Be The Switch

Good Morning Again,

I’m sorry for my post this morning. I’m just…floundering. And I don’t enjoy floundering. Yet…I flounder by choice. 

So stupid.

Yet, sometimes I feel I am helpless to fight it.

Yesterday was not a bad day. Like I said, I got some things done. I made these amazing puff pastry cheese biscuits but I paid for them when I went to bed last night. I had the farts and they were the explosively loud ones that rip forth from the depths of your bowels and the aftermath, that ain’t good either. 

They kept waking me up right as I’d be falling asleep.

I am on the fence with my life right now and it’s time to jump off on one side or another.

Luckily, this cold didn’t get wicked on me. Maybe an after effect of having had Covid is that when you DO catch a cold, the symptoms are dumbed down. I’ve had a couple colds and none of them have been bad. I made it work through the whole thing.

Maybe I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I did it.

I am saving my PTO now for a trip my sister and I are taking at the end of October. I’m so looking forward to that and fingers crossed that we get good weather. I don’t care if it’s cold, just no rain or snow please.

And so…I just wanted to come back and say that it’s not ALL gloom and doom.

I’m ok.

I just wish there was a switch I could flip that would motivate the fuck outta me.

I guess I’m that switch. I gotta flip myself man.

Alright, well I really do hope you all have an amazing day.

I’m ending mine with dinner out with a friend.

Something to look forward to.

Have a good one :)

Too Tired to Think

 

Hello.

Monday. 

Wah.

Blah.

But I'm doing it. I have to. 

I managed to rally yesterday and get some good things done. Not much, but something.

Anything is progress.

I paid a bunch of bills this morning.

Sucks to be  me. But....feels good at the same time.

I decided I'm driving out to Washington when I go in December. I'm too scared to fly. Can't do it.

You guys, I am literally sitting here with nothing.

My cold is worse. I had horrid pain in my ears last night.

I think I'm just sortof clouded in this cold.

But I will be back tomorrow. 

We'll just keep this train on schedule and do the best we can.

Have a good Monday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

As Far As the World

 

Good Morning!

So I have been sick the last couple days. But I guess if I'm gonna be sick, this is the way to do it. I have a bit of a sore throat, but hardly. I have a bit of an earache but hardly. I have gunk and I have a cough but barely.

It's like it's all there, but will it cross the threshold or will it abate and return to the abyss from whenst it came.

I just don't know. I was lazy yesterday and really didn't do too much more than read and do some laundry, etc.

I am going to try and push myself further today.

Because ya know...if I don't, things don't get done, I feel bad about myself, I whine. Bla bla bla. 

So there you have it. I have nothing written down but in my head, I know what I'm going for here.

We shall see.

As far as the world, I choose love. Sticking by that one. I want to be on the right side of things as much as possible.

Love is always right.

It's plain and simple, it's always right.

So that's me now. Anyone asks anything about me, tell them, "Oh Denise? She chooses love...motherfuckers."

Alright, I'm out.

Today's affirmation:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Runny and Sneezing

Good Morning,

I’m kind of over everything today. I came to work in sweats. I don’t care.

I walked into screaming and yelling. I can’t. I want to go home. I got under 3 hours of sleep last night. I’m not coughing but I’m runny at the nose and sneezing and sneezing.

I’m exhausted.

I want my mom. 

Yeah, I’m being a candy ass. We all are sometimes.

And I’m still on the people suck train. Big time.

I want to cry right now but even I could, I think I’d be too tired.

Solution?

Catch up on everything today. Leave early if I can. Go home and crawl into bed. I’ll probably be picking my baby up from work but as long as I sleep for a couple hours, that’s fine.

I am picturing my brother and sister curled up on the living room floor together listening as mom sat on the couch, reading is the hobbit.

I want to go back.

And the dreams? You guys, they keep coming. I don’t even remember any of them but my gut tells me they were either bad or uncomfortable at best.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be able to look at things positively after sleeping tonight and maybe I’ll feel better too.

I do hope you all have an amazing day. 

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Fuck the Fence

Hello!

Can I take a moment to ask how everyone is doing? Yesterday was a bitch. 

Not gonna get into it.

I just have little hope for humanity.

Seriously. Don’t care whose side of the fence you live on, if you balance on the fence, if you say fuck the fence…don’t care. We can do better.

We can do a LOT better.

On an entirely different note, a 15 year old was killed right by our apartment building the other day. It was an accident, no drunk driving or anything like that but it’s so sad. His momma.

And then today is the anniversary of potentially the worst thing I’ve experienced on my time here. 9-11. Geez. All the children who lost parents that day are now grown. I just hope that they’ve had good lives. I still feel for those families and I still carry that shock, outrage, and horror in my heart.

It’s a hard fucking day.

If it’s hard for you too, I just send you my love and light. You are in my thoughts.

Be Blessed.

Neecie

Fuzzy Around the Edges

Good Morning!

Oh man. Got the shites this morning. Had to make a pit stop on the way to work lest I crap m’pants again. Not looking to have THAT experience again anytime soon.

I’ve been trying so hard not to let things at work affect me and to just kind of put a shield around myself so to speak. It’s not the job itself. And I stand by what I’ve said in that I really care about the family I work for. 

But man, the emotions run high in this place. 15 years ago, I would’ve been so about the drama. I would’ve looked forward to coming in every day to see what played out next and how I could stir shit up. Now, I remain silent, I observe, and I try to offer support where I can. 

But it is beginning to take a toll.

I really don’t want to get back into the business of writing other people‘s business out so I won’t go into detail.

It is just interesting seeing, in some ways, myself, and how I used to be, and then to see the other side of it and how it must’ve affected my family into a lesser degree, my friends.

And also, my relationships. You know, romantic ones.

The second week of November is when this job ends for the season. And I will start looking wholeheartedly at that time for something else. If nothing else comes up, it’s fine because I have this job to come back too.

Are any of you dreaming more than usual? I am, and my daughter is too. The minute our eyes closed, it seems that the picture show starts. I had a very disturbing one last night and of course I want to evaluate them and know what they could possibly mean.

I felt like in the dream, I wanted to protect someone and I wasn’t able to, and I was so scared that this person’s injuries would be blamed on me because it happened while this person was in my care. But I had caused no harm.

I don’t know, it is what it is, which is a dream. Just a dream.

I’m not depressed, I’m actually OK but I am a little down and things feel a little fuzzy around the edges if that makes sense. Like I’m trudging.

I was supposed to go out to dinner with a friend today, but I’m gonna cancel. I do not have the money.

We can reschedule for sure.

And on that note, I do have to go in so here we go. Another day, another bunch of dollars.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Inertia

 

Good Morning,

I don't have a lot to say. I flaked this weekend. I didn't get shit done. I'm so mad at myself.

You know, I do think the meds are somewhat to blame. I wanted to take them once a week, on Friday, to ensure at least one good night's sleep but they fuck me up for at least two days.

It's over. I won't flush them down the toilet but I am going to just throw them out.

Sleep be damned. And honestly, I was doing ok last week without them and the week before. Not great but OK.

At some point, you have to start thinking and just do.

I have been having dreams too. Vivid ass dreams. 

They aren't nightmares but they aren't charming either. I literally was screaming at my daughter in my sleep Friday night and she heard me and she knew the dream was about her. I felt so bad.

I was overwhelmed in the dream and frustrated. She had put taco meet all over the apartment, huge piles of it and it looked like poop.

What the fuck man?

Anyways, yeah, just not good this morning.

Do. No thinking, no trying. Do.

I'm just over where things are right now. Yes, they are better but I've been at a standstill again and I'm done.

There needs to be movement and inertia can only come by design or by out of my hands shit.

There you have it for today.

Bla.

I'm OK.

I hope your day is a great one.

Love & Light,

Neecie