Well aren't I just little miss productive of late? Or, you know, this week anyways, lol.
I have been sticking to my eating plan, I've been exercising everyday and exceeding my step goal.
I've been doing job search, cooking, etc.
Yesterday, I finished one of the projects I've been working on. I'm so proud and relieved it's done. There was one little faux paus as I bought the materials for this sometime ago and I wasn't able to find one major thing but it's the thought that counts and the main reason for the project, that's intact so....there you have it. I'll be uploading a short about that project on Friday.
My YouTube channel continues to grow slowly for which, as you all know, I'm incredibly grateful for. Last night, a gal reached out on facebook. She saw the post for my bathbombs. She wanted to buy all of them. Like...all of them.
This is a gal I knew in my junior high school days. We never hung out or anything. I met her once but she had quite the personality (still does, she's a hoot and very sweet), so I always knew if someone brought her up who they were talking about.
Anyways, I'm meeting her today, this morning some time.
Again, grateful. I tend to look at these things as miracles, blessings from the Universe, magic...like they're all in the same bucket for me.
So today is sortof just going over everything that's already done, wrapping the few things I was able to get for my kids, it'll be good.
I hope you all have a great day and if you celebrate this evening, enjoy.
I honestly am not even thinking about it. We did not even decorate this year because if we end up having to move out quickly, I realized like that’s just more we have to pack. Better that it’s already packed now.
But I think tonight, I will allow myself to watch a Christmas movie. Traditionally, I love to celebrate this whole season, pretty much from the fall equinox through New Year’s. But obviously, there has been an enormous amount of stress and anxiety, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m not all bah humbug, But I’m just sort of doing the best I can each day to make changes that’ll bring us into abundance once I either find a job or go back to the other one.
I don’t want to move. We have nowhere to go.
So I tried to walk in this weird space of acceptance and not knowing what will happen but having faith that all will be well.
I had a great day yesterday. I pushed myself. Because I was able to grocery shop, I made us a good dinner. I did job search and I applied for some jobs. I exercised and I cleaned a bit.
I have noticed something finally about my sleep, which is bizarre but it makes sense I guess. I have been making a concerted effort to drink enough water each day. When I do this, I do wake up and have to go to the bathroom, but I generally go right back to sleep and for the last two nights, I have slept for seven hours or more. I’ll take it!
I’m really proud of myself in regards to the target gift card I got from Santa. I did not buy one want item, I got the medicine for my acid reflux and food and that was it.
I will admit to going to cub foods, which is the big grocery chain out here in Minnesota and getting some fennel. Fresh fennel. I needed it for a sheet pan dinner I made yesterday.
It was so nice to sit down to an actual meal. Today I’m making beef stew.
So yummy. And I felt very grateful as I was eating it. One of the things I’m trying to work on is my relationship with food. It’s a little bit daunting because we’re so at the mercy of what the hell are we gonna eat each day, but this gift card gave me a little leeway this week at least.
It was really hard but last night, I said yes to myself by not giving in and picking out before I went to bed. Now you’re probably asking well if you don’t have any food, how can you pick out before bedtime? Oh believe me. I eat bizarre shit, it’s not like we’re living high on the hog and so whatever is here, I will eat and just shove into my mouth. But I did not do that yesterday and it felt wonderful.
My IBS is better today as a result as well.
So I'm just gonna try my best to get some things, including job search again, done.
Well. Here I am, determined to get a little bit of a lot done today.
So far, so good.
I have a list and I'm paying attention to my thoughts and actions as I move through this day. When I avoid doing the things I know I should be doing, what is going through my head if anything at all?
I'm not finding much at all. I honestly think it's the self-sabotage thing and the message I've always given myself that I'm not worth it, or why try, or it's easier to just give in and do nothing meaningful...
Why I feel those things doesn't matter. They have become habit and that's what matters.
So today, it's been little pushes. Don't overthink anything, just count to 3 and go. And the things that I do manage to do? I'm telling myself it's good, I can accomplish things and I deserve to accomplish things just like everyone else does.
I went on a walk, I went and got gas and went to the grocery store. Santa came and he gave me a gift card to Target. I spent it on the omeprazole for my tummy because I was out and it started hurting me again. The rest I spent on food. I cannot tell you how good it felt to be able to get enough for a few actual meals, not just one or two things and hoping we can stretch it out. Santa also brought a huge ass thing of the good toilet paper. LMAO, Santa knows me oh so well. I've been grateful for that toilet paper today, because...well...if you know, you know. Yup, bad morning for me bowel.
I'm finding it hard to stay off of my phone. I don't think that's a unique thing. I think we all spend way to much time on our phones.
So I have to keep reminding myself to stay off of it, put it back down.
I'm going to do some job search now and I'll be back tomorrow. I know I don't really do this to much anymore, writing out my list of to do's on here and I'm going to try and continue with that because how much I get done is not as important as the fact that I get anything done.
I have some goals and I'll simply let you know tomorrow if I make them, if don't, I'll look at why and talk about solutions.
Sadly, I did not get a lot of sleep last night, just under four hours and so I just made myself something to eat and I’m so full. I’m like a slug on the couch.
Yesterday was really good. I got the house cleaned up and my sister came out. She took me out to dinner and then we went to target, I thought she needed things for herself, but she ended up buying me two bras and some underwear. Now I’m crying because I’m so grateful. Bras and underwear may not be a big deal to some people, but I struggle so much with feeling good about myself, especially because I have found myself in this situation that I am currently in yet again. It can be hard. My sister says don’t beat yourself up, you can’t go back. She’s right, it’s done. I’m just really trying to really let this in this time and feel it, it’s so hard because I still have other addictions in place that I haven’t given up. I’m talking about cigarettes obviously. But I am working on just putting it behind me and moving forward And so someone doing what may seem like a little thing like getting someone some bras and underwear is actually a huge thing because it makes me feel more normal. Because I really needed some bras and underwear and I can’t get them for myself right now. And she didn’t make a big production out of it, it was just you need this let’s get this. I’m really grateful.
I hope I can do nice things for her someday. I used to take things like this for granted and now I am processing through feeling ashamed and letting that go and just focusing on the now and being grateful.
We came back here and hung out a little bit. She left and shortly after, I went to pick up my daughter.
And today I am just really tired.
I made this weird dinner. I had some ground turkey so I cooked that and I added Lipton soup mix to it. I cooked up rice and I always cook my rice in chicken broth as opposed to water because it just makes the flavor so amazing. I stirred that all together and added sour cream and I know it sounds bizarre but oh my God it’s good. Incredibly filling.
My sister took me out for dinner yesterday and I got the salad that I just love. So there was food. I have eggs and flour and am planning on making waffles tomorrow as that just sounds good.
So happy. I got my bathbombs wrapped. I only have 20 of them, but, the money would allow us to get some groceries and put something towards rent. The cynical, self pitting the side of me wants to say why even fucking bother?
But the other side says, no no, let’s keep going, let’s keep trying. The most ridiculous part of this, and please understand when I say this, I am not saying that anyone should help us, the most ridiculous part of this is that all I need is $3600. That’s my portion of the rent for January, February and March.
I had someone reach out to me about a part-time job, but it would be less than I get from unemployment and so I thought no, not yet. But if we somehow make it until March 1, as soon as I go back to that regular job if I don’t find another one, I’m going to get a part-time job. And that part-time job, I’m going to have to stick with it, I have a goal of 18 months to pay off my debt and so for 18 months, I will need to work a second job.
It will be worth it to have the debt paid off. I looked at what I’m paying an interest each month and it just took my breath away. But I still am determined to do this. I was with a friend last night and she said I’m just asking, I’m just wondering, why won’t you file bankruptcy? You see, I’ve been there done that, many times in my life, and my life has been about taking the easy way out. When things get hard, I do everything or at least in the past, I have done everything to fuck them up even more. I am never going to learn the lesson of how to spend money responsibly, and to have a healthy relationship for lack of a better term, with money, unless I do this. Bankruptcy is part of the problem with our economy, it is not a solution.
Another friend asked me if I’m going to get rid of my credit cards as I pay them off. The answer to that is no. Not all of them anyways. I am going to hang onto every single one of them until they are paid off. Once they are paid off, I will be making phone calls because I’m so irresponsible. I don’t even know what my interest rate is on my cards and I don’t even know which cards I have Annual fees for. Any card with an annual fee, I will be getting rid of. Of the remaining cards, I will be making phone calls to find out if they will decrease my interest rate.
You have to play the game.
Anyways, I did post a video of the few bath bombs I was able to make. Here is that video.
It’s a very small thing, these bath bombs, but I will tell you this; as far as my vision list for October 2025 to October 2026, it doesn’t matter what I put out there as a product for people to purchase, it just matters that I do it. Something, anything. I just do it.
I am very lucky to have supplies right now for certain things. I am not even going to worry about how this is all going to unfold. For once in my life, I have no big plan. My plans don’t work because I’m A-to-Z without B through Y.
Fuck all that.
You know I’m sitting here and I just realize how can I trust the universe when I don’t even trust myself? What I’m talking about is not that I will continue to screw up money and blah blah blah, what I’m talking about is that I just don’t follow through on things.
But you know what, I did get some good things done yesterday. I had to cancel my debit card as there was fraudulent activity, but nothing that the bank didn’t cover so that’s good.
I didn’t even freak out about that. I just called the bank and they put me with security and they were actually going to call me as they had just flagged the charge.
But now I have no access to my damn funds unless I want to get my lazy ass up and go to the bank. I don’t.
The weather is supposed to get bad today. I have a little bit of $ left on one of my cards and it's either use the card or starve, so I'm headed out to get a few groceries.
Stay safe, the weather is being wicked everywhere you turn, look, read about...just stay safe.
So today I am trying to do something, anything, and if I'm honest, I'm trying to do a little of everything. I already know I can't get it all done so a little bit of everything.
Just anything productive. I've been in no-man's land and I'm looking to break free.
I was going to go to a friend's house last night but didn't and so I am going tonight. I know it's going to be hard because I'll be thinking of all I need to do but I have to start pushing myself out of the box I've both created and imprisoned myself in.
I'm gonna be there at and leave by 7:15. That gives me enough time to sortof get my shite together for bed. So I just have to keep moving until it's time to go over there. I'll feel so much better about things if I do that.
It's "little" Pumpkin's birthday today. 3 years ago, the first time I ever got to see kittens be born, I held that little girl in my hands, removed her amniotic sac because her Momma was exhausted at that point and then, when she wouldn't take a breath, I rubbed her vigorously until she did.
Ah. Well. I still have 12 minutes to start this with Good Morning.
This bottom I’ve hit? I believe I wrote about it recently? I’m not bouncing back as I usually do. Luckily, it’s not a bottom with give so it’s not going further down. I’m staying very uncomfortably in the same place.
Part of it is I promised myself no more dramatic posts on FB.
So that’s an outlet I’ve shut down.
And I struggle when I give up habits even if they no longer serve me.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen here but the fear of it has me frozen.
I’m willing to change things but it seems I’ve put conditions on it.
I have to let those go. Changing it has to start with forcing myself to do the things that will help.
Changing it means working with what I have, not what I want.
See I know these things but putting action behind it? I wilt.
But that is the beginning of the way out.
I reached out to two friends yesterday. Because I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I need to get OUT of the apartment everyday.
So I’m going over to have dinner at a friend’s tonight and I’m doing the same Thursday night and I’m seeing my sister on Friday.
My bestie is in Washington and the flooding and breaking of the levees and the storms…it’s brutal.
She’s ok but I am worried. I am really, really worried.
Please keep her and all the people affected by this in your thoughts.
Anyways, that’s where things are at today. By reaching out, I feel I was able to rise a bit off the bottom today. I’m hovering just above it, levitating with my toes almost touching the bottom but above it nonetheless.
