Shutting’er Down

Good Morning,

I’ve been up all night, in and out of sleep.

I think it’s time to start shutting things down. 

I’ve had a good run with the blogging. I hit to see myself evolve out of the anger into something I felt was…better.

My hope was always that I’d be able to change the things about myself that kept me back and then be able to share that so others who suffer from similar things, might not feel so alone. I’ve been able to change some things but others..,it’s just been to hard.

But like I said, it’s been a good run and for all of you who read, and who texted and messaged me over the years, that has been beautiful and something I’ve been so grateful for.

I’m just blogging to blog at this point. 

I’m just really, really tired too.

So I think this has served whatever purpose it needed to.

Thank you again for being a part of my journey. Thank you for supporting this.

I love you all very much,

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Day I Can Look Back

Good morning,

I hope this post finds all of you well. We’re in a deep freeze here in Minnesota. I’m fine with it.

There’s something about winter that just is so comforting to me. Being able to wear warm snuggly clothes and cuddle up on the couch, I just love that.

I had a very productive day yesterday, but of course it’s never enough for me because myself evaluation is always so critical.

My daughter wanted to have a birthday party and that’s something that is so weird to me because of course I celebrate my birthday, but I guess it’s a generational thing; like we always had a family gathering for birthdays but as an adult, it wasn’t a big thing each year. At any rate, she didn’t have the money to get a hotel room and she had thought about going bowling, but she didn’t think people would want to do that and so I said OK, like, you can do it here, but I want people gone by 1 AM. We are going to clean this apartment today and it needs to be clean when everybody leaves.

I want my daughter to have good things in her life and we are struggling and she was grateful and she did say thank you more than once even. I sometimes feel so frustrated by life because life just happens. Sometimes it happens in a way that changes my plans for the day and I have some really big fish to fry.

And you know, I am not one to use mental health as an excuse, I just, I can’t do it and I despise when I see others do it. But it does make things difficult for me and yes, today I woke up to a clean home, which was wonderful, my cats were all with me on the bed and I was able to cuddle them and love them up, but now I am caught in this whirlwind of thoughts; the rent got paid, but I have no food and I need kitty litter and I need this and I need that and bills have to still be paid and what the fuck am I gonna do And you know, the only thing productive as far as what’s going on right now is to try and sell some of my products and to look for a fucking job. 

These are simple things, but in my mind, it’s like they’re huge and they’re cumbersome.

I ran out of smokes yesterday and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without one, but I woke up this morning and the panic just sat in.

I have got to put the cigarettes behind me. And the thing is, yeah, I bought a pack of cigarettes. You would think with the guilt and shame I am feeling over this that I went out and killed 50 innocent people for no reason, other than that I wanted to. No, I bought cigarettes. I’m not trying to justify buying cigarettes here, I have to quit for all the reasons. But my God, the self talk and the shame, it’s debilitating.

The answer here too is very simple; quit that. Just fucking quit that. Those stupid ass thoughts.

I am such a baby, I really am. I am finally coming to terms with that.

Everything I have to do requires me to push myself, and I have always been someone who just lays helpless in the snow and has a temper tantrum.

Now, I realize that all of that that I just wrote is very dramatic.

The very simple answer is, what are my priorities today? Well, I need to apply for some jobs. I need to figure out some way of labeling my bath bombs because my computer or I mean, my printer, is out of toner, but I can still wrap them And figure something out. I may have to hand write my labels.

I have all these supplies and I decided instead of making a bunch of different scents in the bath bombs. I’m going to stick with the bath bombs that are made and I’m going to make some body butters and some massage oils and some sugar scrubs. I have enough supplies to do all that. And if I make $100 or $500, that’s $500 more or $100 more than I had. It could pay the bills for this week and it could get us groceries. I do have some eggs and I do have some cheese and I have a couple sausage patties in the freezer so guess what? There’s my breakfast. There’s enough for me to make for my daughter too.

If that is all we eat, that’s OK. It’s food. There are people in the world who literally do not even have that. And for that, I mean, there’s where my gratitude is and I think while I’m eating, I need to, as corny as it sounds, put energy into that while I’m eating. Send out wishes for food for everyone, 

I spend a lot of time in my head going over the past and asking myself why I’m such a dumb shit. What a waste of time. Who cares why I was a dumb shit? The answer now is don’t be a dumb shit. Do the deal Denise, get her done. Stop worrying about things I have no control over. Like literally. I have no control over our political situation, I have no control over the economy, I have no control over other people. I have no control over the fact that there are unbelievably wealthy people in this world and that I’m not one of them.

Today I can make breakfast for my daughter and I. Today I can apply for jobs. Today I can wrap those damn bath bombs and I can make the other products I talked about above.

I’m just over all of this and I pray that there will come a day, when I can look back and say oh my God, Denise. You are not there anymore, you did it. You fucking got through all this and came out ahead.

I have to believe that that can happen.

And so on that note, I’m gonna go upstairs and make myself some breakfast.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Thoughts at This Moment

Greetings,

I’m not even sure how to put into words, or what words to use right now.

There are none.

I’m gonna keep this sweet and to the point.

Rent got paid.

It was literally down to 45 minutes before it was due. And I had fully accepted it wouldn’t be paid. 45 minutes later, it was paid.

I got nothing. I mean it should go without saying that I’m grateful but that word, at least right now, doesn’t feel as significant as it should.

My head and what runs through it doesn’t matter. It can’t. I gotta push through.

Because my gratitude in the past hasn’t been enough. Gratitude is great but it won’t pay the bills and it does not bring on change in and of itself.

So I am grateful and I remain so and will so. 

None of my self-searching or questioning matters. I have to assume that there will be a time for that.

Just like faith, gratitude means nothing without backing it up with action.

Job search, willingness to work for cash if anyone offers, packing as if so this doesn’t fall on others if we don’t make things for January. Some kind of planning and figuring stuff out too in case we don’t make it.

Yeah…words like willingness, planning, making phone calls, applying for jobs, packing.

Pumpkin is sitting next to me, a huge, beautiful fur ball. She goes with my daughter if we lose this place. I was despondent. She will never know that her life was about to change nor will she know who it is that bought her another month of stability.

A friend I haven’t seen in forever brought me some boxes. He’s so handsome!!! Don’t worry, I know that ship has sailed but he is, lol. It was incredibly kind of him to do that for me. And he said he has more if needed. 

I’m going to make myself some dinner and begin this process.

Peace to all of you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Focus

Hey Guys,

Ok, here I am. 

I am not going to allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of depression here. I'm not depressed. I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and I'm unsure of what to do next.

So.

For today, I have to focus on what's currently in front of me. Packing, job search and cleaning. I have to get boxes, I need an oil change (it's been a year and a half), and I need laundry detergent.

Clearly, I am going through other things. Without going into too much detail, I will say this. I had a dream that I was getting jiggy with it, with someone from my teenage years but it was in a setting of someone I knew in adulthood.

I know why I had this dream. I've had a lot of weird men suddenly commenting on my YouTube channel. This is not what I'm trying to attract. It makes me feel uncomfortable and just reiterates why I stay away from men in general. It almost always comes to that and I'm not there. Menopause changed everything and in losing my mojo so to speak, I began to see how badly I let myself be treated and how I was drawn to overbearing, controlling, mean men. Men who belittled and who took no accountability for themselves but blamed me for everything...just gross.

No.

So the two people in this dream both represent bad choices, the one I decided to have s*x with and the one whose house it was.

I do want to go back, maybe, in therapy when I can and work through this stuff because most of the time, it's my past, I could care less, but sometimes, when it comes in a dream like this and I can't just push the thought away, it stays with me and leaves a coat of yuck on me.

This thing with weird comments on my channel is exacerbating that so sadly, I had to disable comments. I hope people react well to it.

If at some time, I feel like I can have them without them affecting my mental health, I'll turn them back on.

Alright, well, I feel kindof like an empty shell today, I feel like I don't know what to do first and I feel sad.

But...I'm OK. 

We have no choice but to get through it.

It's my attitude that will determine how...

Be Blessed my friends.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Bizarre Thoughts

Well Hello,

And how is everybody today?

I hope you are warm if you live here in Minnesota, I hope your car is running well and that good things are happening for you.

Myself, I am OK. I am in a state of… I don’t even know how to explain it. You know how there are stages of grief? I think I’m kind of in that. I did have some anger, but it wasn’t directed at anyone but myself.

And I know that that serves no purpose, no long-term purpose anyways. I am seeing so many things very clearly and it would be easy to beat myself up and to go down the rabbit hole of Denise is a piece of shit.

But this journey that I’m on, it no longer allows for that kind of thinking. Not for long anyway.

Because I’m old and because I’m tired and because I’ve learned so much and come so far. My inner spirit can’t handle that anymore and knows that realistically, I’m not a bad person.

Parts of me, I guess you could say they’ve been broken since I was a little tiny girl. I suppose some of them are caused by trauma and it’s OK to own that, but I’ve said this before, the people who caused this cannot magically wave a wand and fix it. As an adult, we are responsible for fixing our own trauma. And there is simply no one to blame for me being how I am, but me. Maybe blame is a bad word, maybe it just is what it is and what I’m trying to say is I’m the only one who can fix it.

I am running the gamut of emotions here and trying to find my way through that and I am isolating because I’m so afraid of lashing out at anyone. That is something I have done in the past and it’s unfair and was unnecessary. Anger and me used to go together so well. But now, anger that really doesn’t need to be anger and is really just me being mad at myself, like I said, man it serves no purpose.

And really, staying in anger, even if it’s about something where anger is justified, it’s an icky place to be.

No one owes me anything, not even the world, even though as far as I know in my human understanding, I didn’t ask to be born, and I didn’t ask to be born with all the Fuckery that is my mind. I just had the beginnings of a conversation with someone about that. Because I am back to watching those near death experience videos and they all talk about how where we go after our body dies, is a perfect place of love and that we are sent here to learn something and to experience all emotion. But if we come from a place of total love and we go back to that, what the fuck is the journey here for? What does Suffering whether it’s self imposed or not, do for us if we return to a perfect place of love anyways? I mean, are we going to just become love warriors up there, in heaven or whatever the hell it is, no pun intended. 

I don’t fucking know.

It all seems kind of bizarre to me, but I’m just a human.

Suffice to say, I think I need to stop watching those goddamn videos.

Anyways, the apartment blew up. It’s so fucking little that it doesn’t take much and so now I am back to cleaning and organizing. I am going to get some boxes and start packing.

No, I still have no plan for where we are going to go or where we will land. While it is hard for me to say, I trust the universe and it’s plan for me right now, I have decided to just trust the process.

The only action I am able to bring myself to take at this point, is to clean this fucking apartment, start packing it up and apply for jobs.

That’s all she wrote folks and that’s all I know right now.

I so appreciate the supportive comments, the supportive messages that I am receiving.

You see, there it is again… Love. I am loved.

And I am very grateful.

You have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecir

Stay Tuned

Hi everyone,

Ah, the story continues to unfold.

Yesterday, when I took the bathbombs out of their molds, it turns out that none of the second batch worked out.

And it got me to thinking. Maybe it’s time to give up this whole dream of Willow’s Whimsy too. I lack motivation. 

Every person I see who writes about going from rags to riches, talks about doing the work...no matter what barred their way. I see barriers and I wilt. 

I need this and I need that and blah blah blah.

Lord have mercy.

I want to shift gears and talk about a pet peeve of mine. I am not the only one who has pet peeves. And I think my dramatic posting invites this behavior in others. I'm talking about unsolicited advice and FB does not yet have a turn off all comments option for personal posts, only public ones.

I dramatic post. Not about other people anymore but about my struggles, etc. I am feeling less and less good about doing that. I need to cease and desist.

But often times, it is just a vent...so I googled this and this is what AI said:

Bingo!!

I don't care, I posted this on FB. If you have a dramatic poster in your life who drives you nuts, unfollow them for a month if you don't want to completely delete them.

While it is something I hope to stop doing, I haven't quite gotten there but as it says above, I'm not looking for advice.

I have to let this go. I have a list of people I unfortunately hide my posts from for this very reason and I forgot to do so, so my bad.

For the love of all that is holy, if you do this, please stop. It's offensive. In the meanwhile, I will work on my dramatic posting.

There; some give. You got it, now quit. Enough said.

I am struggling with what to do and where to start today.

You give up a dream and what do you have?

I'm not sure but I'm about to find out.

I just figured something out. I'll give up on my dream until November of 2026. Who knows where things will be at in 11 months?

I just need time to dig deep.

I think in order to keep myself busy, I'll try and use up as much product as possible like I said. But it'll be more of an experimenting and learning process. I was never able to do that before.

I'm going to buy some boxes today to start packing the apartment too.

I can do this. I can get through this.

I have to believe that in losing everything I currently have, I will gain everything of something new. I just don't know what that is and I guess it will reveal itself as we go.

So...here goes me, jumping into the unknown. Will I swim or will I drown?

Stay tuned.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Bottom Comes with Decisions

Hello there,

Ah. Well. There is some relief in my heart at long last. I made a decision. We are not going to pay the rent this month. I do have some bath bombs made, and I do hope to sell them. And I will keep on making products until December 15.

Well, this apartment is expensive, as I’ve been looking, even in areas that aren’t as great and apartments that aren’t upgraded the way mine is, I would only be saving $100-$200 a month. No, I have no plan going forward and that will have to happen, but I’m giving myself the rest of this week. I will make my bath bombs and my products and I will sell them as I can.

But I simply cannot live under this stress anymore and either can my daughter. Each month has been the ups and downs of stress and I can feel the cortisol drops when the anxiety comes and I’m getting older. I simply cannot go through this anymore and so we are going to let the apartment go.

It is more important to me to pay off my debt. That may sound counterintuitive, but you have to understand that I have been someone who up until about five years ago, just lived in total denial. The denial has gone away in some aspects, but clearly not all and I have hit bottom, but I also can see this, today, as an opportunity for growth.

We have always been taken care of and I have no reason to think we won’t find a solution. It does screw my daughter over in terms of having an eviction on her record, and I guess me too if I ever wanna get another place, but it’s only for seven years And where I go, she goes and I will protect her and we will get through this together.

For the last week or so, I have been in a place where the only option I see is taking myself out of all of this. You know, the final curtain. I don’t want to say the words. But that is where my thinking has been, even to the point where I Bought a notebook so I could write letters to all the people I love so much. And while that is very dramatic, I’m saying it now because I don’t want this to be the final curtain. So something has to give.

I don’t know where we will go or what we will do, but what I do know is that this is an opportunity for me to climb up from the bottom in a way where I have a realistic view of things, where my eyes are wide open, and I can be grateful for what I do have instead of constantly comparing myself to others and falling short and getting “things” in order to feel like I measure up somehow.

All those things I want, it’s OK to want them. It’s not OK to get them when I can’t afford them. And let’s be honest, they only fill the void for a short while. And many times, those things become a burden or a different form of addiction, like skin care. Believe it or not, you can be addicted to skin care and I definitely am.

I’m tired of fighting each month, I’m tired of paying all these bills and watching the balance in my checking account go down and knowing oh my God, I’m not gonna be able to pay rent. I can’t do it anymore you guys.

I am a very wealthy person when it comes to friends and family and people who love me in spite of my absolute 100% craziness.

While the world has become increasingly difficult and more and more expensive and harder to navigate, this is where friendship and family means so much. I have a great family and sadly, the family that’s not so great, I let them go. I can’t live a life where I’m required to say certain things or do certain things in order to constantly have to prove my loyalty. Loyalty that is not returned. Love that is conditional. I’ve had a journey through all of that too, and many talks with my biological father who has crossed the veil. If he can hear me, he is well aware of his faults, and how he affected me. I’ve been able to let go of that and to let go of the idea of my brothers and my stepmother being family. I was always treated as less then by them.

I forgive them though. The biggest thing is that they have a journey and I’m gonna let them have that. I let go of them with love in my heart, I really do. Sometimes I feel sad about that and it’s OK to be sad. There has to be a willingness to meet in the middle and there has to be unconditional, love, and acceptance of who a person is And a willingness to let them do what they feel is the right thing to do. I surround myself with people now who are self-aware and who are accountable. I surround myself with people who aren’t afraid to share truth with me, but who do so lovingly. Honestly, love really is the answer to everything.

And I have so very much of it both in the giving and the receiving.

I told my daughter to spend some of her money today. It’s her birthday. We are not going to make the rent. There are a bunch of bills I haven’t paid, they are threatening to turn off my electric and some other things and I need to pay those things.

This got bad really fast. My spending is so different now but sadly, it is my past spending that got me to where I’m at.

All I can tell you is that I’m willing to change it. And letting this apartment go and finding peace with that and trusting the universe to care for us is a part of this. Just like the last time I used drugs, I remember thinking this really can be the last time I ever do this. And it was the last time.

While I do consider myself to be alcoholic, there has been a dramatic physical change with that. Because I did go out with one friend and have a beer and a half. I did take a sip of a margarita I made for my daughter. I got violently ill.I’m not the kind of alcoholic that will drink in spite of that. For me, it was distasteful and not something I wanna go through because I don’t deal with sick well at all.

I consider that a gift from the universe. It has always been harder for me to let go of alcohol, than the drugs. And the Drugs were always the most devastating part of my addiction. I’m not saying it’s OK for me to drink if I want to, I won’t drink because I don’t wanna get sick. It’s that simple.

But this is why you won’t see me post about me saying I’m in recovery. I don’t label myself anymore. I mean, I’m Denise. That’s it, like, that’s what is.

And so, thank God this particular bottom is not because of drugs or alcohol. Rather, it seems to be the next part of what I need to change and grow through.

Paying off my debt is my priority and is the most important thing and I will not fuck that up. I simply will not. And while I will not do anything extravagant, I will be able to get gifts at least for my family this year for Christmas. You know, just the kids. I have had a lifetime, except for the past couple years, of being the one who never gave anyone gifts and that caused so much shame and grief in me. One beautiful thing I have learned about myself is that I am incredibly giving. I think about people and I love them and I want to do nice things for them. What a gift to have learned that about myself.

So anyways, I just wanted to write this blog and let everybody know that we are OK and that this is where things are at. These decisions have been made. We will have to figure things out, but like I said, I am giving myself a couple days just to sit in this and to feel the relief and the gratitude that comes with it. And to dig deep, and find hope in it.

This too shall pass, as all things do. We have seasons of struggle, and we have seasons of bounty. Right now I feel that I have both.

And so I know, that we will go on, and we will journey through this, and we will trust that all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

So mote it be.

With love and gratitude to all of you for your support, your love, your words of encouragement and kindness, I love you all so much.

Blessed Be,

Neecie