Ground Zero

Good afternoon,

I have kind of reached Ground Zero with what I’m going through. I’m sick of myself, but I have not been sick of myself enough to try and step up and change things. When this happens, it just happens so quickly, but it seems like each time I fall back into the depression or the inability to move, it gets worse. I have to nip this in the bud. 

It’s going to take something that I don’t have which is persistence. And perhaps a bit of willingness. I’ve talked about how making change is uncomfortable and for some of us, it’s emotionally painful. But it is not impossible. I think if I can just accept that, this is going to have some pain, you know, making even the simplest of changes at this point, is going to be painful, Then perhaps I can suck it up and do it. And I’m literally 100% sure that in the doing of these things, I will find that some of them don’t hurt at all. That I just had to push myself. 

I used points for a movie today and then I didn’t even go.

Sadness, disgust, heartache, all the things I feel about the world right now. Those feelings aren’t going to change reality. They are not going to change what is. Can someone be happy when the world is unhappy and crazy and violent?

I guess I’m going to find out.

That’s really all I have for today. I did speak with my Bestie for a couple hours and I did have a phone conversation with my sister and I’m grateful for both. I love my people.

I hope all of you are having and will continue to have a good day.

Go in safety, love& light,

Neecie

Inner Peace

Good Morning!

Oh big surprise, I am struggling again. Struggling to get going, struggling to wrap my head around human beings, struggling.

I wish I felt safe saying everything that is in my heart. Everything. But I don’t, because the world is not safe. Because what I have to say would piss off all sides of what’s going on. Nothing is black and white, but I am reacting as if it is.

That’s so sad and I think that’s what is hardest for me and all of this is that we think we are free, but really we are not.

So today, I don’t care. I’m gonna do me. I’m going to love Denise. Denise comes first today.

I truly believe that all inner peace comes from letting go of everything we cannot control. I am one person having one experience. Even if the universe waved a magic wand and made me president, I would be wrong on many things. I would like to think that I would try to direct this country in a way that benefited all, but really, it would be coming from my experience.

You cannot make everyone happy. And that’s where this division started. You have people who want 100% their way and there’s no give.

It just doesn’t work that way.

At least today, I am able to have some say in what goes on in my life so I am putting down my phone. And I’m gonna do Denise.

And so, on that note, I hope you have a good day.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Ummmm...so When Are We Going to Do Something

 

Hello Folks,

Just going to put this out there, this is going to be a vent.

I'm literally crawling out of my skin right now. 

Look, I live in a suburb of Minneapolis and unless you live in a cave without Wifi, you know what down yesterday. But it's not even just that, there were other things that went down too.

This stuff is enough to drive a person crazy.

I could go on and on and on but I will let the people who are good at that, do so.

My point is, the outside noise is now louder than the inside noise and I'm at an internal standstill. I need to get a new license as mine expires this month. My car has not had an oil change in 2 years, I've just been dumping oil into it.

That leaves me with not even enough to pay the rest of my bills let alone my rent.

I can't fucking take this shit anymore.

I am at a point where...it's not good.

Am I applying for jobs? Yes, I am applying for jobs but trust me when I tell you that there are not many out there that pay enough to make my budget. Trust me when I tell you that ageism is a thing.

It's fucking terrifying what's happening with our economy. 

Honestly, take away my debt and it's still completely fucked.

But "affordability" isn't a thing and I have heard both sides of the political arena complaining about it. It's valid, it's officially "a thing."

And our country? When actually put to the task...fucking pussies, all of us. On both sides and even those of us who are no longer willing to align with any party.

It's unbelievable.

It's a nightmare.

So yeah, I'm going to cut this short because anger and fear are taking over again.

I'm going to go to go do something of value, even if it's something as simple as a walk or even a nap if only to forget all of this for a brief moment.

You can't make this shit up. 

I would say what I think a lot of us are wanting to say but...you know.

Gods save our country because it's going to hell fast.

Do what you gotta do folks.

For now, I will no longer say Be Blessed, but rather, Go In Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Making Allowances

Good Morning!

How is everyone today? I hope you are all good! If you are in MN, please be careful. We’ve got ice, LOTS of it. 

I send warnings out to my kids and my sister now. I have to much time on my hands now so I overthink things and I worry.

They all said they’d be careful.

I’m having a really hard time making any movement today. Crying. Feelings of hopelessness. Feelings of why even try? I don’t know why I cycle through this shit the way I do. I don’t even care why, I just wish it would stop. 

But I digress. I had a pretty good day yesterday. I stayed busy. But I realized some things; my idea of what I can get done in certain timeframes is WAY off. 

And I need to just suck it up and get out of bed. It’s so comfortable, lol. I want to just lay there!

And also, making allowances.

A friend of mine texted on her way home from work asking if she could stop by and I was so happy. Of course I said, “Yes! Com’on over!”

She’s going through some stuff. I could see it written all over her and coming off of her. Sometimes, when someone you love is really hurting, you wish so badly that you had a magic wand. That you could just whoosh all the bad stuff away.

But still, I was so glad to see her and it made me happy that I was someone she wanted to see when she was hurting.

I’m a lot less rigid about making the allowances but it’s also easier to make them when you’re getting things done otherwise.

So today, I’m going to hit what was left on yesterday’s list and if I can, I’ll get some of today’s done.

My 40th high-school reunion is coming up in August and that brings stuff up for me. The whole comparing myself to others thing. I have to let that go. I talked to a friend about the reunion, she’ll be here for it. I really hope I can convince my bestie to come too. I miss her so much.

Alright, well I am meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and she’s a talker just like me so I need to get some things done today.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed and Carry On!

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Practical Side

 

Well, hello there.

How is everyone? Back to work I suppose for many of you who were able to take time off for the holidays.

The human part of me is grateful it's not me. The practical side knows it would be better to be going back.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

I had a good day yesterday. I know I did some stuff but I'll be damned if I remember what.

I do have a very extensive list for today.

I am also currently timing my morning routine so that I know exactly how much time I need in the mornings to get ready before walking out the door.

We are at about an hour and a half right now. This includes everything; a walk, a mini-workout (I rotate days - weights, abs, weights, abs, weights and then reverse that the next week), skincare, haircare, getting dressed, feeding the cats and giving them fresh water, cleaning out their boxes, meditation, my breathing exercises, getting my food together and of course, blogging. Oh, and shooting a short.

So an hour and a half isn't bad. I will have to add in more time if I get a job where I have to look professional; just a quick make-up and hair sesh...up do's are quickest for me.

It's better than I thought it would be, being the ritualistic little girly I am.

Anyhoo, after that I have a list and I'm just gonna go until 5:00PM, which is when I will time my evening schedule.

It's going to be the same for every week night, except Wednesdays because I am going to start rollerskating on Wed. evenings because the music on Sunday sucks.

I feel good today.

I feel like I got this.

So here we go.

I hope you have a good day too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

"Up There"

 

Good Morning!

Well, yesterday's post is a great example of when I'm "up there" as I like to call it. Lots of energy, but no knowledge how to use that to my benefit. I'm not bi-polar so I have no idea what true mania feels like but days like yesterday, I assume it's sortof like a mimic mini-mania.

I don't like that feeling and it could be because I have leaned towards the morose most of my life and that it's much more comfortable for me to be a negative Nelly instead of a positive Polly. In other words, I can't handle being happy.

Happy is not my comfort zone. 

But then, you know, I've talked about experiencing this feeling of being content and peaceful and that to me, is a better kind of happiness. It's calmer.

That kind of happy I like but yesterday felt frenetic and kind of cray cray.

I also have ouches. 

I just cannot keep my hands off of myself.

Of all the weird mental health shit a person can have, and I do have, why did I also have to get this one? When I get a job with health insurance, the first thing I am going to do is to see a dermatologist. I would imagine at least one of these wounds will have to be lanced off and packed with antibacterial medicine.

It's that bad.

Ugh.

First paycheck I get, once I'm working again, I'm getting nails. It is literally the only thing that helps.

Anyways, I experienced a bit of a crash yesterday. I ended up napping and thus, did not sleep well last night.

But I also need to not be hard on myself because I did get some things done, things that needed to get done.

Something is better than nothing.

I am very, very close to having all my projects around the apartment done.

Yay.

I can't wait to report on that, that will feel amazing. Denise followed through on not one, but many, things.

Yay, rah, woot woot.

Whatever.

Ok, so I'm excited for today. 2nd Christmas! Back to my sister's to celebrate with my daughter and her husband. Second Christmas in a row that she has been sick on Christmas, but it's something to look forward to.

That, and of course, my sister's cooking. I don't know...she may have me beat. Girl can cook like a MF'er.

Yeah baby.

I'm going to go some things now. I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Looks On My Face

 Hello There,

Oooooo, the sun is out and let me tell you, it's a cold bitch out there but that sun man!

Yaaaasssss.

I knocked it out yesterday, setting those intentions.

I have more for today.

I just went for a walk down the halls of my apartment building. Still have my airpods on; blast from the past - Bay City Rollers, Oh Marlena. 

Everyday when I blog, Pumpkin comes and sits next to me. She's very interested in this whole computer business.

And know I'm dancing in my chair: Mary Jane Gang, My House. That song was controversial when it came out, cracks me up.

I'm happy and hopeful today and I think it's in part that I really got so much done yesterday and I got amazing sleep and the sun is shining. It's so much easier to have a good attitude when your house is clean and organized and you are accomplishing things.

Here's my short for today. 

The looks on my face for these shorts always cracks me up.

Ok, well, whatever this good juju is, Imma run with it now.

Hopefully, I'll still be feeling this way tomorrow and I'll be able to report much of the same.

Alright, you all have a good, productive day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie