Nightmares

Hi Everyone,

I forgot to blog yesterday. It would've been more of the same anyways. Lord.

Anyways, last night I went to bed at 8:30 and I did wake up a couple times but went right back to sleep, until 1:00AM that is. I was up until 4. My daughter couldn't sleep either. 

I did eventually fall back to sleep around 4 and got up at 7:30 but you guys...the dreams. And I know what each and every one of them meant. It's fear related to what I've been going through with the finances. 

And I swear...once I either go back to the job I'm laid off from, or get a new one, I will never be in this situation again. Never.

I can cry and bemoan oh why, oh why but the answer is quite simple. Because I behave like an asstard when it comes to money.

Hello.

Hollah.

Yeah, so never again.

If I go back to the job I'm laid off from, I will continue to look for something without a layoff but I'll be getting a second job too and by the time I'm laid off at this job again, if that ends up being the case...I will be credit card and personal debt free and the only thing I'll have to worry about is the loan I have. That's the biggest one of all. And that's going to take more than 9 months to fix.

I talked to my daughter too last night and if things are going well, we intend to sign the lease in August for one more year and then...we'll be saving to get the hell out.

I want to write about what kind of place I want to live in, but I've written about before and we're not there yet.

Full moon in two days and I am going to do ritual for the first time in what feels like a millenia.

Today, I am going to start out doing all the things I usually put off until my morning routine is complete and thus do not get done. I've made some body butters and I need to make some more and some bathbombs, I need to do my taxes. Job search.

Ok, so I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light and be a badass,

Neecie

 

Huge Differences

 

Good Morning,

What a weird day. I slept ok. And I woke up different. Not fully energized, not overly happy, definitely not content but also not agitated.

Just Denise.

But that's good.

There's a tiny bit of relief here but...we can't relax fully, we have to still be vigilant, we have to remember why things went down the way they have in the first place. And who set it in motion.

Small man is gone, or so I thought, but I need to find out more because it seems to me that people descended upon a hotel they thought he was at and I thought he was gone already.

I have no idea. Everything changes so quickly and the news just spits out situation after situation and it can be so hard to keep up with it all.

Anyways, the sun is shining. We've had a lot more sunshine in the past few days than we had had before. It does make a difference, it makes a huge difference.

I need to get some interviewing clothes. I found a pair of dress pants I'd like but they were WAY too much $$.

And being I have no idea how we're gonna pay the rent in 8 days, I probably shouldn't get those pants. I have no problem going to a second hand store but that can be torture given my body shape. I'm short. Even plump, I need petites but that can be problematic too.

I'll figure it out. It could be I have to get pants new but could find a nice top piece at a second hand place.

I'd order on Shein but it won't get here in time.

I have a love, hate relationship with Shein.

Microplastics.

You can't avoid them completely but things that are 100% cotton or have a higher ration of cotton to polyesters, etc., are SO much more expensive.

And a friend of mine's daughter, who is an environmental engineer explained something to me about clothing made with bamboo (which is very expensive too but so good for the environment); because bamboo is not indigenous to the states, the cost of shipping these items and the environmental toll that shipping takes, renders it a moot issue.

What a world we live in.

Basically, we all need to be walking around naked and only eating food that is produced nearby to live a truly healthy for the environment life. It also means going 100% off the farking grid.

And while that has a certain kind of romantic appeal, I would lost my shit within a week.

All that to say I need a pair of pants. I need to try on my damn spanks too because things are a jiggle.

Why am I hearing the pokemon song, "Jiggily Puff" going through my head now.

Ok, this is going nowhere fast.

It's a new day.

The sun is out for now.

The possibilities are endless even if more of the same seems likely.

So there you go.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed. Be careful.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

10 Minutes

Good Morning,

How is everyone today? Looks like we have at least 5 more days of this cold shit. I mean this really cold shit. 

I am very grateful for my family and the fact that we were all together to celebrate my brother inlaw's birthday and my birthday. 

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I don't want to do anything, not even celebrate. I think we owe it to ourselves to do so because these things are important and they give us some sense of normalcy in a world that really doesn't feel normal right now.

I'm just moving forward today, that's all I've got.

Just keep swimming. 

I lost it yesterday because of something I saw in the news but I read about it further and while still extremely concerning, I was able to put my mind at ease enough to calm down.

Still, my resting heart rate was high last night. I don't like that.

Then of course, that causes more stress. I have managed to shoot a short today, meditate, get the dirty dishes in the washer.

And now I'm blogging. I'm giving myself 10 minutes to work on something and then shift gears, it's the only way I'm going to start getting through my days productively.

Because everything is too overwhelming otherwise.

So again, no list. I'll tell y'all if I accomplish shit tomorrow.

Ok, be blessed. 

Have a great day.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

What It Will Look Like

Hi Everyone,

58 years ago today, I burst forth from my mothers loins and declared myself a citizen of this earth. A spiritual being in a tiny human body.

Had I known what I was in for, I probably would’ve turned tail and crawled right back in.

Seriously, if that were an option, I may have done just that. 

Of course, the shit doesn’t really hit the fan immediately does it? When you are the first born and you are brand new, all intentions are pure, hopeful and well meaning. Everybody loves the new baby and they are swaddled in love, welcome and joy at their mere existence.

And then…life happens, shit happens.

I had a good birthday with my family yesterday and my daughter is spoiling me today.

It was incredibly hard to get through yesterday as the murder of another Minnesotan weighed heavy on my heart.

And today, it seems somehow unfair to me to celebrate my birthday when Renee Good and Alex Pretti will never celebrate again. 

It makes my heartache.

You guys, for as much as I used to live in anger and rage, I think I was a big talker; you know burn shit up and tear it down?

I don’t have it in me.

It destroys me.

I’m not doing the head in the sand thing, I’m simply trying to find my place in it. 

I’m pretty sure something is going on that I don’t feel comfortable writing about quite yet. I will soon if there is something going on. It’s not a good something. We will see.

I’m just taking it easy today. I will resume the tired trudge forward tomorrow.

I’m grateful for another year north of the earth. In the coming year, I need to live with Renee Good and Alex Pretti in my heart because they were not afforded another day, another year…another breath and my heart can no longer not honor the great sacrifice they unwillingly made so that I can go on and in my own little way, make my life count. Not sure what that will look like.

I’m so sad.

Will any of our hearts recover?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I send happy wishes to you all.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Feeling Sick

I literally feel sick right now.

Another shooting in Minneapolis and already the vitriol and hatred and justifications and fucking yuk have started.

A man is dead.

I have no words.

Whoever the Creator or Creators really are…perhaps you should end this experiment. Humanity has failed.

Decency, kindness, empathy, charity are something that so few have anymore.

These values are viewed as weak.

Your religions only fuel hate.

Perhaps brotherly love should be the one, true religion.

Perhaps the earth should be returned to non-humans.

Already people are celebrating this man’s death on social media, spinning theories, narratives and justifications. 

Man is a vicious animal. There is no intellect or thoughtfulness in hate. It is fueled by simple, scared minds.

I’m so over this shit. I’m not saying I bow. I’m not saying don’t fight what’s right. I’m just saying I’m over this shit.

I am capable of hate too. I am capable of saying mine is justified.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t hate or want to retaliate.

I’m saying I don’t have the answers anymore.

I fear what’s coming.

There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Denise

Thank God

 

Hi Guys,

How is everyone today? All I can say, is where the time go? 

Each day, they seem like the time just flies by and I'm unable to get anything BIG done. But it's doom scrolling. It's a thing and for me, it's a huge problem.

Let me just say this though. This not related to dicey icy. A 7 year old girl got off the bus yesterday in a city that is about 30 north of me, northwest maybe, not sure. Anyways, no one saw her after that.

Wow. The communities came together in a major way, so did law enforcement.

Long story short, they found the girl and the man who abducted her. He is of no relation to the family and details are scant right now so I don't want to report anything that could be false.

I honestly am not trying to make this political because it is NOT. The most important thing is the child and her family. But I'm glad the guy is white. And I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

I am so grateful she is safe, that she is home. Just so grateful. I saw many parents this morning waiting out at bus stops on my way to get gas. 

That's just how it should be. It makes you realize that even with all our technology, these horrible things can still happen but...it's harder to get away with it indefinitely too.

Other than that, I'm trying to just be "on it" today. It took me until 2PM yesterday to get off my damn phone. It's 11:41, and I've picked up on one of my projects, one I started last night.

I am going to try and stay off my phone until I finish.

It requires making a bit of a mess but as things get organized, the mess will be gone.

Anything to keep my brain from racing. 

I hope you are all doing OK.

Put down your phone today...I mean, if it's a problem for you, put down your phone because it took me actively trying to do this repeatedly yesterday to figure out how deep this shit goes with me.

And it freaked me the fuck out.

OK, have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie 

No Couch Attachment

Good Morning!

Ok, well, this morning I am having pain. It's not acute. I'm pretty sure this is the same pain I get from time to time. It's on the right hand side, just below my waist line and it's radiating to the same place in front. Me thinks I pulled a muscle while sleeping. I sleep in all kinds of strange positions, in an effort to get comfortable.

Also, gosh I hardly talk about this anymore, but instead of the IBS-D symptoms I deal with on the daily, I am constipated.

Huh?

That could be the cause of the pain too I suppose. So not the norm for me.

I'm forcing the issue with 8 glasses of water a day and I put the tiniest bit of limeaid in my water because straight water drives me batshit crazy. Plus I add magnesium powder to 3 cups of water that I drink daily and then I add one packet of electrolytes to another 3 cups of water that I drink and then...I drink one straight cup of water first thing when I wake up and I bring one to bed with me in case I wake up thirsty.

I had an interview this morning. It went well but I'm guessing I'm up against at least 50 people. And then there's the whole second interview thing, which drives me cuckoo. Can y'all just hire someone?

Ugh, I get it.

So hurry up and wait.

I guess on a personal note, I'm glad that I seem to be capable of movement again, not attaching myself to the couch the last few days. It's noon and I basically have 7 hours to be productive until I give myself my evening facemask, shower and read until bedtime.

I did not get up at 5 like I had hoped to this morning but I did get to bed at nine. The reason I didn't get up at 5 is because I woke up at 1:30ish and was up til almost 4 so I allowed myself to sleep in until 7.

When I got home from my interview, I met another of my neighbors. I saw him getting out of his car, so I introduced myself and told him where I live and let him know that he, his wife and their baby are welcome in my home.

He was so nice. Oh my gosh, so very, very nice.

We do what we can, where we can.

Alright, well, I could bitch about the scary things in my life...money, that kind of thing but why bother. We got some food finally. It's not a lot but should keep us for the week.

I hope you all have a great day. Freezing but sunny. If you can't bear to get out in it, by all means, stand in front of your window for a time, take it in, it's so flippin' good for you.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie