Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

 

Hello,

Aw, you guys, thank you for the support over on YouTube of late.

It's been a long haul with my channel and to finally be receiving some love over there, it's everything.

I had so hoped to be able to report that I got everything done yesterday but in reality, the day just went to fast.

So we will try again today. The important thing with goals and dreams is not to give up. And it's true that while my battery slows down, it doesn't give out completely. And I'm back at it. 

You know, I'll just report back tomorrow.

I'm OK. Just eager for all the changes I want to make to come into fruition and to see change in my life around me as another result.

My Auntie is coming this Friday.

Everything needs to be finished by Thursday night.

I just realized something. I've been struggling with my get up and go again and I think it's partly, I mean it always is but maybe a bit more so this past week, because I finally got some nails. This is not a vanity thing for me, this is about the dermatillomania. As gross as it is, this condition, I cannot do it with fake nails because the acrylic makes them too thick to do too much damage so I don't get the payoff.

And believe me when I tell you that destroying myself in this manner is one of my rituals, it is. It's a ritual and now it's gone and I'm deflating a bit. Hmmm, makes perfect sense.

The only thing I can do is keep on keeping on. They are healing, my ouches. I will need to put makeup on them if I want to show my arms but whatever, scars fade.

And as ugly as they are, they show struggle, they show pain and low self worth. They are a testament to what I've gone through.

Anyhoo, I'm OK and that's what counts.

So carry on lil' wayard soldier. I shall.

Have a great Sunday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Daily Tally

 

Hi All,

It's almost 3 and I've done exactly nada.

It's not the lazy thing, it's stuff out of my control so now I'm trying to fucking hit it hard and obviously, part of that is blogging.

My stats went up this week but I'm a bit dismayed about who exactly is reading this and their motivations. Some of them are hackers trying to get my info, the areas (countries) of readership make no sense otherwise, it's not like I'm a big hitter.

Many are able to use a redirected url but I am able to see, thanks to a rather intelligent friend, to see where most urls are actually based and at least one of them? I see you. Just stop. I'm an open book, call me.

So the fact that my stats go up isn't necessarily a good thing.

My blog is a daily tally of the moment.

It's not inspirational, not motivational. I try not to post TMI on FB anymore and so this is largely, for the moment, for my friends and family who want to know my state of mind.

People who care. Those of you who are here to try and find information on someone else...or to see if I'm posting about someone specific, you might as well let it go.

I have to care about you in order to want to write about you. And the people I care about have been there for me through the good, the bad, the ugly, they do not presume to require me to be someone I am not, in order to be accepted into their fold so to speak. They do not ask things of me that they do not hold themselves up to. 

End of rant.

So I have been moving been forward. Lots of forward movement and it's hard, it's not in my nature so I'm not giving up on today.

I trust that when all of this is done and behind me, it'll have meaning and I am going to really be working on budgeting my time as well as my money.

So I am going to get going. Not gonna stop. Not until bedtime.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Veil

Good Morning,

Wow.

Something happened while I slept last night and I really didn’t sleep that well so I’m kind of tripping.

I got up this morning and a packet of pictures I’d had printed some time ago was on the floor. These pictures? I’d forgotten all about them. They were deep in a drawer in a nightstand next to my bed. The pics were out of the packet they had been in and were spread over the floor next to my bed. All of the pictures were facing down. As I turned each one over, they were all of Mom.

It’s Samhain today. The veil is at its thinnest. Some members of my family joke about me saying that but…

Hi Mom. I love you too. I think about you everyday. 

And Dad. I can still see you as if you are standing right in front of me.

My bio dad, David? He came this year too. He died on October 20, 2013. I didn’t even think of it this year. It was such a complicated thing, our relationship.

It still is.

I don’t hate him. And I know I loved and adored him when I was little. It changed as I started seeing things through an adult lens. And it’s changed again as I have began healing from a lifetime of “stuff.”

When I talk to him now, I go between saying, “Dude, you fucked up” to, “I do love you, I just wish things could’ve been different.”

I don’t dwell on any of this anymore. It was what it was and it is what it is. I no longer see him through rose colored glasses but I also don’t see him through the lens of blame and judgment.

Anyways, I’m gonna be spending this evening with a kiddo, my daughter’s bestie’s boy. I love him so much.

Not sure if I’m gonna hand out candy or not.

Mom’s visits always are followed up with good things so I have hope again in my heart.

She always saved me.

She is still saving me.

Love you Momma.

Happy Halloween!!!

Be Blessed and Spooky.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I'm Still Standing

 

Hello My Loves,

Interesting how a bad day can completely turn itself around. I am writing this blog on Wednesday evening. It's 10PM, an hour after bedtime but because I was a lazy B last night, I wanted to hit it tonight so hit it I did. I shot a long form video and am processing it now.

I brought all the dirty cups, etc. up from the car and rinsed them and got them in the dishwasher. I got all my Willow's Whimsy stuff in the file cabinet (not organized yet) and I brought 3 huge boxes and some garbage down to the dumpster. I am giving myself a facial and as the video uploads, I will put away the clean load of laundry on my bed and I shall shower.

AAAAnd the video shot in slow motion. I don't have time to figure it out so no long form video after all.

Tomorrow night!

I am hoping to be in bed by 11 so I can maybe, if the Gods will it, get in 6 hours of solid zzzz's.

Tomorrow, I hope to go through all my clothes and get rid of what needs getting rid of and also go through my cupboards. I won't get rid of too much on that front but I want to reorganize it all.

And then, the rest of the projects? And then...as far as the projects and procrastination? Well that part of the Purge will be done. All sit down stuff plus organizing the little file cabinet with the afore-mentioned Willow's Whimsy stuff. My goal will be to finish all that on Saturday. It may not sound like a lot, but trust me, it's a lot.

I want to start Sunday with a fresh, renewed motivation. Sunday will involve roller skating, shooting long form videos and preparing meals for the week. I will finally feel less pressure to do that.

I honestly don't remember consistently working on things like this in years, if ever. So it just feels amazing.

And finally, I have TONS to do at work in order to wrap things off for the layoff. So work will be going much faster, my days should be flying by.

You probably figured out that I wrote this blog last night.

All in an effort to make my day a productive one.

Life may be falling apart around me but I don't have to fall apart. Like, I'm Still Standing.

Have a great day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

And That is Enough

Good Morning!!

Oh you guys, the struggle is real.

It also is what it is.

Life is all the things, isn’t it? 

Hard, easy, beautiful, ugly, scary, carefree, kind, mean.

You get the gist.

Last night was very hard on me. I will not be going into detail. I went to bed early just to shut it all out.

Sleep was evasive; in and out.

The mornings are dark again and I struggle with that. It makes things harder to shake off or smile my way through.

I don’t mind it getting dark earlier in the evening but yeah…I prefer my morning wakeups with sunshine.

I am refusing to give in to my inner darkness. After last night  I am coming to realize that some parts of me, while much qwelled, will always be there. Human beings are creatures capable of change but I think each, and every one of us comes with traits that are inherent and can be worked on, but that will always show up in moments of high stress or fear or anxiety, etc.

Alcoholics Anonymous refers to them as character defects. I am very good at seeing the defects and others and everyone has them like I said, but last night was a big old lesson in anger for me.

The thing that has changed is I no longer react to it. My reactions are very, very different. But I got so angry and the thoughts that were racing through my brain were not good so I just went to bed.

These intense kinds of emotions are what I have struggled with my whole life. And it really doesn’t matter if they are what we would deem good or bad emotions. Cause good or bad, I am prone to intensity.

Last night was about anger, and that intensity blew me away. At least I am in a place now, where I see it, I know what’s happening, and I don’t react. But the intensity of the feeling itself, regardless of whether I act or not, is kind of like a hangover of sorts. It just drains you.

It doesn’t matter what the situation was, that’s why I’m not writing about it. It was not something that was done to me, it was something that was done to someone I love.

And all the it was just right there waiting for me to pick it up. I chose not to. I have no control over other people and what they do. But it would seem that I have come to a place where I have some control over myself.

And at the end of the day, that is a good thing. Many of you know or may have experienced Denise in her feelings.

As we all know, it is OK to have feelings, but it is not good to react from a place of feeling. It is good to step back, take some deep breaths, remove yourself and reflect.

So I wish I had a post about Happy, Happy Lovejoy.

Not today.

All is well and all manner of things will be well.

I love and I am loved and that is enough for me.

Have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Betty’s Pies.

Hi Everyone, 

Good morning. It’s my Monday and I’m not liking it, lol. Find your gratitude, Neecie girl, find your gratitude.

It’s raining. It was really dark on the roads in. Scary. The older I get, the worse driving in the dark is but add rain or snow to that and kablam!

Not good.

My trip was excellent.

It was sunny out yesterday and perfect. We went to Gooseberry Falls after grabbing coffee.

Beautiful.

We stopped at Betty’s Pies for lunch. I did not have any if Betty’s Pies but I did have a grilled cheese and it was delish.

I had a great time with my sister.

Today it’s back to…whatever this is. I’m trying to be grateful. I know I won’t be returning after the layoff period is over and my heart is already done…like why are you here today girl but I’m here for all the reasons.

I am so relieved that I was able to get some things done last night; the dishes and the now!!! The dining room is done.

I am slowly getting there.

By Thursday night, the 6th, I should be done with all of it!

I’m blowing myself away! 

Now if I could just apply all this to weight loss, exercise and quitting smoking.

I have to believe I’ll get there. These are all good things and I feel very proud of myself.

And even though I haven’t quit smoking, I literally have been at half a pack for almost a month now. I mean, think about it. That is something. That is worth something. I do know I have to push myself and I do know the end goal is none. The coughing is bad. It’s a problem. My oximeter got broken while I was gone this weekend and so I can’t check my oxygen levels, but they have historically been very, very good and well within what’s normal. I just like to have that thing because sometimes the coughing gets so bad and there are mornings where I’m literally gasping for air. And I like to check it on those occasions. So I’ll have to get a new one.

Anyways, here I am. And tonight will be good, I will get a lot done.

There are some videos, little shorts, of Duluth if you want to see them. They are over on my YouTube channel.

Thanks Guys!!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breathing Like a Human

Hello Dahlings,

Y’girl just went up 50 gajillion steps at Gooseberry Falls. I am finally breathing like a human being again.

Kinda proud of myself.

My sister and I are having a wonderful time. I’m so grateful to her for doing this. I can’t afford these things right now.

I’ve made my steps plus everyday. If I did this hiking and walking business everyday, I’d be in shape in no time.

There are so many memories up here because mom and dad brought us up here yearly as kids. And I brought my kids here often. These things have such meaning to me now and I hope they do for my kids as well.

It’s important to talk about the people we love, the ones who are no longer here. It’s a beautiful to way to keep them alive in our hearts and minds.

One of my daughter’s friends ask that I say hi to her parents as well so I did that. I told them she missed them very much.

There also have been hilarious moments and TONS of laughing; the kind where you struggle not to pee your pants.

Good stuff Maynard.

I did have an awful nightmare last night and it took me a long time to finally wake up and realize it was just a dream. 

Too horrid to even write out. 

This last month, as I’ve mentioned before, my dreaming has amped up a gajillion percent.

It’s the veil. I’m convinced of it. Lots of things coming through.

I will admit I’m looking forward to snuggling my fur felines this evening.

And seeing my daughter.

Ok, I’m going to enjoy the rest of this day and we will get back to a regular schedule tomorrow.

I hope you all have a good Monday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie