Detaching Sometimes Gets You Through

 

Hi Everyone,

It's a frickin' no sleep, poopin' morning. Lovely.

I have to be honest, I'll probably go back to sleep for an hour or two. I'm so drained.

Ummm, yeah, so many things going through my mind but the past is the past; there is no shoulda, coulda, woulda in any of this.

So if I go delinquent on my rent, I will get charged 10% of my rent per day for 10 days and then they begin the eviction process.

This is bad.

I'm OK. 

All I can do is keep moving. I am so detached from this, I have no choice but to face it but I am detached. I'm trying not to feel any of this.

My daughter has a place to stay and it was offered to me to come there too. The cats could be there but I don't think there's actually a room for my daughter and I to stay in so I might have her stay there and like I said, I am so in I give no fucks whatsoever mode that I will stay in my car. The back seats drop and I can put a litter box in the trunk so Grey and Mocha can access it.

And you know, hopefully this won't be forever. 

I know this is how this happens and where it starts but...you know, I always say that I'm Denise MF Johnson so time to put that to the test.

I'm not going to cancel my gym membership again because that's where I'll be showering, etc.

The one thing I can't default on is the loan I took out because they have a lien on my car so at this point, it's just about paying my bills and if I live in my car for awhile, I can save money.

When I let this sink in, I get sick so it's just straight ahead, plow through, jump into it and don't think about it.

Looking back, I see it all so clearly. But that doesn't change what is now. I take full responsibility for this.

I think I used my 9 lives up and now it's me. It's all me. And maybe that's what Mom was trying to really say in the dream I had of her.

The dreams I've had about both mom and dad both seemed to indicate that I'll be OK.

I'm gonna go with that.

I did apply for a lot of jobs yesterday. I just don't know why no one calls me back. It's so frustrating. 

Here's the video I published today.

Ok, I'm out. I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Facing Things

 

Hello Dahlings,

Ugh, another shitty day. It really snowed last night and it was gorgeous, except that I had to drive in it and it was dark and stupid me got on the highway.

I spun out at least twice on the highway, saw the few other cars that were out, spin out and one almost smashed into me. 

Then I spun out again when I turned on to the street my daughter works on. Well...she doesn't work on the street, lmao. You get my meaning.

But I took backroads home with no incidents.

Beautiful...but deadly.

I don't know what to do at this point. I think I better talk to my apartment manager and tell her we'll be going through the eviction process so she knows. 

I think I should sell as much of my stuff as I can as well so I can at least keep up on my bills.

So I guess we'll begin this too.

I need to find a place for my daughter and her cat to go because I'm gonna hang out in my car.

I just don't even care.

All this financial shit. It's one thing when you can stay on top of it, but a whole nother ballgame when the chips start to fall and they aren't falling in good places.

I have to face this so I'm thinking today's the day.

I know they'll ask us to leave early but I have so much "stuff" and I'm really going to get rid of as much as possible but some of it will have to go somewhere. I am hoping I won't have to lose everything.

So. I did apply for a few jobs yesterday and I have already applied for 2 today.

I think it's OK to give up for now and to focus on what needs to get done in the apartment.

This is going to be really, really hard but I got this. 

And so, I will come back tomorrow and tell you how this all goes.

Posted this one yesterday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nights Don't Work For Me Anymore

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday though. I started out great but then quickly went downhill. I got in over 10 job apps though before the pfffft.

So there's that. I've applied for one this morning.

I had a weird experience last night. I woke up at 3 and couldn't back to sleep so I got up and I felt physically anxious if that makes sense. My mental state was not one of my anxiety but my body was feeling it big time. I felt all the strength drain out of my stomach and legs and then I couldn't breath. It reminded me of when I had the bleeding ulcer.

I was going to call 911 and then I decided not to. What I'm about to write is going to scare some people and it's not meant to scare anyone. I'm not planning my demise, not at all. I'm still here trying. But here we go. I didn't call 911 because I looked in my daughter's room and she's going through so much because of all this shit too and I just thought, "If this is a heart attack, or a stroke, or a bleeding ulcer, maybe it'd be better to let it happen." I felt like, if this is it, I'm ready.

So I went to bed.

And I woke up. LOL, here I am. Another day. And I feel fine. I checked my oxygen level and it's 98%. My body doesn't feel sick like it did last night. My legs are intact and good.

Just some weird thing I guess. Not sure what it's all about.

And I ended up taking a second edible because at that point, I realized I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep on my own and I was going on just under 4 hours of sleep at that point. It took about an hour to get back to sleep but I woke up with 8 hours and 29 minutes of sleep in the bag and that's great.

No dreams.

I had a dream a couple nights ago, I call them flash dreams. Did I write about this already? I don't think so. I was in and out of sleep and I was at that place where you're mostly asleep but still close to wakefulness and I kept seeing different women dressed all in black. One looked like a puritan and she was screaming, one had more of a witches dress on and her black hair was flowing in the wind and she just looked at me...those are the two I distinctly remember but there were at least 5 different women I saw. And then I saw a litter of black puppies in a pile on this really green, fresh grass. They were in my backyard in the dream, even though I don't have one in real life. There had to be at least 10 puppies. They were in a pile, too little to really go to far and they seemed happy, like it wasn't a bad thing.

Usually, I can fairly quickly ascertain the meaning of my dreams but this one has me stumped.

Black symbolizes the unknown, the unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, rejection, hate or malice. The color invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a lack of love and lack of support. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.

To see a woman in your dream represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or your mother. Alternatively, a woman indicates temptation and guilt. 

To see a litter of puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

To see green grass in your dream suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. 

So you can see why this one is weird for me. And there can be several different meanings depending on the content or overall feeling of the dream. The women weren't bad or in danger. Now as I'm writing, I feel like maybe they are representative of me and different aspects of myself.

I don't feel like the women represented temptation or guilt. Of course, they put temptation in with woman. Could someone cut us some fucking slack?

The rest of it, I just don't know.

But I'll think about it.

I call these flash dreams because they are literally only a flash of a dream, maybe one second long but they leave an imprint. The dream I had of Dad was a flash dream. But these dreams are incredibly vivid. I can tell you everything about the dream about Dad and would take way longer to describe it than the length of time, the dream was there.

But yes, I don't do so good at night anymore. I don't like night anymore. Too much stress at night. At least during the day, I can try to lie myself into believing we'll be OK but at night...torture.

I'm trying you guys. I am going to start throwing shit out and offering shit up for sale; my new furniture all of that. 

I'll let you know when it's available.

But it will be this week.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Possible "Fixes" NoNo

 

Good Morning!

I only got 5 hours last night but since giving in and getting some edibles, I'm at least sleeping that in one chunk with few wakeups.

So today is doable.

Ok, so yeah, we're gonna lose the apartment. I have until Saturday to pay the rent so miracles can happen but I think maybe we're beyond that and I have to sit in that and accept it.

It doesn't mean I will stop looking for a job. I plan to spend much of my time doing that today.

I keep having these moments where my chest gets so tight and it's scary.

It's stress.

I'm trying. I'm also trying to stay off my phone again, off of FB. It's dragging me even deeper into the abyss that is stretching out before me.

I was talking to my sister about my struggles with certain jobs I've had and then I was talking to my bestie yesterday and I realized something.

Now don't get me wrong, in my lifetime, I have blown so many wonderful opportunities...usually because of my addiction issues but many of the jobs I walked out on, all the reasons I gave were bullshit. Most of them, it was because I was getting close to being "found out." What I mean by that, is that I start to fail at jobs, sometimes quickly, sometimes much, much later. But it almost happens. I get scared of new tasks, I get overwhelmed by some of the daily stuff...and I freeze. I do this in every aspect of my life, it's not uncommon. I don't want to do it, for whatever reason, and I freeze. And my output suffers and I know that a firing is coming, so I walk. And I create all sorts of reasons. Even this last contracting job, all I had to do was sales but that comes with so much pressure. Because they watch your numbers and who you bring in and it was so overwhelming.

Should I have stayed? 

I just don't know.

One of the things that came up in a conversation I just had, is the self-sabotage thing with jobs mirrors exactly what I've done with relationships in my life. I'm going to leave you before you leave me. And I find all sorts of justifications and the such. 

Some of them are legit but seriously, I have so much respect for my bestie. It took her almost 3 resumes, out of that, only 11 interviews and 9 months to get another job. And she stayed in the one she was miserable at the whole time. And she doesn't like the one she's at now either but there she is and she's staying put until something else comes up. Why do I struggle so much with being able to do the same?

My point is, I need to learn to push through if I hate something. And I think with the right job, a permanent job, that I can do that.

I just need to convince these employers of my worth. And I guess I need to start believing it myself.

I just applied for yet another county job.

And I just talked to my sister. Which one?  I have 3.

Yes, that's right. I have 3 sisters.

So I talked to one of them.

Ok, well, listen. 

I'm trying not to bury my head in the sand here. The only thing I know to do is to keep trying and just...see what can happen here.

I need to stay busy now. Now is go time. Now is just suck it up and push through girlfriend.

So, this day needs to be full of it all. 

I think I can do that...for one day.

But I have to stay focused and that's not easy for me.

So here I go. 

Believe. Faith. 

Stay strong.

Buy lotto tickets.

Got it.

Annnnnnd I'm out for today.

I know not everyone reads my blogs either but if you're someone I'm close to, talking about this doesn't help. I won't take phone calls right now from anyone other than my sisters, my mom, my kids or my bestie.

I don't have time.

And I don't want to talk about possible "fixes" anymore, I just want to know if you have job leads. And you can text or message those to me.

I can't do it.

It's way too stressful.

I hope you all have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Difference Between Choice and Frozen

Good Morning,

Well, another night of little sleep but I'm OK. Deciding to give myself permission not to worry about a job or even look for one yesterday was a massive relief. Not feeling those drops of adrenaline when I think about it, not feeling sick to my stomach, being able to breath...what a difference.

Constantly living in worry and stress, it's not good. Eventually, it'll kill me before my time; either because it ruins my physical health or because I finally give in to that desire to be with mom and dad.

I need joy, I need peace.

And yesterday, I experienced some of both.

You know, sadly, it did not affect my sleep for the better.

But here I am this morning and I feel alright.

A huge, massive thank you for the support I got regarding the shooting and posting of a new video to my YouTube channel.

See, why can't I feel that kind of joy at a job?

I don't know.

Not all of this can be my mental health shit, some of it is just how I'm built ya know?

But whatever.

I had a good day.

Here's the vidoe:

What a difference it makes, attacking things you've been putting off, not because you feel you have to but because you are allowing other things to fall by the wayside, if even for a day or two.

So, yeah.

Ummm, I don't know what's in store for today other than dropping my daughter at work and later meeting up with my sister.

Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting another friend for breakfast.

Things are OK.

So in between dropping my daughter off shortly and then meeting my sister, I don't know what the day holds. I have made no decision this morning, other than to meditate and do my Wim Hof breathing stuff.

I don't know anything right now. I just know that yesterday was like this oasis in the desert of stress and anxiety and yeah, shame too about this situation.

Today will be cloudy but warm and then we have 6 days of absolute bullshit weather. Cold temps, some rain, possibly some snow. Absolute bullshit.

I am having some thoughts about my future too and the fact that I'm actually considering it, even though it's out of my reach currently...it fits with "me."

And I'm not gonna write about it just yet because it still requires me to find a job and pay off all my debt and then to power save.

It might take me two years to make this goal and it's one that the cats would be affected by. They'd be with me so that's not the issue but Grey is going to be 16 shortly and I have to take her health into consideration.

So really, it just hit me yesterday that if I struggle so much to fit in that stupid ass box I've been writing about, could I do it for a year or two knowing that I'd be getting the fuck "out" of it would be coming?

There's a lot to think about here.

I might have a new dream folks; one that is attainable.

We shall see, we shall see.

On that note, I'm just gonna get going and see how this day unfolds; no must do's, no have to do's, just choices.

It's so much easier wanting to have to do things as opposed to being frozen in place feeling that I have to do them.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Once Again, The Box

Good Morning!

And it is.

Each day the sun shines through, I don't know, it somehow makes things feel less burdensome. I guess that's a word because it didn't get the red underline.

I type really fast and so I often times come back and read my blog and my spelling and/or grammar is all fucked up.

So I apologize for that. I'm not an idiot, I'm just to lazy to go over it before I hit submit and then once I see my mistakes, I'm too lazy to fix it.

Lazy girl.

So I'm not sure where this blog is going to go. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but other things came up and I actually, in spite of no fucking sleep again, feel energized and I have to run with that. But I am having so many "thoughts."

Some of this may get nasty, some may not. I don't know. Cuz I'm having feelings too. I'm not angry, I'm just annoyed that some people are the way they are and I have no control over that.

Let's start with control. I learned in AA, and it's one of the things I agree with, that we have relatively little control over anything.

Politics. No control. But this shit is fucking torture, at least for those of us who don't believe in how things are playing out.

And some people I know are like, "I don't want to talk about it." And I agree. I give a shit but this stuff is fucking with me completely. And I have no control over it. Saying that we have to stay informed? Why? At this point, I'm serious. Why? Reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it, it's a motherfucker and it fucks me. 

I don't want to get fucked anymore. I have no control over any of this. Show me what to do, prove that it'll be effective and I'll do it but don't fucking come at me all upset about this shit because I don't agree with it either but I'm saying this and I'm saying it loudly, "It is tearing me apart. It is turning me into an angry person again and I cannot and will not do this anymore."

I'm going to a fundraiser with my sister tomorrow and so that's doing something. But I refuse to engage in conversation or to read shit that only serves to instill fear. Call me ignorant. I don't fucking care, then I'm ignorant. I'll do what I can, what is within my control but the rest of it...tell me, those of you who worry and get so upset over this shit, what is that doing for you? What part of that serves you and makes you better or stronger?

Next bitch.

This job shit and this losing the apartment shit and having my credit about to go down the toilet? Yeah, I give a shit but it's the same thing. I'm applying for jobs. The only delivery service available to me right now is Instacart. I don't want to do it. It will not save the apartment but it will get us food and gas and maybe I can stay on top of everything other than the apartment so I'll do it. 

But I can't give too big of a shit about all this either because it's not for lack of trying. I have good days and bad days with it but I am trying. I am doing.

Either I'll get a fucking job or I won't.

Let's talk about sleep.

Without the details, because let's face it, I talk about it constantly on here, I don't get much. On very rare occasions, I get sleep. Yay for me.

I am currently on a 3 day streak of not sleeping enough and it does affect my ability to do stuff. Brain fog and physical exhaustion is a real thing. It is. I'm owning that. No one knows what it's like unless they too, deal with it. 

It is probably the single worst thing I deal with because it affects my ability to deal with any of the other big things.

Social Media. Fuck social media. It's a cesspool. I could go on a huge rant about it but I've done that too. It serves no purpose and honestly it serves no place in my life. I hate it. It's turned me into a zombie who only knows how to scroll and scroll and scroll. That week I went off of FB? I felt better. Fuck this shit and the things people are posting. I get that they care but even the people who I happen to agree with? I just...what is posting on FB going to do? What is it going to do? Nothing. It's so fucking stupid.

Certain humans. And I use the word "human" lightly. Man. It's not a matter of knowing certain things about certain people because nothing surprises me anymore. Like, I know who these people are. And I don't let them upset me by what they're doing so much as trying to figure out, "why? Why are you like this, don't you see how you are and what a puke of a human you are? You are damaging the very humans you are supposed to be caring for." Not gonna go into detail on this one but only bring it up to say that the things one person in particular is doing to...I'm gonna stop there. 

I have no control over that either. None. He's a piece of shit. He chooses not to see it. In fact, he doesn't see what a piece of shit he is. He's horrid. But again, I have no control in this situation. I just hope that I'm still around in the future and that I get a chance to try and be a positive influence in certain people's lives and to love them unconditionally and help them heal from what is currently being done to them.

I have to let go.

The other thing is harder. It's this "in the box" thing. I don't know how to express how real the box thing is for me. Most people acclimate to the box. I have tried yet the harder I try, the less I sleep, the less I am able to move forward and do any of the things I want to be doing.

Let me just say this. I need to focus with all my might on getting my daughter to a place where she is 100% independent. She is working towards that. But. 

I will never have money for retirement. I will never own a home. I will never be someone who has wealth or security or the status quo. 

I have been fighting who I am for so long because there is shame in not being able to conform. It's not a matter of not wanting to, if I could I would.

But I was built the way I am. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this, always worrying about how I'm going to afford to live. 

This is killing me, living like this and while I will not willingly put an end to this, I am now at a point where I just can't wait to be with mom and dad. Because this constant struggle of trying to fit into the box will finally be at an end.

What I've been doing for much of my life...is living in shame of the fact that I just don't fit into the box. 

And I'm an anomaly because some people live unashameably outside of the box but while I crave being free from the constraints of society, I also like some of the securities that come with living in the box.

My life, and myself, is a conundrum. 

I am someone who can't be defined because I'm all over the place.

And I'm stuck too because I'm still sortof caring for someone else. Someone I love and can't just walk away from.

Or run away from.

Because I love them.

So today, fuck the list, fuck getting a job, fuck it all.

Today, I'm gonna do me and I have some ideas of what that will look like but I just can't take the stress anymore. It is eating me up inside.

I cannot and will not discuss any of this, other than writing about it. I know so many love me but they want to help me fit into the box. I don't want the box and saying that...it's a huge relief. It feels like validation.

This is my truth and it has nothing to do with getting on meds or getting help with sleeping or changing my perspective.

There's a line in Stairway to Heaven where Robert sings, "There's a feeling I get, when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving."

That has been my whole fucking life and it is who I am. I accept this.

I'm not giving up on finding a job, I'm not giving up on any of that bullshit but I do not, and will not, discuss this with people because we are shaped from birth to get in the box, to know the box, to believe in the box, to live and love in the box, to fear leaving the box.

I am going to live the rest of my life from the perspective of getting, and staying, outside of the box. It may take baby steps because I do have a realistic view of money and not relying on others to fix my shit. I do. So I'm sure I'll run back to the box now and then but it will always be from the point of view that it's a necessary evil for now.

And just know, that I know how much people love me. I'm not angry at anyone and I expect nothing from anyone but their continued love. I am grateful for the people in my life. I understand their concern but their concern...it doesn't help me either. Just love me. Just love Denise.

That's what I need right now.

I cannot discuss politics. I cannot discuss the box. I will pray my ass off for the person I wrote about above, that he becomes "real" just the like the Velveteen Rabbit did. In many ways I hurt for him because he was precious to me once and I see him now as damaged. I realistically know though, that it's up to him to see it, without shame, and to see how the damage is harming others and to want to heal. I will be there for the people he continues to hurt.

But I will also live my life.

Just for today, I am living outside of the box.

Just for today, I will do whatever I do, because it's what I want to do. No pressure, no shame, no self-judgement.

I simply cannot do this the way I've been doing this...this stress and this constant fear and worry. This is not me.

So I hope you all have a great day.

Do you.

And be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Do or Do Not

Hi Guys,

Wow. I am so tired. I mean, not enough sleep but also, I had a dream about Dad. The dream was like...2 seconds long because I woke up from it but in that short time, we connected and there were symbols and he expressed his love for me.

I have been crying ever since.

The message was to stay strong and to keep going and to let love win.

And...of course, to let me know he loves me.

I can hear my daughter crying out from her bedroom. She's been having nightmares lately. If it continues, I'll go wake her.

So with all the tears, I am just utterly exhausted.

It's just been so long since I've seen him, my Dad. 

It was beautiful and so needed.

But again, and I'm sorry to sound like a broken record, I'm exhausted. I'm also emotionally spent at this point.

I'm not sure how to get through this day productively but I'm gonna try. 

And that's all I've got.

I'm gonna try.

Stupid fucking phone interview today but we are past the point of fixing this and hanging on to the apartment so I kind of feel like saying fuck it, why bother.

But then...Dad.

Stay strong...keep going.

I want to curl up into a ball and keep crying but I guess I've done that already. Two of the cats were worried about me and came to offer comfort. 

I am obsessed with my cats and I want another one. I want a boy for Pumpkin to play with.

I just feel like being reckless but I would never get another kitty when all of this is going on.

Ok, well here I go to try. 

Yoda said, "No, Try not. Do or do not, there is no try."

Here I go to do...something...anything.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie