Nope

Good Morning,

And I suppose it is...a good morning. In theory. The sun is shining and it's not hot out, not humid, rather it's chilly and brisk.

I love that.

Alas, I am sitting here with the chair massager on. 

This pain in my back though...it's never lasted for this long.

As long as I am sleeping or moving, no paid but the minute I am still...it settles and in and grips me in a vice.  It's not what I would describe as agony, it's not that, no. But it's this deep, burning ache.

Ugh.

My daughter gave me a massage last night, just in the area where there is pain and that usually knocks it out. But nope. Put ice on it...nope. Took a steaming hot bougie bath with epsom salts...nope. Stretches...nope.

I don't know what to do. This will be my last week at work and I want to be able to get things done. I may have to take the chair massager with me. It's the only thing that allows me to sit in front of a computer for more than 60 seconds.

Anyways, enough about my pain.

Boring.

Yesterday was a knock it out of the park day. I had no choice! To stop  moving was to have my back go nuts so I kept moving.

Two projects out of the way; I took everything out of the fridge and I cleaned the shit of it. It sparkles. And I went through any area with cat puke stains and scrubbed them out. That one will now be something I do twice a month on cleaning weeks. But it was nice to get that taken care of. I did laundry, I  made chili, I grocery shopped. I filled up my gas tank, I went over to my friend's to drop something off...dishes, all the things. Again, I love having a clean space all around me. It's inspired my daughter to keep things neat too.

You just feel better and that's why I've been pushing through all these things. It makes me feel better and it keeps me feeling better.

Today is mainly about the projects, what remains of them,  a bit of baking and planning for my week. A good healthy dose of job search too.

Plus as of this moment, I intend to go rollerskating. So...yeah.

I guess I better go ready for that, not dressed yet.

I hope you all have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rare Form

 

Good Morning,

Ah, the wee little worker bees are at my blog again. 

Whatever.

Yesterday ended up being weird on all levels. First, waking up from that horrid dream. I had dreams last night again, but thankfully, nothing like that one.

Then, two things; first of all it was 71 degrees here yesterday...in November...in Minnesota. And I'm sick again, as things have been warming up again, I have been sick again; and that icky exhaustion has kicked back in. 

I'm telling you...it's something in that trailer I work in.

So as if that's not enough, I started having discomfort in my back. My sister explained, based on symptoms, what this probably is. Only I'm not my sister so I can't explain it here but I will after I speak with her again and then do some research because I suspect she's right and I suspect I need a chiropractor.

Thank God for my daughter getting me this massage thingee to put over my office chair. It has turned out to be one of the most useful gifts I've ever received. This problem does not cause my back to go out, like I can move around with ease. But it's this slow, burning ache that amps up in intensity every 4 minutes or so and then shoots up and down the areas of my back near it. It's not sciatica, it's not like that but my God, it hurts and when this happens, agony. Eventually, it always rights itself but a massage and a visit to the chiro would take care of it immediately. So anyways, I had to leave work early. 

Ugh, oh man, this is so gross. Before I left work, I was trying all these stretches and stuff, anything to ease this off and I laid down on the floor. Well you guys, that fucking carpeting hasn't been cleaned...ever. I reeked. I reeked so bad and when I got back in my car to pick my daughter up last night, my car reeked from it.

Fucking gross and only further cemented in my mind that it's something in that trailer causing this myriad of issues for me.

Today won't be as warm but even so, still temperate, so I'm going to try and get out for a walk at some point.

My sis came over last night and we hung out and talked really late...for both of us. So I went to bed at 1:00 and I'm tired but I'm gonna  just push right on through that.

I have a new project to add to the list; clean up all the cat puke spots. They have been in rare fucking form.

Anyways, today is just a day but I hope it's one filled with good stuff, productive stuff.

And I hope your day is whatever you want/need it to be.

Enjoy.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breaking Bad…Patterns

Good Morning!!

Friday has arrived. I think I’ll be out of here early again today. It’s ok. As we get closer to the end game (next Friday), I feel my anxiety growing. It’s tough, this. But doing nothing allows me to sit in the anxiety and it grows; faith followed by action is really the only cure.

Doing something, anything, productive, helps. I feel myself resisting that and wanting to bury my head in the sand.

I can’t though.

Not if I want to break these patterns.

I’ve broken so many already. This can be done. Getting through this job with my sanity intact, this is fucking huge. The next lesson is to do everything in my power to find another job, to make my products and get them sold…I can do this!!!

Ok, all that said; you guys, I had a horrific dream last night. No serial killer shit or anything like that but still horrible.

Yeah, Homie, don’t play dat.

So…I know what I’m gonna focus on at work today. I know what tonight and tomorrow and Sunday morning will look like.

Micromanaging my life is how it has to be right now so that I can learn how to just make some things habit and have room for the good stuff and for spontaneity.

So I’m grateful for Fridays. Today, I am very grateful for Fridays. See video above.

Turns out I’m on my own at work today. Luckily, I have plenty to do. Like I said, depending on when I finish my projects, I may be leaving early. It’s not that I don’t have enough to do, it’s that if I finish up all my projects at say three or even 245, and I leave at 3:30, it doesn’t make sense to start a whole new project and have to come back and figure out where I was in it, that is a trigger for me, anxiety wise in something I have to work on, but maybe now is not that time.

So I may or may not go home early today, we shall see.

I wish you all a happy Friday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nada

Hi Everyone,

I completely blanked on blogging yesterday; like nada, not even a thought of it. 

I got stuff done last night.

I also brought my daughter out and she was able to see the Northern Lights. They weren’t as vibrant as the night before, but they were beautiful and she was happy to be able to say she’s seen them now.

I am knocking it out at work, which is unlike me, let’s face it, I put stuff off that I don’t want to do. I think we all do that to an extent. But tomorrow will be the one week mark until I’m done. I’ll walk out that Friday and that’s it. I feel badly not sharing that I have to find something else, but I do, I need more money if I can get it, I need to not have three months off as much as I thought that that would be wonderful and it would, if I had money. I need insurance that doesn’t cost $1000 a month. I don’t hold that against them at all because they are a small business and insurance in this country is a crock of shit right now.

I woke up before my alarm clock went off this morning, and I was able to get up and at least get ready without feeling rushed. Everything else I usually do fell by the wayside, but that’s OK. And I cried this morning. These tears, this is what I was going through before I started taking medication and so I know that this is either hormonal or depression linked. I give myself enough grace to allow the tears, but I don’t wall in them and I don’t try to evaluate them. Hey, the bottom line is I’m going through a lot right now, many of the people I love are going through a lot right now.

I’ve always said that the only guarantee we come with when we are born, is that we will die. I don’t mean it to be morose, rather just that life is what life is and so much of it we can’t control. Better to roll with it and do what you can to make it beautiful.

Alright, well I guess I better get some shit done. My boss has this huge checklist and although I’ve accomplished many checks, there is more to do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Things I Can Live Without

Good Morning!

Well, something was clearly up with me yesterday. In the last couple months, I have sometimes felt like a very little child. Must feel when they’re sick. They don’t understand it. They just know they feel miserable. I don’t know if yesterday was a mental health thing or a physical thing.

I got home, and I was just so exhausted. I preach about giving ourselves grace in these times, but I was bummed because I just wanted to try and do something but getting off the couch or something I couldn’t do, until I finally came to terms with the fact that I just needed to go to bed.

I slept on and off all night and I woke up to some very weird funky dreams. One involved a naked man. It was someone I know and I just about died and it literally made me wake up. Thank God it wasn’t anything sexual.

I might’ve had a heart attack.

No sex for me.

Well all I can say is back at it for another day, another couple dollars.

I’m forcing myself to look at my bank account balance everyday in an effort not to freak myself out but to hold myself accountable.

There are things I use on the daily that I’m running out of and I’m working on staying calm. I will have them again when things are more manageable.

These are things I can live without.

There’s really no time this morning to do anything but the dishes so I’ll do those and get to work.

As long as you do something, then every day counts.

Have a great day, you are loved.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

These things pass

It’s me again.

Twofer.

How can a morning that is calm and productive and…if not overwhelmingly happy, at least doable, turn so wrong? I’m in fight or flight and I want to leave…now.

Like right now.

I feel like I’m already gone. I feel like this place is already my past.

It’s ok to feel that way but not to bolt. I don’t feel safe here. Nothing bad happened. I just…I feel bad for my coworker and that’s all I’m gonna say. She’s my boss and my coworker. I can’t go into her details.

I work very hard at shielding myself from the feelings of others because I am very susceptible to being triggered by them.

It’s not her fault, this happens. But work is the one place I can’t gracefully bow out of and go home.

This can’t be over soon enough.

It’s an I want my mom kind of day.

Just want her so much. I had an amazing mom; kind, affectionate, caring, loving.

Momma.

I’m going to be ok. One hour and 15 minutes and I’ll go park somewhere for 30 minutes. It’s a crying day. I cried on the way into work and I guess I’ll cry at lunch too.

These things pass but we have no choice to feel them and process them and move on. I really must not have gotten enough sleep last night either. I’m wiped out.

I got this; Feel it, process it, move on. And my goal will be to sleep tonight…early bedtime :)

All right, I am at lunch now. I ate before I went to lunch because I didn’t wanna buy lunch so I brought my lunch and now I’m full so I won’t buy lunch and you see where this is going. I am rambling.

I’m a little better, I think just getting out of the little enclosure we work in helped. I mean the bottom line is, man, sometimes you just gotta ride it out you know?

We are wrapping things up, and I have this whole list of things I have to do but the majority of them, I don’t know how to do because I’ve never done a year-end wrap up here. This is my first one. And hopefully my last. But even so, I still have to do it. Her door has been shut ever since I walked out after talking to her. So I picked something I know how to do and it’s just busy work, but it’s work that needs to be done so I guess that’s something.

I have a feeling that will be the rest of my day here. Tomorrow morning, I’m just gonna say look I need to know how to do this shit.

And I do have a feeling I’ll be done Friday because I Cannot see not getting these things done.

So two more paychecks and then the shit hits the fan.

Maybe.

We shall see what the gods have in store for me. Should be interesting, it always is. All right, I’m out of here. I’m going to spend the rest of my lunch planning my evening. I’m so Flippin tired, I need to be in bed by 8 PM no matter what.

Wish me luck with that will ya?

Peace! Love! Hippy Beads.

Neecie

Not In the Cards

Good Morning,

Ugh, I am running late but not for lack of trying. Been up, went on a walk, did all the stuff but I wanted to be done with one of my projects this morning and I wanted the dishes done. Most of the dishes were done but I made my meatballs last night and so I let the pot I made them in soak.

Plus I had to empty out the dishwasher, put stuff away. Anyways, both are done but I still have to get dressed, make my food for the day and get out of here on time. It should be fine.

I went rollerskating yesterday. I had to push myself a little bit but I'm so glad I did. Once I'm laid off, I'm going to start going I think it's Wednesday nights, they have an adult skate with old school rock. The music they play on Sunday mornings? Yeah, no.

But it was good. Like I said, I made my meatballs, we had maintenance in and he's a nice kid. Our heat went out, this happened last year too. I tend to shut off the heat around 6:00PM so I can sleep comfortably and then turn it up right away in the morning.

Y'all know in an apartment, it gets hot.

I'm not sure if this is my last week at work or not, I guess we'll see what I'm able to get done.

Tonight, besides some exercise, I'm going to do one of the projects and then job search, literally until it's time for shower and bed.

I was so looking forwards to the time off but that's not in my cards right now.

I've posted a few new videos and if you feel like watching any of them, here they all are. 

If you happen across this blog, please consider subscribing to my channel, it's free!! It helps!!

Thank you!!

LOL, thank you. No more long form videos until this weekend.

Thanks for all the love and support you guys.

I appreciate you!! So much!!

Have a great Monday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie