Effort Required

Good Morning!

How’s everyone doing? I hope you had a restful sleep with peaceful dreams.

You guys! 

I got all the bankruptcy stuff done except for one thing which I will take care of today.

We will be filing this week. The phone calls and messages will finally stop.

I am forever tolling at the negative yet the fact that I got through this is nothing short of a miracle.

Today, I want to get all the projects done. I want to clean…of course I want to clean.

Because tomorrow, I want to do nothing but cook for the week and apply for jobs.

I got to spend a little time with a beautiful soul yesterday. It made me so happy. She picked me up so I could run some errands.

I’m still the “help me” girl. But I’m doing what I can to turn that around and be the “helper” girl, the “gett’er done” girl.

I just want to move past this.

But for today, there is still effort required.

I’m going to start by doing bougie bath first. 

And now it’s later and bougie bath occurred, along with a facial, a hair treatment, shampoo, etc.

I guess it’s on to the filing project. I have to do that first as there are files everywhere. I got rid of so much last night.

I hope you all have an amazing day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breathing Room

Good Morning!

So.

I don’t know why yesterday was so bad. It just was but ya know what?

I got through it. I need a ride this morning to do a couple errands and then I should be done with the bankruptcy stuff.

And because it was literally so insane, I had to pull files out and go through stuff…just yikes.

I lost all my W2s, so I now have to go down that rabbit hole but hopefully, it’ll all be over shortly.

But. 

The filing project will finally be done by the time I go to bed tonight.

Months and months of procrastination and I got two of the major goals done in a matter of 3 days.

I’m just hoping someone will give me a ride to do these errands.

We shall see. The earlier I get all this in, the better.

It means all the calls will stop. It means I can finally answer my phone again. I’m so afraid I’ll miss a call about a job.

We’re still fucked financially but by God, we will be able to have a little more breathing room.

I have been getting incredible support and love right now and I’m grateful for all of it!

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Facing Me

Good Morning!

Wednesday already.

I had a very productive day yesterday. I pooped out at about 2:30, took a nap, woke up and went right back to it.

But there were, naturally, things that didn’t get done. So those have been moved to priority level.

And as soon as this entry is done, I will start at those tasks.

A lot of what I have to do today involves sitting at my computer so I skipped my morning walk and will be doing everything later. A long walk, because I have to go to target and the bank. 

Not having a car is getting to me but I’ve probably faced more about myself and how I am than ever before.

When you have all this time on your hands, it’s sortof inevitable that you’ll be in your head.

And if I’m going to be there, it should be a positive experience.

Not the rumination and self flagellation; oh yes, I’ve done some of that but it serves no purpose, except to take me even further down and I don’t need that. How far down can one go? 

I really don’t want to find out.

And so…here I am.

I know that my mental health “stuff” is real but I have to believe that some of it is learned, some of it is habit and since I’m without insurance, doesn’t it make sense to try and create new habits as much as possible?

Even therapy requires effort; talking, learning, trying new things.

Today, I’m trying not to pick. Just for one day. I’m trying to notice triggers, notice when my hands start traveling towards my wounds.

Again, so much of this is habit.

I know that’s not the end all answer but it’s something.

And so we begin today; I’ve meditated, done Wim Hof, I’m dressed and drinking my protein shake. I’ve had a glass of water and I uploaded my daily short.

That’s more than I did yesterday.

Oh! And I slept last night.

I don’t even recall waking up during my sleep, though I’m sure I did at some point.

So I wish for you, a day full of favor as that is what I’d want for myself.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Comfort in the Quiet

Good Morning,

So much for getting up at 5. I got up at 8 and that's fine...it's whatever. I have a hard time getting up when it's dark out.

Getting older for me, has meant that I don't appreciate night as I once did. I used to prefer it to day.

I think it makes me feel afraid.

Anyways, I was down for the count yesterday but today I intend to go hard. And I will have a list for tomorrow but it will be greatly dumbed down.

Because I know how I am and for now, I do need to work somewhat within those parameters before I can really start to push myself. And I have always had a great day, followed by a "fall" day, meaning I fall down dead and don't do shit.

I want to do shit but it's going to have to be easier.

I'm doing things in cycles today; clean something, apply for a job, work on a project, eat something, exercise, shower, rinse, repeat.

As far as exercising goes right now, it's super simple because I just have to get used to moving again. Y'girl been lazy.

All I know is enough. Enough of the horrid thoughts racing through my head, enough of giving into fear. 

I am so tired but I have to start pushing through that.

So here we are and it's a gorgeous day and I have lots of time to finish what I want to finish today.

I can only try to make right now count, and staying busy helps keep me sane. Someday, I know, I will find comfort in the quiet but not until I learn to quiet the voices in my head that are always, always, there.

So, I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Deprivation

Good Morning!!

Well damn. My blog has hit an all time high. We are at Oct. 18 and I’ve had over 21K views this month.

With so many views, could I ask if you’d be willing to subscribe to my YouTube Channel?

Willow’s Whimsy

I appreciate you!!!

Yesterday was too much. It’s no one else’s fault, it is what it is, life on life’s terms. Those things we can do nothing but accept but I am seeing how there must be room to grow in that.

I have always been a dreamer. I have always had hopes, plans, lists and big goals. I am good at daring to dream but we all know that taking those things from my head and putting it into fruition is difficult at best and impossible at worst. I seem to choose living in the worst instead of the best and I need to redefine best. I talk about A to Z without wanting to do the B through Y part. Lord do I struggle with B through Y. I struggle because of many things; boredom, complacency, going too fast (lack of mindfulness). I don’t stop to experience, feel or God forbid, enjoy the moments. And it seems to me that’s where the personal miracle happens.

I have blessed with miracles but not the internal ones. Those I have chosen to constantly deprive myself of.

So it all comes down to what can I do right now, in this moment? And can I allow myself the process without murdering my soul because I’m not at Z?

Everything I want, the majority of things I don’t have…are material in nature and we can’t completely go without some of these things.

But what do I have right now? What are the things I can be grateful for?

I could list them and I will but not here. I will make a list. And I’ll read the damn thing everyday and I’ll add to it.

I can tell you that it’s beautiful outside right now. Sunshine, chill wind, it’s crisp. The world feels more real to me when it’s not sweltering outside.

I need to ask for help today. I need to run some errands and I have no car to do these things so I’m going to have to ask for help. 

It is what it is.

Today I have been beating myself up. Someone texted me a picture from awhile back and it literally sent me into a tailspin. You can see the deformity of my body, the Lipodema.

I wanted to die of shame and embarrassment.

Even writing about it, I’m in tears.

But will I do anything about it? Will I?

Will I do anything about my financial situation?

Will I quit smoking?

Will I ever be at peace with myself?

Well…I would like to be.

I guess all I can do is try.

I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to have mental health shit. I didn’t ask to be the way I am.

But I can try to love myself within those parameters and in doing so, maybe I can break out of said parameters.

That’s all I got.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Queen

My Queen

Hello,

Here I am. Been a few days but life has been...a bit different. I don't know.

My beautiful Grey; aka Greyhame, Mon Petite Dragon, Bunches, Grey Grey, Queenie...she's been very sick. It's ironic that today, she is more herself than she has been.

We are taking her into urgent care today and I mean, it's more than likely that she won't be coming home with us.

It's a quality of life thing because while she's more herself today than she has been the past couple days, something is clearly wrong and I have to ask if they want to do labs, what are they looking for and if it is those things, what would the treatment be and if the treatment is unaffordable, if the treatment would be hard on her, does it make sense to have her go on; maybe healing but suffering in other ways. She's been a very healthy cat and having to shove pills down her throat isn't quality of life, ya know? She definitely has thyroid issues because in spite of her eating well, she's "skin and bones" as my son put it just now.

It's hard. It's so hard. She's 17 and a half years old. She's been super healthy.

This is killing me and I don't like being the one who has to make this decision. If I had oodles of money, I might try to keep her going but again, at what point would I be forced to say enough? And there's a line you don't want to cross, a line between what's best for her and what's me being selfish and not wanting to let her go?

If I were to write out everything we've been through in the past 5 years...I don't want to be strong anymore.

I would like some comfort and ease.

Today will be hard.

I have $1300.00 to my name, no job. 

I can only do what I can do for my sweet girl.

This sucks. 

Mocha is 11 and Pumps will be 4 in December.

I will see Grey everywhere and will look for her in the usual spots for the rest of my life. And I really, really hope that there is something after, because when I go, I want her to run right up to me and jump in my arms if I have arms. 

If not, jump into my spirit.

I can't keep writing. My heart won't let me.

But I'll write later today, or maybe tomorrow.

Please think of us.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Queen

Hello,

Here I am. Been a few days but life has been...a bit different. I don't know.

My beautiful Grey; aka Greyhame, Mon Petite Dragon, Bunches, Grey Grey, Queenie...she's been very sick. It's ironic that today, she is more herself than she has been.

We are taking her into urgent care today and I mean, it's more than likely that she won't be coming home with us.

It's a quality of life thing because while she's more herself today than she has been the past couple days, something is clearly wrong and I have to ask if they want to do labs, what are they looking for and if it is those things, what would the treatment be and if the treatment is unaffordable, if the treatment would be hard on her, does it make sense to have her go on; maybe healing but suffering in other ways. She's been a very healthy cat and having to shove pills down her throat isn't quality of life, ya know? She definitely has thyroid issues because in spite of her eating well, she's "skin and bones" as my son put it just now.

It's hard. It's so hard. She's 17 and a half years old. She's been super healthy.

This is killing me and I don't like being the one who has to make this decision. If I had oodles of money, I might try to keep her going but again, at what point would I be forced to say enough? And there's a line you don't want to cross, a line between what's best for her and what's me being selfish and not wanting to let her go?

If I were to write out everything we've been through in the past 5 years...I don't want to be strong anymore.

I would like some comfort and ease.

Today will be hard.

I have $1300.00 to my name, no job. 

I can only do what I can do for my sweet girl.

This sucks. 

Mocha is 11 and Pumps will be 4 in December.

I will see Grey everywhere and will look for her in the usual spots for the rest of my life. And I really, really hope that there is something after, because when I go, I want her to run right up to me and jump in my arms if I have arms. 

If not, jump into my spirit.

I can't keep writing. My heart won't let me.

But I'll write later today, or maybe tomorrow.

Please think of us.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie