Roll With It

Good Morning,

Oh man. I did not want to get up this morning. I was down for the count last night, I did not feel well at all. My boss called in yesterday and I was literally all by myself. 

I didn't use the time to fuck off like I usually do. I got stuff done. I'm experiencing some down time and surprisingly, I don't like that.

I think the meds are working for the depression piece, but I am experiencing more anxiety. I just try to breath through it.

I kindof went over my budget this morning and I'm in panic mode. I may have to do some kind of debt consolidation and I so did not want to do that. I worked so hard to get everything fixed and now it's all just shit again but I know there's a lesson in all of this.

Stay teachable Denise, stay teachable. 

No giving up now.

Anyways, I laid down on the couch last night, with my tummy not good and I feel asleep until just before I had to pick my daughter up. We got home and I went right back to bed.

I feel better this morning. Just anxious.

This too shall pass.

Still haven't got my pap results back. 

So, I really, really, really am going to try and push myself through my tiredness tonight and get some things done.

I won't be home tomorrow night and I don't want to come home to the way things are at this moment.

Change is hard. I seem to roll with it when it's things that are out of my control, but when it comes to changing things within myself, it can be difficult.

But I have to believe it can be done. Well, actually, if I'm honest, I've changed already and it's been good.

But now the hard stuff. Maybe I need to not label it as hard. Maybe I need to label it as easy. 

Anyways, it's time to go get ready for my day. Another day, another dollar. Or two or three. 

"I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Oh wait. It's Tuesday. 

A quote from Pumpkin:

"'p;*/-/"

Have a great day guys.

Yesterday's short:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Tahini

 

Good Morning,

Just a quick minute. I am having anxiety this morning. I think it's because I actually got up and attempted to do some things. My body is used to me not pushing it at all.

And now...I just want to get back on track.

It's beautiful outside.

Geez.

I decided to give up the morning walk. It's walking all 3 floors of my complex and people come out and get weird about it.

But I did walk my hallway, just to get myself going. I came back, meditated, did Wim Hof.

I made these delicious meatballs last night. I love falafal and I just can't seem to get there with making it. So instead, I mushed up a bunch of chickpea's and added them to ground turkey and put all the same herbs and spices in that you would for falafal. 

And I made a Tahini sauce and it's flipping delicous.

So that's for lunch the next two days. 

I'm making a salad for Wednesday and I'm not sure about Thursday as I'll be sleeping at my sister's Wednesday night.

Gotta figure that out.

I was too lazy this weekend. I don't like that. I want to be moving away from that, instead of embracing it, ya know?

But it is what it is.

Ok, well I better get going; still have to make my Ka'chava as that will serve as breakfast today.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Give Me Something to Believe In

 

Hi Everyone,

Ah. Another night of sleep, though who knows how much. I went to bed late, probably 11ish and I got up at 7 and there was not a lot of awake time in that so I am assuming that it went well, lol.

Sleep. Who knew? Actually, I did know, I have known and I'm grateful for only one really bad night this last 7 days.

I got two new subscribers to my YouTube channel over the weekend and I am so grateful. I've been doing the affirmations as you know and although I have plenty more of them to do, I'll have to come up with something else.

I'm sure the Universe will provide me with inspiration.

I had a good day yesterday. I will say that at least I got my laundry done. I didn't have energy for much else but then my sister came over and we went out and had another burger.

She's  making sure I tr5ffrt (Pumpkin); she's making sure I'm getting my red meat in. It was hilarious though. This poor waitress was the only one there and she was pretty busy. Anyways, when you go into this restaurant, you have a choice...right to the restaurant or left to the bar. We went to the restaurant and when we were almost done, someone in the bar put $$ in the jukebox and it blared into the restaurant. It was LOUD. Annnnnd, it was Poison - Give Me Something to Believe In. There are a lot of older folks who go to this place and almost all of them started complaining to the one waitress. There was nothing she could do. They were trying to get it to turn off but they couldn't.

She handled it though.

I don't remember the second song, but the 3rd was Rick Jame's Give it to Me Baby. I mean, it was funny. But we came back to my place and watched the entire first season of North of North on Netflix, which if you haven't seen it, watch it. It's feel good, it's funny. I had already watched it once but I was glad to watch it with sissy. She enjoyed it and it said at the end of the season that they'd be back for a season 2, which makes me really happy as well. We need more of these kinds of shows.

Just to give you an idea; Pumpkin likes to hang out with me in the morning, that's when we do most of our bonding. Here she is hanging out near, whilst I write this entry for you:

I can't imagine a life without animals. I sometimes wonder about people without them...do you just not like them, do you just not want the bother? The expense?

I have no idea but if you have kids, I highly recommend having animals too. They are just such an abundant source of unconditional love and comfort. And it teaches us about loving unconditionally as well.

][[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[['7/\0

See. There you go. Pumpkin thinks so too.

But yes, yesterday was a good day. My sister booked a little trip for us this fall while she was here. I'm very excited.

I'll be sure to do some shorts for you all so you can see the beauty of northern Minnesota as well.

Life feels better these past few days.

Life feels doable; still scary and precarious in some ways, but doable and hopeful and happy.

And on that note, I do believe I shall say adieu for the day.

I hope your Sunday is fabulous.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Callings, Whisperings and Requirements

Good Morning!

It's a weird day but beautiful, perhaps the tiniest bit muggy. It's cloudy and we have had light, misting rain on and off. I was outside and I took my shoes off and just stood in the grass.

And now Miss Pumpkin has jumped up on my computer starftgggggggggf...lpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp67y.

Kitty joy at it's finest.

I've been having a quiet morning, slowly getting moving. Did not take a sleeping pill, and I continue not to wear my fitbit, although tomorrow, I am going to put it on to monitor my steps. I am sure I got a good night's sleep.

I want to wear it during the day, just to get a good hold on what I need to do to reach my goal. Then it will come back off.

I need to learn to listen to myself, my body, my intuition and all the noise I talk about, it makes it hard to hear.

Personal peace.

My intuition tells me to get off, and stay off, my phone for anything other than music and talking to or texting my people.

My intuition is telling me to move.

I haven't really been doing that lately. Spurts of it, but not consistently.

I'm still waiting for the results of my pap.

Ugh, I thought I'd have them by now.

Everything else has been positive for the most part and I hope that trend continues.

We shall see.

Best to keep busy in the meanwhile.

It can take 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to kick in and maybe it's just a placebo effect because it's only been a few days but I do seem to feel calmer and my mornings haven't been crushingly depressed.

So that's good. I'll take it.

Today, I have goals but I go into them knowing my best effort is all I can do.

It's all I can do. I still continue to feel overwhelmed by life and all of it's callings and whisperings and requirements. 

I don't know. I'm OK today. Maybe a tiny bit better than OK.

And so, on that note, I shall say...I hope you have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Phantom Smells

 

Good Morning,

Oh man. I did get some sleep, no idea how much but I also took a sleeping pill. I'm not depressed this morning, just groggy.

This apartment is bad. I need to clean it.

My goal for this weekend is all about cleaning and organizing.

It has to be. 

You can only ignore it for so long, ya know?

So I still don't have my pap results back and that's frustrating, but in all fairness, it can take up to a week.

Next Wednesday, the CTs. I'm going to skip the sleep study.

Or maybe I'll call and see if they have a Friday night option. I just don't want to do this on a week night. It'd be too much.

I posted a hilarious video about Pumpkin yesterday and it got over 1K views. People like Pumps.

Here it is:

I want to make more of these but maybe with actual video and not pics. 

I'm learning as I go with this stuff.

I forgot to tell you guys another thing that happened with that weird medication I decided not to take again, the one that threw me into the panic attack. 

That day, when I got home, I was sitting on the couch with my daughter and I kept smelling like, a combination of ashtray and tobacco, like not smoked tobacco but the kind in swishers.

I kept asking my daughter if she'd dumped anything in the garbage and she was like, "No. Mom. No." And then, all of a sudden, I smelled the worst shit smell I've ever smelled. It wasn't like a ripe fart, it was like rotting body feces or something.

And I asked my daughter if she farted and again, she was like, "No. I'd tell you."

It was awful, you guys, so awful.

And then, it went as quickly as it came. I looked up the side effects again and yes, it turns out with proton pump inhibitors, you can have phantom smells and it said that they are rarely pleasant smells.

That stuff is freaky nasty shit.

No thank you.

Walking around in a panic, smelling rotting corpse shit is not my idea of a good time. I don't recommend this stuff at all. 

My stomach has been OK these last few days so we're rolling with that.

I'm glad it's Friday. Work has been...interesting.

Not bad but...I let something slip that perhaps I shouldn't have. Not about my past or anything, meaning my "issues" with certain things but my spiritual beliefs. It just popped out in conversation. 

It was met with stony silence.

Oops.

I do hope, Sunday afternoon perhaps, to spend some time job searching.

Just to see what might be out there.

There were crazies calling in all day too. I just...it drives me nuts.

Anyways, I'm good this morning and now I have to go shower and get ready.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Poked In the Butt

Good Morning,

Whew! What a day I had yesterday. Man.

Ok, so I took this amped up proton pump inhibitor for like...acid reflux. I don't get heartburn or anything like that but I'm susceptible to ulcers so I have to take that stuff...but historically, I really don't.

There's an over the counter, prilosec and it's real name is omeprazole. This prescription I got was that times about 10.

Ummm, no.

Never again.

I had my first official panic attack yesterday. I have thought in the past that I was having one but nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I felt like I couldn't breath, my heart was racing and pounding. I wanted to scream to escape the fear that took over me. It was awful.

So then I looked at the side effects. Panic attacks are not one of them but...I looked the medication up and review after review stated that people went into panic, went to the hospital, got off of the stuff and are still fucked up.

Like I said, never again.

But also, the side effects that it is known to cause? Yeah, Lupus, osteoporosis, total depletion of B12 and D, along with some others.

Again...no.

I am going to have to start being very, very careful about what I eat. 

And just, for the love of the Gods, be healthy.

I have to take care of myself.

I'm still waiting to get back results on one of the tests, I made my CT appointments for next Wednesday. The only remaining one to make is the sleep study but I don't know if I want to do all that.

I hardly slept last night but you know, a couple things. I always wake up around 2 and I wish there was something fast acting but that had a fast lifespan too because if I were to take a hydroxyzine at two in the morning, I wouldn't wake up until 9 or so and I'd be groggy and just awful.

I didn't take any hydroxyzine last night. I won't take it for days in a row because of the effect it has on me emotionally.

I don't think I'll take it tonight either. I'd rather get a good night's sleep on Friday into Saturday.

But as I get older, I want to be away from home less and less. 

Once in awhile is fine but not to go sleep in some clinic and have them give me weird drugs to try and then have to get up and go to work.

Um, no.

When I look back on this year, it's been a hard one.

But here I am, still standing.

Trying not to fall asleep while standing but standing none the less.

Ok, something weird. 

Last night, right before Pumps made her nightly visit for love (usually around 2:30AM), I'm laying there, having just before woken up and I swear to God, something touched my butt. It wasn't the blanket, it felt like someone poked me in my butt cheek.

I'm serious.

I'm totally serious.

I mean, maybe I was still half asleep, but when I looked, there was nothing there. It had to be one of the cats right?

I've never had a ghost vibe in this place. Never.

Anyways, that's where things are at today.

I'm ok. 

Happy to have my other meds, can't wait for them to kick in and take the edge off of these rather large emotions I've been having this past six months or so.

I always used to say normal is boring and it is, it is, but you know what? I could go for a little boring right about now.

I hope you all have a great day.

Today's short:

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Results

Good Morning!

Well, I gave in and took a sleeping pill last night. I'm OK this morning. No fitbit but I went to bed by 7:30, it was still light out and I slept until 5.

So that's good. I know I got in at least 7.5 hours. 

What a difference. 

So I went to the doc yesterday and more bloodwork which was surprisingly good.

I have to have two CTs, one for lungs and one for everything from my neck down to the pubic line.

And I had a test to see if I still am fighting something else and if I am, to see if it has progressed. I'm waiting on those results but it may be a few days.

My BP has gone WAY down. Naturally.

Overall, my cholesteral is good but the LDL is a tiny bit high. Iron levels good, but ferratin just the tiniest bit low.

I have to have a sleep disorder study too. This is not for apnea. I already know I have that. This may give some insight on how to help me with the insomnia. My doctor pretty much told me that the next thing to do medically is take a hynotic, such as Ambien and I won't do that because I've had episodes of sleep walking in my life and one of the times, I ended up across the street, in my night gown, barefoot in the dead of winter.

Yup, not willing to encourage that again. People with sleepwalking are encouraged NOT to take hypnotics for sleep.

I have a friend whose been on Ambien for years but she has a husband there who can keep an eye on her. She's literally had whole conversations she doesn't remember, etc.

No thanks.

I mean, happy it works for her with only very infrequent episodes but I always get the weird side effects. If it's weird and it's abnormal and rare, I will get it.

Anyways, all good for now. Couple more results and a couple more tests and I'll know squarely where I sit with my health.

This was so worth it.

Ok, have a great day everyone.

Here are my latest shorts:

Be Blessed, everyone of you!!

Love & Light,

Neecie