I Never Have To...

 

Good Morning Everyone,

I've been struggling all morning with motivation. I killed it yesterday. I need to kill it today. If I do, tomorrow is all about doing things I like doing, I want to do, relaxation, etc.

Why is it so important? It's important because I can't be sitting on my ass. I've done a lot of it during this lay off and it wasn't supposed to be this way. Always with the excuses with me. Geez.

I want this amazing life and amazing opportunities but I seem to want them to just come to me and I do know that that happens for some people but it's not the norm. Hard work.

And we all know I suck at hard work.

I got a great night's sleep so you think I would be jumping at the bit to start my day but nooooo.

So I'm starting it now.

I'm not sure what kept me motivated yesterday but whatever it was...it was good.

Wonder Woman stance starts now.

Today can be a lot of things. 

I never have to weigh as much as I do right now.

I never have to smoke again.

I never have to be quite as poor as I am today.

I never have to wish my life away, I can do.

I never have to fully give in to depression or my weird ritual oriented anxiety.

I never have to pick again.

There are so many I never have to's again.

I never have to be lazy again unless it's planned.

I don't know, let's get this bitch going because yesterday felt so good and I went to bed knowing that I rocked it and it felt amazing.

I want to go to bed feeling that every night for the rest of my life.

So on that note, forwards we go.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Preparing Now

 

Hi Everyone,

Ahhhhh, it's been a get up and go kind of day and I am hoping I can maintain this until bedtime because today is that day. I just want to be productive and get shit behind me.

There is much to do and not all of it is the normal stuff I do ritualistically.

So onwards little soldier go I.

I'm getting to that point with all of this where I am sick of myself. I'm sick of my stupid patterns, I'm sick of struggling emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'm sick of my life being the way it is.

And so today; today I'm not questioning anything or overthinking anything, at least so far. Let's just continue that.

Please and thank you.

After this blog, I have some other computer stuff to do and you know, then it's on with the damn list. I mean the "computer stuff" denotes important things, it's just that they are sit down and focus kinds of things.

We all know how that goes with me but it is what it is.

So just push through. I did the wonder woman stance thing this morning. I learned that from Grey's Anatomy. You stand like one of the comic book heros, feet spread out about a foot and a half, head up, hands strongly on your hips and you see yourself as a superhero. I'm a big one for visuals. I imagine myself as Linda Carter, in her wonder woman suit, strong, beautiful, confident and ready to go. The thing about it is, yeah, it's goofy at first but it is empowering and if things get flaky during the day, including me and my attitude or my motivation, I can either stand up and do the stance again or I can at least envision it.

And I imagine it filling me with superhuman powers, lol.

Imma powerful biatch and I don't play. Not to sound tough but you know, tough on myself in a good way.

I'm going on 4 hours of sleep right now, it hasn't been good. The full moon is Sunday so I should sleep OK tomorrow night but we shall just have to wait and see what tonight brings.

I am going to be busy on a level I haven't been before once I start working again because I will have a second job until all my debt is paid off.

The day all loans, credit cards and personal debts are paid off, I quit the second job.

But I have to start exercising discipline and self-awareness now so I'm ready for it when it comes. So...I plan to stay busy as fuck with Sunday's being my only down day because I will not work on Sundays. I need at least one day a week off.

Ok, so there you have it.

I'll let you know tomorrow how the rest of the day goes.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Nightmares

Hi Everyone,

I forgot to blog yesterday. It would've been more of the same anyways. Lord.

Anyways, last night I went to bed at 8:30 and I did wake up a couple times but went right back to sleep, until 1:00AM that is. I was up until 4. My daughter couldn't sleep either. 

I did eventually fall back to sleep around 4 and got up at 7:30 but you guys...the dreams. And I know what each and every one of them meant. It's fear related to what I've been going through with the finances. 

And I swear...once I either go back to the job I'm laid off from, or get a new one, I will never be in this situation again. Never.

I can cry and bemoan oh why, oh why but the answer is quite simple. Because I behave like an asstard when it comes to money.

Hello.

Hollah.

Yeah, so never again.

If I go back to the job I'm laid off from, I will continue to look for something without a layoff but I'll be getting a second job too and by the time I'm laid off at this job again, if that ends up being the case...I will be credit card and personal debt free and the only thing I'll have to worry about is the loan I have. That's the biggest one of all. And that's going to take more than 9 months to fix.

I talked to my daughter too last night and if things are going well, we intend to sign the lease in August for one more year and then...we'll be saving to get the hell out.

I want to write about what kind of place I want to live in, but I've written about before and we're not there yet.

Full moon in two days and I am going to do ritual for the first time in what feels like a millenia.

Today, I am going to start out doing all the things I usually put off until my morning routine is complete and thus do not get done. I've made some body butters and I need to make some more and some bathbombs, I need to do my taxes. Job search.

Ok, so I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light and be a badass,

Neecie

 

Huge Differences

 

Good Morning,

What a weird day. I slept ok. And I woke up different. Not fully energized, not overly happy, definitely not content but also not agitated.

Just Denise.

But that's good.

There's a tiny bit of relief here but...we can't relax fully, we have to still be vigilant, we have to remember why things went down the way they have in the first place. And who set it in motion.

Small man is gone, or so I thought, but I need to find out more because it seems to me that people descended upon a hotel they thought he was at and I thought he was gone already.

I have no idea. Everything changes so quickly and the news just spits out situation after situation and it can be so hard to keep up with it all.

Anyways, the sun is shining. We've had a lot more sunshine in the past few days than we had had before. It does make a difference, it makes a huge difference.

I need to get some interviewing clothes. I found a pair of dress pants I'd like but they were WAY too much $$.

And being I have no idea how we're gonna pay the rent in 8 days, I probably shouldn't get those pants. I have no problem going to a second hand store but that can be torture given my body shape. I'm short. Even plump, I need petites but that can be problematic too.

I'll figure it out. It could be I have to get pants new but could find a nice top piece at a second hand place.

I'd order on Shein but it won't get here in time.

I have a love, hate relationship with Shein.

Microplastics.

You can't avoid them completely but things that are 100% cotton or have a higher ration of cotton to polyesters, etc., are SO much more expensive.

And a friend of mine's daughter, who is an environmental engineer explained something to me about clothing made with bamboo (which is very expensive too but so good for the environment); because bamboo is not indigenous to the states, the cost of shipping these items and the environmental toll that shipping takes, renders it a moot issue.

What a world we live in.

Basically, we all need to be walking around naked and only eating food that is produced nearby to live a truly healthy for the environment life. It also means going 100% off the farking grid.

And while that has a certain kind of romantic appeal, I would lost my shit within a week.

All that to say I need a pair of pants. I need to try on my damn spanks too because things are a jiggle.

Why am I hearing the pokemon song, "Jiggily Puff" going through my head now.

Ok, this is going nowhere fast.

It's a new day.

The sun is out for now.

The possibilities are endless even if more of the same seems likely.

So there you go.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed. Be careful.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

10 Minutes

Good Morning,

How is everyone today? Looks like we have at least 5 more days of this cold shit. I mean this really cold shit. 

I am very grateful for my family and the fact that we were all together to celebrate my brother inlaw's birthday and my birthday. 

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I don't want to do anything, not even celebrate. I think we owe it to ourselves to do so because these things are important and they give us some sense of normalcy in a world that really doesn't feel normal right now.

I'm just moving forward today, that's all I've got.

Just keep swimming. 

I lost it yesterday because of something I saw in the news but I read about it further and while still extremely concerning, I was able to put my mind at ease enough to calm down.

Still, my resting heart rate was high last night. I don't like that.

Then of course, that causes more stress. I have managed to shoot a short today, meditate, get the dirty dishes in the washer.

And now I'm blogging. I'm giving myself 10 minutes to work on something and then shift gears, it's the only way I'm going to start getting through my days productively.

Because everything is too overwhelming otherwise.

So again, no list. I'll tell y'all if I accomplish shit tomorrow.

Ok, be blessed. 

Have a great day.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

What It Will Look Like

Hi Everyone,

58 years ago today, I burst forth from my mothers loins and declared myself a citizen of this earth. A spiritual being in a tiny human body.

Had I known what I was in for, I probably would’ve turned tail and crawled right back in.

Seriously, if that were an option, I may have done just that. 

Of course, the shit doesn’t really hit the fan immediately does it? When you are the first born and you are brand new, all intentions are pure, hopeful and well meaning. Everybody loves the new baby and they are swaddled in love, welcome and joy at their mere existence.

And then…life happens, shit happens.

I had a good birthday with my family yesterday and my daughter is spoiling me today.

It was incredibly hard to get through yesterday as the murder of another Minnesotan weighed heavy on my heart.

And today, it seems somehow unfair to me to celebrate my birthday when Renee Good and Alex Pretti will never celebrate again. 

It makes my heartache.

You guys, for as much as I used to live in anger and rage, I think I was a big talker; you know burn shit up and tear it down?

I don’t have it in me.

It destroys me.

I’m not doing the head in the sand thing, I’m simply trying to find my place in it. 

I’m pretty sure something is going on that I don’t feel comfortable writing about quite yet. I will soon if there is something going on. It’s not a good something. We will see.

I’m just taking it easy today. I will resume the tired trudge forward tomorrow.

I’m grateful for another year north of the earth. In the coming year, I need to live with Renee Good and Alex Pretti in my heart because they were not afforded another day, another year…another breath and my heart can no longer not honor the great sacrifice they unwillingly made so that I can go on and in my own little way, make my life count. Not sure what that will look like.

I’m so sad.

Will any of our hearts recover?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I send happy wishes to you all.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Feeling Sick

I literally feel sick right now.

Another shooting in Minneapolis and already the vitriol and hatred and justifications and fucking yuk have started.

A man is dead.

I have no words.

Whoever the Creator or Creators really are…perhaps you should end this experiment. Humanity has failed.

Decency, kindness, empathy, charity are something that so few have anymore.

These values are viewed as weak.

Your religions only fuel hate.

Perhaps brotherly love should be the one, true religion.

Perhaps the earth should be returned to non-humans.

Already people are celebrating this man’s death on social media, spinning theories, narratives and justifications. 

Man is a vicious animal. There is no intellect or thoughtfulness in hate. It is fueled by simple, scared minds.

I’m so over this shit. I’m not saying I bow. I’m not saying don’t fight what’s right. I’m just saying I’m over this shit.

I am capable of hate too. I am capable of saying mine is justified.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t hate or want to retaliate.

I’m saying I don’t have the answers anymore.

I fear what’s coming.

There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Denise