"Up There"

 

Good Morning!

Well, yesterday's post is a great example of when I'm "up there" as I like to call it. Lots of energy, but no knowledge how to use that to my benefit. I'm not bi-polar so I have no idea what true mania feels like but days like yesterday, I assume it's sortof like a mimic mini-mania.

I don't like that feeling and it could be because I have leaned towards the morose most of my life and that it's much more comfortable for me to be a negative Nelly instead of a positive Polly. In other words, I can't handle being happy.

Happy is not my comfort zone. 

But then, you know, I've talked about experiencing this feeling of being content and peaceful and that to me, is a better kind of happiness. It's calmer.

That kind of happy I like but yesterday felt frenetic and kind of cray cray.

I also have ouches. 

I just cannot keep my hands off of myself.

Of all the weird mental health shit a person can have, and I do have, why did I also have to get this one? When I get a job with health insurance, the first thing I am going to do is to see a dermatologist. I would imagine at least one of these wounds will have to be lanced off and packed with antibacterial medicine.

It's that bad.

Ugh.

First paycheck I get, once I'm working again, I'm getting nails. It is literally the only thing that helps.

Anyways, I experienced a bit of a crash yesterday. I ended up napping and thus, did not sleep well last night.

But I also need to not be hard on myself because I did get some things done, things that needed to get done.

Something is better than nothing.

I am very, very close to having all my projects around the apartment done.

Yay.

I can't wait to report on that, that will feel amazing. Denise followed through on not one, but many, things.

Yay, rah, woot woot.

Whatever.

Ok, so I'm excited for today. 2nd Christmas! Back to my sister's to celebrate with my daughter and her husband. Second Christmas in a row that she has been sick on Christmas, but it's something to look forward to.

That, and of course, my sister's cooking. I don't know...she may have me beat. Girl can cook like a MF'er.

Yeah baby.

I'm going to go some things now. I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Looks On My Face

 Hello There,

Oooooo, the sun is out and let me tell you, it's a cold bitch out there but that sun man!

Yaaaasssss.

I knocked it out yesterday, setting those intentions.

I have more for today.

I just went for a walk down the halls of my apartment building. Still have my airpods on; blast from the past - Bay City Rollers, Oh Marlena. 

Everyday when I blog, Pumpkin comes and sits next to me. She's very interested in this whole computer business.

And know I'm dancing in my chair: Mary Jane Gang, My House. That song was controversial when it came out, cracks me up.

I'm happy and hopeful today and I think it's in part that I really got so much done yesterday and I got amazing sleep and the sun is shining. It's so much easier to have a good attitude when your house is clean and organized and you are accomplishing things.

Here's my short for today. 

The looks on my face for these shorts always cracks me up.

Ok, well, whatever this good juju is, Imma run with it now.

Hopefully, I'll still be feeling this way tomorrow and I'll be able to report much of the same.

Alright, you all have a good, productive day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Setting My Intentions & Swearing

Well Happy Muthafuckin' New Years,

I struggle with shame over who I am and you know...I swear. It's one of the things I do. And...it's in my DNA, my makeup if you will.

So no more apologies for that. Be warned, I swear. I'm not for everyone and that's OK.

Ummm, so last night, I made the meal that mom made for us kids and I made my favorite Christmas time dessert.

And I watched Stranger Things.

It was epic. All of it. The food, the show, it was epic.

And today has no rhyme or reason to it, other than to simply set my intention for the year with actions. Everything I want to do this year, I am doing in some small way today.

We've got:

1. Physical - Exercise, Skin and Hair Care, and no picking. Also, all of the little things that I do that add up to better health; lymphatic massage, neti-pot, etc.
2. Mental - watching some ADHD videos, put one into effect today, will report later, meditation
3. Financial - Applying for jobs, updating spreadsheet for debt
4. Dreams and Goals: Organizing Willow's Whimsy file cabinet and making a new body butter, blogging, shot a short for YouTube
5. Cleaning: Just cleaning, whatever I get done, is just fine, but it's part of staying on top of things and staying organized. For me, a clean home equals a clean mind - meaning it fucking functions better
6. Downtime before bed (start going to bed at an earlier time again), reading, etc. no phone bullshit.

That's a little bit of everything I've been working on. 

Putting energy into all I hope to accomplish this year...into one day...to set an intention...that's a good start to what I hope will be a way less spastic year than this last one.

Okie, it's already 12:30 and things are moving along nicely but must keep going.

I hope you have a good day.

Happy New Year!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ouches

Good morning!

Well, I went through a couple nights of difficulty sleeping, but last night was better.

I’m going to bed later than I would prefer to, but I just can’t seem to fall asleep. Last night, it was 11 PM which is not horrible. When I woke up, I noticed that there was a tiny bit of light coming through the window. So I slept through, which is fantastic. 

I’m finally facing the fact, and coming to terms with the fact, that I am just not doing well.

I don’t think I will ever forget the time that Paul and I took mom to the doctor, after she had gone into memory care and gotten pretty sick and weak and had lost a lot of weight. They had taken her off of a medication she was on and we never did figure out why or what the justification for that was. But I remember the doctor asking her if she was feeling OK and Mom‘s response was,” This life is hard”.

It broke my heart. I think my heart is broken by a lot of things.

I don’t know what to do about that. I’m really struggling.

I was finally able to stop watching those stupid near death experience videos. They made me so mad! Why on earth would anyone choose to come here? And experience the kinds of things that some experience?

According to those videos, we choose the life that we’re living. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.

And so I think I need to stop trying to wrap my head around that. I think I need to wrap my head around being happy and aligning myself with what is and finding the beauty in it. Some days I succeed, and some, I fail, utterly.

I have got to get out of my apartment. I don’t have the money to go do anything fun but even walking around the mall, as long as I don’t bring my goddamn wallet with me. Because being stuck in this apartment is going to kill me. Literally. Too much time alone equals too much time in my head and we all know what I always say about that. It can be a very dangerous neighborhood up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, so I ended up stopping this entry to take a bath, I needed to chill the fuck out. Some days I just wake up on 10. It's a mess.

So I did full on bougy. I soaked and got everything all softened up and I did a sugar scrub, I pumiced my feetsies. Then I used this glycolic acid body wash I use to help with my ouches.

Speaking of ouches. I still have two that haven't fully healed but because I had nails, they did heal as much as they could. They aren't open wounds at all, but they still get crusty.

The last time I got my nails filled was right before my layoff so it's been almost a month and a half and they were so long. I can't afford them right now, ya know? Well, I got them off this morning. I always love when I first take nails off, because my god, I can type again. Fast.

But I'm already wanting to be at those damn ouches.

I have to be very, very careful. I'm going to have to dig deep and try my hardest not to do this. The nails won't come back until two things happen; one is that I'm working and one is that the fucking cigs are gone for good.

Anyways, after all that, one of my daughter's friends called me. She's been going through it and from time to time she calls me and we talk through stuff.

I'm proud of her.

And it helps me to get out of myself. I repeat, it is not healthy, me being all locked up in my apartment like this, day after day.

Aaaaand I just felt something like my nose was running and it's bloody. 

Ah, the saga never ends. It's because of the dry air. I'll do the neti-pot and it should get better. 

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Ok, so that was Pumpkin. She came up for some love and left you all a message.

She says Happy New Year!!

Since yesterday was Mom's birthday, I am going to make the meal I loved the most, the one she made for us one day. It was so random but it became a family staple. Mac n cheese, blueberry muffins and sausages.

Crazy.

But we loved it.

I also didn't make the plum pudding on Christmas Eve so I'll make that today.

And...just go to bed and wake up to a New Year that will hopefully be much better than this one.

Lots of positive changes and growth, better health, lots of love.

May the Gods favor me. And may they favor you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Hello Anger My Old Friend

Hi everyone,

Y’all, your girl had a day yesterday. Yesterday I got to experience some very big emotions and I also got to experience working through them as opposed to reacting to them. Or maybe I should say I got the experience of not reacting from a place of anger. 

You know, I have definitely been mad about things since getting the DBT therapy And I’ve been hurt and all the things, but I haven’t had the experience of escalating into rage in a long, long time.

It did not go to rage. I think I must’ve brought my barometer for anger down. This is a good thing. But it definitely was the first time in at least a few years that I’ve experienced it to the degree it went to.

Anger is normal. It’s an emotion. It’s a reaction. It’s human. I’m not mad at myself for getting angry and I don’t think I did anything wrong in getting angry. But I realized immediately OK, here we are, and I am pretty mad right now And what do I do with it.

You know, I used to react by puking it all over social media, by attacking the person that brought up the anger, or should I say their actions brought up the anger. The thing about that, is while it felt good in the moment, yeah, of course it hurt the person, but it hurt me too. And I would feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself because of my reactions.

And I guess somewhere along the line, some of the self-love stuff I’ve been working on, must be taking hold because two things were very clear to me yesterday; one was that I didn’t want to hurt the person whose actions made me angry, and the second was that quite frankly, I didn’t wanna feel it and I didn’t wanna hurt myself.

All this stuff may sound like a no-brainer to any of you normal people reading this blog but let me tell you, I am feeling very grateful right now for all the work I’ve done and I’m feeling a little bit of pride.

The situation that brought this on has not been resolved. But I reached out to people I trust, I vented. And I’ll tell you something about anger, it’s spurs you want to action because there were actions that needed to be taken, and I took them. I didn’t just wilt into a ball of self-pity because part of the problem had to be dealt with immediately and I did, I dealt with that.

I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the night before and so I allowed myself to take a nap and I cleaned up a few things around the apartment and then my Bestie called me and we talked for quite a while.

I wish I could bottle up our conversations because I think if everyone could have conversations like this, where you get to bitch and you get to vent and then you laugh hysterically and then you talk seriously about what is going on and how you’re gonna deal with it and then you laugh some more, then maybe you cry a bit but there’s all this acceptance and love and it meant a lot to me.

My wish for everyone is that they are afforded this. The universe may throw awful fucking bullshit at us, and I don’t always get that, but you know at least the universe also seems to throw a solution at us if we choose to take it.

So yeah, it was a day. I honestly have no plans for today. I’m just gonna kind of go through it and see where we end up.

That’s what I’ve got for you today.

I hope y’all all have a great day.

B Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Prime Rib

Good Morning!

How is everyone doing? Did you have a good, happy and Merry Christmas?

Christmas Eve was a wash for me. For the first time in 35 years, I was alone. Actually, probably for the first time in my life because prior to having children 35 years ago, I was with mom and dad or with friends.

It was depressing and I don’t recommend it. Next year, if the kids are all busy, I’m going to sleep over at my sister‘s house.

And speaking of my sister; My oldest, my youngest, and myself went out to her and my brother-in-law‘s place yesterday. My middle child, Rhiannon, has been fighting off the flu, she tested positive earlier in the week. So she and my son-in-law were not there.

We are going to have a second celebration a week from tomorrow out at my sister’s.

We had a really nice time. They had a whole layout of appetizers. We got there shortly afternoon, so we all kind of sat around and chatted and ate a bit. We did not do an official exchanging of the gifts, but rather, just sort of spread it out.

And let me just wax poetic for a moment over our dinner. Prime rib, mashed potatoes, broccolini and bread...and then a peanut butter cup pie for dinner, all handmade by my sister.

I can't even. As everyone started eating, you could hear murmurs of, "mmmmmm". That my friends is a sign of a delicious meal.

I also spent time yesterday with my brother, sister inlaw and niece on the phone. We got all caught up. We are a good family.

Mom was very missed as was Dad, but all of us? We made it, we're good.

I got some great gifts. A friend of mine surprised me a gift, which was so amazing and thoughtful. It came through on Venmo.

The fact that people think of me and do these things, wow.

I so want to be that person someday. Someone who does kind things for someone else just because.

So as far as a plan for today, I want to get over to Costco. One of my gifts was a year long membership. I need to get my card activated.

Job search.

Cleaning and shooting some long form videos.

Well...and exercise.

Next big thing to look forward to, in addition to a new job (thinking positive here), is my brother inlaw and my birthdays. We are the same age for one day!

I'm hoping to celebrate out there with the family on Saturday; sleep over and then I want to go to this Ice Festival over by my sister's on my actual bday.

That sounds like a good birthday.

Alright, on that note, gonna go do my thang.

I hope you all have a great day. Don't spend all your Christmas money in one place...unless you got a gift card of course.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Like...ALL of Them

Good Morning,

Well aren't I just little miss productive of late? Or, you know, this week anyways, lol.

I have been sticking to my eating plan, I've been exercising everyday and exceeding my step goal.

I've been doing job search, cooking, etc.

Yesterday, I finished one of the projects I've been working on. I'm so proud and relieved it's done. There  was one little faux paus as I bought the materials for this sometime ago and I wasn't able to find one major thing but it's the thought that counts and the main reason for the project, that's intact so....there you have it. I'll be uploading a short about that project on Friday.

My YouTube channel continues to grow slowly for which, as you all know, I'm incredibly grateful for. Last night, a gal reached out on facebook. She saw the post for my bathbombs. She wanted to buy all of them. Like...all of them.

This is a gal I knew in my junior high school days. We never hung out or anything. I met her once but she had quite the personality (still does, she's a hoot and very sweet), so I always knew if someone brought her up who they were talking about.

Anyways, I'm meeting her today, this morning some time.

Again, grateful. I tend to look at these things as miracles, blessings from the Universe, magic...like they're all in the same bucket for me.

So today is sortof just going over everything that's already done, wrapping the few things I was able to get for my kids, it'll be good.

I hope you all have a great day and if you celebrate this evening, enjoy.

Many blessings heaped upon you.

From me to you...

Love & Light,

Neecie