I'm Feeling Manageable

 Hello again,

Going for a twofer today. Like I mentioned in this morning's blog, I am struggling. I decided to post this as I go. Simply because perhaps it will hold me accountable and there is joy in sharing that I managed to get things done.

So the first thing I'm doing is fun. I'm going to place an order on Shein for clothes and boots. I have very little winter attire that fits. It's all too big. 

The size I'm getting will be snug but my hope is that perhaps I won't have to buy anything again until my goal is achieved. Yes, things will be big on me at that point, but I will have a couple sales behind me at that point and perhaps will be better prepared to afford new clothes.

I can't wait. But for now, the joy of shopping.

Well that was fun. I'll be set for the cold stuff. I don't have a winter coat but I'll figure that out. Ok, now it's putting everything in this apartment, away.

Ok, I finished the kitchen...again. I'm going to have to "finish the kitchen" a couple times. I'm full to the brim and none of my pots and pans are here yet.

I gave myself an hour for this big "put away" but I fear it will go longer.

Whatever. Gotta get this done. I am taking a break to meditate and tell myself that, you know, I'm Denise motherfuckin' Johnson and I got this shit. Next is putting some things in storage and working on the dining room. 

Right now, I am full of anxiety but in "doing", I am hoping this will naturally fade away.

Well! The dining room is done as well as the hallway leading to the living room. I make it sound so big but I assure you, it's anything but...

I had to get rid of coffee mugs. You know, you try to keep the ones with meaning. Some of them were mom's but I do have her pretty teacups and tea dishes out so I think she'd understand. She was lovely that way and very humble.

So the last thing to do is to attempt a "put away" of the bedroom. I ordered a simple jewelry box for my stuff so I gotta get that in there. It's not the kind of jewelry box I wanted but it does have more room and I'll be going through everything as I unpack it so hopefully, I'll be able to downsize that a bit too.

Not as full of anxiety now. 

I'll worry about all the shit to come from my roommate's place later.

Ok, the dining room and living room are done. There is a big space behind the couch where "stuff", mostly Willow's Whimsy stuff is. One of my coworkers had a great idea, he suggested that I get black or gray bins so at least they match everything else. So...that's what I'm going to do.

Ah, the day just got away from me and I didn't get my list done but I made huge progress. So after the prior paragraph, I took out some garbage, unpacked a box in my room and then my youngest and I went to meet my sister at my former roomie's place. We got the two deck chairs, the big file cabinet, some little things, some of my daughter's things and my computer chair packed up. We went out to lunch and then came back and brought everything up and it's all put away.

My sis. That girl. She bought me a cabinet to put in the dining room. It will hold all my pots and pans. If there's room, I can put canned goods and baking items (flour, sugar, etc.) in it. If not, I might just order another one.

She made a good point, my sister. Even if there are tons of cabinets and furniture, at least everything will have it's place and be hidden from view. Annnnnnd it saves me some open wall space, meaning I won't have to worry about finding prints to hang up. I do know that I want a framed picture of Munster, Ireland over my computer. That's where the Irish side of our family tree hail from. On the wall above the couch, I'd like a pretty print, lots of color since most of my furniture is one shade of gray or another and two matching candle sconces.

Oh my god, then I'd be done. It's too damn good to be true.

Yeah, but sissy...she's a special person. And not because she bought me a cabinet. It fits into why she's special because she's giving but she's a good person, she's thoughtful. She cares. 

So tonight is the first night I've really felt like this apartment is our home. so much is done but you know what's not done? The dishes. So I am currently typing away while giving myself a facial. I'm gonna knock those dishes out, take a shower, get my clothes ready for the morning and have all my skincare stuff out and ready to go.

Why? Because my crazy ass is gonna get up and 5 and go right into work. I've had two days off and I need to leave by 2 tomorrow. I had wanted to leave by noon but that might be pushing it so I will leave at 2. If I get to work by 5:30, then 2 would make it 8 hours with a half hour taken for lunch. I can get a lot done in the hours before my coworkers start arriving.

Why am I leaving early? Well becauuuuuusssssse! It's sistahbelle's birthday tomorrow. We're gonna go out to eat and then see a movie and then we'll figure out the rest of our weekend and see what that will look like.

So as far as the apartment, I am going to do the dishes tonight, take a shower, organize my jewelry and go to bed.

I probably will be too tired to do anything tomorrow night. And busy this weekend, but there may be moments where I can do some things and pick up some things. I'm just not going to overwhelm myself, I can do little pickups, little loads so that it continues to feel manageable. It feels manageable right now but I need to stay on top of things.

Ok, so yeah, good damn day!

And no anxiety whatsoever.

I hope your day was a good one too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No to Low

 

Good Morning,

I hope you all are in good form, feeling mentally and physically refreshed. 

I am not.

I did not go to work yesterday and I find I can't rouse myself to go today. You guys, I have to find another job. The problem is that I'm so tired I can't seem to get myself motivated to do...anything, let alone job search, application, all that shit.

I feel utterly exhausted. Just exhausted.

This move has been overwhelming. So overwhelming.

I expected to be done with the moving in part already. I expected to have started on my business. I expected a lot...of myself.

I had a scare with my daughter the other day. I should preface this by saying that she did nothing wrong and that I have officially become aware that my strange obsession with serial killers came full circle.

I've said this before but feel the need to say it again. The obsession is not with the killers. I'm not a fan girl as I know some bizarrely are. I don't get off on their crimes.

It's more of an obsession of, "why? what makes someone so nuts?"

Anyways, my daughter had been up on Tuesday. She called me but I was in my morning meeting. So I spent most of the rest of the day trying to get in touch with her and was growing more and more alarmed. 

I was sure she had gone out for a smoke, as we have to do now, and gotten snatched, even though her phone location showed she was in the apartment, I thought maybe she had gone out without her phone. Then I started thinking I'd never see her again, I'd never know what happened.

I left work early and got home and...she was fine. She fell back to sleep and slept all afternoon.

I crashed.

I think we fixate for different reasons and I know I feel so overwhelmed by so many things right now, and I put all that worry, all that stress, all that anxiety into this one thought, that yeah...I had an emotional crash.

I fucking hate this job you guys. It's killing me. It's crushing me.

I could sit here and bitch about all the details but why bother? Bottom line is that this is not for me and I have to find something else before I'm so overwhelmed, there feels like no way out.

I need to stop with the guilt of calling in again. It's done.

I can make this day be mine and just plow through and try to be as prepared for tomorrow as I can be. 

I will have to eat my humble pie. It's my boss's last day today. And then a few weeks without one. I want to be out by the time the new lady gets there.

That's November 4. 

Today's shenanigans will include job search.

I am debating trying to get a bit more sleep as well.

This cluster in my head, it's keeping me from making decisions or having follow through. And it's coupled with no energy, low energy. That's my measure right now, I fall into no to low.

You know, I have to go out to smoke a cig now. And it sucks. And there's this car that the owner starts up every week morning at 4:20AM and it's fucking LOUD and he lets it sit there warming up and it's LOUD. So instead of sitting in my car, I drive around in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbors. And that feels so wrong, that feels like it used to feel when I was done doing my thing and I'd be driving home as the sun came up, with all that guilt and remorse. And I did try to talk myself off the ledge...you know, that's not this, it's OK, you're just having a cigarette, you didn't do anything harmful to yourself, you haven't harmed anyone else in the process.

But man, those tapes just sit there, waiting for you to hit the play button.

So today has got to be productive.

It's 6:38AM.

Yeah, I'll make a fucking list. I'm going to allow myself to try and get back to sleep and to sleep til 9. Then I'm getting up and making shit happen.

I'll report back, I always do. 

Today calls for positive self talk, self love, a steady, even pace and accountability.

I'm gonna try.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Busted & Disgusted

 

Hi Everyone,

Well, you'll always know when I'm not blogging from my laptop because I don't have my new logo saved on google, which I should do.

Yesterday was a bitch. There's no nice way to say it. Work was a shit show. I came in and the only phones working were mine and my boss's.

That eventually got resolved. One of the things that's on my plate is the weekly scheduling of staff. I'll say it again, there's simply no reason I should be doing this. I'm an admin, I'm not a scheduler. Hire a staffing coordinator to get people scheduled and to get them hired. 

This is all about corporate greed. It really is. It's about combining positions and giving people so much to do that there simply is no quality of life while at work.

Let's be extra stingy and not give employees two days for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It's been so long that I've worked for a "for profit" company, I forgot that in this country, for profit usually means use your people until they're so used up, they got nothing.

I am applying tonight for another county job. It's a little less pay but it's 24 days of PTO, all holidays, and the ability to work from home at least one day a week.

I can't not apply for this.

Oh, and it's literally about 5 minutes from home.

So on the days I do go in, the drive would be minimal, which saves me in gas. Gas has not gone back down to where it was. I doubt if it ever will.

Meanwhile, my day...so yeah, the scheduling. I can't do it at my desk because you have to really pay attention to the details and it's too busy up front but my laptop won't give me access to certain things, my coworker's computer said that my account has been disabled, yet here I am on my computer...not disabled. I was finally able to work on my coworker's laptop, in her office and I got it done.

I don't want to do this. I just don't. It's something that I feel increases my value and I should therefore get paid more to do this. I am an admin but I'm also the scheduler. Two jobs, one person.

You guys, I'm literally farting at my desk. They are just coming out of me. Luckily, they don't smell. I got those ones out of the way this morning.

My roommate texted me to me his fridge was getting stinky and needed attention so I told him I'd swing by this morning and empty it out.

Then when I got home yesterday, I got a call from my apartment office. I got busted for smoking on my deck. I played dumb and said I didn't know we couldn't smoke because when we lived there before, we could. But then they also mentioned the smell of weed. I don't smoke but my daughter does. So I played dumb on that one too. We were both a little salty but the bottom line is...they are right and we are wrong. We can feel however we want to about that, but they are right and we are wrong. So it'll probably be a good thing. I only smoked two cigs last night. My daughter went out with a new friend last night and got back sometime after one. I was up til 2 something. I didn't take anything to sleep last night. I'm trying to fool my body so that it always wants to sleep but anyways, I was up when she got home and so she told me about her night, she had a great time and I'm happy for her. But I wanted a smoke too and I contemplated sneaking one on my patio but decided it wasn't worth getting a lease infraction so I went outside to the designated smoking area. I probably woke the whole complex with my coughing but it is what it is. They didn't set a timeframe on when we can smoke so...there you have it.

But that took the wind out of my sails. I felt like a little kid getting a talking to by the principal. So I really didn't do shit last night. I have a mighty list for tonight and I hope with all I am that I can get it done. Or at least have the energy to do some of it.

Tomorrow night, I need to go over to my roomie's and pack all my makeup to prepare for getting the vanity over to my place. I mean there is truly and honestly a chance that I will be done by this weekend, not just with unpacking the place but in cleaning it for the first time. 

Just push through girlie. 

I am hoping work is a little bit no so nuts today so I can maybe do some of what I have on schedule for after work, done during work, thus this blog. I try not to do to much of that but again, is what it is.

I'm OK.

I'm better than in survival mode so that's good. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Gonna Happen in 5

 

Good Monday Morning!

Monday you sure looked fine, Friday I got travelin' on my mind...

I digress.

Such is the mind of Denise and all it's inner workings.

I'm running late and I don't care. I'll stay for a full 8 hours.

Anyways, I don't know how but the kitchen is done, at least for now. I still have pots and pans at my roomie's. 

The dining room is almost done. But I moved a bunch to my room so now I have that to deal with. I need to get that damn file cabinet over here. Maybe I'll put out a cry for help on FB. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Otherwise, I'll just rent a stupid uhail pickup and call it a day.

Stupid.

But yeah, I did a lot. I decided not to put the doors on the TV Stand. I put one drawer in, just so I could stuff off of the dining room table.

Tonight here's what we're doing and in this order:

• Rent a stupid truck
• Get my file cabinet, computer chair, patio chairs and make up drawers over to the apartment
• Put all away
• Get the dining room done
• Get my room done...again
• Facial, shower, bla
• Bedtime

Tomorrow, I will grab more stuff from my roomie's, more of what's left. We still have a bit of a way to go.

But realistically, I could be done by Wednesday. Thursday PM I would just do a deep clean of the apartment. I want my weekend open. My sister has a birthday and my daughter has Saturday off so she wants to do something fall like...

But my sister and I might do something this weekend too...it's all up in the air. 

But it sure would be nice to come home to a clean home regardless, one with everything put away.

And then I can stop bitching about all of this.

Won't that be nice?

I do feel good about what I was able to get done yesterday. And I do feel hopeful about today.

Ok, well I am supposed to leave in 5 minutes and I still need to make my breakfast, get my food for the day ready, make my protein shake, get dressed and go...

So not gonna happen in 5 minutes. I didn't get up at 5 because I went to bed at 10 and wanted to get in as much sleep as possible. I got 7 hours even.

Nice.

Have a great day guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just Bitching

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, I guess I should say good morning.

I pooped out yesterday. I took a nap and had to go pick my daughter up from work and I was just worthless after that.

I'm so freaking tired.

I put the majority of the bureau together and I was mean to my daughter. Not outright like yelling but I'm just so tired. I'm too old for this shit and I brought so much over from my other place yesterday that it's the explosion again.

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and I am feeling sorry for myself today. I didn't even take bougie bath last night, I was so focused on just getting that damn bureau done and I'm still stressed about it.

I can't look at it as a whole. I am going to start in the kitchen and work my way out, after taking a bougie bath.

I am going to go an hour at a time and then bring garbage down and I'm going to do it until it's all done. Then...I'm going to ask if there's anyone who can help me get my file cabinet and deck chairs over here. I tried but none of them will fit in my car.

The bottom line is there is not enough room in this place for all my kitchen stuff.

I already went over to my roommate's place and just stood there overwhelmed so I left without grabbing anything. 

And what the hell is up with people and their unsolicited advice? I posted the other night about selling the coffee table and oh my god, I did not ask for advice, I was just posting on my personal FB first in case someone wanted to grab it. I get, "return it" and "paint it."

It was not a call for advice. I get so annoyed. You know how my sister comes at me? She asks if I want her opinion or her thoughts. She's very thoughtful about it. I think people could take a lesson from her. Geez.

I think a bath will calm me down and get me moving. 

I am going to write a second blog tonight. Just so I can get up and actually have time tomorrow morning to do all I want to do.

This has gotten out of hand and I can't live in chaos for long and not lose my shit. I wanted this. I am grateful for this but this is part of the price you pay for peace of mind sometimes.

I can do this. Please, I can do this. I'm Denise Motherfucking Johnson.

Ok, well, here we go. 

Wish me luck.

Have a good day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Kitty Tower

 

Good Morning!

I wish I could say I slept like a dream but I didn't. At least for what I did sleep, it was deep. I don't feel icky this morning so that's good.

I'm going to hit the ground running so to speak. After this, I'm taking a quick shower because it's an Olaplex day which means that I put in a bonding treatment that I'll keep in until bougie bath tonight.

Then I have things to get up from the car. I did go over to my roommate's place after work and grabbed some things but I didn't get it up to the apartment. Then I'm just going to move stuff from his place to here and it'll make the "explosion" even worse but it's got to happen. My daughter works at noon so I'm going to stop bringing stuff at that point and then when I get back, I'll put together the bureau and unpack my arse off. I pick said daughter up from work between 4 and 5 and I intend to keep going until around 7, at which point, bougie bath shall commence.

I did get the big kitty tower together last night, which feels amazing and the kitts love it. Go hard today so I can start playing hard again.

I noticed something; the boy did end up texting the night before last, right as I was getting into bed. I didn't look at it until yesterday AM and he said he slept a lot and missed the mark on calling and that he'd try me last night. 

I asked him not to call until tomorrow just because I have so much to do. He didn't respond. And I am not reading anything into that. It's been a point of contention, my independence, with several of the guys from my past. They say they like it at first but then they don't. And like I said, I so ambivilant about this that I don't have time to be like, "Oh, he didn't text back, I hope I didn't offend him." That ship, too, has sailed. I'm Denise. I don't have time for games and I don't have time to worry about someone else. I have to get this all done today. Or at least done enough, that I feel like I can finally start living my actual life, lol. I should say that he may not even be playing games but you can see that I'm my head enough about all this to write about it. 

And when we do finally talk and catch up, I want to be able to focus on the conversation and not have the mess rolling around in the back of my head.

Does that make sense?

Me first.

That simple.

So.

Shower, meditate and go.

The cats are on the kitty tower. They can rule from above, Lording over all now. My happy babies.

I guess I better feed them. God, they are needy. LOL!

Who wants to eat? 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This is Temporary

 

Hi Guys,

Oh my God, it's Friday, finally. You know, I worked last Saturday and Sunday and I'm wiped out from it. I've worked 8 days in a row and I didn't realize how tired it was making me.

Last night did not go as planned at all. I dealt with it OK. My daughter had made an appointment to go get her hair cut and I had forgotten about it and I had a whole plan, ya know? 

I was a little pissy but then I decided ok, I'm going to take her, I'm going to stay with her and I'm going to drive her home too but of course, I was knocked out when I got home and I did nothing. Nada.

I did get to bed earlier.

Sometimes, I worry about my laziness. I really do. How do you accomplish anything when you are inherently a lazy ass?

And this morning? IBS. 4 times so far. Each time, the cramping starts, I'm like..."again?" Really? It's horrendous.

I make this commitment. I am going to push myself tonight. I am. I am going to go get that computer stand, the printer and get them up and then I'm going to go get the file cabinet and some kitchen stuff.

Then I am going to come home and set both up. Then Imma make the big kitty tower.

I will probably have to pick my daughter up from work and it will be late but I will be showered and ready for bed when I get her. I'm going to give myself 8 hours for a sleep window. And then, I'm going to go get the rest of everything. 

I don't care how many trips, or how awful it is. 

Then I will come back and make the TV stand, bureau, thing. Then everything is getting unpacked and put away and I am going to go until it's done.

Done.

The boy was supposed to call me last night and didn't and I was a bit relieved about that. He's being kinda mushy gushy and I'm like...dude.

I honestly don't think I have that in me anymore. I think that part of me really is dead. I mean, it's wonderful connecting with him but why did it have to go there so quickly? And nothing sexual has come up but I'm not that girl. You guys, I am not that girl. Not anymore.

I'm dreading that coming up.

My sister told me, "you don't have to do anything you don't want to." She's right. I can set boundaries on this.

Where was he 10 years ago? I would've been all about this but now...everything has changed. I have changed.

Work was OK yesterday. We had a tour come through and one of them women there was this lovely woman who lived on our street growing up. I asked after her and then asked about her husband and she  hesitated and then said...he's OK. I get the feeling she was on the tour as a way of looking into things for him.

It's so sad. She called me my sister's name and then she realized...no it's Denise. 

This getting old shit. I have this sense of urgency, like I need to cram everything in now.

And the stress is getting to me. My skin disorder? It's out of control. I have wounds I'm working on; four on one hand, a total of 3 on my arms, one horrid one on my back and one horrid one on my leg.

What is wrong with me?

Ah well, whatever. I just want to get through this day. I'm thinking about leaving early from work, in an effort to get more done. Maybe I'll just get ready after this blog and try and get to work an hour early. I don't know. I could leave at two and then I'm just short an hour.

I'm not really in a financial position to do this any longer but I don't know what else to do. I want the apartment done.

I'll figure it out.

I always do.

So I'm sorry if this blog is a Debbie Downer one. I'm just feeling stressed right now. And all the stress I'll feel doing everything that needs to be done is OK because it's temporary. I just have to tell myself that, this is temporary.

So on that note, I'm going to go get dressed and get to work and start making shit happen.

I shall be back tomorrow AM.

I will let you know how it goes!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie