Bad Dreams That Mean Good Things

 

Good Morning,

I am blogging before my morning walk. I woke up deeply disturbed and I did manage to meditate and to do my breath work but now I'm just crying.

I had a bad dream and the dream...like if I wrote it down, it wouldn't seem like something that would disturb me, yet it does.

Basically, I was really little and I had climbed on to a rooftop somehow and that's something I would've done. I was a little thrill seeker.

But no one could find me and I could hear people yelling for me but I was too scared to answer, the roof was a steep terra cotta kindof roof and it was an apartment building but like 10 stories high and I was afraid to move.

Somehow, some woman figured out where I was and her husband came up and he put me in the chimney so I got out that way. Then my dad was holding me but I didn't really see him. My eyes were golden in the dream, like in Twilight, the good Vampires.

But I wasn't a vampire.

And all the while, that horrid song "Gloria" was playing, like a maniacal soundtrack in my head.

I know that doesn't sound like anything at all but for some reason, the experience of it was bad. So I've been crying because I just feel so disturbed.

I had to step away. Wow. I am really struggling this morning.

But I did a dream analysis and it's all amazing and good.

I still feel just out of sorts though.

I want to call in but the truth of the matter is that I will have these days from time to time and now is not the time to be calling in.

I also had a fantastic weekend and you know, I struggle after really good days. I crash so there may be some of that going on for whatever reason as well.

I think if I just push through, I'll feel better and better.

I haven't gone on a walk and I'm almost out of time to do so, so I better get moving.

I did manage to shoot one video yesterday.

It's long, almost 22 minutes but I sortof talk about what last week was like for me and how I was able to push through it.

Yeah, I need to go in.

I'm gonna go walk now.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cold Leftovers

 

Happy Sunday!!

I'm still a little tired even though I've been up for an hour. I got almost 8 hours of sleep with excellent REM and Deep sleep.

I have found that if I drink my sleep drink an hour before I go to sleep, it just hits different...better.

I did wake up a couple times, I'm having stabbing pain in my ears. I know, I know, it's always something.

I really didn't go out yesterday to do anything but I just kept it steady, kept myself busy but not maniacally so.

I got the front of the apartment clean; meaning dining room, kitchen, living room. My daughter helped with some of it too.

I did a shit ton of laundry. I honestly don't know how I end up with so much at the end of the week. I broke it down into small loads even though it means more water. That's wasteful and I know it but I when I take a huge load out and I have to fold it, it's overwhelming so I labeled it self-care and did small loads, lol. There's no choosing what size load you want so we're stuck with this.

But after the load I just put in this morning, it'll all be done except for my sheets, which I'll do later. My daughter couldn't get back to sleep this morning so we made a coffee run and now she's chilling on the couch.

We're going to go up to our apartment gym and walk on the treadmill this morning and then I'm going rollerskating and then out to North Minneapolis to meet a friend for breakfast. We haven't caught up in forever and I just love her so much.

And then it'll be clean my room, my closet and the bathroom, shoot some videos, etc. We have no food in the fridge and I know I have to get some, it's just daunting; meal planning, fucking cooking and you all know I actually love to cook but man...maybe I'll just buy a bunch of pre-made vegan meals for the week and then all I have to do is heat them  up in the morning and pack them and bring them in to work. I have to do that because my boss seems to get annoyed when I want to heat my lunch up. She has to turn stuff off or the circuit blows. So I just heat stuff in the morning and then I eat it cold, I may sound like I'm playing the part of martyr here but I'm not. I'm the weirdo who almost always eats leftovers cold. Warmed leftovers, especially in the microwave, freak my out. I have no idea why but they do.

And finally, my sisters got back from Mexico safely. They are both in Jersey, one lives there and the other is traveling. It just feels better when you know everything has gone smoothly and all are well. 

I am sad I couldn't be with them this time but we'll do something together soon. We shall make it happen, make it so.

I have had a good weekend so far. Peaceful. Easy. 

Yay!

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

You See, She Mattered

Good Morning :)

Wowsa, it's hot out there. Right now, it's not blistering hot but it's warm and humid. We have both ACs blaring.

So, first, the job. I have never been so grateful to still have a job that I don't like.

I made a total effort this week and the Universe showed me that hey...I do have what it takes. I'm not gonna write a huge paragraph tooting my own horn.

I'm just grateful that I had this opportunity to prove to myself that I can, as opposed to I can't.

So we go on...I hope to look this weekend and see what else is out there.

I have a call with a friend in a half hour. I need to meditate and all that...

Just want to tell you a story. A story that finally has come to a conclusion; one that I have hoped for but didn't know if I'd ever get.

I had a friend in junior high. We met and started hanging out and I'm feeling a bit fragile so I'm not going to delve deep into the story but I witnessed abuse and I had never seen anything like that before and right in front of me as if it were completely normal.

Nanette, it was not normal, it was not OK. I'm sorry I was too scared to defend you, I was 14. 

Man, she lived one helluva life and not good, not good at all.

I ran into her probably in early 2014. It was a drug thing, ya know? But whereas I got to go home and pick up my life...she went back to the streets. I saw her one or two times after that and we never did get the chance to talk.

Then she was murdered on Franklin Ave in South Minneapolis in August of 2014.

Murdered at 2:20AM or so. 

Fast forward to now...I had a dream of the people I used to use with and they are gone now too, but it made me think of Nanette and I looked up her name and there it was.

They found the guy. See, they kept looking. She mattered.

He's been charged with  murder. He's in jail in New York right now. I don't know if they'll extradite him but if they do, I'll be there in court, representing for the beautiful girl I laughed and cried with when I was 13/14 years old.

You see, she mattered. She mattered to me. And in spite of her life, there were a lot of people on the street who mourned her because when she had money, she gave it away, she bought food for people, etc.

Not all addicts are only their addiction; there are layers and layers of things like childhood trauma, mental health disorders, you name it.

She's at peace now.

And I will always hold in her in my heart where she's safe.

I am crying at my computer but I'm happy for her. Happy and sad at the same time.

Alright, well on with my day.

I hope you all have a great one.

Yesterday's short:

Love & Light,

Thank you!!

Neecie

It's OK to Feel Good

 

Good Morning!!

So.

In spite of me not mentioning this, I actually did have a good week. Yeah, sleep was an issue some of the days that's the norm, right? Yeah, my boss pissed me off a few times but that's the norm right? 

What was different about this week?

I actually applied myself. And I've been tracking everything I do...like I get in at 8:00 and I write down 8:00: Got the leads going, set up appointments, made packets, 9:30: Made calls, responded to emails and texts, 10:15: Entered quotes, etc.

And I announced yesterday that I hoped both my boss and the owner saw the change.

So I guess we'll see.

Because I was so on top of things, I will be caught up with everything within my first two hours, leaving time for my boss to show me something new.

And we shall see.

Because they gave me one week to turn this shit around, and I did it in 4 days.

And if they do fire me today, then I know I tried. Like, 100% tried and if that's not good enough for them, then I shouldn't be there anyways.

Turns out I am a strong girl.

A couple things kept me from walking out of this one:

• The previous 5.5 months and what I went through
• My sister helped me with some things and I will NOT shit all over that
• Others helped me with some things during that period and I'm not gonna shit all over that either
• I guess...I guess I just care now and while my plan is to eventually leave this job, I genuinely want to know I tried, I want to be able to walk away with no anger, blame, resentment, shame or guilt.

Anger, resentment, shame and guilt are things I don't do anymore.

Yeah, I get mad about stuff but I am able, through practicing meditation - I truly believe this has made all the difference for me - to see things realistically.

Sadly, seeing things realistically has also shown me other things too. When you become quiet, when you really pay attention and listen and you realize that some things are incredibly hurtful and toxic...you don't have to engage in that and if it continues, I mean...sometimes you have to say enough and I'm done and gently remove people, places and things from your life.

Peace.

Inner peace.

Personal peace.

When you do things genuinely and you remove your own toxicity from a situation, it's amazing how the Universe provides. That 5.5 months I wasn't working? Fucking miracles happened. And I didn't ask for a single one of them, they just came.

And my YouTube channel? I've gained 13 subscribers in under a month...I'm getting likes and comments and that's by just being genuine and sharing. No one is more surprised than I am.

In the scheme of things these are small measures but they mean everything to me.

And so...on with my day.

We will see what today brings.

I am going to be blunt at work, I was yesterday, I totally tooted my own horn and I let them know I felt good about my work and my efforts this week so we'll see what they say today, or if they say anything at all.

If they don't say anything, I've already decided that I'm going to ask if they want me to come back next week.

If they do, then I'll let this go and let me work speak for me.

I flexed mind muscles I didn't even know I had this week. I think it's OK to feel good about that.

So I mean, there it is.

I got this.

I'll let you all know what happens when I write tomorrow. I have a phone date with a friend at 8:30AM and I hope to get up and knock shit out before that call happens but we shall see what this day brings and this night in terms of sleep.

I hope you all have a good day.

Yesterday's short:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Present for This Journey

 

Hello Er'body,

Well I deflated last night but it wasn't depression shit, just literally exhaustion. I seem to now live Monday through Friday, focused only on the weekend.

I have been managing to do much better at work but man...my boss. She's something else.

It is what it is.

The pain I wrote about yesterday is gone, twinges on the other side but nothing like what I experienced yesterday.

I'm trying to suck down 8 glasses of water as that seemed to help the situation.

Today, I am going and going and going and y'all know what I'm referring to so maybe I actually was backed up a bit.

I'm gonna fast today just to try and get everything out of me.

Cuz y'girl ain't been feeling so hot.

And last night? Well, I was in bed at 7:30 so I got in 7.5 hours of sleep but I had at least one weird ass dream.

Me no like. It wasn't even a bad dream but I didn't like who was in it.

One of my past lovahs was in it.

He was a one time gig and once was enough for a lifetime, let me tell you.

Why he turned up last night...I actually was thinking about him yesterday. He just came into my head and I shook my head to get him out.

Even Pumpkin doesn't like me thinking about him, she's rubbing up against my leg like...go away.

Now she is chewing on a plastic bag. I guess her father did that too, it's so bizarre the things cats are into, my Grey likes to rip paper up with her teeth...usually in the middle of the night and the sound...terrifying. It wakes me right up and before I am able to fully realize, "oh, it's Grey", there is this fear. Like...whaaaattt is going on right now?

Anyways, I digress.

I am doing my best to get everything done at work and I've been keeping track of everything I do and taking pics of it so if it comes to applying for unemployment, and they fight it, I'll have proof that I tried.

I'm assuming they'll tell me tomorrow if we're going forward.

I'm going to also write down the dates of, and content of, the conversations I had with both my boss and her mom, the owner, so that I have my ass covered there too.

I've never done this before, I've never stuck it out, trying to make it better, trying to make myself better. I would've quit by now but I am standing by my wanting to change things up for the better. In a sense, this is me taking accountability for my past.

And at the end of the day, there is something to be said for being grateful for all of our experiences and I'm not angry anymore, I don't get angry anymore...except for the whole road rage thing and that's much better as well. My personal peace is to important to me to get too worked about really anything. Save it for when I actually need it, ya know?

And I mean, if I were to be all angry and defiant, the thing is, this is 90% me, what I'm going through. The other 10% is them, mainly my boss, and I have no control over here.

I was able to say some things to her mother, and her mother heard me and validated me and just in case they were ever to come across this blog, I'll keep those things to myself.

Yeah no sense in writing it out, that 10%. No sense in it. I can't control it, so it's learn to deal with it in a healthy way and not let it build inside me. Anger kept inside is a gajillion times more deadly and it's toxic...to ourselves.

Maybe it's good I'm feel tired a lot, I'm too fucking tired to get pissed about shit.

I'm on this journey and I'm committed to it and being present and letting myself experience it, is what will bring on the change.

I did another short on my YouTube yesterday and it shot up to over 500 views almost immediately. So I'm not going to post my videos until mid-morning now.

You know the deal, thank you so much!!

I'm very, very grateful.

I think because of what I'm dealing with and trying to process the shame it brings, you know - this job shit, having something I do...reach people, and have the positive response I'm currently experiencing, it's a boost, and I need that right now.

You guys, have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puppy Love

 

Good Morning,

Oh you guys, I am having this pain. Ugh.

It's in my lower left abdomen and it's shooting through to my back in the same area.

I looked it up. The least scary thing is gas and constipation. But...I have been going all morning per the norm and soooo...

I guess I'll tell you about my day yesterday. I've been doing good, going for walks and all that good stuff in the morning but not this morning.

I've been getting in my meditation, etc.

And I've been trying to knock it out at work. I think I'm doing much better. I've been tracking my time spent on each task I do at work and I take pictures of it too.

Just in case I don't...in case they fire me this week as that's pretty much what I was given to turn things around; this week.

So I guess I'll hear on Friday.

We've had a puppy at work as my boss's niece has been puppy sitting. He's so cute you guys. There's just something about animals.

Grey, when I wake up, senses it and will hop over (she's missing a front leg so she hops) and will plop down on me and give me kisses and purrs and then Pumpkin jumps up, already purring and we do our head bump greeting and have some pets.

Unconditional love.

It's the best!

I had plans for last night but my daughter asked if we could go to Target and we went in as opposed to ordering for pick up, so that took so time and no longer did I get home and started to pump myself up for what I wanted to do, then my friend Tracy called. I don't usually take calls during the week but I did. I wanted to talk to someone about what I'm going through; the job, the looking back stuff and the reflection I've been doing and just how much grace and love I'm giving myself right now.

Because I never did. I just treated myself so badly.

And now I'm trying not to.

Oh man...this pain, it's starting to freak me out. I'll go in somewhere tonight if it doesn't let up.

Anyways, my friend has been sick and she's functioning, working, all that and she was telling me about the trip her and her hubby are taking this weekend.

It made me happy to hear the happiness in her voice as she told me all about what they're gonna do and some projects she prepared for the kids she'll be with; these are family friends they are taking the trip with, they do this once a year.

But she also listened to me, really listened.

It means a lot to me to be heard.

Alright, I better move it along here.

Here's the video I posted yesterday.

and the short.

I got two more subscribers.

These shorts are making all the difference. Who knew?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

This is probably the thing that really lifts me up.

Thanks so much, all of you.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Told Myself...

 

Good Morning!

You guys, the sun is shining. We had sunshine yesterday too. Then we had storms. I had to move my car into the huge garage we have at work and then the power went out and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get our cars out, but alas, the power came back on. I left almost a half hour early, my boss told me I should because there was a lull in the weather and it was supposed to get bad again.

I have no idea how, maybe it was that burst of sunshine but I'll be damned if I didn't exercise and do the dishes.

I had more on my list, I did give myself a facial but other than that...pffffttt. 

Still it was more than usual and for that, I am grateful.

So the co-owner of the company talked to me yesterday, she's my boss's mom. She was much nicer than my boss about it. She wasn't confrontative and she didn't do it in front of someone else the way my boss did.

It comes down to two things; how long I take to get things done and accuracy.

This is nothing new folks.

The only difference this time around is that I am willing to try and see what happens and not give up. I would've walked last week if I were the same person.

And I'm allowing myself some reflection but also trying not to use said reflection to flagellate myself.

I'm tired of being my own whipping girl. I'm the whipped and the whipper.

I just, that serves no purpose.

Right now, you guys, my YouTube channel is making me so happy. From my numbers and views going up to the beautiful, supportive comments I get and some would look and say, "that's not much" but it's everything to me, each like, each subscriber, each lovely comment...I hold that shit in my heart and it feeds me.

All those videos I watched about near death experiences, it's changed me. It's just really all about love and it's got to start with me loving myself.

You know, loving myself to stay the course on this job so that if they fire me, they fire me with me knowing I tried, that I gave it my all and tried to keep that from happening.

I'm not dumb. I'm not.

This is something I have struggled with since adolescence and I'm only now seeing this and the patterns and how I somehow became someone who gave up and who bolted when things got difficult or challenging because it was easier to do that than to face the humiliation of getting "talked to" or being confronted on the things I struggle with.

I gave up. Yeah, it was self-sabotage but I'm seeing the bigger picture now too. I'm seeing "me" in this and how some of this...I mean at the end of the day, it's my fault and I own that but it's also not my fault that this wasn't addressed when I was young. It's not anyone's fault. 

I have this other disorder and my own behavior was so bad that no one else, very few, could see past that to try and find the "why's" either. I want to make it clear I'm not blaming anyone. 

I would not have accepted help back then. I thought I knew everything and that everyone else was the problem, not me.

But I wish I would've seen this then, I just told myself I didn't care and that everything would work out.

I'm running out of time.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie