My Truth

I thought I’d wrote another post tonight because I have to get my head in a good place for tomorrow and I don’t want to waste any time. Every single minute will be accounted for tomorrow.

I’m not playin’.

I am just sick in my heart.

This is what hitting bottom really feels like. I’ve been here before, just before it was because a whole different situation, you know, my addiction.

This is a whole nother beast and I am navigating much of the same feelings; shame, guilt, defeat, humiliation, fear, self-pity, regret and remorse and grief. They are all there but also a new one; disbelief.

Like. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I mean this whole thing shows me the depth of my denial and my ability to justify so many damaging things.

I’m not done it would seem. There is more to overcome.

The good thing about hitting bottom, is that the only way left to go is up. I will know relatively quickly if that’s true.

If I make it through this without choosing the route I’m wanting to choose, as soon as I get a good job with insurance, I’m getting more help. I’m willing.

I can’t seem to get there on my own.

Would I like that opportunity? For sure but I’m in enough emotional pain as it is and if don’t catch a break, a really big one, there’s going to be even more pain and I’m too old. I’m too tired. At least I know my limitations.

I think we’re good for tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok for tomorrow. But I gotta stay busy.

I can’t stop.

I gave in and bought myself a notebook to write down my daily schedules and to journal this fresh hell I get to walk through. The outcome remains to be seen.

I have only myself to blame. I mean…the Universe made me this way so there’s that. But even so…

It is what it is.

Tomorrow I stay busy.

Have a good one.

D

Debbie Downer Got Me

Good morning,

Oh man, yesterday was bad. And yesterday ended up being a sit on the couch, full on ugly, crying, self pity, kind of day.

It’s so hard when you do genuinely want to fix everything and the universe, sometimes it really does feel like it conspires against you.

That’s the self-pity part you know, why me? Why not me. I lived a lifetime a bad choices in every aspect of my life that a person can make bad choices. And I really thought I had hit bottom with the financial piece and just genuinely want to learn how to accept life for what it is and what I can and can’t have and understand that no one deserves to have anything, but if they work for it, they can have some things.

And I become willing to make the payments and do the work and just keep going, but the universe just keeps throwing shit at me. I don’t believe this is my karma. I believe this is life and I know that had I made different choices in the past, we would not be sitting in this situation right now. When I say we, I mean my daughter and I and our cats.

That’s the problem with bad choices is that it so often times pulls other people into it. That has never been my intention and I want so badly to be in a place where I can fix this stuff but you look back and you can’t help but see that you have had so many opportunities and you chose not to.

Looking back on the past and saying, I wish I would’ve never done that. I wish I would’ve got my shit together sooner. All these things, they don’t matter because I didn’t do them then. And I am here and I am dealing with this now.

Yes, I had a pity party yesterday. That horrible pain in my back came back and I don’t have insurance and I can’t apply through the state. Everybody and their brother wants to tell me what to do, but none of it is practical.

I don’t expect anyone to help me. Because what I wish for, could never happen. There’s no one in my life that could do that for me and there’s…. I don’t know, I’ve given up on wishing. Wishing doesn’t get you anywhere.

I’m just tired.

I’m tired of struggling all the time and I don’t want this to be the rest of my life.

I can’t have as many things as other people have. I probably will never be able to. I’ve given up the dream of ever owning a home, I’ve Given up a lot of my dreams because at my age, they are no longer achievable.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t have it in me to just let the bills go and to go into a state of, what do you call that when you don’t pay your bills? I just know I don’t have that in me to go through that. I’ll take myself out because I can’t. I can’t do it.

But I don’t know if I can continue to fight either. Because I need some kind of break. You can’t make people hire you. It’s so competitive out there right now. You can’t make the lottery number picker pick you. I don’t know.

I don’t have any answers right now. I got nothing.

My head, which is always spinning with ideas and plans and thoughts, it’s empty. Like I said, I got nothing.

So what does that mean for today? Well I’m gonna take the money I had towards rent since we’re not gonna make it now and I’m gonna pay my bills. And I will try and work through the back pain and make some bath bombs. It’s all I have right now. It’s all I have to offer.

And if that’s not good enough for the universe, well then fuck you universe.

It’s literally all I have.

I’m sorry for a downer of a blog but believe in honesty, and I believe in sharing what I go through so that if I somehow make it out of this, I can share that with you all. We are not, as far as I know, we don’t ask to be born. We just are. And unfortunately, we are born imperfect. . And we journey through this life the best we know how. I don’t believe that the ultimate choice, which is to take yourself out of it, is a sin or as bad when you weigh the consequences to others by you being here. I don’t want other people to stress because of me and I don’t want other people to feel like they have to help me and I don’t want other people to struggle because of me in anyway. 

Again, I’ve had a lifetime of that.

And I’m not there yet. At this point, it’s an option. It’s just an option.

And I just have to be honest about that too.

These are the things I’m thinking and what’s going through my head and some of it. Yes, is self-pity. Again, the why me? And the answer to that, again, is why not me.

So there you have it, that’s where I’m at today. My back is fucking killing me. Someone did send me some money for groceries and did write on the message, no cigs, lol. So I will spend it all on food as we have none right now.

I hope you all have a good day. I really do. I’m just gonna do me and try to get through it and maybe tomorrow I’ll have a different perspective.

People in AA used to say don’t leave five minutes before the miracle happens. Well, it’s been more than five minutes. But we’ll just see what today brings.

Be blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Walk I Will

 

Hello!!!

Well, I did indeed knock it out of the park yesterday, that's the good news. The bad news is that from the standing in one place while making the bathbombs yesterday, that weird upper back pain is back and it frickin' hurts.

So today, I'm still gonna hit it but each thing I do will be followed up by 15 minutes of chair massage, 20 minutes of heat packs, 20 minutes of ice. I'm going to do some yoga too. The weird thing about this is that it doesn't hurt when I'm walking. So walk I will.

There is much to be done today and I'm going to force myself to do bougie bath and I'm gonna put about a gajillion cups of epsom salts in that bad boy; anything that might help with the pain. Now is not the time to slow down.

But it is the time to figure out what will help my back the most.

Just swim.

God, that might actually help too. I'm not sure if the county I live in has any community pools but the town I grew up in does. I might have to go for it.

I haven't meditated today, which throws me off a bit because I always start my day that way. But sitting still hurts.

Oh. You know what I just thought of? So I should make an oil that might help. I have camphor, menthol, peppermint and eucalyptus essential oils. I could make a blend and put that on each repetition I do of the chair, heat and cold.

I have this thingee that I got off of amazon a couple years ago that looks like a back brush for the shower but it's got a flat surface and that's how I get lotion on my back. So I can use that to work in the oil.

Cool. It's as good as done.

I don't have too much more to say right now so I guess I better get up and just get going.

I hope you all  have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Shift

 

Hello and Happy Black Friday,

Not me. I mean, happy day but I'm not giving into the pressure of "black friday" and all it's perceived benefits.

I have my own benefits to reap.

I've shifted; a couple days of bla and blues and now...I've shifted.

My sister and I have had talks about the shift and what it is. I really don't know how to describe it in other terms. It's when I've been in the hum drums of the status quo and I'm not happy, not motivated, pretty much not anything and then...something shifts.

I feel better, I feel happy, I feel motivated.

That's where we are at today; the shift. I'm just better and I no longer question this, I simply run with it.

I had such a precious thanksgiving. We did not do the usual fair as far as cooking. My son hosted and we had a ton of pizza and cheesebread and snacks and desserts. He covered it all. And our family was together.

And it made me happy. It humbled me and I was, and continue to be, so grateful.

And today man, Imma roll with dat.

I hit 600 subscribers yesterday and woke up this morning and I am at 603. That's 4 subscriber in one day. Thank you to the kind souls who did that.

More to be grateful for.

And I am. I really, really am.

So today...we'll roll with things and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about it.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

You know, I used to question whether I should even celebrate this day. Because what it’s based on is a lie. It was a narrative based on something that we don’t even know if it was true or not.

I believe the original Thanksgiving happened and perhaps people did have good intentions, the people that were there. I have no idea.

One could spend an entire lifetime being completely baffled by history and the way we treat each other. But I have chosen to spin my own narrative on this day itself without taking history into account because I live my life daily in a way that tries to spread love and acceptance and equality for all. 

I just try as hard as I can to focus on what I’m grateful for. I try to do that every day, but on this day, I choose to look at it as a culmination of all the things I am so grateful for.

Today, I will be with my family and that means everything. My son is hosting and I think that that is absolutely fabulous. Yeah, I am grateful we will all be together.

As a family, we have suffered some pretty heavy losses in the last couple years and being together is important now. More important than ever.

I posted the final gratitude short on my YouTube channel. I need one more subscriber to get to 600 subscribers. My tiny little channel has grown this year and for that, I am so grateful.

Here is today’s post:

I hope you all have an amazing day. If you have worries, or you toil, or your heart is heavy for some reason, my wish for you is that you could let it go for one day and focus on what you’re grateful for. It’s hard. I am in tears as I write this, but I am going to try and focus on gratitude. I am going to enjoy the time with my family. 

Again, happy Thanksgiving.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Much About Much

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for the no post day or two. I just sortof deflated. Reality set in and I flaked out a bit. But I am OK now. 

It snowed! Finally.

Now it is feeling like Minnesota. While I wish we would've gotten more, I'll take it.

My daughter and I are gonna go play in it a bit later tonight. We have a park right behind our parking lot and I can see all the dogs going out to play in it. I wish I had a dog.

Whatevs, hopefully someday.

Somehow Yahoo became my default search engine and I had to go through a whole thing to get it off of my stuff.

Fuckin' technology man.

Anyways, I don't have too much to write. I'm off today. Not bad, but off and now is NOT the time to be off.

So anyways, just wanted to check in. 

Tomorrow will be the last day of my gratitude shorts. I am starting to get interactions in the form of comments but I think some of them are bots.

Whatever.

Anyways, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow so I'm out for now and I will be back then!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

Let Me Have My Moment

 

Good Morning!

Well, I got up and suffice to say I've been at it. Got all my regular morning stuff done, am blogging and will be moving on to Unemployment and job search.

Per the now norm, I won't write everything out but while job search needs to be a part of my daily routine, let's just say that if I do all I want to today, I can focus almost solely on job search for the rest of the week. So it'll be worth it to push myself today.

We all know I struggle with that but so be it.

Today I don't try, like Yoda I only do...no try.

I wish I could express the relief I'm feeling right now. Everyone is so quick to say, "you need to fnid a job."

I am aware.

But let me have my moment.

Let me sit in the relief and pride and feelings of accomplishment; let me reflect on what that can mean for me going forward.

And so that will be my day.

That will be my day.

Busy but on my terms and taking the time for so much gratitude and happiness in this moment of my life.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie