Weird Word

Good Morning!

Second day up by 4:30. My sweet spot seems to be going to bed by 9:00 or 9:30 and getting up at 4:30. 

I do have wakefulness again and I think it’s in part to all the stress.

But for now, things have eased up a bit.

I posted about sleeping with my cats and I have to tell you, when all 3 of them come up on the bed, it’s hysterical. Grey wants to be left alone by the other two so she gets as close to me as she can. 

But she straight up avoids the section of the bed that Pumpkin commands if she chooses to grace me with her presence, which is right up by my face on the edge of the bed.

Mocha will sleep or stand on the pillow next to me and once in a very blue moon, she’ll take over Grey’s spot on my hip. 

My awkward kitty. But full of love.

So I leave work at 4 and last night when I got home, the parking lot was closed for sweeping and I just didn’t feel like walking a gajillion miles to get home so I drove around. My girl E called and we ended up talking forever as is the norm for us.

It helped. People don’t know how much they help when they call and of course, that’s if I opt to take the call but for her, Beast and Kirsten, I usually do.

Some people start to go down the fixing me, or thinking they can, road and those people I can’t talk to all the time. Like there has to be some emotional preparation for me, lol.

Because it’s ok for me to resist what doesn’t fit but people seem to get mad about that.

But those three girls don’t do that. They let me be me.

And I guess, lastly, that my tummy hurts. It’s sicko. It has been for awhile. Nauseousness has become the norm.

What a weird word. Say it a few times; nauseous.

It’s kind of fun.

Oh I don’t wanna adult but then I NEVER want to adult.

I need an ice pick. For regular, in the freezer ice. It makes these bugs clumps in the freezer and it’s annoying.

I use it to make my shakes.

Bla bla bla.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Princess F*cking KickAss

Hello,

I don’t have a ton of time although it’s been a good morning. I got up at about 4:30 as there was no more sleep to be had.

Can I just say it?

Because you know it had to come to this. You know it always does.

I hate my job.

My boss was on vacation last week and of course I went to the hospital at about 1:00AM Friday morning. I was late to work but I made it in.

Yesterday, she gives me this speech about reliability. I gotta tell you, I almost told her fuck you. I’m at work everyday. I have not missed a ton and when I have, it’s been medical, as in hospital stuff.

I am reliable.

Fuck that.

Not owning that one and I told her so.

I just ignore her now when she does this shit and it drives her nuts.

Man.

Look…priorities.

I have finally figured out, and this was only yesterday, that I can only pick one thing to do for myself each night.

So.

Tonight it’s applying for jobs. There are several I’m qualified for at one place so I’m going to sit down at my computer and apply for them all tonight.

Nothing else.

Historically, I hate a job, I feel helpless and resentful and I split, creating a trail of chaos behind me.

Do I actually hate this job?

No.

But while I like my boss, I have to say that I don’t like certain things. I don’t like the hypocrisy. I don’t like being accused of being unreliable when my time off is for medical emergencies.

The borderline personality in me wants to give her the finger and a fuck you very much.

The only answer is to find a new job.

And that’s where I struggle. I keep myself stuck by refusing to do the things I need to do to get out of certain situations.

There is a whole psychology behind this.

And only I can change it.

Only I can change it.

So let’s say I do things the old way; I leave today when she says something annoying. I no longer have income coming in. I now have immediate consequences.

And who knows how long those consequences will take to turn around in my favor. Recent history has shown me it’s taking longer and longer.

I can’t do things the way I have done them.

Also, I still am not doing shit in the evenings.

If my priority is finding a new job, then I have to do that. Mornings won’t work. There are other things I wish to do in the AM.

So, Oh, I changed my name. Instead of The Help Me Girl, I am now Princess KickAss, the Get’er Done Girl.

So what exactly does a Get’er Girl do? She prioritizes and she keeps going. She sticks to the plan and adjusts only when life happens and she has to let go of her priorities for the moment. Being tired is not life happening.

So tonight, I am applying for every single job available with one company, it’s a Corporate entity, that I am qualified for and I am qualified for all of the admin jobs so that comes first and then if there’s still time prior to bedtime, I’m on it.

I’ll report how the Princess does tomorrow.

I have huge lags of time here where I’m doing nothing. I would love to be proactive but with my boss hovering over me…I don’t like doing that.

She notices everything and usually finds a reason to tell me why it’s wrong.

Whatever.

On both of my short breaks today, I am going to just go for quick walks to get my body moving. I woke in a horrid neighborhood but I spent years visiting horrid neighborhoods with my addiction so…I got this.

I’m going to bring a yoga mat to work starting next week and instead of going outside to smoke, I’ll go upstairs and do yoga.

20 minutes a day.

I am getting so close to my goal of 1K subscribers to my YouTube channel and I would just like to ask respectfully that you subscribe. I would be so grateful.

Here is today’s short:

 

 

Thank you!

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

GO

 Good Morning All,

Hmmm, so my stats this month on this blog are through the roof and when I look at the countries that read it, I must wonder for a moment.

Let me make this clear, I do not put any identifying information, nor any monetary information on any accounts attached to this blog or to my YouTube channel.

I understand how to check what accounts are listed as recovery accounts so if you try and sneak in that way, ain’t gonna happen.

That’s not a challenge. I literally have no money anyways.

I have shit for credit now.

I just don’t trust that people are that interested in a blog that for all intents and purposes is rather self-serving.

I’m not in the dark about who and how I can be.

Alright, that said;

Yeah, I did not sleep last night.

My IBS is still out of utter control.

I am still smoking and thank God for the inhaler my friend gave me because I would’ve potentially been in the hospital again last night.

I have a list of things to do that can wait and I have a list that it’s go time on.

Motherfucking GO time.

I need a new job.

I need to file bankruptcy.

I need to go through my apartment and get rid of every single thing I no longer need.

Frodo still has not been adopted, he’s at the rescue.

I don’t have the money to go get him but something has to happen here soon, as the guilt over his surrender is going to kill me.

I don’t understand why I had to go through that and I am angry about it. I am really angry. Not at the person who originally bought the puppy, but at the Universe for this very harsh lesson. If it was just me affected, fine, but that little puppy is there and he needs love and a home and I can’t take it.

So today, it’s on.

I am no longer bringing money; cash or card, to work with me. No temptation to buy lunch, I can go ahead and starve for a few hours if I’m too fucking lazy to bring my lunch. That’s on me, not my fucking wallet.

Exercise has to happen and that includes breathing exercises.

I have no idea if I have reached a point where I can do this without medications but…I have to try.

My dad died at 65.

It started with asthma.

I now have asthma.

I am so overwhelmed. I always am, I know.

But I really internalized through everything I went through in the last few weeks in talking to so many of the people who have supported me through this, that we are all going through it. It just looks different.

I know people who fucked themselves with credit cards and are dealing with that, I know people who are lonely and whose hearts are broken, I know people who are deeply worried about their children, I know people whose gas is getting shut off because they can’t afford the bill, I know people whose beloved fur babies are nearing the end of the journey in this realm.

I am not alone, I am not the only one who suffers. It sure feels like I’m the only one but that’s because I’m only looking in and not looking out.

I gave a dude with a sign a dollar today. I had to do something for someone and it’s a little thing but he had the nicest smile and he looked so grateful.

I am not alone in my suffering and trials and struggles. Others struggle but they also help.

I need to help a bit more. I need to take care of myself but I need to try and help where I can.

My time here is limited.

I want to do something that matters even if it’s a little thing and no one really knows about it.

Ok, look, I gotta go.

I’m at work.

I need to clean this place up before my boss gets here because I didn’t do it Friday. I was too tired after the whole ER thing.

Good things are coming now.

Because they have to, and because that’s where I will focus my energy.

I am making lists but just for the next two weeks or so.

If I stick to this, I can loosen up the slack a bit.

I need to feel that I have some control over something and if this is how I do it, then so be it. The only enemy I fight, is myself.

Did you know Snoop Dog does meditation videos on YouTube? Like…affirmations?

And they’re good!!

I wish you a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Comfort Kitty

Good Morning!

Sooooo. It’s been sortof an IBS two months. I mean literally.

I don’t stop pooping.

Ever.

But I can say that yesterday was productive in other ways as well.

Today I’m being a bit of a slug but even so, I hope to get some things done.

Mainly, coming up with a plan for the week and also applying for jobs.

I don’t hate the job I’m at but I’m over it for a number of reasons, the biggest of which I’m not making enough.

I don’t like the area it’s in.

I want to move forward.

I’m overwhelmed because both my daughter and I owe so much in medical bills and sitting down and figuring this stuff out is so hard. Plus she needs to get her permit renewed and the DMV isn’t open when I’m not working so getting her there and getting her to set it up just feels like a lot. 

She’ll do it.

I haven’t exactly been a role model of “gettin’er done.”

Anyways.

Pumpkin just came over and plopped her big, wonderful self on me. I brushed her for quite awhile.

She is the most comforting cat I’ve ever been around. She’s like a huge ball of comfort. And she’s not trying to provide comfort, she just wants her loving but the payoff for me…comfort.

The cat litter stinks.

I got rid of one of the boxes and now I only use one bag of the cheap litter between the remaining two so I have to clean them out today. Dump the litter, scrub the boxes and put in fresh litter.

It was really sunny when I got up this morning and now it’s overcast.

Yuk bluck.

I hope the sun comes back out.

I’m starting an experiment today but I’ll talk about that later.

Anyways.

I hope you all have a good Sunday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Milking

Hellooooo,

Weirdos be haunting my blog. Little ghosties.

Whatevs.

So yesterday.

I got out of the hospital. I went home then right to work. Who is this and what have you done with Denise?

My days of milking shit is OVER.

That paycheck calls.

My job is so boring most of the time time and I have grown so sedentary.

There’s a pretty walking path just down from where I work and my boss doesn’t want me on it because it’s such a dangerous neighborhood but, and I think this a GOOD thing, I am craving movement.

I can’t stand sitting still. Well I can. Laziness still calls too. This isn’t a sudden burst of energy thing; it’s more like I hate myself so much when I don’t move thing.

Hate myself or move?

So I was gonna quit smoking this morning and I made it one hour.

I know I can do it because I did it for 3 weeks and it honestly didn’t feel like that big of a deal.

But I did manage to do a lot in that hour, or at least a lot for me. 

I made my bed, I fed the cats, I did my morning skincare routine, I meditated and attempted my Wim Hof breathing stuff. I could barely do that. Not good. I got dressed and ready for my day.

I have a lot of fish to fry today so I just wanna get on that.

Not literally. Some might think I’m actually frying fish today. I am not.

We have a HUGE spider on our balcony. Normally I would freak out. But she’s straight in the middle , or almost so, of our balcony and she hangs down. I’m not kidding. She’s big.

But I feel like she protects us.

So she stays.

My job is boring and without any real satisfaction (like, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything for the greater good there), that I have to make my week evenings and weekends count.

Coming out of this five year or so coma of self imposed sloth and anxiety is very interesting and very hard. 

But here we go.

Let today be a good one for you and for me.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Meet-Ups in Valhalla

 Good Morning!

I was so afraid to come in to work this morning but they were really understanding. My actual boss is on vacation so she may feel differently. I came in with all my electrodes still attached and bracelet IDs.

I had to ship out some shit and I’m not really in the know on all that but fingers crossed if I didn’t do it right. At least the shipment is being made, couriered, whatever.

And I got a hot job completed in the system and customer notified. 

So I woke up last night around 1:00. Something was wrong and I couldn’t figure it out. I was in a total panic.  I couldn’t breathe. Now when I say that, obviously some oxygen was getting in because I didn’t drop down dead. But I was gasping for air and I just didn’t feel like I was getting any.

45 minutes I sat there like that.

Because I didn’t want to call an ambulance. I didn’t want to have to go back to the ER.

They gave me oxygen in the ambulance but it wasn’t doing shit. So they nebulized me and that was the ticket. They ordered an inhaler for me but it was too expensive so I didn’t get it.

The bottom line is I have no insurance so I’m going to post in a couple places asking if anyone has certain things, not for money, but for oxymiters, BP cuff and reader, and if anyone has fucking inhalers with albuterol that they don’t use, I’ll take that off their hands as well. I’m looking on good RX too.

And I’m going to have to find a doctor comfortable enough to prescribe me Xanax. Because I cannot calm down when this happens. I start getting ready to meet God…And see my people…and Buffy and Casey and Venus and Bono and Friend, and Newgie, and Tubby and Squeaky Bling Bling and Stanley and Syler and Trickle and Maple and Trout.

There are more but…

Yeah I was sitting there preparing for that but then Pumpkin and Grey came up on the chair I was sitting in. Grey was howling and Pumpkin kept headbutting me and touching my arm with her paw and I heard my bestie saying what she Sid’s last weekend, “So you’re just gonna leave me? I can’t do “this” without you.”

And that’s when I finally called the ambulance. These people don’t know shit.

They didn’t even compare notes from my last trip.

I just want an inhaler and I’m good to go.

No meetups in Valhalla just yet.

I have so many beautiful people in my life. My friend Kathy picked me up from the hospital and took me home. She’s lovely as are all of you who care so much. She didn’t tell me it’s her birthday today, I saw that on FB.

Happy Birthday Beautiful.

She also sent me some info that may help me get some mental health stuff help.

I have a lot to do this weekend. 

Right now, I just can’t wait to go to bed.

And I’m hungry.

But this also has happened in a way that I’m starting to see a pattern. Wheat and flour seem to be a problem for me. And sourdough causes this too. They are part of a much bigger picture.  A picture that has many things hidden within,

So for now, I need to cut those things out and see if that makes a difference.

I also seem to have a cold but no Covid so that’s good.

Sitting in my living room, trying to wait out whatever this was, before calling the ambulance, made me realize I don’t really want to be pushing daisies but I do need things to get better cause the way things have been…not cuttin’it.

I’m so hungry right now.

I’ll order food at noon.

Just please get me through this day cuz I’m so exhausted and please keep me awake enough to fuck shit up and tear it down here at work.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Unconditionally

Good Morning,

Ugh, I wish so badly that it was Friday but Friday is tomorrow so I must make the most of today.

I came home after work yesterday and I got straight into the shower.

Then I went over to a friend’s place. She is having knee replacement surgery today. Just in one of the knees. I’m not sure if she’ll be doing the other one at some point. She was in good spirits but I worry because she does so much for those shelves and she’s going to really need to care for herself.

Another of our friends will be with her for a bit and I’m only 5 minutes from her so I’ll be able to help too.

She had me cracking up last night though.

I needed that and I hope that alleviated some anxiety for her. She doesn’t show her anxiety, unlike me who falls apart at the smallest thing.

The tears started shortly after waking up this morning. I have no idea what they are about. I am actually in a place where there’s been relief because of the car and I know there are more things to come, but for now it’s relief and so the tears are a conundrum for me.

I have become a master at pushing through though. I do have worry in my heart for certain family members and just for the universe in general.

With the anniversary of 911 coming and going, it just brings back the nastiness of the worst in humanity and of course you see the best come out too but at such a horrific cost. Why can’t we all just love each other now? Why do we have to wait until tragedy strikes?

I may never have the answer to those questions and so I have to find my way through these tears.

I really pushed myself at work yesterday. My boss is on vacation until Monday and next week, our main sales person will be gone and so I know my boss will be stressed. No time off until Thanksgiving.

It’s up to me whether to apply for other jobs or not and I know I need to. If I’m still there at Thanksgiving, I want it to be because I haven’t had any job offers and not because I haven’t applied for any.

My IBS is getting bad again. I just deal with it. That’s all I can do.

As for those people that I worry about, I can only do my best to share my truth with them and be there for them and love them unconditionally. I have to trust that they will be OK.

It hurts my heart when the people I love hurt. There is a part of me that wants to detach from it all, but I know what it feels like to be detached from. It’s not a good feeling. And really, it’s out of fear, it’s a protective measure. Because of the worry, you know?

Anyways, I guess I better go get ready for work and be on my way.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie