I Told Myself...

 

Good Morning!

You guys, the sun is shining. We had sunshine yesterday too. Then we had storms. I had to move my car into the huge garage we have at work and then the power went out and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get our cars out, but alas, the power came back on. I left almost a half hour early, my boss told me I should because there was a lull in the weather and it was supposed to get bad again.

I have no idea how, maybe it was that burst of sunshine but I'll be damned if I didn't exercise and do the dishes.

I had more on my list, I did give myself a facial but other than that...pffffttt. 

Still it was more than usual and for that, I am grateful.

So the co-owner of the company talked to me yesterday, she's my boss's mom. She was much nicer than my boss about it. She wasn't confrontative and she didn't do it in front of someone else the way my boss did.

It comes down to two things; how long I take to get things done and accuracy.

This is nothing new folks.

The only difference this time around is that I am willing to try and see what happens and not give up. I would've walked last week if I were the same person.

And I'm allowing myself some reflection but also trying not to use said reflection to flagellate myself.

I'm tired of being my own whipping girl. I'm the whipped and the whipper.

I just, that serves no purpose.

Right now, you guys, my YouTube channel is making me so happy. From my numbers and views going up to the beautiful, supportive comments I get and some would look and say, "that's not much" but it's everything to me, each like, each subscriber, each lovely comment...I hold that shit in my heart and it feeds me.

All those videos I watched about near death experiences, it's changed me. It's just really all about love and it's got to start with me loving myself.

You know, loving myself to stay the course on this job so that if they fire me, they fire me with me knowing I tried, that I gave it my all and tried to keep that from happening.

I'm not dumb. I'm not.

This is something I have struggled with since adolescence and I'm only now seeing this and the patterns and how I somehow became someone who gave up and who bolted when things got difficult or challenging because it was easier to do that than to face the humiliation of getting "talked to" or being confronted on the things I struggle with.

I gave up. Yeah, it was self-sabotage but I'm seeing the bigger picture now too. I'm seeing "me" in this and how some of this...I mean at the end of the day, it's my fault and I own that but it's also not my fault that this wasn't addressed when I was young. It's not anyone's fault. 

I have this other disorder and my own behavior was so bad that no one else, very few, could see past that to try and find the "why's" either. I want to make it clear I'm not blaming anyone. 

I would not have accepted help back then. I thought I knew everything and that everyone else was the problem, not me.

But I wish I would've seen this then, I just told myself I didn't care and that everything would work out.

I'm running out of time.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Mornings that Fly By

 

Good Morning!

Monday again, huh? Ugh!

I realize that's not a positive way to start my blog. I'm actually in a good place. Not enough, even with all 3 sleep aids.

It's OK.

I didn't check my sleep stats until after I'd gone on my morning walk, drank some water and meditated.

Because I let to many things rule me, and so that's a new rule.

No checking until you actually have time to check in with yourself Denise.

Got it.

I'm still very much on the fence in regards to this sleep thing.

I really believe that in perfect circumstances, I could change all this up naturally but life is rarely perfect, is it?

So I shall just do what I can.

Time goes by way to quickly in the mornings.

It's so hard for me to not waste it.

But so far, so good this morning. 

Yesterday, I just allowed myself to do very little. I hardly got in any steps but I believe that that was the hydroxyzine in my system.

Having not taken it for awhile, I think I can now safely say that that stuff is going to be for Friday nights only...just to catch up on what I miss during the week.

With what happened at work last week, I need to be on my toes.

And also, instead of, "I hate this job#, I'm saying I'm grateful for my paycheck.

Here is the video I posted yesterday.

Again, thank you for your views, your thumbs up, my subscribers, etc. 

Just thank you!!

I'm working on a new one as we speak, but it'll go up tomorrow and not on my blog until Wednesday.

Okie, well have a great week all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What Works & What Doesn't

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday wasn't a bad day at all, it was just a chill day. It was hard because I knew 2 people lost their lives because of a crazy man and two other people will probably have a lifetime of recovery in front of them because said crazy man shot them but they didn't die.

You guys, this hate.

This hate.

It weighs heavy on me. 

There was a no kings march here yesterday and the governor had told people not to come out because these shootings had been politically motivated. Hatred for the democrat party. But sooo many people went anyways. I can't tell you how much respect I have for people who stand up.

And my blog isn't meant to be political but can I just say that I have respect for anyone who stands up in the face of fear and protests/marches peacefully, without harm to others.

I think many of us have fallen into what I call a sortof lackadaisical kind of submission. Not gonna lie, it humbles me when I see people pushing through their fear and daring to stand up and say no to this kind of behavior.

I think that maybe the days of being a couch potato democrat or republican or independent or libertarian need to minimize.

Everyone's afraid and I think that fear is legit here but I also think, get up off the couch and do something. If you don't, then you really have no right to bitch about anything. I am applying that to myself as well.

Ok, off of that subject, hey, I did the dishes yesterday, lolol. I did the fucking dishes. I actually had a good day. I gave myself grace.

Today will be what it is going to be. I'm not planning this shit out.

I need to make a decision about my sleeping meds so I guess let's do that here. The hydroxyzine bumps my total, average sleep time up by about an hour average. It also increases my REM and Deep sleep times. The catch is that I pay in terms of grogginess and lethargy in the morning and it does seem to dumb me down as far as productivity.

They hydroxyzine doesn't work on it's own, I still drink my sleep drink and on most nights, I take an edible.

The cost of all this a month, is about $120.00 to $140.00 a month.

I mean, I think I have my answer just based on price alone. The hydroxyzine runs about $21.00 every month to two months depending on how many I take per night, because sometimes I take 2. I try not to do that because mornings are not good when I do it, just trying to get going and waking up.

I need to not just "think" about this but make a decision and then really stick to my plan...bedtime of 9:00PM with 30 minutes off my phone and just reading the old fashioned way, book in hand prior to said bedtime.

I have two videos for this week but will probably shoot a few more today...maybe.

As always, I am so grateful for the support I receive here and on my YouTube channel. I have seen more growth, organic growth in the past 3 months than ever before and I am so humbled and grateful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Murder in Minnesota

 

Hello,

My heart is heavy. Murder in MN. Politically motivated.

It's moments like these, that I really question everything. How am I supposed to feel? I'm too overcome to be angry.

It blows me away that I still feel disbelief when these things occur. 

Americans, not safe in their homes, because of their views.

This is nothing new. The world has been like this since man first developed the ability to assess, to process information intelligently although I use that word lightly.

Is any of this really worth it?

Our time here is limited and fragile. We waste it on really stupid shit...war, power, greed, wealth...and we don't take it with us when we leave. Maybe that's what they are afraid of, those people who worship at the altar of these things because it is all fear. More! Why? You have more than a million people put together will ever have in their lifetimes, you couldn't possibly need all that...yet there are those who continue to strive for those things.

They are scared of their death and so they cling to the wrong things in life. They don't care who suffers, who they step on, who they harm.

They are so afraid of their time limitations here, that they don't give a fuck who they harm or who suffers.

Like I said, I just don't even know how to feel about what happened at my back door this morning. Coon Rapids is one city over from Brooklyn Park, from Champlin...

If you haven't heard what happened, please be careful. There is a shelter in place in Brooklyn Park right now and as of this writing, I don't believe they have caught the perp, who was dressed as a Police Officer and had an SUV that looked like a cop car, with flashing lights and everything. The car has been confiscated, along with a list of Democrats that he planned to kill. He was able to escape one of his murder sites on foot when the real police showed up.

Officers, be careful.

People, be careful.

I am worried about my daughter. She works right by BP. 

This is sad. This is just...at the end of the day...it's sad. 

I'm sure I'll become angry at some point, just numb and processing not only my disbelief but also the fact that I feel disbelief at all.

Be safe out there.

And be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sleep At Last

Good Morning!

Wow. 

So last night, I picked up my daughter’s sleeping medication, she doesn’t use it, but it’s the same stuff I used. My drink powder for sleep came as well so I went over to my former rommie’s place to pick it up and I took that too and I took an edible. You can see, I am desperate for sleep.

And man! Did I get some. 7 hrs and 54 minutes. Almost two hours of REM and an hour and 17 of deep. 

I am dead groggy this morning.

I’m sure my body will be happy but right now, I’m just trying to shake myself into bright consciousness.

Wow.

I’ll take it though!

The end goal will always be for me to sleep without any of this stuff but for now…grateful.

I’m groggy but the gloom and doom has lifted.

Just have to get myself moving because I overslept in order to give myself this. Not long enough that I’ll be late though.

I have so much to do at work and I’m going to set a nice, steady pace and just…gett’er done.

My goals for this evening are simple ones.

Do the dishes, order groceries for the week (to be picked up tomorrow) and shower.

That's it. That's all she wrote.

I am really thinking about life.

And just...all my rituals and things to do and little mini-obsessions, like keeping the house clean. Good thing, a clean house, but I use it to keep myself from thinking other things through.

My boss asked me to start making calls to the people who expressed interest in getting an estimate done for their DW's but never answered back. It's a dead season.

I think it's because of the economy and all the rain. When it rains, our guys don't work. And it has rained this summer.

It's raining today.

It's going to be cloudy all weekend and then mostly cloudy with some sun and some possibility of thunderstorms all next week.

This weather...just...wow.

I still remember my bestie calling me when her daughter was a baby. She was sobbing and I thought something had happened to her little one; but no, she said through her sobs, "Denise, the sun is shining for the first time in 45 days."

She lives in Washington.

Weather is changing everywhere so I don't know if they still get tons of rain, I know it's heated up there much more than what used to be the norm, just don't know about the rain.

Minnesota has not gotten rain like this in forever.

We're lucky to put two days of sunshine together this year.

To me, that's just absolutely crazy.

But I don't run this show...soooo...no control over it. In the words of Led Zeppelin, "Cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good."

Luckily, I don't feel the need to cry today and as for prayin', I'll do it anyways, albeit in the car, driving into work, because it makes me feel better.

Last night, after work, I ran a bunch of errands, one after the other, I didn't get home until just after six so I allowed myself to stay down last night, give myself some permission to do the crash thing and not feel bad about it.

I am always blown away at my attitude when I get sleep and when I get rest and how quickly things spiral when I don't.

Sleep. It has to be a major priority for me, it just does.

I wonder if when I was little, if I was worse when I didn't get enough sleep? I mean, I was a little shit as it was so it may have been hard to measure it, had mom and dad thought to do so.

I'm not sure.

22 years ago, Dad died. 

My dear dear Dad. I miss him. With every ounce of my being, I miss him.

I will write about him tonight, do a twofer.

Loss never, ever leaves you...it just somehow, becomes bearable.

So I will try to have a good day, in his honor and I will smile and think of happy times.

I love all of you.

Thank you for your support.

Here's the short I posted yesterday.

I'll do another one today. 

Look how crooked my nose looks in the pic of me in the video above. LOL!!

Be Blessed You Guys!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Pain or Sorrow

Good morning,

So I just have to be upfront. Cause there is so much going on with me. I made major decisions.

No matter what the cost, I am going to get the insurance that I qualify for through work. I’m eligible as of July 1 so I just have to hang in until then. I am just really hoping I can go to the same clinic that I’ve always gone to or at least that I’ve gone to for the last 5 to 10 years or so.

I need to get my lungs checked. It’s funny because we know that there’s smoke in the air from Canada yet you don’t think of it as something that can really hurt you. It’s officially hurting me.

I am having an incredibly difficult time, giving up smoking and you guys, I can’t breathe in the mornings. I have one of those oximeters that I use and so far my oxygen levels are fine. But my chest is so tight and I just struggle to get breath in sometimes.

My goal is to just let myself smoke with as little guilt as possible, and as little self bashing as possible and then quit on Saturday. And I already told my daughter I don’t wanna be in the car, she’s going to have to get herself to and from work. I am just going to stay home and not smoke for two days and hopefully I can get stuff done. I just know how I am and I am, it’s like I turn into a maniac when I quit. All that emotional stuff then I’m able for the most part to contend with when I’m smoking, comes out and it’s not good for anyone. I don’t want my shit to affect anyone negatively. And I am going to have to be very, very gentle with anyone who comes in my space because I will be vulnerable to things like annoyance, and anger. At least I know these things about myself, and I can be prepared. 

I had some really good days and I stick to what I said about experiencing peace but that’s not the case now.

The last three days, I have been experiencing one of these crashes.

So yeah, once I qualify for Medical, I am going to go into the doctor. I need to have a Pap smear because I’ve had issues there and haven’t been able to be checked in two years, I need a lung CT to see what I’m really looking at damage wise to my lungs, And I need to get back on medication. This time I want the antidepressant that works, but I also want something for the ADHD. My daughter has a standing prescription for the stuff that I use to sleep and I’ve been off of it for almost a month but clearly, I haven’t figured all this sleep stuff out yet and so I’m gonna need something because going days at a time; well you guys already know, I write about it all the time.

My daughter and I had a really good talk last night and I think we both were able to be honest. Sometimes being honest isn’t what other people want to hear because it scares them or it hurts them. We didn’t have things to say about each other so much other than that, we worry, it was more how we’re dealing with life in general.

 

It is so hard to be there for others when you are struggling, but love is Paramount. Love, compassion and kindness.

I am also really seeing how I am with money. It is so easy for me to justify and deny because I’m not buying clothes, I’m not buying shoes or make up, but I spend a fortune on supplemental things and a fortune on skin care things.

So it really isn’t about the things I buy, it’s about buying and the release it gives me. When I say, I am becoming, it’s hitting me from every corner of my life.

I am slowly getting rid of toxicity around me, but now I have to get rid of the toxicity in me.

And while I can’t fix everything right this minute, I can be on the journey.

I have had these incredible moments and they are fleeting but when I have them, I am so grateful.

Knowing peace, contentment, and just trying to find my way through things with eyes wide open, these are very good things.

I have to get through the next couple weeks and it will take time once I am able to get on medication, for it to kick in, but I can do this.

I can do this.

I know this is morose and I try not to be dramatic anymore, but I went down this rabbit hole of watching videos on near death experiences because you just wanna know, you just wanna know that there’s something else. Something better. Something that makes this life worth it.

And the one thing, regardless of how the others experience, God, because that varies, is this complete feeling of love, and acceptance. This complete togetherness and understanding that we all are a part of each other.

And this life, every one of them said, is about love and service.

There is no pain, or sorrow and that’s why we come here, we come here to have this journey and to experience all emotions. I don’t know, I still get tripped up on the whole if you choose your life thing, why would you choose to be a horrible person who does horrible things. Why would that be your journey and why do you get to skate when you do horrible things down here? Like, why is there no repercussion?

I guess I won’t know any of this until I do die and I guess if none of this is real, then I won’t know anything.

Ok, so that’s what I’ve got for you today.

Just going to be honest, I don’t really want to do today. I don’t want to go to work, I did not wanna go to work yesterday, but I did. And I will go today. And I will really just try to focus on believing in the process and having faith that there’s a reason for all of this. That there are some meaning in all of this.

So there you have it.

I’m going to try to have a good day and I am going to hope that you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Morose with the Moon

Good morning,

How is everybody this morning? I am good but I really didn’t sleep. Full moon today so I am assuming that tonight will be better. At least for the most part, I know to be prepared for these nights now.

I had a weird day and it ended on a good note but it was just weird. I went into work late yesterday, I mean, I let my boss know and everything so everything is fine, but I got so overwhelmed by the apartment. I had cleaned this weekend and I just felt like it was blowing up again and out of control.

So I called in, and I did all the dishes, I cleaned my car out completely, I showered, and I even put a little make up on. I went for a walk I meditated and it was actually a good morning, but I had to take time off to do it. And to make myself feel some measure of peace. 

I like to think that I’m on this journey and I’m getting my shit together but sometimes I wonder if I really am. I wonder what is really changing.

I wonder if I am really changing.

I met my friend for dinner last night and it was so fun and we laughed and talked and just had a great time, but you know, I came home and I was pooped. But I just laid in bed and could not get to sleep and when I finally did, I woke up at like Two in the morning and I did not go back to sleep until about 4:30 and I allowed myself to sleep until six and now I’m in go mode to get to work on time, but I realized something. And I think I’ve said this before, but I am very, very lonely.

Much of it is my fault because I get so tired during the week that when I get home, I don’t allow myself to talk to friends or see friends during the week and then on the weekends of course, usually people are busy with their own plans. And I just keep plugging along.

Seeing my friend last night made me realize that I am just still way too rigid in my thinking and how I go about life.

I don’t want to sit here and bash on myself. It’s just hard. I feel like so much of my children’s childhood was missed by me because I was doing my own thing and had my own agenda. And now they’re grown, and I miss them.

It’s not like I never see my kids, I live with one of them, but our schedules are so different and it’s just hard.

I feel sometimes like I’m just in this vicious circle of existence and I wanna be in the middle of life and I want to experience it.

I usually only pray in the mornings, right after I meditate but last night I offered up myself to whatever the greater consciousness really is and I just said that apparently my way of doing things isn’t working and I need help And I just sort of surrendered myself to that and said, I’m open. Please guide me and show me and lead me to something better. Something different.

And I think I’m kind of morose this morning because I’m so tired and tired isn’t something I wear well.

I hope this isn’t too much of a downer of a blog. Here’s the video I posted yesterday along with the short that I posted.

Again, I continue to be so grateful for the support that you all show me with my channel.

It is the only creative outlet, other than my blog, that I have allowed myself lately, and I really need to allow myself to do the other things that fool me and make me happy.

But yes, thank you for the support.

OK, well on with my day. I certainly wish you guys a really good one! 

Be blessed. 

Love and Light,

Neecie