No Couch Attachment

Good Morning!

Ok, well, this morning I am having pain. It's not acute. I'm pretty sure this is the same pain I get from time to time. It's on the right hand side, just below my waist line and it's radiating to the same place in front. Me thinks I pulled a muscle while sleeping. I sleep in all kinds of strange positions, in an effort to get comfortable.

Also, gosh I hardly talk about this anymore, but instead of the IBS-D symptoms I deal with on the daily, I am constipated.

Huh?

That could be the cause of the pain too I suppose. So not the norm for me.

I'm forcing the issue with 8 glasses of water a day and I put the tiniest bit of limeaid in my water because straight water drives me batshit crazy. Plus I add magnesium powder to 3 cups of water that I drink daily and then I add one packet of electrolytes to another 3 cups of water that I drink and then...I drink one straight cup of water first thing when I wake up and I bring one to bed with me in case I wake up thirsty.

I had an interview this morning. It went well but I'm guessing I'm up against at least 50 people. And then there's the whole second interview thing, which drives me cuckoo. Can y'all just hire someone?

Ugh, I get it.

So hurry up and wait.

I guess on a personal note, I'm glad that I seem to be capable of movement again, not attaching myself to the couch the last few days. It's noon and I basically have 7 hours to be productive until I give myself my evening facemask, shower and read until bedtime.

I did not get up at 5 like I had hoped to this morning but I did get to bed at nine. The reason I didn't get up at 5 is because I woke up at 1:30ish and was up til almost 4 so I allowed myself to sleep in until 7.

When I got home from my interview, I met another of my neighbors. I saw him getting out of his car, so I introduced myself and told him where I live and let him know that he, his wife and their baby are welcome in my home.

He was so nice. Oh my gosh, so very, very nice.

We do what we can, where we can.

Alright, well, I could bitch about the scary things in my life...money, that kind of thing but why bother. We got some food finally. It's not a lot but should keep us for the week.

I hope you all have a great day. Freezing but sunny. If you can't bear to get out in it, by all means, stand in front of your window for a time, take it in, it's so flippin' good for you.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie
 

No More Mega-Naps

Hi Guys,

Well I start today's entry with good news. Someone I know who was fighting cancer is not only cancer free but finally got his feeding tube and chemo port taken out.

The Gods are Good!!!!!

Hail!

I am not just starting my day but I did only get 3 hours of sleep last night and I do believe I know what the problem is; it's called mega-napping in the late afternoon and drinking coffee after 3. Here's the deal. Coffee only affects my sleep sometimes. It seems that when coupled with a power nap, it affects me.

And so I want to stop both. I have a big list of to do's for the day but it's just a list. I've stopped giving them power. But if I have any actual goals for the day, it's to not napping and it's no coffee.

I could do decaf but seriously? Is it that deep and also seriously, that's just more money I don't have.

I feel good about yesterday and the fact that I was more active than I have been in awhile but I will say this too, man, am I hard on myself.

I'm focusing as much as possible on my wins.

I'm also forcing myself to go into stores to get food. This week I can only spend $20 on food so it's gonna be a lot of bean dishes but whatever. 

I'll be thin and farting!!

But my point is...I'm going in. No more pick ups. I know people my age who can't do what I can. I've talked about use it or lose it, ya know? I don't wanna lose shit.

So, yeah.

Interview tomorrow.

Movement and action today.

This week's intention word is action.

And here are my wins from yesterday:

I hope you all stay warm today. If you are out there on the front lines, take breaks to get in your car and warm up, stay hydrated, eat warm food and stay safe.

Have a wonderful day.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Finding Your Place

 

Hi Everyone,

So here we are, Sunday.

The days all run together when you're not working and you're struggling to maintain through anxiety and depression and what have you.

Tonight is a new moon. I finally went down the rabbit hole of what exactly is a dark moon and is it the same as a new moon and I think I'm getting a good grip on it. Tonight, I need to do ritual around what I want to manifest and bring to myself.

I'm out of so many supplies but not all, I'll just have to make do.

Anyways, guys, I am so proud of my state right now and how people are stepping up. Being a warrior looks different for everyone. We so often look to the ones on the streets, getting in the faces of the oppressor, being willing to physically fight if we must but I'll tell you what, I am seeing so many kinds of warriors, people gathering and creating donation centers, people offering rides and bringing food to people to scared to come out. Right now the only thing I am doing is keeping my phone charged and went I'm out on errands, watching. If I stop somewhere and I see a person of color, I watch to make sure they get out of and into their car safely, I have my phone camera ready to go. Yesterday, my daughter and I saw 3 city cop cars at a coffee shop and we turned around and went through the parking lot to try and detect if there was anyone other than real cops there.

You do what you can. 

I'm going to tell you something else that came up in a conversation I had with someone. If you have family members that are mixed, if you have family members that are LGBTQ=, don't write about or post it unless you have their express permission. You could potentially, even down the road, being handing them to certain groups of an unsavory nature.

Supporting people of color, supporting immigrants, supporting lgbtq+, is honorable but keep it at that. Let people who want to be out, loud and proud, choose that for themselves and even if they are, it's still not your place to assume it's OK to post about them without asking them directly first.

I feel a bit differently about protestors because they are there and know they'll likely be filmed or caught on camera. But specifics? Nope.

Protect your people; your family, your friends, your community.

Trying to find your place in all of this can be daunting. Write it all out, what are you scared of, what can you personally do and still maintain your sense of security and safety. It's OK to be cautious. For many of us, this is a baby steps kindof thing.

Maybe not your beliefs, those may strong, firm, unshakeable and non-negotiable but your actions can be a totally different thing.

I'm not an analytical thinker but I am working on it. And with analytical thinking comes strategic thinking. You have to define what that is for yourself and it may change over time but take those moments to think clearly or to release your emotions in whatever way you can. High emotion leads to bad things and we are all there, we are, but take time to rest, to temper those emotions and give yourself grace. You can be mad again and furious and ready to tear shit up and burn it down, in 5 minutes.

I'm saying take good care.

To our people out there protesting, loud and proud and in some cases, with hysterically funny humor...thank you. 

I hope to join you soon.

I hope everyone has a great day.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Katniss

You Up?

It’s 3:28AM. Per the norm this week, Y’girl is up. I’m going to try and get back to sleep and shall return when I wake back up.

Woke up a little after 8. Man. 

So. I think I deactivated my Facebook. I tried. I only want it shut down for the weekend.

I need to chill the fuck out. Like I’m having dreams of going Katniss Everdine. Little, chubby, old me…Katniss. Doesn’t quite match up. 

In addition to staying off my social media, I also need to stay off my phone.

It gives me agita.

I am going to do whatever I want this weekend and as selfish as this is, I’m going to allow myself to pretend that I’m ok, that this state is ok, that the country and the world are ok.

I will lose my shit if I don’t. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about dying. I’m not suicidal, no need for wellness checks. Just dying. Im trying so hard not to be fatalistic. Or dramatic. Keep in mind that I have a diagnosed mental health disorder that has BIG FEELINGS as one of its main symptoms and of those symptoms, anger being the most common.

Add to that, generalized depression and anxiety and then add to that an evil regime descending upon my neighbors; killing, abusing, torturing and well…are we really surprised that Neecie is having big feelings?

For the most part, I’ve actually gone numb. I have bouts of numbness followed by outbursts on my FB page, followed by numbness, followed by tears and visions of what they’ll do to all of us, followed by anger…you get the gist. Is it jist or gist? Looked it up, it’s gist!

Today I learned how to spell agita and gist.

I have agita, anxiety, tummy issues, you get the gist.

There you go.

Ok well anyways, yeah, the dying thing.

I’ve been making some deep dives into the what if’s. And I thought about people who are no longer in my life and I came to the conclusion that there really is only one person who, if I died, because of fighting the empire or just dropping dead of a heart attack, that I feel I owe an amends to and so I did that.

And my load feels a little lighter. There is one person I need to, not forgive, because I only bestow that on people who apologize and ask for it, but to let go of and I think I have painted her as this evil Medusa type character and if you want to know the truth, Medusa had some issues of her own, if you know the mythology. She wasn’t innocent, but she also didn’t deserve what she got.So I started by writing down some things, you know are there any good qualities? 

Because I haven’t sat down and actually given this a lot of time, so far I have only come up with one, which is that she can be hilariously funny, even wickedly so.

My goal is not to forgive, but to let go and I have talked about that many times so this doesn’t even need any more written about it for now.

So I think that energy is good energy and I think that’s a good way to have a weekend.

Sometimes when you are overwhelmed, you need to take yourself out of a situation if you can. Even the Samurai spent time each day in meditation. To think analytically and to remove emotion from situations is the best way to come up with strategy.

And so that’s gonna be the beginning of me finding my place in everything going on.

I hope you too, have a great weekend.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Shame Shame Go Away

Good Morning!

First of all, I’m getting a little more traffic over here and in my analytics, I’m able to tell that some of it is being generated from my YouTube channel, which continues to grow slowly, but steadily in subscribers. I just wanna say thank you for that. I struggle with so much shame you guys, so much shame over what I’m going through right now, and that this is nothing new.  I have this great desire to take care of business and get things on track, but it is at the mercy of money. The almighty dollar. Which let’s face it, if we’re honest, isn’t so mighty anymore.

Yet I continue to be filled with gratitude for the beautiful things people continue to do for me. I’ve talked about the fact that my life has been one of receiving. There is humility in a good way and gratitude with that, but there is also a shame. So I have to remember that when I do have money, I’m generous with it. Not stupidly so but I give where I can because it’s important. And it gives me kind of like a debit and credit situation in my head when I get upset or feel bad that people are helping me, I can remind myself while I did this for so-and-so when I could, and I did this for so-and-so when I could. It really helps. 

I did have some conversations via text because of the whole cleaning up my Facebook page thing. I cannot have anyone on there anymore who I don’t trust. My mental health is so all over the place right now, and I am just trying to heal, and find some strength to get through This part of my life, and the Facebook thing is so heinous and so is social media and I just thought I’m getting rid of anyone who feels unsafe. Some of the people I deleted, I will definitely still keep in touch with. I just don’t want them on my social media.

Anyways, today, I am hoping, praying for some kind of productivity in my life.

So on that note, I hope you all have a good day. If you are out there in public, please be safe.

And I wish you a wonderful day.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Tears

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday and last night were very hard for me. We are being threatened with the internet being taken away and you know…part of me thinks, “Well good. It’s become a trash pool anyways.” But we all know it would be a blatant attempt to spin one narrative and one only. 

If this does happen, keep your phone charged at all times, record everything.

I deactivated my old FB because I don’t have time to go through every single person’s page and try and figure out if they are someone I want on my page or not.

I spent the night in tears as I went through my current page and got rid of individuals I have loved deeply but now have had to get rid of.

People who have helped me. 

That doesn’t escape me. It’s horrific.

I just want to feel some sense of safety in a world that has become very unsafe.

I’m not so stupid that I think FB is safe just because I get rid of individuals.

Be smart peeps because the next steps are a shutdown of the internet, military and then they’re gonna come for “us.”

Those of us who dare to speak out and against. Those who are of color, those who are lgbtq+, those who have mental health issues or are autistic, developmentally challenged.

It’s bad.

My heart hurts right now.

So yes, I deleted people I know have opposing views, people who I don’t know their views, and I cried the whole time.

Life changed in a moment. It’s our turn.

But in spite of my fear, I would never say, “Tag, you’re it,” to anyone else. No one deserves this.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Direct Sunshine

Hi Everyone,

I’m sorry I keep either forgetting to post or post late in the day. Honestly, I forget. It’s weird. This kind of thing is happening more and more.

There’s to much going on in the world; the big world, this country world, this state world, this county world, my fucking world. 

Blah blah blah, fucking blah.

I did get out into the wide world today. I did get some of the bright sunshine directly on my face. It’s been awhile.

I don’t have much today. Everywhere I went, I saw Chinese Food places closed down and the stores I went into, I asked before I went in, do you support ICE?

What new world we live in. Each day brings more change. 

People are experiencing fear, change, anger, hatred - like extreme levels of it on a daily basis.

I have an interview tomorrow. I told the Gods I demand one of these jobs. I gave in and watched another NDE video and the guy was saying that you can demand what you want. You know, from the ones beyond. The ones who sent us here to live this strange deal called life on earth. Yeah, I sound crazy. I’m at the point where I’ll try any fucking thing.

Show me the money.

I’ll be back tomorrow AM, promise.

Until then,

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie