Dumbing Down

 

Good Morning,

I have to go quick. 

I sortof am in a place where I realize I have no answers.

The meds are dumbing down the big feelings but I'm still sad, I'm still having increased anxiety. 

Yesterday I wrote about the guy commenting on my shorts. I probably sounded angry. I need to work on that.

It's just that I've never liked hun or sweetie or any of that. I'm OK with people calling me babe but I just don't like those other ones. We all have our preferences.

And especially from someone I don't know, that's a term of familiarity, ya know? There's no other interaction.

And if you want to know the truth, men terrify me. They do. I wasted much of my life chasing this dream of "the one."

I'm not saying this guy is gross, it's me. You know, getting that kind of attention makes me feel gross. That's not what I'm trying to do here. I don't do YouTube in hopes of landing me a man.

So no harm was meant on my part, it's just this tends to be where I vent when I need to.

Work is getting harder and harder for me. Not because of the work itself but because of the atmosphere I work in.

But the longer I put off job search, the longer it's going to take to get out of there.

Ugh, I'm crying now and I have to go so I'll do my affirmations in the car and listen to some Ozzy and other metal from back in the day and maybe that will rouse me enough to pull up the big girl panties and get on with it.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Pup Snuggles

 Good Morning People of the Blog,

Y’girl is tired AF. 

I had a good night, totally chill. The drive out to my dust’s wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be and her little pup is so sweet. 

I pretty much just hung out with her and silly dallied on my phone all night. I didn’t even turn the TV on. I was in bed by 9:30. I’ve never slept with a dog before.

She was turned away from me at first but I woke up at one point and she was snuggled up with her head resting on my arm. I could’ve melted with love.

My cats are not nighttime snugglers. Pumps comes up for love at about 2:30 every morning and Grey hops up on me once I’m awake and sometimes will jump up on my hip to sleep until I move and Mocha is just kind of once in awhile.

But never right up next to me.

So all that love and comfort was nice.

I took my sleep meds because I knew I wouldn’t sleep without them. So I was dragging this morning and I was about 20 minutes late but I give no fucks at this point.

My boss has been sick and she came in yesterday, sneezing her ass off and I’m like, “really?”

Working in circumstances like this is hard. She’s always bitching about something.

And she’s always talking shit to each of us about the other.

You ain’t perfect either sweetheart.

Far from it. 

Between the constant bitching, the constant martyr shit, the days where she makes me the enemy…it’s too fucking much.

Good Lord.

Gonna update my resume tonight and start the stupid ass search again.

You can only let this stuff slide for so long. It gets to you and while I am soooo much better than I used to be, I will blow at some point and when I blow, it’s ugly. It’s really, really ugly.

Anyways, we had downpours here yesterday and I had to leave early for my CTs and just in going to the car to drive to the appointment, I got soaked.

When I walked into the clinic, the air was on full blast and my teeth were chattering and I couldn’t stop shaking. 

They gave me scrubs and I was tempted to try and leave in them but I didn’t. I had to change into my soooing wet clothes. I stopped at home and I had left the air on for my babies and again…started shaking and chattering. 

I changed into sweats and a hoodie and I didn’t warm up until I went to sleep. I changed into a nightgown but once I got under the covers and snuggled up to Chatty, I warmed right up.

We went for a walk this morning and it was warm and pretty outside.

So yeah, conclusion? I need a dog in my life.

I know, I know…not yet.

Ugh.

I got the results of one of the CTs already and they found nothing…nada.

I guess that’s good but still no pap results and haven’t heard on the lung CT yet.

You’ll know when I know.

Or shortly thereafter.

I will be pissed if I catch this cold she’s got.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

And finally, some weird guy is now commenting on my shorts. Hi hun, hope you’re doing well?

First of all, don’t EVER call me hun, I HATE that. Second of all, if you actually watched the short, you’d know how I’m doing.

There are some things that drive me nuts and that’s one of them. I’m not doing this to attract a man. Not interested. Never will be.

I’m actually not as crabby as I sound in this blog. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

RIP Ozzy

 

Hi Everyone,

Just want to put you on  notice that there may not be a blog tomorrow. I won't be home tonight and for once, I don't want to drag my entire life with me, lol.

I gave myself permission to do nada last night.

You know, Ozzy died. 

And it's this strange thing with celebrities, especially ones that were prominent in your coming of age. We see them getting older but it's still...when they are larger than life, you just don't expect it.

It's surreal.

Obviously, I didn't know him but for anyone who listened to the music, watched the interviews, watched their reality show, you felt like you did know him.

You know, for me, there is so much beauty in that final concert. He was there, he was present and so many other musicians were there to honor him and just love on him. I watched some of the footage and people were so kind to him and he was just beaming.

I take so much joy in that.

It's an inspiration really.

Anyways, I'm just very sad about it. Prince is gone, Ozzy and so many others. Malcolm Jamal Warner. Man. Michael Madsen.

No one here gets out alive.

But I'm OK too. I used to be so sensitive to this stuff but I have certain beliefs now, that I perhaps didn't have before and I do believe he has simply crossed the veil.

I want this played at my celebration of life.

Ok, well, I need to get things ready for my evening and get on with it already.

And to Ozzy, thanks for the memories. Travel well.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Roll With It

Good Morning,

Oh man. I did not want to get up this morning. I was down for the count last night, I did not feel well at all. My boss called in yesterday and I was literally all by myself. 

I didn't use the time to fuck off like I usually do. I got stuff done. I'm experiencing some down time and surprisingly, I don't like that.

I think the meds are working for the depression piece, but I am experiencing more anxiety. I just try to breath through it.

I kindof went over my budget this morning and I'm in panic mode. I may have to do some kind of debt consolidation and I so did not want to do that. I worked so hard to get everything fixed and now it's all just shit again but I know there's a lesson in all of this.

Stay teachable Denise, stay teachable. 

No giving up now.

Anyways, I laid down on the couch last night, with my tummy not good and I feel asleep until just before I had to pick my daughter up. We got home and I went right back to bed.

I feel better this morning. Just anxious.

This too shall pass.

Still haven't got my pap results back. 

So, I really, really, really am going to try and push myself through my tiredness tonight and get some things done.

I won't be home tomorrow night and I don't want to come home to the way things are at this moment.

Change is hard. I seem to roll with it when it's things that are out of my control, but when it comes to changing things within myself, it can be difficult.

But I have to believe it can be done. Well, actually, if I'm honest, I've changed already and it's been good.

But now the hard stuff. Maybe I need to not label it as hard. Maybe I need to label it as easy. 

Anyways, it's time to go get ready for my day. Another day, another dollar. Or two or three. 

"I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Oh wait. It's Tuesday. 

A quote from Pumpkin:

"'p;*/-/"

Have a great day guys.

Yesterday's short:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Tahini

 

Good Morning,

Just a quick minute. I am having anxiety this morning. I think it's because I actually got up and attempted to do some things. My body is used to me not pushing it at all.

And now...I just want to get back on track.

It's beautiful outside.

Geez.

I decided to give up the morning walk. It's walking all 3 floors of my complex and people come out and get weird about it.

But I did walk my hallway, just to get myself going. I came back, meditated, did Wim Hof.

I made these delicious meatballs last night. I love falafal and I just can't seem to get there with making it. So instead, I mushed up a bunch of chickpea's and added them to ground turkey and put all the same herbs and spices in that you would for falafal. 

And I made a Tahini sauce and it's flipping delicous.

So that's for lunch the next two days. 

I'm making a salad for Wednesday and I'm not sure about Thursday as I'll be sleeping at my sister's Wednesday night.

Gotta figure that out.

I was too lazy this weekend. I don't like that. I want to be moving away from that, instead of embracing it, ya know?

But it is what it is.

Ok, well I better get going; still have to make my Ka'chava as that will serve as breakfast today.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Give Me Something to Believe In

 

Hi Everyone,

Ah. Another night of sleep, though who knows how much. I went to bed late, probably 11ish and I got up at 7 and there was not a lot of awake time in that so I am assuming that it went well, lol.

Sleep. Who knew? Actually, I did know, I have known and I'm grateful for only one really bad night this last 7 days.

I got two new subscribers to my YouTube channel over the weekend and I am so grateful. I've been doing the affirmations as you know and although I have plenty more of them to do, I'll have to come up with something else.

I'm sure the Universe will provide me with inspiration.

I had a good day yesterday. I will say that at least I got my laundry done. I didn't have energy for much else but then my sister came over and we went out and had another burger.

She's  making sure I tr5ffrt (Pumpkin); she's making sure I'm getting my red meat in. It was hilarious though. This poor waitress was the only one there and she was pretty busy. Anyways, when you go into this restaurant, you have a choice...right to the restaurant or left to the bar. We went to the restaurant and when we were almost done, someone in the bar put $$ in the jukebox and it blared into the restaurant. It was LOUD. Annnnnd, it was Poison - Give Me Something to Believe In. There are a lot of older folks who go to this place and almost all of them started complaining to the one waitress. There was nothing she could do. They were trying to get it to turn off but they couldn't.

She handled it though.

I don't remember the second song, but the 3rd was Rick Jame's Give it to Me Baby. I mean, it was funny. But we came back to my place and watched the entire first season of North of North on Netflix, which if you haven't seen it, watch it. It's feel good, it's funny. I had already watched it once but I was glad to watch it with sissy. She enjoyed it and it said at the end of the season that they'd be back for a season 2, which makes me really happy as well. We need more of these kinds of shows.

Just to give you an idea; Pumpkin likes to hang out with me in the morning, that's when we do most of our bonding. Here she is hanging out near, whilst I write this entry for you:

I can't imagine a life without animals. I sometimes wonder about people without them...do you just not like them, do you just not want the bother? The expense?

I have no idea but if you have kids, I highly recommend having animals too. They are just such an abundant source of unconditional love and comfort. And it teaches us about loving unconditionally as well.

][[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[['7/\0

See. There you go. Pumpkin thinks so too.

But yes, yesterday was a good day. My sister booked a little trip for us this fall while she was here. I'm very excited.

I'll be sure to do some shorts for you all so you can see the beauty of northern Minnesota as well.

Life feels better these past few days.

Life feels doable; still scary and precarious in some ways, but doable and hopeful and happy.

And on that note, I do believe I shall say adieu for the day.

I hope your Sunday is fabulous.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Callings, Whisperings and Requirements

Good Morning!

It's a weird day but beautiful, perhaps the tiniest bit muggy. It's cloudy and we have had light, misting rain on and off. I was outside and I took my shoes off and just stood in the grass.

And now Miss Pumpkin has jumped up on my computer starftgggggggggf...lpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp67y.

Kitty joy at it's finest.

I've been having a quiet morning, slowly getting moving. Did not take a sleeping pill, and I continue not to wear my fitbit, although tomorrow, I am going to put it on to monitor my steps. I am sure I got a good night's sleep.

I want to wear it during the day, just to get a good hold on what I need to do to reach my goal. Then it will come back off.

I need to learn to listen to myself, my body, my intuition and all the noise I talk about, it makes it hard to hear.

Personal peace.

My intuition tells me to get off, and stay off, my phone for anything other than music and talking to or texting my people.

My intuition is telling me to move.

I haven't really been doing that lately. Spurts of it, but not consistently.

I'm still waiting for the results of my pap.

Ugh, I thought I'd have them by now.

Everything else has been positive for the most part and I hope that trend continues.

We shall see.

Best to keep busy in the meanwhile.

It can take 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to kick in and maybe it's just a placebo effect because it's only been a few days but I do seem to feel calmer and my mornings haven't been crushingly depressed.

So that's good. I'll take it.

Today, I have goals but I go into them knowing my best effort is all I can do.

It's all I can do. I still continue to feel overwhelmed by life and all of it's callings and whisperings and requirements. 

I don't know. I'm OK today. Maybe a tiny bit better than OK.

And so, on that note, I shall say...I hope you have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie