More Miles

Hello and Good Morning,

Well here I am with enough sleep under my belt, feeling refreshed and well rested. My cat woke me up this morning but luckily she did it after I'd had enough sleep.

She eats paper; bites it and then tears it off and in the middle of the night, it sounds like the gates of hell are being ripped open.

I'm worried about her. I need to get her in to get her blood checked and just checked in general. Yesterday, she followed me around all day and cried. She never does that. She is a Momma's girl, always has been but it's amped up bigtime. 

I mean, at 16, anything could be happening with her.

It was cute though, she wanted to be picked up when I was cleaning the kitchen last night and so I picked her up and she cuddled over my shoulder and I kept right on cleaning.

Whatever comfort I can offer, I will. I just dearly wish she'd stop finding to shit to rip up at night. We're overflowing with everything because of...you guessed it. It's so small here.

Anyways, I'm going to get this house cleaned this morning. I am getting my drinks and my food ready to go for tomorrow so all I will have to do is pack it in the morning.

The only thing I need right now is paper towels. I think I can afford that, lol.

We have enough toilet paper and I went and saw my former roommate yesterday to check up on him and he loaded us a garbage bag full of frozen dinners, etc. 

I don't eat too much of that stuff but I'm grateful to have it until I am on a regular cycle of paychecks. I get paid weekly and that is amazing.

So few companies do that but for me, it means that in case of some kind of emergency, there's cash there. It's budgeted cash, but I'm talking emergency here; the sky is falling kind of emergency.

You get the point.

No matter what happens, no matter how I feel, I am not going to buy cigs tomorrow AM. I will get through the day and we shall see. I'm not promising anything, I'm simply saying, I will get through the majority of my day without cigs.

I'm nervous! But more than that, I am excited about the future. I haven't had that in awhile.

I also now have enough miles to book two trips. I'm not using them now but in December, once I'm laid off for the season, I am going to Washington for sure and later, in February, I may go to Florida to see my Aunt.

And who knows, if I have more miles, I may go back out to Jersey for a visit. The great thing is that I won't have to rent a hotel for Washington and Florida.

This is all up in the air. I have finances to fix, I have an apartment to move out of...there are so many things coming up. 

This is me thinking aloud because that's what I do.

This way, you can all be witness to the chaos that is Denise's brain. It's like Herman's Head...all the characters are there, vying for attention, lol.

Alright, well I'm going to get moving so this day doesn't fly by with me missing it.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Onwards

 

Good Morning,

Second night not sleeping well in a bit. That's with the medication. I'm not sure why. I think much of it has to do with all the thoughts in my head.

Thoughts and worries about my new job; will I be able to do it? Am I going to fail at this one too? 

My dept; will I really be able to pay it off? Is it possible?

How will the apartment ever get cleaned?

Am I going to get enough sleep?

I mean, you get it. My head won't stop.

I'm so fucking stressed out.

And I just pooped for the 5th time this morning. 

Seriously, I need to get myself in order.

My daughter has been sleeping with me the past couple nights and in theory I don't mind but the thing is, it keeps me from doing the things in my room that I like to do in the morning...put away clean clothes, meditate, pick up, wash my sheets, whatever it happens to be.

Right now, because we're on a warming trend, the apartment gets pretty warm but it's still cool at night so I put the fan in the window and it's frickin' freezing in there. Which we both like so I understand.

But I think she'll be OK with me saying, "hey, not once I start working."

I don't know. I have a lot to get done and I've been overwhelmed.

I really need to get shit done.

But I've been my own worst enemy in this.

So.

I need to calm the fuck down.

Since she's in my room now, I'm gonna start out here, in the living room.

And we'll just go from there.

So much to do.

Alright, I'm gonna go and meditate and make a list...yeah, I know, but without a list nothing gets done and with one, at least some things get done.

Onwards!

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Shift in Pressure

 

Good Morning!

Just curious how everyone in MN slept last night? The predicted AM storms didn't come, thankfully but tonight it's on, according to the weather reports.

I'm wondering if there's a shift in pressure. Even with my meds, I didn't sleep well at all and the cats were going nuts last night. All 3 of them were meowing and in and out of my room, jumping up on things, etc.

In fact, Pumpkin is pacing back and forth by my feet right now. That's not like her.

Weird.

I'm going to take a shower because I've put it off and I'm not pleasant right now. But I might go back to bed.

My plan for today is to clean and make bath bombs.

At this point, I feel so ridiculous making plans because I am really struggling to push through this lethargy that's had me in it's grip for far too long.

I have a feeling that today will be one of those days that I have to stay busy and I have to push through. Like, it'll have to be a conscious effort.

I'm not good at those.

But at any rate...please be safe tonight if you're in the Twin Cities. It's possibly gonna be a buckle yourself in for the ride kind of night.

I wanna text my bestie about something but it's only 4:22AM where she is. So I gotta wait.

 So on that note, I am going to get going.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Push

 

Hello Dahhhhlings,

Sunday. 

I wish I was starting work tomorrow. I'm still a teeny bit stressed about $$ but we'll get there. I had a weird thing happen yesterday. It wasn't a good day. 

I was overcome with self-doubt, like I can't do this. Like I'm gonna fail again.

It's not a good feeling. I feel better about things today.

Thankfully.

There are days when you can't fight it and you need to give yourself grace on those days. On the days you can fight it, you push yourself a bit.

Today, we gonna do the push.

I went through yesterday and figured out a schedule for myself. It's gonna be tough. I'm not used to going like that but it's life and if I want to get through this, if I want to pay everything off and if I want to make Willow's Whimsy happen so I can finally begin saving $$, at the very least to ensure that if I were to lose this job for any reason that I would be OK.

I never want to go through anything like this again.

Ever.

Period.

I started looking for apartments. I found a 3 bedroom (so I can have an office) that has way more square feet in it and is $200 less per month. It's in Dayton, MN, which sucks but it's not that far out. 

You know, I had wanted to find a landing spot we could comfortably be in for at least a couple years but it didn't work out that way. This apartment is not doable...for all the reasons.

I didn't actually see pics of the apartment, they had floor plans only. I have to start looking in June for Oct. 1st.

It's scary. Knowing all this is coming yet again.

But we're not there yet now are we? Time to just focus on today.

I'm happy because I can get my edibles again. I won't be drug tested for the new job and I only use 'em for sleep sooooooo......

Although sleep has been alright for the most part. 

I'm too in my head right now, thinking about all the "stuff" that is coming and all I have to do to prepare for what's coming.

I am not gonna just chill today. Little goals make big things happen. I can do it all, just not all at once.

So.

I'm gonna say goodbye and I'll be back tomorrow.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Out of Doubt

 

Hi Everyone,

Well. What a day yesterday it was. 

My body literally experienced a physical relief that I've never...well, I've just never had that experience before.

I got the job.

The one where I thought they were ghosting me. I'm just...so shocked. Still. But happy. Really happy. 

Pumpkin rarely jumps up on my lap for cuddles, she's the type that will lay next to you for awhile but I swear she felt my relief. She plopped right down on my tummy on the couch and we took a nap together. 

I was literally about to go in for a temp job interview when I got the call.

I'm so happy. I really thought they were ghosting me, I really did and it was my sister who had this really strong feeling that I was gonna get it, that they were just super busy, which is the case.

All of my intuition had gone out the window this time, I had nada.

But sister knew.

I am overwhelmed by this right now...happy but overwhelmed so I actually don't have too much to write. 

However, I will write more tomorrow as I get my head around this and budgeting and goals, etc.

I will say this and I'm gonna stand by it for the rest of my life: Mom coming to see me in my dreams last December was everything and literally everything that has happened since fits into her message that I was going to be OK. I started to doubt at the end; so much so that Dad had to make a visit to reassure me and still...I eventually sunk into doubt. It's hard not to.

But from here on out, we are going to be OK.

I know that now.

Here's today's video. I took down the two most recents. I will still be me but I gotta keep things sortof on the lo lo.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Likey

 

Hello,

I have just under 10 minutes to whip this badboy out. I have an interview for a fucking contract position. I hate this.

I hate putting makeup on for this, I hate doing my hair and I hate dressing up. I hate the people I interview with because they have all the power.

Lots of hate going on there. I'm just sick of this, I'm just at the end of my rope and I want to tear shit up and burn it down.

On another note, I had a good morning. I messaged with a childhood friend and then I talked to my bestie on the phone and...yup, you guessed it. We were laughing our asses off. Maybe we should just have a standing date that we talk every weekday morning, even if it's just for 10 minutes.

So those things put a smile on my face and will keep it there.

My apartment is hot. Not hot like hellfire but hot. We are at temps where this starts to happen but I cannot afford to run the air yet.

Bla.

At least it's still cold at night, so I open the window a crack and it's cold enough for me to sleep comfortably.

6 minutes.

I'm OK. I am feeling resentful and angry today. I'm not mad at myself today. I'm mad at all the job holders.

They are the Lannisters, the Volturi, the Captains in a Handmaids tale.

I no likey them. No bueno at all.

Down with them all.

Ok, now that bit of drama is out of my system, we shall continue on.

Enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Employer's Game

 

Hello there,

The days go by so quickly while I'm experiencing this whole job search, panic, relief, panic, relief cycle. It's so annoying.

I interviewed for a job via zoom about a week and a half ago and then a week ago, they asked me to come in for a face to face and it went very, very well.

The woman I interviewed with said that they expected to know by this past Monday, Tuesday at the latest so I called her Tuesday and she sounded different. You can just tell you know.

She told me that she'd just been so busy but that she's know by yesterday and I didn't get a call, no email telling me thanks but no thanks. 

Nada.

So the only thing to do is to go on. 

I felt so positive about this one.

It's shitty when people don't do what they say they are going to do. I mean, I've done it too so there's really no blame but I guess...just frustration.

It's an employers game right now. But I just feel that an employer should be accountable, like an interview is for the potential employee to figure out as well, if this is a good fit. And I felt like I did but now, I think they are shitty and if this how they do business...believe me, if by some miracle they did call today and offer me the position, I would take it but I'd go into it jaded.

Whatever. I'm working on focusing on what comes next and I do have an interview tomorrow for a contract position. It's close, it pays what I need to make my budget and I just have to do my best and hope that this is it. It's not a temp to perm and it's not enough money to be able to save anything but it would be enough to pay my rent, pay my bills and in the meanwhile, keep applying for permanent positions.

But again, I'm up against several people because the contracting agency gives them several to look at. 

This is so hard. I know I've made that clear, but it is. I just want a landing spot. It's like flying, only your wings have been removed so your bounced here and there at the whimsy of the wind and you have absolutely no control.

It is what it is, right?

All of life is just that...what it is.

And so I go on.

There will be job search today.

I went and worked for the woman I've written about before, it's not a lot but every little bit helps. I am incredibly grateful for her right now. And she's lovely. I know she'd hire me on the spot if she was ready for a fulltime employee. But she's not. Still, I don't treat this any different than any job. I let her direct me, tell me what to work on and I do my best. I don't dawdle or waste my time.

Because I'm grateful.

I did post a video yesterday. Here it is.

When I went back and watched this, I just cracked up. I have worked for some "interesting" characters. I really should write a book. There are so many I could write but for sure, just about the jobs I've had, it's hilarious. Sad too, when I look back and see the pattern that has been my life...like a rat in a cage on a treadmill. But I did that to myself.

I'm not beating myself up about it, at least I can laugh about it. 

I think of mom saying, "Oh Neecie, it wasn't that bad, if it weren't for you, I'd still be naive."

Momma.

So anyways, I worked late, I did get enough sleep. Sleep has not been an issue for about a week or so now and I'm grateful for that too.

And a handsome man flirted with me at the gas station today. 

So there's that.

LOL, take it where you can folks, take it where you can.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie