Prison Boxes

Hi Everyone,

How are you alll?

I hope this finds you well.

So today I am trying to do something, anything, and if I'm honest, I'm trying to do a little of everything. I already know I can't get it all done so a little bit of everything.

Just anything productive. I've been in no-man's land and I'm looking to break free. 

I was going to go to a friend's house last night but didn't and so I am going tonight. I know it's going to be hard because I'll be thinking of all I need to do but I have to start pushing myself out of the box I've both created and imprisoned myself in.

I'm gonna be there at  and leave by 7:15. That gives me enough time to sortof get my shite together for bed. So I just have to keep moving until it's time to go over there. I'll feel so much better about things if I do that.

It's "little" Pumpkin's birthday today. 3 years ago, the first time I ever got to see kittens be born, I held that little girl in my hands, removed her amniotic sac because her Momma was exhausted at that point and then, when she wouldn't take a breath, I rubbed her vigorously until she did.

And now, she's a chonka wonka.

She has brought us unimaginable laughter and joy.

Alright, well, on with it then.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What I Have and Not What I Want

Ah. Well. I still have 12 minutes to start this with Good Morning.

This bottom I’ve hit? I believe I wrote about it recently? I’m not bouncing back as I usually do. Luckily, it’s not a bottom with give so it’s not going further down. I’m staying very uncomfortably in the same place.

Part of it is I promised myself no more dramatic posts on FB.

So that’s an outlet I’ve shut down.

And I struggle when I give up habits even if they no longer serve me. 

I don’t know what’s gonna happen here but the fear of it has me frozen. 

I’m willing to change things but it seems I’ve put conditions on it.

I have to let those go. Changing it has to start with forcing myself to do the things that will help.

Changing it means working with what I have, not what I want.

See I know these things but putting action behind it? I wilt.

But that is the beginning of the way out.

I reached out to two friends yesterday. Because I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I need to get OUT of the apartment everyday. 

So I’m going over to have dinner at a friend’s tonight and I’m doing the same Thursday night and I’m seeing my sister on Friday.

My bestie is in Washington and the flooding and breaking of the levees and the storms…it’s brutal. 

She’s ok but I am worried. I am really, really worried.

Please keep her and all the people affected by this in your thoughts.

Anyways, that’s where things are at today. By reaching out, I feel I was able to rise a bit off the bottom today. I’m hovering just above it, levitating with my toes almost touching the bottom but above it nonetheless.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Inconceivable

Another Day, maybe Another Dollar.

Greetings to you this morning.

I slept last night but I cried myself to sleep. I am devastated by the what happened to Rob Reiner and his wife. Apparently, it was their son who killed them.

Obviously, I did not know these people. But Rob Reiner has been such a part of my life in a way. As I was coming up in my adulthood, his movies were the fabric of my life.

I went and saw This is Spinal Tap with my friend Greg, who was probably one of my best friends at that time and he sadly has passed on. And princess bride? I mean, I don’t even know how many times I’ve watched that movie. I loved it when I saw it as a teenager and I loved it when I watched it with my children. I’m gonna see if I can find it today and watch it in honor of him. It’s just so sad. 

And it makes you realize, it really can end at any time. In any way. I sit here in my depression and my fear and quite frankly, some days it’s outright hopelessness and now I’m sitting here thinking, well I’m alive.

I still have work to do. There’s still a chance for me.

It just all feels so hard.

I did get some things done yesterday. I’m going to try to get some things done today.

It’s funny because I put myself out here, on this blog, but especially doing the YouTube videos. I continue to get more attention there and more subscribers and don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking it, but when people comment, then I get scared of them. And I wonder what their motivations are and I have turned off comments, but some of my other shorts before I did that obviously, people still have the ability to comment and no one has said anything mean or bad, just someone commented some things and I’m just not who I used to be. I used to thrive on any kind of attention and now when I get attention, it scares me to death and I find myself questioning people’s intentions. You know, like I don’t trust them or something.

All I can do, is continue to post videos and disable the comments each time.

I guess I’m just a scaredy-cat these days. And honestly, a lot of it has to do with the fact that in the past, while my choices in friends has always been dead on, my choices as far as romantic connections were so far off and often times, I started friendships, thinking friendship, and even said friendship, and the other person took it somewhere. It was never meant to go. So yeah, I get scared of people.

Anyways, even though I don’t know them, my thoughts go out to the Reiner family and let me just say thank you to Rob Reiner, for what he gave us all, all of us who love his movies.

Ugh, it’s so heartbreaking.

Love and hug your people. Check in with them, make sure they’re OK. Because you just never know, do you? 

I hope you have a good day,

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Nasty

 

Good Morning,

So it seems I'm going to have to really push myself today. Yesterday, my daughter came over, this is my oldest daughter. It was unexpected but welcome. She ended up spending a good portion of her day with my youngest and I.

We were hilarious. A LOT of laughter.

I've said before, that when it comes to my kids, they will always come first. So I dropped what I had planned to do for the day.

After she left though, I got overwhelmed by everything. This is normal for me. The big emotions thing and I suspect, the ADHD thing. So I flaked out.

I didn't sleep well but I did have one dream, about Jeffree Starr of all people, that gave me hope.

No, I will NOT be contacting him to ask him to save us, lol.

I understand fully the dreams meaning.

I'm gonna run with hope today and focus on things that bring wealth...I'm not talking millions, I'm just talking enough.

Although I do not generate $$ off of this blog, it is connected to my YouTube channel and I do not yet qualify for it's ad programs. Sadly, I never will. I can fight it on appeal and will when I can afford it but for now...no. It happened because when I first monetized this blog, people were trying to help me by clicking the ads constantly but they figured that out and disabled my account. It's been over 11 years...so they should give me a second chance but we're not there yet anyways. When I am, I'll look further into it.

So. 

Today.

Today is today and I'm just gonna do the best I can.

That's all I've got. I took bougie bath this morning, conditioned then washed my hair, gave myself a facial because I was so checked out last night, I didn't do it and I felt nasty.

Goodbye nasty girl. Now I'm thinking of Vanity 6. Nasty Girl. Vanity's real name was Denise Matthews and she was engaged to Prince in the 80s. Denise was...look up her story. She turned her life around and she was like...hard core Christian, even becoming a minister. It was a bit much for me but she did eventually die from kidney problems due to her crack use in the late 80s.

Sad.

What matters is that she found peace in a way that was meaningful to her and I suspect, helped a lot of people in the process.

One of the most beautiful creatures to roam this earth.

She just was.

I digress.

I am no longer nasty.

So...onwards.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good is Good Enough

Good Morning,

I hope you are all feeling good and doing well.

I'm doing good this morning. I did put 5.5 hours of sleep together. I set my alarm for 6 and it took me awhile, but I did get up. I am having a very productive morning so far.

I feel good. I feel strong. I feel, if not hopeful, a bit of relief. Enough, that I can move and get things done today.

This is good and good is good enough. I have a list and job search, resume tweaking is the top priority. If the rest of the things on the list don't happen, it won't be from lack of effort. And that is a good thing, right?

I am not feeling stressed out by things I have no control over and I am working on those things I do have control over.

No naps today, because I've been doing that again but I do believe it affects my sleep at night. 

As good as a nap feels...priorities.

That's really all I have today. 

I hope yours is a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Blew the Day

 

Hello,

Solution only, no bitching, no drama.

The first solution I am finding is one that quite simply has to be 100% nonnegotiable because all the other ones can't happen unless I do this.

When I go into high stress mode like this, I just don't sleep and often times, as occurred the night before last, I have nightmares.

So I was up for at least two hours and finally fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 9 and I just, yes, it still leaves time to handle the priority, which is job search but then we hit the conundrum that is my mind. It won't shut up and it keeps telling me, "you blew the whole day."

While the solution is easy, clearing my brain in order to just push through it, is hard. I don't know if it's impossible or not, but I sit down to do job search and it is just a cluster fuck of everything else I need to do too.

I have literally screamed at my mind and told it, "Just for the love of all that is sacred, shut the fuck up." 

I don't know, keep screaming I guess. Anyways, today I'm not running on a list, today I am doing one thing at a time and now allowing myself to think about anything else.

But. I need to pick a time to get up in the morning and stick to it, regardless of how much I slept. It is what it is.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Coffee and Toilet Paper

Hey All,

Struggling today. Man, this roller coaster though. 

Yesterday, I managed to apply for jobs. I managed not to cry or feel sorry for myself, not to drown in the fear part of this but instead to breath through it.

If by some miracle, I make it to the other side of this…I will never forget the lesson. Never again.

Last week, a family member gave me $50 for food and yesterday, another family member ordered groceries for us.

My former roommate is keeping us in coffee and toilet paper. I just need a few extra things, no more than $20 worth, which I’ll charge. I am extremely grateful.

Each thing counts. Each thing matters. 

Thank you.

I’m going to put out a number here. I’m not asking for this, not from anyone. I have no expectations. It’s an experiment.

Let’s say I don’t find a job and end up having to go back to the job I just got laid off from…I need 6 grand to make my budget. 6K $6,000, Six Thousand. 

Living in fear week to week and sometimes day to day, it’s going to literally be the end of me so I’m trying to manifest this shit. So I can finally just relax and maybe actually be able to focus on what NEEDS to get done.

I know no one I know can do this for me. I’m not asking for that. I’m putting it out to the Universe.

Thank you Universe for six thousand dollars I need to make it til the end of this layoff if I don’t find anything else first.

I’m grateful for getting what I need to survive the next 3 months.

Thank you Universe.

Ok, now that we have that behind us, I am going to finally start my day.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise