Distasteful

 

Hi Everyone,

And Good Morning!

Ok, so. Yesterday was a...I mean, it was bizarre and distasteful and overall not good. Amazing what a night of sleep will do for you.

Pumpkin came up and slept with us (my daughter slept with me last night) and she was ridiculously cute.

Lots of weird ass dreams but no bad ones. My daughter dreamt about mom. She came to her. I think my daughter needed that.

Today is just gonna be today.

Yes, there are plans but nothing written in stone so to speak.

Since I am not working, I have decided that rollerskating will happen on Wednesday nights. It's cheaper and they play old school rock. 

Part of what has made it hard for me to want to go on Sunday mornings is the music they play. Me no likey.

I'm kindof doing things haphazardly. Laundry. Dishes. I need to do the whole apartment because I let everything go this last week and a half but there are no excuses now.

I've been showering a bit obsessively now that I don't have to go back to that stinky trailer, I just want to feel clean.

I realized that I haven't felt truly clean in months. I gave myself a hair mask this morning and I'm going to take a bougie bath tonight because I didn't do it last night. Yesterday got away from me, I felt out of control almost from the time I woke up and what I mean by that is circumstances around me felt out of control and I didn't like it and so I gave up, did the couch potato thing. 

Today, I will not be doing that.

I am almost to 600 for subscribers. I'm so happy. This happened all on it's own. I owe a huge debt to Pumpkin for that because every time I make a short about her, I gain a subscriber or two and then people find out I'm not a cat channel and they like the other shorts I do and it's amazing.

I do intend to shoot one or two longform videos today.

And work on cleaning and projects and getting some bathbombs going.

I'm going to post my VisionList for the year too. I'll have to probably include a link so people can see it. So hopefully, tomorrow I'll be able to do that.

Alright, well loves, I'm outta here and on with it as they say. Today can be better. 

I think I might turn my phone off. I'm kindof over people today and although I want to be seeing people, I don't want to deal with anyone today because yesterday was too much. 

A good, productive day is what I need.

I hope your day is good.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Biscuits

Hi Everyone,

What was supposed to be a good, relaxing day didn’t turn out that way.

Whatevs.

I slept so good last night. And I took a nap today.

A friend of mine called me this morning and she’s one I don’t talk to often so I took the call. Nice to catch up. The rest of the morning was a bit of a shit show.

Pretty much can say at this point, I’ve had enough of the shit show. I have literally lived the shit show for the past six months. I am over the shit show.

But it’s been very nice to hear from people who have really nice things to say to me. You know, sticking with this job is not some spectacular feat and I get that. Normal people do it all the time. But I’m gonna give myself some grace here and some props and say that all the people telling me they’re proud of me, thank you. Because we all know, I am not normal. And while I sometimes think it would be nice to be normal and that it has some strange appeal, it really doesn’t. Sticking with this job and all that came with it, is a big fucking deal for me. It’s not my norm. I am proud of myself. And I am going to allow myself to have this moment. 

And then…we’ll just get on with it.

I’m not in a good head space today. Just had a weird conversation and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Obviously I DON’T feel good about it because it’s got me feeling a number of different emotions; at the person I had the conversion with and the person the conversation was about.

This is one of those times I have to let things sink in before reacting.

Can people just be happy?

Because I wanna be happy. My parade has been rained on for 6 fucking months and you know what? It’s MY fucking parade and if I want it to be sunny, everyone else can get on board or go away.

Hmph.

Now that we have that ascertained, I do believe I will get on with this weird fucking day.

I hope yours has been good and I will be back tomorrow.

Above is a very cute video of Pumpkin making biscuits.

When in doubt, make biscuits. ALWAYS make biscuits.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Turns Out…

I am here! At work. Early. For my last day. This can be my last day for the season or it can be my last day forever. 

It’s up to me and as y’all know, y’all who read this every day, you know I prefer the latter. 

I can’t believe I made it through all this. I have snot on my sleeve from crying in my car and they are tears of fucking gratitude bruh.

Grateful I made it through this and grateful it’s my last day.

So much stress will be gone. Yes, it will be replaced with new stressors but I got that.

I have to “got that.”

Besides learning that strong sucks but it’s necessary, I learned my value.

Turns out I have some.

So just gonna get through this day and then put this behind me.

Thanks for hanging in there with me as I traversed this latest chapter.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Won’t Miss This

Good Morning!

One more day after today. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, but I have to tell you that I am so relieved. It rained last night so the ground was wet and I don’t understand, I never will, given our weather, how many Minnesotans lose their minds when they’re driving In this stuff.

Like, stop.

Because I’m an old broad. My eyesight is not as good. It’s bad enough driving in the dark, but you add any moisture to the ground and the reflections from oncoming cars literally blind me.

Today, traffic was backed up and even on the back roads where I don’t usually see a lot of cars, it was one after the other and let me tell you driving on back. Roads is not fun, considering they’re not well lit and so when you have car after car, you have my bad eyesight, and you have all the reflection coming up. Suffice to say my drive was hell.

I won’t miss this at all.

I brought the wrong thing for breakfast or I mean my lunch because I Just grabbed it out of the freezer and it wasn’t what I thought it was. So eating should be interesting today.

Suffice to say I’m over that too.

Apparently, I’m over a lot today.

I have stuff to keep me busy all morning and part of the afternoon and then it’s cleaning.

So I don’t know if I’ll be here tomorrow or not.

Even though it would fuck me completely financially, not would be OK with me.

I am a crabby, bitch, I’m not going to deny it. I’m just trying to get through today.

Sometimes, that’s the best any of us can do.

All right, I hope you all have a really good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Back is Back

 

Hello Luvies,

Well another weird night but plenty of sleep in spite of going to bed super early again. So early, that I woke up at 7:55PM  thinking it was 7:55 in the morning.

But my back is all better. I just needed something to help me relax enough for those muscles to unclinch themselves.

I am uploading a new version of my long form video for the week. I forgot to add something to it so I didn't publish it but it will go up today.

I'm going to be late to work but I don't care. I'm going to be done with everything before Friday and I need those hours so...yeah.

I am fluctuating between panic and relief right now. I can literally feel the cortisol drop when panic sets in.

And as a result, I'm feeling exhausted again but this time, I'm not sick along with it, so I know this is "ME" fighting "me".

Quit fighting girls. Quit that.

I can do this for 3 more days. I can. I got this. Don't quit so close to the finish line girlfriend.

I'm a wee bit overwhelmed this morning but I'll be fine.

Look for the video, which will be posted this afternoon some time.

I hope you all have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Better Off Without Them

Hi There,

Only Tuesday. Ok.

Even though this is my last week at work, Friday feels hundreds of years away. 

I haven't been wearing my fitbit, it's been weeks now. And I think I'm better for it. The only thing I'm worried about is my blood pressure but I'll figure that out soon enough. The Fitbit didn't track that anyways. It did measure my resting heart rate and I'm not sure if I want to track that because it was freaking me out. Going up again.

The point is that, all these things I'm attached to, all these ritualistic things...I feel like I need them but then I let go and I find out I don't need them at all. In fact, I'm just fine or better off, without them.

Now if I could just apply that to the smoking.

So. The back pain? I am sitting here pain free at the moment. I took two painkillers last night and they knocked me out but what I'm hoping happened, is that I was able to relax enough for it to "unlock" itself from whatever had it wound so tight.

We shall see as the day goes on. 

I just hope that's the case.

Oh, and the painkillers? I could never be an addict to those things. While the relief from pain and the floating was nice, I did get sick in the middle of the night. My tum just can't handle opiates and never has been able to.

I have one left, let's hope I don't need it. There's no way I can take it at work. I'm too much of a lightweight.

So I have another long form video uploading. I won't post the video until noon or so today. But there will be a gratitude short this morning.

I am trying really hard to stay in today and to be grateful and let that be my truth. Because fear is a bitch and she's a formidable one and this girl does not feel like fighting anymore.

So aligning myself with what is and finding gratitude is everything.

Alright, well I was too out of it to shower last night, so I'm gonna go do that quick and be on my way. 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

Spaceship Outta Here

Oh you guys. No good morning for me.

My back.

This has never lasted this long. I kind of want to roll over and die right now. 

I can’t.

Where is tough, strong Denise? Where is Denise Motherfucking Johnson?

I don’t know man, she took the first spaceship outta here.

Cant say I blame her.

Not at all.

Ok.

Well in spite of this current conundrum, I did get some things done yesterday. It’s extremely hard to concentrate when I’m in pain but I did apply for a job. 

I did shoot two long form videos.

I did make myself some food and clean up after myself. 

I managed a shower.

Like nothing earth shattering here but I fucking did something.

The ol’ effin-heimer comes out WAY more when I’m in pain. 

No apologies. We all know I swear like a motherfucker and I’m not about to stop now.

I finally called a chiropractor, I cannot afford this. Can the Universe fucking stop throwing me things that cost money? This is not living, it’s not even surviving.

One good piece of news is someone I know haas something for the pain. It’s a prescription. So I know it’s safe. But I don’t blame people for seeking out relief however they can. 

Addiction is real. But I just wish this country had better insurance and I wish doctors were more prone to finding solutions, like getting to the root of the problem but giving you something in the interim.

No one should have to live with constant pain. This sucks. My little back problem hopefully is only temporary. I’ll get through this. I just am hoping that with the medication, I’ll finally be able to relax enough that maybe whatever this is, will have a chance to heal itself.

Fingers crossed. I’m not at all ashamed to admit that tonight and tomorrow at least, I won’t have pain.

Alright, I gotta go. 

Be Blessed Loves.

Love and Light,

Neecie