Childhood Besties

Good Morning!!

Here I am; different day, same shitoka.

Except that I had some happy feels yesterday.

I met one of my two childhood besties for coffee. She bought some of my bath bombs. I’m so grateful but I’m also grateful for the friendship. We’ve seen each other through so many of life’s changes.

We got all caught up. It’s good to know that others can make it through hard things too and that we can be supportive of each other.

And there was some laughter too. I have always said I should write a book about the shenanigans that were my childhood. We had fun. And while there are many things about my past that I would love to be able to change, I would not change my childhood with her or Lisa. Because like I said, we had fun. We were complete and total little shits, but…again, the fun!!

After coffee, I ran home and picked up some more bath bombs and made a delivery to a customer who reached out on a Facebook post. I did not actually meet her face-to-face, she left payment at her door, and I dropped the bath bombs off there.

I’m so grateful because I can put that in the bank and know that some of this money came from me creating something, which is what I love to do.

I strive for gratitude in my life, you know having gratitude, and when it’s just the normal kind of cycle, it can be kind of hard, but this gave me something extra to be really grateful for.

The job is going ok. I’m slowly starting to “get” stuff. Learning is always the hardest part for me and I’m hoping the “click” with some of what I do, comes quickly.

So off I go to shower, shite and not shave.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I hope your day is wonderful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Feel Good

Hi Everyone,

Oh man. Just…oh man.

I felt so sick yesterday after eating my dinner. I did go to sleep on the couch and then went right to bed. I think I go in at least 9.5 hours of sleep and I do not feel good today. 

I can’t breathe.

Yikes.

I’m going to take a coolish shower. That sounds good.

Obviously, I will go to work.

The bankruptcy thing is fucking with me. I can’t get the attorney on the phone and I have questions; important ones and I’m working myself up about it.

I’ll try one more time and then I’ll make an appointment with someone else.

The good news is I’m selling bathbombs.

I posted them in marketplace, which got me no bites but then I posted them on a Twin Cities page and although no outright sales, I’ve got people interested.

So that’s amazing.

But…still not feeling so great.

The only way through is through.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make the apartment clean.

Wow. So do not feel ok right now. I feel nauseous. I’m sad too. With that kind of sleep, who knows how many weird dreams I had. They could be lingering. 

And I mean, I’m depressed for sure. That hasn’t changed.

I’m meeting a friend to drop off bathbombs tonight. I’m excited about that.

Something to look forward to.

Ok. Well I’m going to try to clean as much as I can before getting ready for work.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cool Temps

Good Morning!

Happy Monday.

I got up at 4. That wasn’t intended but I was up and I was a little anxious about the fact that I start earlier now. Just want to make sure I’m there on time.

I started cleaning out my closet. It’s a mess and I need to get it reorganized. I meditated and I did my breathing stuff. I made my protein shake and am drinking it down now. 

I’m relishing the temps right now because we are not yet having to have the air on.

As long as it’s 60 or under, I can put my fan in my window and it cools everything off. I need to get a fan fo the living room and my daughter’s room. Anything to avoid the air for as long as possible.

I’m gonna go ready in a minute and then any remaining time, I’m going to work on my closet and email the attorney to ask a question about having a co-signer.

That needs to happen this week.

It has to or we won’t make rent.

Not with that asshole loan payment coming out.

I have an errand to run this morning too so…

It doesn’t end, lol. There will come a time when I can slow down.

So my goals this week are to continue focusing on the now, to stay in gratitude as much as possible, to stay up until bedtime and get as much done in the time I have before bedtime.

One of those things includes exercise; nothing elaborate, just something so I’m building up all the strength being a slug through all of this.

Alright, well it’s already 5:30 so I guess I’d better move it.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Coincidences

Hello there,

I started this post yesterday. 

So one of the things I did last week was set up my checking account so no payments could through even if they were 1cents under but somehow my loan payment went through which means a ton of things are going to overdraft.

I want to freak out and I want to numb out somehow.

I want to feel sorry for myself so let’s just do that for a moment and get it over with. Why me? I’m fucking trying here. Is the Universe out to get me? Why can’t this be over? I’ve already acclimated to so much that goes against what I had hoped. Fuck.My.Life.

And now the solution. Suck it up buttercup. Don’t lay down, don’t stop what you’re trying to do today. Before this happened, I saw another cardinal. Believe. Have faith.

But stay firmly planted in reality.

Breath deep. Keep going. I do have some cash so I can get gas and garbage bags.

I need both.

Exercise is free.

Trump isn’t yet charging us for the air we breathe.

Ok. Yeah, keep going even if you have to cry through it.

Ok, now we are at today. I made it through yesterday. Things slowed down quite a bit for me but I did keep going and believe it or not, I did not let that ruin my day.

I got my bathroom and bedroom cleaned. I spent time with my oldest daughter. Those moments, time with my kids, I cherish.

You guys, I slept for 10 hours last night. Yes, I took the hydroxyzine.

But just...wow.

Today I'm gonna shoot for cleaning the rest of the apartment, for getting some food because someone who loves me sent me some $$ for this week.

I'm going to make a call today about getting an co-signer for the bankruptcy payment plan, It's luckily very small with no interest so I am hoping someone will say yes to doing that for me. This has to happen asap so the loan payments stop. I won't be able to pay rent with this.

I'm also going to apply for some more part time jobs.

And maybe dye my hair.

So much gray.

And my gray? Yeah, it's not beautiful.

Something weird happened today. A fellow tenant here where I live approached me about my smoking. He vapes. But he wanted to share how he switched over and how much less it costs...now, I won't go that route. I want to quit. I don't want to trade one expense for another even if it's less but that was very kind of him.

However, we had quite the chat and this guy? He's spooky smart with computers, websites, manufacturing, 3D printing and he told me...if I ever need customized molds for my bathbombs...he can make them for me.

You guys, it would be HUGE to have something that no one else has.

I'm not saying I'm going to jump in and offer him $$ to make something now but there are no coincidences. None.

I keep saying to Dad, show me. Show me this plan you had for me in the dream and I don't look away from anything now because I might miss something.

This is fucking huge.

Also, clearly, Dad was sending a message about smoking too.

I need to calm down though, because my mind is racing...of course my mind is racing; it's what it does.

So chill and let's get on with the day, shall we?

This week, my intentions are to find a co-signer, file the bankruptcy, get some small form of exercise everyday, work on my sleep and get the apartment cleaned and reorganized...again.

I did get rid of one bag of clothes yesterday and my daughter is having a little garage sale so I got some throw pillows to her for that sale...I had so many on my bed, it was ridiculous.

I want less now...I don't need probably 25% of the shit that is here.

Ok, I'm out for the day.

I hope you all have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What’s In Store

Hi Guys,

Ah! Saturday. I don’t sleep well. I’m ok though. Today will be busy.

Very busy but I have much I want to get done. I can’t change our $$ situation all at once but if I can get all I want to accomplish today done, then I’ll go into my work week ready.

And hopefully, that will include finding a part time job as well. I’m not thrilled about that but it is what it is.

I’m onboard.

In doing all of this today I know how I’ll wake up tomorrow, I know I’ll feel so much better and I’ll feel freed up to go out there and discover what the world has in store for me.

My sister came out yesterday. We had dinner and then she came over here and we watched a movie. My mind is still going, going, going and I struggled to focus on the movie but it was really, really good.

I highly suggest it. It’s called incredibly bright creatures.

Watch it now, thank me later.

Alright, well here we go with this day.

I wish you a brilliant one!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dusk to Dawn

Good Morning!

Friday. I will say this; one thing that is easy to be positive about today is that it’s Friday. When I’m not working, Fridays are hard for me because it’s the day that everybody’s excited about because the weekend is coming. But for me, it was just another day. So I am happy to be happy that it’s Friday.

That’s a great feeling.

I am still continuing to stay in the present because I don’t know, the last month or so, has been this running shit show of the past in my brain. I do have a brain that wants to self sabotage. I do have a brain that feels comfortable in chaos, even though I hate it.

The past is the past and yes, it went by like dusk to dawn.

But it’s gone, the past is gone. So when those thoughts come up, I have been telling myself, no. That is over, that is done. That is not who I am now.

Retraining, my brain to understand that I deserve good things and I deserve peace in my life is very, very difficult.

I really don’t want chaos.

This week was a good learning opportunity for me because I did go back to past patterns. I got home from work and did nothing all week, well, OK I did some things. But not a lot. And I went to bed so early and one thing about this hydroxyzine that I’m taking is that I have slept.

But next week I start at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to 930 and I really need to acclimate myself to being on a schedule. And into making some effort in the evenings.

I can’t sustain going to bed at five or 6 o’clock every night and being in bed for 12 hours.

My sister messaged me yesterday and I asked about her dog. I think I mentioned in a prior blog that she wasn’t doing so well. I honestly was filled with joy when she responded saying that she’s doing very well, meaning her dog. Little chatty girl.

Good news is good news and it’s another thing for me to feel positive about. This dog is just so sweet and I do feel bonded to her in spite of the fact that I don’t see her often.

When I look back over the last couple years, there really has been lost. My son‘s cat Maple, followed shortly by his dog trout. My sister lost her other dog, trickle. And the biggest one of all, being Mom.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? It’s weird being the elder now.

OK, well I think I just need to get through this day and try and do some things tonight and try and have a productive weekend and come up with a loose plan/schedule for next week so that I can start really trying to move forward.

Oh, so I work in a really bad neighborhood and yesterday, I saw a drug deal go down. My boss said that this guy cycles around the area every five weeks or so. He literally pulled up right in front of the window facing the street from my office and I watched the girl in his car get out and go to a car that pulled behind them and I saw the exchange. 

Again, it’s just trusting the process here and I can handle that. I guess in a weird way, it’s another thing to be positive about. At least that’s not me.

OK, well I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ensuring Failure

Hi Everyone,

Well. Y’girl is just…for the most part I’m still lost in my depression but I continue on.

The job is fine, the $$ is not.

Wah wah wah, sick of talking about $,$,$.

I read this thing last night that said the ecenomic situation is only going to continue to get worse.

That sent me spiraling.

I have to stay off my phone.

I also need to fucking stay up when I get home from work. I was in bed by 6 and didn’t get up until 5. It’s depression, it’s avoidance.

I got on the scale and it was horrible.

I have to stop.

Everything I do and think is geared to ensure my failure.

I have to stop.

I’ve gone to overthinking everything to not to thinking at all.

But I have gotten up for two days in a row and gone to work and that’s a good thing. I’m up today and will go to work and that’s a good thing.

I feel the cats and that’s a good thing.

I’m going to apply for 3 jobs this morning. Two part time and one full.

I’m still looking at full time jobs and will only apply for the fulltime ones I really want, not out of desperation and any part time job will do. 

Just show me the fucking money, ya know?

Alright, well the present dictates that I have shit to do and so I’ll do it and I’ll try and stay up this evening and do something, anything.

The sleeping pills I take are really small but I’m going to get a pill cutter and see if I can cut them in half. I think that will help with the zombie state of things.

On I go. I am grateful as fuck to be working.

So there’s that.

I hope y’all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Paul