New Reality

Hello,

You guys, this month has, well I should say the last month so December and January, have been the worst months of all of this. I just cannot seem to move. Maybe one or two days I’ve had a great day and the rest is all this conundrum of depression, fear, sadness, confusion, feelings of being overwhelmed, hopeless, and helpless. It’s hard times right now.

I was talking to someone today and he said to me,” In all times of peace, it was proceeded by war and horrific acts.”

And he is so right. And it scared me all over again, but to be truthful, this is someone who has the same beliefs I do and I do not broadcast my beliefs because the bottom line is people are already convinced, and they believe what they believe. I am someone who wants to know the whole story, I am someone who wants to look at all the facts before reacting emotionally. That is something new for me, it really is. I went through DBT therapy to learn how not to react from a place of emotion But as close to analytical thinking as someone like me can get.

And that pisses everyone off unless they’re like me. There are very few people I can share this with because of the heightened beliefs and reactions in vitriol and hate.

I am scared. I am scared for people. I love and I am scared for myself. I am scared for this country. It’s OK to say that I’m scared. It’s OK to admit that to myself. False valor and bravado will not get me anywhere. There may come a time, and it may come sooner than later, that I will have to take up arms and do what I have to to protect me and mine and when I say mine, I am not just talking about my family, my property and my animals, I am talking about my friends in my community.

Man has always been at odds with man and man has always strive for power and control and glory in battle. It sends me because we are so capable of grace, love, empathy and kindness, but those are rarely traits that are celebrated. I don’t think it’s weak, I think it takes so much mental strength to error on the side of decency.

All the things going on right now are very highly charged things, they evoke emotions like fear, and I have talked about fear before and what happens when we react from that place. But none of that matters if people are unwilling to face that about themselves, none of that matters if people are unwilling to compromise on some of their beliefs, and I just don’t see that happening.

I am scared and I am worried and I am finding my place in this.

But in this time, right now, I have to survive, and I have been hanging on desperately for months now, trying to pay my rent, trying to have food, trying to pay my bills, and I need that to change. I have made peace with the fact that I will be getting a second job, and that that second job will go towards my credit card debt, my personal debt, and the one big loan that I have. And as soon as those things are paid off, I will quit my part-time job.

This has to be my focus unless I am put into a position where I have to fight and I have to fight now and I will fight if it comes to that. I will fight. I will act on the side of decency.

I am probably not going to just miraculously not be scared anymore, but I do think that what this has all done to me is not good either and that it’s almost like in a way I feel like I’m fighting for my life right now because my mental health is so bad. 

At the end of the day, as long as my kids are OK and I have my cats with me. Then nothing else fucking matters. None of it; not the debt, not an eviction, none of it.

That’s all I have today because today was yet another day of very little movement forward. And I can’t take this anymore. And the place that I am at with everything going on right now is not the place that most people are at, most people are divided, and I’m one side of the fence or the other. I am not being ambivalent, nor do I have my head in the sand. I am paying close attention. I am doing what I feel is the right thing to do, I’m taking baby steps in that, but I’m Denise and I’m just finding my place in this new reality.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Potentials

Good Morning/Afternoon,

Trying here! Trying to push through. It’s so sunny I almost don’t know what to do with myself. I woke up at 3 last night and started thinking about everything going on and I just cried. It’s so sad. I felt so safe as a kid and even into my adulthood, you know, regardless of who was President, even if I didn’t like them.

But no more.

Not safe at all.

I finally got back to sleep at around 5. It’s good to cry but not to dwell. 

I did, for anyone who started wondering the same thing, talk to my apartment management today. I wanted to know since we are a secured building, if a certain group of folks demand entry, will they give it to them and then, if they do, and people don’t answer their doors, will they provide this group of individuals access to actual apartments. I was told yes, they will let them into the building but no, they will not provide access to individual units.

So you should ask.

Also, it was brought to my attention that in some cases, they’ll pull the building fire alarm to try and get people out.

If the alarm goes off, you should contact management immediately.

Just thought I’d throw that out there.

You guys, who thought it would come to this and who thought it could ever come to what it potentially will.

But potentials are the unknown. Be aware and prepare as best you can is what I would say.

And live your life the best you can.

Interview is at 2:30 today.

I need this part of my life to be over soon. Please send good juju, prayers, light, what have you.

I really would be so grateful for that.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Little Rewards

Hi Everyone,

Miss LazyAss 2026 here.

That’s my special talent. Lazy Assedness.

I have an interview tomorrow. At least I think I do. She emailed me at day’s end giving me options and I chose tomorrow at 8:30 but she never responded. So I guess we’ll see if my phone rings.

But I’m sure she’ll email if not.

I’m preparing. 

Our weather here is pure shite. Day after day of clouds, most days it’s warm enough for melting, followed by a freeze at night or the next day, maybe peeks of sunshine but not much.

Last week, I met with a friend for coffee and she is just so precious. Today, I took part in a zoom type call that some friends of mine do monthly but that I have skipped for months. I’m glad I participated today.

I have been participating in very little of late.

Next Saturday, I’m going to see Wicked 2 with two of these gals. I have to figure out where to see the first one. 

I read the book and I saw the broadway production but now it’ll be the movie. On February 6th, I’ll be going to see Dracula 2025. I can’t wait.

Little rewards. The big ones will come.

Little.

And deep breaths.

And love myself…me…Denise.

Alright, I gotta go. 

Just wanted to check in.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Ground Zero

Good afternoon,

I have kind of reached Ground Zero with what I’m going through. I’m sick of myself, but I have not been sick of myself enough to try and step up and change things. When this happens, it just happens so quickly, but it seems like each time I fall back into the depression or the inability to move, it gets worse. I have to nip this in the bud. 

It’s going to take something that I don’t have which is persistence. And perhaps a bit of willingness. I’ve talked about how making change is uncomfortable and for some of us, it’s emotionally painful. But it is not impossible. I think if I can just accept that, this is going to have some pain, you know, making even the simplest of changes at this point, is going to be painful, Then perhaps I can suck it up and do it. And I’m literally 100% sure that in the doing of these things, I will find that some of them don’t hurt at all. That I just had to push myself. 

I used points for a movie today and then I didn’t even go.

Sadness, disgust, heartache, all the things I feel about the world right now. Those feelings aren’t going to change reality. They are not going to change what is. Can someone be happy when the world is unhappy and crazy and violent?

I guess I’m going to find out.

That’s really all I have for today. I did speak with my Bestie for a couple hours and I did have a phone conversation with my sister and I’m grateful for both. I love my people.

I hope all of you are having and will continue to have a good day.

Go in safety, love& light,

Neecie

Inner Peace

Good Morning!

Oh big surprise, I am struggling again. Struggling to get going, struggling to wrap my head around human beings, struggling.

I wish I felt safe saying everything that is in my heart. Everything. But I don’t, because the world is not safe. Because what I have to say would piss off all sides of what’s going on. Nothing is black and white, but I am reacting as if it is.

That’s so sad and I think that’s what is hardest for me and all of this is that we think we are free, but really we are not.

So today, I don’t care. I’m gonna do me. I’m going to love Denise. Denise comes first today.

I truly believe that all inner peace comes from letting go of everything we cannot control. I am one person having one experience. Even if the universe waved a magic wand and made me president, I would be wrong on many things. I would like to think that I would try to direct this country in a way that benefited all, but really, it would be coming from my experience.

You cannot make everyone happy. And that’s where this division started. You have people who want 100% their way and there’s no give.

It just doesn’t work that way.

At least today, I am able to have some say in what goes on in my life so I am putting down my phone. And I’m gonna do Denise.

And so, on that note, I hope you have a good day.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Ummmm...so When Are We Going to Do Something

 

Hello Folks,

Just going to put this out there, this is going to be a vent.

I'm literally crawling out of my skin right now. 

Look, I live in a suburb of Minneapolis and unless you live in a cave without Wifi, you know what down yesterday. But it's not even just that, there were other things that went down too.

This stuff is enough to drive a person crazy.

I could go on and on and on but I will let the people who are good at that, do so.

My point is, the outside noise is now louder than the inside noise and I'm at an internal standstill. I need to get a new license as mine expires this month. My car has not had an oil change in 2 years, I've just been dumping oil into it.

That leaves me with not even enough to pay the rest of my bills let alone my rent.

I can't fucking take this shit anymore.

I am at a point where...it's not good.

Am I applying for jobs? Yes, I am applying for jobs but trust me when I tell you that there are not many out there that pay enough to make my budget. Trust me when I tell you that ageism is a thing.

It's fucking terrifying what's happening with our economy. 

Honestly, take away my debt and it's still completely fucked.

But "affordability" isn't a thing and I have heard both sides of the political arena complaining about it. It's valid, it's officially "a thing."

And our country? When actually put to the task...fucking pussies, all of us. On both sides and even those of us who are no longer willing to align with any party.

It's unbelievable.

It's a nightmare.

So yeah, I'm going to cut this short because anger and fear are taking over again.

I'm going to go to go do something of value, even if it's something as simple as a walk or even a nap if only to forget all of this for a brief moment.

You can't make this shit up. 

I would say what I think a lot of us are wanting to say but...you know.

Gods save our country because it's going to hell fast.

Do what you gotta do folks.

For now, I will no longer say Be Blessed, but rather, Go In Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Making Allowances

Good Morning!

How is everyone today? I hope you are all good! If you are in MN, please be careful. We’ve got ice, LOTS of it. 

I send warnings out to my kids and my sister now. I have to much time on my hands now so I overthink things and I worry.

They all said they’d be careful.

I’m having a really hard time making any movement today. Crying. Feelings of hopelessness. Feelings of why even try? I don’t know why I cycle through this shit the way I do. I don’t even care why, I just wish it would stop. 

But I digress. I had a pretty good day yesterday. I stayed busy. But I realized some things; my idea of what I can get done in certain timeframes is WAY off. 

And I need to just suck it up and get out of bed. It’s so comfortable, lol. I want to just lay there!

And also, making allowances.

A friend of mine texted on her way home from work asking if she could stop by and I was so happy. Of course I said, “Yes! Com’on over!”

She’s going through some stuff. I could see it written all over her and coming off of her. Sometimes, when someone you love is really hurting, you wish so badly that you had a magic wand. That you could just whoosh all the bad stuff away.

But still, I was so glad to see her and it made me happy that I was someone she wanted to see when she was hurting.

I’m a lot less rigid about making the allowances but it’s also easier to make them when you’re getting things done otherwise.

So today, I’m going to hit what was left on yesterday’s list and if I can, I’ll get some of today’s done.

My 40th high-school reunion is coming up in August and that brings stuff up for me. The whole comparing myself to others thing. I have to let that go. I talked to a friend about the reunion, she’ll be here for it. I really hope I can convince my bestie to come too. I miss her so much.

Alright, well I am meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and she’s a talker just like me so I need to get some things done today.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed and Carry On!

Love & Light,

Neecie