When Something is Everything

Good Morning,

You guys can't see this but I'm at my computer desk! I got it all set up yesterday.

I feel very good about everything I accomplished yesterday but I also need to prioritize some things for today because I didn't get it all done.

Tonight will be the gym, making food for tomorrow, applying for one job and making the products for the basket for the auction I've written about.

I got 7 hours of sleep and thankfully, no dreams, although my REM sleep registered a bit more activity than usual.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am on the nights I do sleep.

Just so grateful.

So I want to write about yesterday and my feelings. 

I'm not sure what led to this but I had a purging of sorts.

The day was humid, cloudy and rain/misting all day. It was cold but it wasn't warm.

I was plowing through it all yesterday, getting things done and it's so weird now; when I push through, I get more anxiety. I think that's normal but I also know I can't afford, literally, to crash.

I can crash when I go to bed. 

But because I got so little sleep the night before last, I did give myself permission to take a nap when I got back from dropping my daughter at work. 

When I woke up, it was pitch black but I had the blinds open and so I could see the lights from the parking lot. 

It was this weird moment of clarity.

And I lost it.

I was sobbing, just letting it all out. I hold so much inside now. I honestly think that all the activity, and pushing through, released something in me and it may be that this is the norm for awhile.

There were other factors; I watched some of the Whitney Houston documentary on Netflix and it was so hard to see her go down the way she did. 

It doesn't matter how talented you are, how incredibly beautiful or how rich you become; drugs...they will take everything from you...and they did, even that beautiful voice.

And some of the things towards the end, that was said about her daughter.

I'm not judging. I am no one to judge. But they talked too, about the media and how cruel they were to her.

Humans are fickle and I count myself in that. We are so mean when someone shows weakness. 

And we love a good comeback story too. She tried, she did, but it was too late.

It broke me, watching that documentary. It broke me for a lot of reasons.

And of course, I was tired. 

But I really think that forcing myself to push through what felt like quicksand in just doing normal things yesterday, it opened up something inside me that I've been holding in. 

I don't fully know what I've been holding in but here are some of the things:

I worry about the people I love too much. We all do, right? But there's always been this fear of losing people and when they hurt, I hurt.

I think this job has had me in survival mode for awhile now and that may sound dramatic, I'm not trying to be, this is really how I feel. I feel sick to my tummy when I get up and realize I have to go in, I stress about the "what if's" and the people I know are sick or are hurting, I see how dementia affects the animals of some and I worry about the animals. I'm on high alert with these things, Monday through Friday.

I'm stressed about Willow's Whimsy and I've let that hold me back too...you know, from taking action.

The dermatillomania has gotten worse, worse than it's ever been. This literally tearing flesh from myself and the physical pain it causes and the guilt and shame of it.

And money, always with the money.

My ex, the one from when I was 19, wants to come up for Christmas. That feels so fast to me. It scares me for all the reasons; I haven't lost all my weight, the scars from picking, my life is imperfect. It's so weird because I still don't know what I want from this and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I honestly am not fixated on this, in fact I'm rather ambivalent and my fear is of him getting hurt, not me. I don't want the pain of others to be caused by me. I'm hard enough on myself without having to punish myself for causing hurt or pain.

And just missing people; mom, dad, David...wondering when others will leave me...through death or if I'll go first.

It's a lot. I'm weary.

So kindof a downer of a post. I'm going to continue to push through today, like I did the last two days.

I will say that I wanted to stop last night, after my release of tears, but I did finally do a pedicure, although my toenails are not painted yet but I got it done!! I gave myself a facial and I did shower.

I know that sounds simple and nice but if you knew the struggle it took just to get me to anything.

I feel good about that, that I was able to push myself after already doing so much and not making my evening be unproductive.

I did something and sometimes that's everything.

And there you have it. Time to meditate, get dressed and go.

I hope you all have a good Monday, I hope this week goes by quickly, but at the same time, I hope I can continue to rally myself to be fully engaged and I hope you can too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Down With the Garbage

 

Good Morning!

You guys! I gott'r done. I got the whole apartment cleaned, I got everything put away. I have one more rather large load to bring back from my roommate's and I think that should be it.

That will be a big load. And of course, it will have to be put away. 

It's on the list for today to get all that stuff but whether I will or not, remains to be seen. It's going to be a busy one but as things stand right now, I intend to go rollerskating and then pick up from my roommate's.

I intend not to multitask, like one thing at a time. When I try to multitask, my ADHD goes on high alert and kicks in my anxiety. One thing at a time, a steady stream and then we'll figure this all out.

I also intend to make some products today. I need to assess what I have for the first thing I'm making for the show, which is bubble bars. I don't know if I have enough supplies to make the 4 different scents I intend to make for the show.

And I am making products both for myself and for a basket I'm donating. Those do have to get done today and a basket purchased. I'm not sure how to wrap the basket. I suck at that kind of thing. 

Anyways, I digress. Yeah, there's a list, there's always a list right?

Doesn't matter. Some are small tasks, others large.

It's got to get done, all of it so that I can feel on top of, instead of trying to catch up. 

Trying to catch up is a normal state for me and it's part of the whole self sabotage pattern.

Do any of you struggle with that? 

It's hard.

But I did shower and meditate this morning. So that's a good start. I need to take the garbage down. I'll start with that and we'll just go from there.

When things feel so big, and so overwhelming, I can choose to look at them in parts and see where I can attack first.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I have to. I have to.

That much I know.

So anyways, okie dokie, here we go. 

Today, I intend to take moments to be present and to breath deeply and to just steadily keep going.

Nice to have the extra hour this morning, nice to see the sky light up earlier.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Oh, I did want to say that this blog...this really needs to be focused on healing and moving forward. I am not going to delete everything and start over once again but I will be removing any posts that mention my current job. It's tacky. I know it's part of the deal, and this job has affected my mental health in ways I never saw coming but it's tacky.

And potentially dangerous. I don't think any of my coworkers have found this but if they did, you all know I don't rant anymore but I definitely do vent and I'll continue to do so but I don't have to get so specific.

I just don't.

Not that any of you look back but I just wanted to state that I'm doing that. Be transparent, ya know?

Ok, com'on get down with the garbage, ya muther get up, com'on get down with the garbage...ha, if you know you know.

Ok, bye.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Kick Ass

Hi Everyone,

Kindof late to the party today.

I've had a good day but lazy so I'm about to kick some ass. I want it done tonight. Not the final trip to my roommate's but the apartment as clean and as done as it can be...tonight. 

I am starting on products tomorrow and I don't have time to fuck around at this point.

I'm sick of myself.

Even though I had a good day. LOL.

This not enough sleep bullshit fucks with me so hard. I took a nap instead of being productive. So now I am going to be productive.

I did go out to breakfast with my son. It was nice. And my sister unexpectedly called and wanted to know if I wanted to go on a walk with her and her dog. We went over to a big, huge nature reserve over here and went on about a 45 minute walk so that was great. Fresh, cool air. I loved it.

But I came back and deflated so now it's on.

I'm so tired of writing about my lack of sleep and bla bla bla.

So instead, I'm kindof being bitchy but only to myself...like enough with the bullshit ma, get it fucking done.

Sorry to be so "pleasant", you know I gotta write everyday.

Be Blessed and for the love of all, Be Productive.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Marathons

Oh my God, I'm so tired. 

I won't write much.

I got up early and hit it with the cleaning and putting away some and I cleaned and scrubbed the litter boxes. 

And then I burnt out and feel asleep on the couch.

I realized something. I was depressed over at my roommate's. I was really, really depressed. Not because of him, just because of the whole situation. I think it was getting worse and worse for a really long time. It takes me twice as long to do things I used to. I lose focus so easily. I tired so easily.

Depression.

Big time.

Not crying depression. Physical depression. Mental depression. It affects each of us differently. And now I'm going to have to push myself through until that becomes the norm.

I mean, let's be honest. I've never been the most motivated girl. It's not like I used to run marathons and now I can barely walk two feet. But I became aware of it today. This low to no energy.

I got nothin'. I'm running on almost empty.

Now what to do about it.

Alright, gotta go.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy Samhain!

 

Blessed Samhain!!

One of my favorite days of the year, followed closely by Christmas Eve.

I also like Thanksgiving, New Years Eve but the others, at least the traditional ones…I can take them or leave them.

As far as the Pagan Sabbats, I love Samhain, Yule and Midsummer.

But I respect all of them and I respect all religions celebrations, if not in action, then in honor and like I said, respect.

As my Dad told me, there is more than one path that leads to the kingdom of heaven.

I have so much to do at work but it should go fast. I’m all dressed up and I picked a “costume” that would transfer nicely to practicing ritual tonight. I’m not going to do anything fancy for ritual but a little something.

I also have to order candy because my daughter and I decided to hand it out tonight. We have to put a sign on the door.

And we have some candy but not enough to do it like I like to do it.

Ok, that was expensive.

Geez.

Money.

I love and hate it.

Things at work are amping up. I got a “look” when I voiced that I was taking my PTO tomorrow.

I don’t trust them to pay it out and I don’t think they pay out PTO anyways. Anyway they can save a buck, this company does that, unless it’s to acquire a new building as opposed to sinking those funds into technology, their current employees and the residents.

God forbid you spend money on that.

Evil. Greed.Selfish.

No bueno.

But I had conversations with several residents yesterday and I have a list of folks I’m giving my phone number to and those who want to give me theirs.

It’s raining this morning. The drive in was treacherous and scary. It’s extremely difficult to see at night when I drive now but if it’s raining or snowing, or the ground is wet, then I’m completely blinded, so the drive in was bad. I don’t know how to offset that. Supposedly, yellow lens’ help with that but I tried it and it didn’t make a difference.

Tomorrow is my new year.

I have to write out a spell and ritual for tonight.

I’m unable to do it the way I’d like to but my intent is pure and that’s what counts.

Bla.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. First of all, I don’t have to get up at 5. If I haven’t got enough sleep in, I can turn over and go back to sleep. But I will get shit done tomorrow. Lots and lots of shit and I am going to a party Friday night.

I have much to do!

So one of my coworkers asked me if I’d checked out already. You know, many when they put in their notice, check out early, meaning they are here in body but not in action or mind.

I would say I’m 50% checked out. Doing anything is hard. I just want to go hang with the residents.

Or get my apartment done.

Or dance in the rain, even though it’s so cold.

I’m telling people that I’m dressed as a storm fairy but really, y’all know what I am: a witch. I found the coolest, cheapest headdress on Amazon. It’s got feathers and skulls and roses, all black.

Oh yeah, witch all the way. Many don’t know this but there are witches among the fey folk too so technically, I could be both.

Ok, I must go.

Holy shit. The snow though. It’s bad. It’s an icy, snowy mush and the roads are horrendous. My 10 minute lunch run ended up taking 45 minutes.

Oh well, what are they gonna do, fire me? Last day is next Friday anyways.

Alright, gotta go.

I’ll be back tomorrow and it’ll be November and the roads will have been cleared.

Happy Samhain all.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Animals

 

Here I am!

First off, I have gone 100 over last months reader stats. Thank you. Seriously, thank you!

I’m not a high hitter, I’ve said that all along but it means so much to me that my stats have increased and continue to do so.

I try not to do much drama. I refrain from bringing other people into this blog, I maintain privacy and don’t go into detail…but I’m imperfect and I can push those boundaries still but I really try and so the drama that does come into this space is usually my own and not me bitching about how others have done me wrong.

For the record, no one has done me wrong. LOL.

Like, I’m good. With everyone.

Except the assholes who my daughter brought out a takeout order to yesterday. Ok, Yes!! I get to bitch about something. She brings their order out and the guy on the passenger side opens his door so she starts handing him his and his girlfriend’s (she was in the driver seat) order.

She hands it to him and says, “Ok, here’s this.” And he starts mocking her, saying, “here’s this, here’s this.” She’s like WTF?? This goes on for a bit and then he says, “can you shut my door?” That’s not her job dude, but she did.

Well of course they didn’t tip her. But that’s always a toss up, whether people tip for that kind of thing. Just so you know, at restaurants, they aren’t just bringing you your food. They have to prepare the sides for it, pack them up, etc. So maybe not 20% but something.

Anyways, she wasn’t surprised. She said she can pretty much guess now whose a tipper and who isn’t whether she’s hosting, takeout or serving, she can usually call it.

But they sat in their car and ate and then the motherfuckers threw all their bags out onto the parking lot, they poured the food they didn’t eat onto the parking lot, they tore up the bags so it’d be harder to clean it all up.

Animals.

That kind of behavior is just disturbing.

Ok, I bitched.

I got some good stuff done last night. Some unpacking and a bit of cleaning. I’m taking Friday off because I have PTO and I need to take it before I’m out of here.

I don’t want to lose it. I don’t believe they pay PTO out here.

Tonight, I have an interview, just a quick one to tie up some loose ends, with Shipt. They are a shopping/delivery service.

So I gotta get that taken care of. The Amazon thing, it’s too scary. I read some reviews and while some were mostly positive, no one said, “hey, this is great.” And some have led to severe things like assault and dog bites and I’m like…no.

With Shipt and Instacart, I have a say in what areas I want to work in.

It’s contracting, which sucks but I have a good friend who is an accountant and I’m going to pay her to show me how to submit everything. That way, I won’t be paying someone every 3 months and hopefully, this won’t last for too long. I just have to hold tight until I find a position with more respect for it’s people. That’s literally all I want at this point. That and a little bit of peace.

I’m not unhappy. I understand that happiness is an inside job no matter where you are or what you’re doing but that’s just like the AA saying, simple not easy. Yeah, the philosophy is simple…just be fucking happy. It’s a choice. But that shit ain’t easy. It’s not easy at all, not when the world is you know, the way it is.

But I’m trying. Everyday I be tryin’.

So yeah…there you have it.

I do have to go. I have a lot to do here of late.

So, I will take the time tonight to write out a full blog of the decisions I’ve made and the actions I’ve taken.

More and more is being put on my plate and I am one person and I’m sinking. And even though my mental state is good today and was good yesterday, I clocked 5 hours of sleep last night and I know that if this sleep deprivation is prolonged, I’ll crash again and I feel like each time I crash, I crash a little lower, a little harder.

I have PTO on Friday so I’ll be able to get so much done.

Tomorrow it will be cold. This gives me hope for sleep. I did finally put the A/C on last night and was able to finally get some good zzzz’s in, just not enough is all.

And I came in today and there was a death. I had only met this person a few times. But I know the caregiver who was with this person and the description of her passing reminds me of my sister’s description of our dad’s passing. It brought those feelings back for me. So, it’s been hard for me this morning. Your breath gets caught in your chest because you don’t want to cry.

And my heart is heavy also due to the decisions I’ve mentioned above and the actions taken.

I am blessed because I’ve had a positive impact here but the tears…and the hugs…it’s sad. If I could just somehow work only for the residents, I wouldn’t leave. They are my light. They have brought me knowledge, respect, awe, love, joy and a sense of peace with the whole getting older thing although it has also strengthened my resolve in how I want to die. You know, on my terms.

The one thing, the only thing, I will ever give my stepmother is that she cared for my dad. He didn’t have to be in hospice, he went at home and if not peacefully, quickly. He was with her and my sister.

I will forever be grateful that my sister was there. Before there was a stepmother, or half brothers, there was another family and my sister and I belonged to him. It is fitting that she was there. It gives me peace.

But I’ve been sad all morning.

Why it never occurred to me that I’d be dealing with death on a regular basis working in a senior care facility, I don’t know. I often times don’t think, I just do.

I mean well. I always have pure intentions, at least these days. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I try not to make excuses. I try really hard. And things get all crisscrossed in my head and in the results of my efforts. It’s been this way all my life, I’ve said that several times here.

All I know is I try. I do try. I also try not to feel so bad about myself because of it. It’s just always been this way and best efforts don’t ensure anything. I know I’m not dumb. But it does affect my self-worth, especially when I truly believe I understand something and I finish it, only to find out my brain scrambled it all up, misinterpreted directions.

Sigh.

It makes me sad. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever accomplish anything.

But.

I keep trying.

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Security and Relief

 

Hello, Hello, Hello,

So I told ya I get over shit fast. Again, I did not get a good night’s sleep. Nobodies fault but my own this time. I mean I went to bed a tiny bit after nine but I was up at 1:30 and then it was in and out, mostly out. I got in just over 5 hours total.

Whatever.

My son called me yesterday and we had a good talk. He called because I had posted a rather downer post on FB about wishing I could be like a normal person and he just wanted to check on me. I was at work but when it comes to my son, PRIORITY. No matter where I am. And then I spoke with my oldest daughter for a good hour. My youngest was in on the conversation because I had the phone on speaker. It was fun.

I love my babies so much.

My boy and I are gonna go out for dinner on Saturday.

But yeah, that all meant so much to me.

And in the wee hours of this morning, all the answers came.

I’m quitting my job. I spoke with an Amazon rep last night. Just to ask questions and the hiring process only takes about 4 days and as long as I have a clean driving record, which I do, they are hiring like crazy right now, especially because of the holiday rush.

The pay is not quite what I make here but you’d be surprised and I can work as many or as little hours as I want. I didn’t quite understand if I’d be like a contractor or an actual employee, I have a few more questions but I’m going for it. I’m putting in the app tonight.

I have always turned to the kind of job I’m in now and I have always failed miserably. Definition of insanity? Well, one of them is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I have to stir shit up to get it moving, to get myself moving. I can set my own hours, and I’ll be with my favorite person all day, me. Ha!

So I’m going for it.

I’m going to give a two week notice because it’s the right thing to do and I will still be applying for something that is a better fit but I can be picky. I’ve had several residents here tell me that if I need a reference, they’ll give me one, like a letter of recommendation.

And I want to be able to come back here to see the residents I’ve developed friendships with.

There are several.

I don’t know why these kinds of jobs always make me feel so boxed in. They really do bring out the worst in me. Isn’t that terrible?

I meant for it to work, I wanted it to work.

But the lack of training I’ve been provided, the little notice of projects that I simply cannot do at my desk, the constant interruptions; anyone can deal with these things on a fairly regular basis but it’s literally constant here. The technology sucks and having to try several different laptops when I’m working on a project that requires me to be away from my desk just really sucks.

It’s just been way too much.

I mean, I can admit it, I’m not blowing smoke…I failed. Again.

But there were a lot of things that I feel helped me along that particular course.

And it’s not a true failure, on a human level. I’ve done good things here, at least for the residents and I’ve made a difference. Not a single one that I have told, has been happy about this. I’ve been told by several that I am their favorite.

Well they are mine too and now I can truly be a friend and not worry about it affecting my job.

And again, in the wee hours, I told myself the one thing that always helps me; I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and I got this shit.

The relief I feel has energized me. In spite of not enough sleep, I got up, I showered. I unpacked a box, rinsed the dishes and started a load in the dishwasher.

I’m happy. I feel a sense of security and relief.

No fear.

Denise is in da house, yo.

That’s all I’ve got for today. It’s a new day. And it’s a damn good one.

Be Blessed my fine friends.

Love & Light,

Neecie