Miss Mary Sunshine

Good Morning!

I’m not feelin’ it but what else is new? I should’ve worn a coat, it’s frickin’ freezing. Hang on, gonna turn up the heat in this shindig.

Ok, hopefully, that will kick in soon. 

This illness, whatever it is, is kicking my ass from bumfuck Egypt to Timbuktu.

Fucker.

I made the massive mistake yesterday of going on my lunch to pick up some things for this cold that I can’t seem to kick. I grabbed some cough syrup and didn’t even pay attention to what I was grabbing. When I got back to the office, I took a bump. Oops. Not only does it have Benadryl in it, which knocks me on my butt, it had alcohol in it. Now this kind of thing is not something I freak out about because I will take things with alcohol in it for colds, etc. I know a lot of people who are sober won’t do that and I understand why but it does not make me want to drink, trust me. I wasn’t buzzed at all, I was just massively out of it. The drive home was kind of scary. I got right into bed and slept for two hours. 

I seem to sleep better when pumpkin is right next to me and I think it’s because of her weight. It’s comforting somehow. So I need to get a heavy body pillow that I can sleep up against for those nights when she sleeps with her mama, my daughter.

This morning, my stomach has just been fire too. It’s like I wake up and it’s, “Let the wild rumpus begin.”

I made it to work without having to stop and that is good.

Anyways, I am really learning about letting go. I don’t even have the energy to fix it on all the things that are not happening this week because I get right into bed when I get home. You know, for the most part. But this is because of sickness and not depression.

I am just trying to take care of myself at this point and get through this. I got some special mouthwash that is hard-core antibacterial and I’ve been flossing really well and brushing really well in the hopes that if I do have a tooth infection, this will help it get better. I don’t have dental insurance and I certainly don’t have the money to get help for it, if that is what this is.

Anyways, I’m at work, I just had a phone conversation with my boss. I am going to attempt to do better than just half adding it today, although I mean, I’ve been gettin’er done so that’s good. I’m just not Miss Mary sunshine is all.

OK, well I hope you all have a good day. I am getting through this thing. I hope if you are sick or sad or going through something, you can get through it too.

Sometimes, getting through it the best we are able to, is enough.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy News

 Hi Boo Boo’s,

Once again, I am down for the count. I was asleep early and man, I felt so proud of myself. I got so much done last night. I didn’t give up. My ear is still killing me but I palpate it and I do the netty pot and just in case this is stemming from the beginnings of a tooth infection, I’m gonna pick up some anti-bacterial mouthwash today and just hit it with what I can naturally.

My darling Pumpkin has decided that she is ready to cuddle up close and personal now. I had her in my arms for half of the night and all oh

The times she was spooned into me, if I rolled over, she jumped over to the side I moved to and respooned herself.

I am having a shit show of dreams right now which doesn’t surprise me. Full moon AND the Sabbath. Samhain.

I don’t care what you believe or practice; these energies affect us all.

For me…dreams.

And let me tell ya, no one is NOT showing up; people who have passed, people who I don’t see often, people from my past, People.

Animals too, lots of them.

It is what it is.

I got happy news yesterday. Another family member is coming out in a couple weeks.

So much to look forward to.

Now if only I could feel better.

It’ll come, gotta stay consistent.

Ok, onwards.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Sick But Progressing

Hi Everyone,

I hope your Monday is going well. I’m at work and per the norm lately, having to try and push myself. I don’t wanna do shit. I got the leads in and made first contact. After finishing this, I’ll start in on the phone calls and texts.

My antisocial nature hates the phone calls but I am able to do them.

Honestly, after getting through that, I have relatively few things to do as I managed to get caught up on everything last week.

I did exactly what I said I’d do yesterday, which was self care first and then whatever I could manage. What I was able to manage, was a complete pick up. Clean dishes put away and dirty ones loaded. Put away all my clean clothes. Washed my sheets and got them back on my bed. Made a loose schedule for myself for the rest of the week.

Brought out the garbage. Cleaned my shower and toilet.

I did not sleep well last night. Although I got a total of 5.5 hours, I did not sleep through that. I woke up repeatedly and so much so, that my Fitbit couldn’t create any stats for me.

I’m not gonna say any more than that.

So I have one helluva list today for after work because I knew I’d never be able to get up when I had wanted to.

Fucking sleep.

But I am going to try.

I mean at the end of the day, you HAVE to keep trying. Or else what’s this all for? Where’s the worth in it?

Here’s my video from this morning:

https://youtube.com/shorts/CFNO0AAk_-0?si=I6nZiB5oZ2iyAq1E

I’m getting so close to 600. I’d be really grateful to anyone who finds value enough in this to subscribe. 

Thank you!!!!

I wish you a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just What's In the Plan

 

Hi Everyone,

Well I do apologize for my lack of posting.

So as you know, I got a cold about a month and a half ago and it has been this bizarre fiasco of a cold. It keeps morphing and the biggest part of it until yesterday was the exhaustion. But yesterday, I woke up and it's been hell ever since. Horrible, stabbing pains in my ears, a sore throat, crushing headache.

What the actual fuck? In addition, I have this bizarre itching all over my body, like it won't stop and my eyes are so dry, they ache.

Again, what the actual fuck?

The temps finally dropped though and although I've slept most of my morning away, I did get my girl to work.

I need to get some food in this house. I don't even care what it is, just enough to get my through the week.

And I need to get back into some kind of progression forward.

Today, I am just going to clean up, order some groceries and spend a lot of time on the computer planning out the rest of my month and writing out a budget.

I was planning on quitting smoking yesterday but I had some left and I couldn't bear to throw them out. So I smoked 'em but it was less than half a pack and I felt so shitty, I was able to make them last all day.

I did buy a pack today but I've only had 2.

I added up the cigs and the starbucks and it came to $600 a month. 

Seeing it in black and white like that? It's time.

So I am just going to try and get through today only smoking two more.

I am going to move slow and be gentle on myself. The cough is so much better just from cutting back yesterday.

So if I can do what's in the plan today and going forward, that should get better and better.

I know I shouldn't do this but I put all my symptoms into one of those "get a diagnosis" sites and the first thing it came up with was mold exposure.

I'm not saying that's what this is but then I looked up trailer offices and it said they are a like a magnet for mold. 

Plus, you have the fact that my desk is covered with dead bug carcasses and all the dirt and dust that flies around the huge lot we are on.

It's not good at all.

I'm so proud of myself for sticking this out but it's time.

And finally, two things; one is that I went and took a class for my permit to carry. I am loathe to even say that or write about it because it's become so politicized and so ugly that people jump to conclusions about this topic that I can almost 100% guarantee you are not the case. It's an ugly world right now. I wish I had hope that it'll get better but I don't see that happening and I just want protection for myself and mine.

That's all.

I still have to go in and pay a fee to have them do a background check and send me my permit but then I'll be able to save up for what I want and that'll be one goal achieved.

It was a really informative class and we got to shoot and that was intimidating but I did quite well.

The other thing is that I haven't felt mom or dad now for awhile and it's had me sad. But I had dream right before waking up the first time this morning and there were a line of people against a wall and it wasn't like a police line up or anything just people in a line by a wall and the last person had this pretty yellow sweater on. I realized the second before waking up that it was mom. And right as I woke up, I called out, "Mom." She was smiling and happy and yellow, when it's in a dream in a happy context, means really good things so she came again, right when I've been at my lowest again.

She came.

So I have hope again.

I've been staying strong, in spite of myself, through the high emotions at work, through the financial struggles in my personal life, through the needs of others and the fact that I had to go off my meds and being so sick for so long. My Rhi called me yesterday and we talked for a couple hours and I, at one point, lost it. I just sobbed. I needed to.

I try so hard not to do that anymore because I spent a lifetime laying my shit on others and I try to be the one who people can come to but I guess it needed to come out. She was really good about it and supportive. Thank you, my darling girl. I needed that.

We are all going through hard times right now. I do know that and I try to be compassionate about it towards everyone. I guess I need to show myself some of that compassion.

Alright, well, like I said, I just want to clean up today and make a list for myself for the week and get back into my life as much as I can without pushing myself to hard or so hard that I fall apart.

That's never a good thing.

So there you have it.

That's what I've been dealing with. 

I plan on being back on the regular tomorrow.

Until then, have a good day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Monday is Go

Hello.

How’s errbody doing today? 

I’m good. Got up ok. Moved slow but got out in time and am planted in front of my desk at work.

Wah.

I know, I know. We all gotta do it.

I have accepted that, now I just gotta find one that fits better. I say better, not perfect, because I know it’s not gonna ever be perfect.

But I feel my time here is done. It’s been well spent, I learned a lot about myself and I pushed myself and that’s all good. But I’m over it, the drive, the bugs in my office and the high emotions.

I’m soul tired baby.

Found one good job. I’ll apply tonight.

My drive to work was very peaceful and beautiful. While I detest the amount of time it takes me to get here and home, parts of it are beautiful. I started out my drive with affirmations and then music. And I sang and felt and saw. It was nice.

You guys, it’s gonna be fucking 90 degrees in October, in MN. What the actual fuck?

But Monday…Monday is go day. Temps will drop and hopefully stay dropped. 

I saw my former roomie yesterday. What a sweetheart. I had a package delivered there as I don’t trust our apartments packaging system. Shit gets stolen all the time.

Wankers.

But yeah, picked up the package and told my friend what it is and how excited I am. Not gonna explain here. Just something very thoughtful and useful.

Alright, I’m out.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

EARLY

Hi Everyone. 

I’m so sick. How’s that for a start? I have been fighting this cold for over a month now.

It keeps morphing. 

I can’t do this job next year. That much has become clear. I figured one thing out; you know I shower every night and my tub is always filthy after I get out. It’s not like I’m rolling around in dirt all day and when I wash my face in the evening, and I use a toner on cotton, it’s like my neck is caked in dirt. Well the property I work on, it has a massive dirt driveway. The wind blows it around and so I finally figured out why all the dirt in my tub and on me. Sucks because I clean my tub once a day now.

I think breathing all this dirt in is really affecting me. I think a lot is affecting me.

My daughter and I are going to decorate for Halloween tonight.

And my ass is going to bed EARLY!!

Life is coming at me this week. At least I’m knocking it out at work.

Love y’all!!!

Love and Light,

Neecie

Cooking Ordeals

Good Morning,

Oh wow, guys. I did it, I got up at 4:30, went for a 20 minute walk, ended up cooking this morning because yesterday was a comedy of error and I got too burned out by the whole ordeal to cook. I'll explain. 

But as for this morning, yeah, walked, meditated, made my breakfast and dinner.  Cooking at 5AM is interesting. I left one of the burners on and put an oven glove on it...oops. Luckily, I smelled the smoke and got it in the sink before any alarms went off.

I did my skincare and haircare. I paid my electric bill - ouch.

I got all the clean dishes in the dishwasher put away and got all the dishes I used this morning rinsed and put in the dishwasher, lol.

I'm uploading my long form videos for the week.

I feel good. 

So yesterday, I was going to make Pumpkin bars and after putting in a grocery order for pick up, I realized that I needed another can of pumpkin.

Had to go into the store for that one. Got home, started mixing everything and there were fucking bugs in the flour and the sugar.

Not good.

At that point, I had been running errands all morning and I was zonked. I took a nap and woke up crabby, but I cleaned the kitchen.

That's why the cooking this morning. Tonight, I'll make the pumpkin bars and the other breakfast item.

Tonight, it's really about the cooking, cleaning up any mess and a few other little things and then shower and bedtime. 

I know all of this will fall into place and become easier if I just stick to it.

I hope you all have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie