it up and apply for jobs.

That’s all she wrote folks and that’s all I know right now.

I so appreciate the supportive comments, the supportive messages that I am receiving.

You see, there it is again… Love. I am loved.

And I am very grateful.

You have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecir