The Only Thing We Have to Fear…

 Ok.

I feel that I have been dilly dallying again, allowing myself not to push myself. Nor have I given great weight to doing the things that help me. So I meditated this morning. I took a shower and I put a wee bit of makeup on because I might have an interview today, waiting to hear.

It’s another longterm bad boy but it has the potential to go perm and after 90 days, I would have the option of working remotely 1 or 2 times a week.

I will be very honest. I don’t want a long term job there. I need benefits, good ones so yeah, I will take this job if offered it, but I will be a fucking rock star baller motherfucker at finding a permanent landing.

This new possibility is in the elderly care field, although not a nursing home or elderly care situation. I would be removed from that. I’d be in a business setting as opposed to the actual care site.

If there is one thing I learned, I don’t ever want to work in one of those settings ever again. I have worked in two of them now and had experience with the other two that mom stayed in.

Never again.

They suck. They are all about money, namely your parents hard earned money and they can’t meet their promises, they don’t even try but they will bold faced look you in the eye and make those promises.

So no way. Just no fucking way. 

Hi Ireland, Sweden and England. Thank you for coming here and reading my blog and showing it support. Oddly enough, my ancestry includes all 3 of those areas.

I’m proud of that. I’m a wee tiny bit Finlander as well…well, there were several things actually but the 3 biggies were named above.

I’ve been reading up a ton on Ireland of late; economy, crime rates, where do they stand on diversity, all of that.

I’m getting my passport soon and I’ve never had one and Ireland is on my list for several reasons. Anywhere I go at this point is for several reasons, not just to visit but to really dig deep into the land and the people and see if I would consider spending the rest of my life in one of these places.

Nothing is set in stone at this point, just curious is all.

And want to be armed with all the facts. 

You know, I posted this rant about zombies this morning on my facebook page. 

I’ve talked a little bit about it over here. The fucking loud mouths over on FB spewing fear. I also see bullying and unkindness. I see promotion of violence against others.

And sad to say, I see this shit on both sides. 

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna dig deep here and promote the same. It’s so fucking stupid.

But I did decide, this fear thing? I am going to start posting but very generic way and with advice I feel is warranted. Will it make a difference? No, lol. I’m not that fucking egotistical.

But I’ll do that so I don’t feel my voice has been silenced but also…I’ll take my own advice.

Fear comes being afraid of losing something and it includes the whole gambit. We fear:

·       Losing our rights: Too many to write out, but whatever applies for  you…Examples are:

o   The right to practice your faith

o   The right to choose

o   The right to honest education

o   The right to say whatever the fuck you want to

o   Etc. Etc. Etc.

·       Loss of life

·       Violence

·       Humiliation

·       Loss of wealth, power or prestige

·       Loss of sex

·       Loss of freedom

·       Loss of a partner

·       Loss of our children

·       Loss of a friendship

·       Loss of possessions

·       Loss of property

·       Loss of a job

·       Loss of self

·       Fear of the unknown

The things we covet the most, are the things we have fear of losing. And I use the word covet lightly here.

Covet…is not a word I find to be positive. Although we can covet anything, perhaps that word best fits into the wealth, power, prestige.

You get what I’m saying though.

I in no way mean to suggest that we will never experience fear. Fear is normal. What is harmful, is when we live in it, when we can’t face it, when we dance around it and become something we don’t want to be in order to maintain the natural order, whatever that is for each of us.

Fear.

I have faced many things in my life. And the funny thing is, when you look fear squarely in the eye, it’s very rarely a big ole’ boogeyman. Looking at fear diminishes it. Walking through it is even better. It makes it go away. Living in fear has repercussions physically, mentally and spiritually. I would argue that there is a way through anything.

Although some humans are more animalistic in their willingness to do whatever it takes to remain in power or hold on to their wealth and feed their ego with control over others, I would like to think there is an equal amount of who just want to love who we love, openly and treat others with love and approach our lives from a point of love.

The sad thing is that fearful little people, follow the big fearful people because of their perceived power.

All bullies come from a place of insecurity.

Do not become a bully. Treat even your enemies with kindness, even if they don’t deserve it. I struggle with wishing some people in power right now, dead. Done, finito. 

So I’m part of the problem but geez…it’s a conundrum. I do pray for them. I pray that the Gods, Goddesses, God, Jesus, Allah, whoever the fuck touch their hearts and mark them in love so that they can be of benefit to the greater good instead of selfish A-tards.

But still that fear.

What is unknown is unknown. What will be is unknown. I simply have no control over the unknown. But I can prepare myself for certain outcomes. I cannot and will not live from a place of fear lest I become like the bullies.

Strengthen yourself. Face one fear today. I have fear of two things today:

1.    That I won’t get a call about this interview for another possible contract job.

2.    That I’ll be lazy again tonight and not get anything done.

And so, how do I flex my face the fear muscles?

If I don’t get a call by the time I leave today, I will call the recruiter and ask for an update.

I will make a manageable list, I promise,it will be manageable and I will hit it tonight.

A good warrior faces their internal demons before they face the real life ones.

Pick a fear and run with it.

I used to call all my internal bullshit my “monster”.

Now, because all that bullshit is multi-faceted, I call it The Weirdos. 

I actually like the weirdos and I’ll write about them in greater detail at some point.

I am not afraid of The Weirdos but I used to be absolutely terrified of my monster.

And guess what? We all have weirdos. Even orange men, especially orange men. And sadly, some humans are simply born defective. The defective ones are not who you think they are either. The defective ones are the Ted Bundy’s, the Jeffrey Dahmer’s, etc. It’s not who you think. Because one of the ones who may immediately come to mind is a child; an insecure child. And he became a bully. His weirdos have one helluva hold on him. Nowwwww….some of the ones he has around him…defects.

But they can be dealt with too. We’re not there yet. I pray with everything I have, that we will never be there. Time will tell.

But the big kahuna? A testy, insecure, daddy issues little baby.

Doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous though.

Still.

What do you personally have control over right now? Today? I can almost 100% of my shit.

Anyone else’s, nada.

So let’s work on fear this next week shall we?

One does not become strong in anything if one does not flex the corresponding muscle. Fear is an emotion so it must be faced with lack of emotion, it must be faced with curiosity, a bit of courage and a desire for knowledge and understanding. Once we understand something, we are very rarely still afraid of it.

Fear. For the next week, let’s talk about fear. Then we shall move on. I’ve got a plan here. And if I’m the only one who learns from my blog, that’s OK.

My regular blog will continue but I’ll be addressing fear somewhere in each blog.

Make this day your own.

I’m not gonna say make it your bitch because I will save the word for when it’s appropriate. Believe me, there are times it’s appropriate.

Taking the power out of that one right here and now.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Little Chaos Baby

 

Hello,

Good Morning,

I have been up since 2:45 or so. No biggie. I went to bed at 6:15. I know, wtf? You guys, I can't help but wonder sometimes if I'm on my way out. Seriously.

I have no energy. Zero. Nada.

But because I'm a beginner Baller and not a full fledged one...my head is still so full of...stuff.

What honestly would happen, and I'm not saying I'm even capable of doing this, but what would happen if I put down everything I'm a slave to? We're talking my skincare routines, my fitbit, social fucking media, trying to eat the right shit, smoking for sure, all the requirements I hold myself to but very rarely adhere to?

I am my mother's savage daughter and I often think...when did I get tamed? 

Beast, I think often of those hills at the Civic Center, running barefoot through the dirt, jumping from one hill of dirt to the next, swimming in the puddles after it rained. 

It is where Gorsen first came to us.

I long for those hills, nature, a wood cabin (albeit a nice one). I'd love to paint my face like Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bears and go fuck shit up.

I'm a little chaos baby who has always tried to fit into normal.

I want to be in Munster, Ireland, where some of my ancestors hail from; I want to be holding my sister's hand as we look out on the expanse of where our people came from.

I want to be barefoot in Finland and Sweden, on the ground my other ancestors stepped on. I want to visit Wales and see the sea...the same sea my people looked out on.

And back in the real world; I applied for a job this morning but I have done nada with updating my resume. So tonight, that is my goal. That and to apply for 3 jobs I saved.

I'm bored, I'm tired and I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting annoyed that I have yet to win the lottery.

Pumpkin has been meowing all morning. 

I leave you now to go worship her beauty and fawn over her greatness.

Have a great day Ballers.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Magic Wands

 Well Hello There,

Ugh. 4 hours of sleep man. And to top it off, I was about 10 minutes away from work and I felt movement happening. No cramping, I don’t often get outright attacks anymore and I knew I could make it to work ok, but how uncomfortable having that feeling. 

All I could think of was Mike Meyers as Fat Bastard saying, “I’ve got a turtle head poking out.”

You have to say it in an Scottish accent though.

Seriously, my brain fixates on weird shit all the time. I think it’s because life, in reality, is quite boring.

So you can say how unladylike, but by all the Gods, it was a doozy. I bet I dropped 10 lbs after birthing that thing. It had a life of it’s own. But better a log, then die-la-rhea, as my sis calls it.

Die-la-rhea no bueno.

You know what? I really didn’t do shit yesterday. I guess that’s what I needed.

This sleep shit though. I did not take an edible or the medication. I know, I know. I am so back and forth on this shit but honestly, I do listen to my body. And that stuff, oh my God, it makes my mornings foggy. Me no like.

Me no like at all.

But also, the last two nights, my daughter has been feeling better and she has reconnected with a young man she knew a couple years back. I haven’t met him but she’s been out with him the last two nights.

I can’t help it. I worry. I’m one of those pyschos who knows everything serial killer. Once again, since I brought that up, I must also put up a disclaimer. I do not get off on what these people do, it’s the horror and the why of it.

I promise, no triggers or specifics here, that I won’t go into detail. There is a case from 2007 that I’ve followed. It’s horrific. There were 5 offenders involved against 2 victims. Each of these offenders was tried individually. But it’s been this constant nightmare for the parents, as if what happened to their children wasn’t bad enough. First, the judge in the case? Turns out he was an opiate addict so all of his cases had to be retried. So the parents had to relive that. Then, one of them appealed and she got her sentence reduced from 53 years to 35. She’s already had her first parole hearing and she was denied. Then, they got one of the perps to turn on one of the others, he had just gotten 18 years for carjacking and for hiding one of the other perps. Well one of them turned on him…finally, and told the truth about his part. So he went from 18 years to life without parole.

One of the perps received the death sentence  and that was upheld both in the retrial and all his appeals have been denied. 

Fry that fucker already.

The father of the female victim in this crime, he’s tenacious. I would NOT want to go up against him. 

But he’s had this whole journey, turned his back on God and now found God again but he still struggles. He really does. And if you knew the details, you would get it.

But here’s the thing. I used to be able to read this stuff and yeah, it was horrible but I maintained a sortof detachment from it. 

Somewhere in all of the changes and things I’ve made, I can no longer remain detached. I went down the rabbit hole of getting caught up in this story again.

And I fucked myself completely. I think a lot of the crying I’ve been doing lately has much to do with my travels back to this story.

And so, even though I know we must let our grown kids do what they are going to do, I worry. I have this story vivid in my mind and she goes out two nights in a row with someone I don’t know, have never met. I’m sure he’s a good kid.

But a mother worries. So there was little to no sleep until she was home safely.

I have not spoken to one single person whose not going through something lately. I guess we all are.

I need to let these stories, this bizarre fascination with these horrors, go. I know a lot of people who share this particular…bizarreness.

I think because there’s so much fear being spewn right now, I have to put a face to it. I have to be able to see the boogeyman, know what he looks like and how to avoid him.

Some would argue if I want to see the boogeyman, I could just start scrolling through my facebook again; there’s a couple boogeymen there. One is an orange motherfucker and one impregnates women like it’s going out of style tomorrow and then abandons them. One wears eyeliner and one…I don’t even know what that fucker looks like but he’s got 2025 tattooed across his forehead.

Fuckers.

So yeah…whatever.

You know, when I put my notice in at my former job, one of my coworkers asked me if I was going to actually work for the last two weeks or if I was gonna be “checked out.” Turns out, I checked out. 

I’m going to be a bit checked out here. I have to find a job and I’m worthless, 100% worthless at night.

I meant to bring my own laptop here but it’s OK. I’m going to do the same thing I do here for this blog which is to write it on Word and then copy and paste it to my personal email, which I literally only log in to for about 5 seconds, send it to myself and then I delete the original document without saving it on this computer.

My long blogs, some would probably think I was writing for hours. I can whip out this motherfucker in under 15 minutes if I don’t have any interruptions.

I surpassed my hits goal for the month and we still have 3 full days to go until February is over.

I for one am so glad February is almost done. It’s been a motherfucking motherfucker fuck. And I am tired.

But I had another dream about Momma and she came with a message again. 

This is stuff that you read about, you don’t believe it until it happens to you but I saw again, that I’m going to be OK. She wore yellow in the dream. If it’s a good dream, yellow denotes luck, hope, prosperity, creativity and success…it denotes a new journey. And she had her keys in the dream, she was gonna go for a drive. Keys signify journeys as well.

I love her.

I waited for almost a year for her to show up in my dreams. Dad showed up right away so I was sad about not seeing her. But when she finally came, she came in a big way.

I just…yes, I love her. I feel her all around me. And Dad too.

I very rarely, in fact I’m not sure if I ever have, seen my bio dad. I don’t hate him. I just…he was the first one to break my heart. He was the first in a long line of many. He set that standard, ya know? He set the bar for abandonment.

I loved him when he was here, I did not wish him any ill will. I was devastated by his departure but…now, while I don’t hate him, I guess what I struggle with is ambivalence.

He didn’t ruin love for me. Love is something…for many years I couldn’t handle. Love meant abandonment. You can only be hurt when you make yourself vulnerable, when you dare to let someone in your heart. For me, it was killing me not to really let anyone in. I always got caught up in why they weren’t perfect or what their defects of character were.

I love love now. 

I let it in and I let myself love others. Like real love, like letting them be who they are, like meeting them where they are at, like having no expectations of them, like loving them without condition.

It’s terrifying but it’s getting less so and I love love so much more than the cloak of fear I put around myself for so long…not really letting anyone in and expecting everyone to always fail me. 

A lot of this is normal with borderline personality. We tend to put people up on pedestals and then when they show themselves to be human, and come crashing down, we blame them.

It’s all a cycle and one I’ve let go of. I’ve had experience with that even in this short contracting position I’ve been in. But I saw it immediately this time. 

And I did not engage.

I just want to be happy. I do know it’s a choice and I think often about happiness being a choice but I also refer back to the AA slogan, simple not easy. Simple: Make the choice to be fucking happy already. Not easy: Being happy and staying that way.

And now, what’s changed so very much is that I just want the people I love to be happy. Each of my kids have their own struggles, each of my family members have their own struggles and each of my friends have them too.

Momma: This life is hard.

But I have to remember that when she said that, she had been taken off her meds without anyone telling us and her tummy was so bad and she wasn’t eating and she wasn’t herself enough to know to tell us. 

She was going through it.

But yeah, I just want to be happy and I want the people I love to be happy. I wish I could wave a magic wand, take back the color orange because I love the color orange. Maybe orange will be my new color. I look damn good in it. Use it for the good. With a magic wand, I would heal everything and everyone.

Magic Wands.

I have one. But it was purchased for me. I need to make my own. Half of what makes magic work is belief.

I do believe. I do believe.

Well I guess I better actually work. Just got off the phone with my daughter while she was driving into work.

I’m over this job but I still have to do this job.

The next 6.5 hours spread out before me like eternity but I got this.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This World Though

 

Hi Everyone,

Pffffftttt. That was me yesterday and what I'm trying to come back from today. It's gorgeous out and I need to get out there and walk and breath in the air.

So, I didn't go to work today. 

I handled the notice that the job would be ending ahead of time really well. I don't think it was driven by my boss. The owner of the company...I'm pretty sure it's him. 

Whatever, not gonna say anything about him. I have barely had two words with him. 

But, this is going to be weird because I'm not going to go into specifics. It goes back to my empathic shit. And I don't talk about that often anymore because few people truly understand what it means and how it plays out and all that.

I've said before, "I don't read people's minds." 

Still true.

I don't see pictures of what they see in their mind, nor do I hear their thoughts. It's a feeling thing and sometimes it's dead on, sometimes I'm wrong but most of the time, it's more like a whisper that something or someone isn't right, or that they're being deceptive or hiding things.

I should further state that this is not the case with everyone I come in contact with. In fact, most of the time, it's relatively far and between.

But I was talking to someone yesterday and my whole body went into "warning" mode. And what this person was discussing was triggering. Not in a way that made me want to turn to old solutions, just in a way that said, "danger, get the fuck away."

And I have NO idea what it triggered beyond that but I got in my car to drive home and I was crying. I couldn't stop. Not sobbing but crying.

Look, I am changing. Some of the changes are big, some small and much of the time I stagnate in between the changes. But I don't regress anymore, which is more important as far as I'm concerned.

But I seem to be getting myself remotivated quicker these days if that makes sense.

I just want to say what's on my mind and we now live in a situation, at least in the states, where one must question if it wise to do so.

I've written about the um, you know, the fact that people should shut the fuck up on social media and I guess in a sense, that's eeked over here. 

And I'm sure some people are surprised that outspoken Denise isn't going off.

Here is my thing about social media puking...dumping, whatever you want to call it, it's waste. It's stupid. First, you are announcing who you are and offering yourself up publicly. We are not yet in an authoritarian situation. Let's hope that we never do end up in one. But putting yourself out there, I don't know. That doesn't seem prudent at this juncture.

The second thing is that posting shit is not going to change anyone's mind. It's fruitless. It's exactly what "they" want us to do. And they want us to fight with each other too. It's keep us preoccupied and preoccupied is good.

The third thing, and this is BOTH sides of the pendulum, is that half the shit people post is inaccurate. Look, I don't know of any news outlet that prints the truth, the full truth and nothing but the truth but try to find one. Research what you fucking post.

I've literally told people stop scaring people. I don't know. I know so many people who are scared. I hate that for us. I refuse the fear piece. I refuse it because it keeps me immobile. 

I'm no doomsdayer, and I'm not a worst case scenario person anymore. What I try to be is intelligent, ha - if possible, but hysteria and fear will keep you from living your life. 

These things have been large on my mind for a bit of time now and I try not to let them distract me. 

Make good choices. Arm yourself with whatever truthful information you can find. Write your congress people. Speak up by marching, speak up by action I guess is what I'm saying and I don't even know what that looks like. But the stupid ass posting on social media...it feeds them, it helps them achieve their agenda.

Use the opposition's standing on certain things while you still can. There are things that have not become illegal yet, things the opposition revere and hold on to as a right. Use that to your advantage.

Hope for the best, do what you can, but be prepared for the worst. That's all I'm saying.

I have thought for years that something had to change with the political body as a whole in this country. We have billionaires, for example, who became billionaires while Dems were in office too. I'm just saying...both sides are corrupt. 

But the situation we find ourselves in now is a bit different isn't it? Yeah. Just a bit.

Right around the time, I desperately started reaching out to the silence, so that I could meet myself and start working through my "shit", the world got louder and louder.

It's difficult.

I have no idea where I fit in this world and I have no idea why I was put here on this journey. Not a single one of us asked to be born...at least I don't think we were. If I find out when I die, I'll try to find a way to let you all know the why. Seriously, life is imposed upon us.

I know that it's viewed by some to be soft to wish for Utopia, to wish for a world where we all had the same things, where we shared, where we approached each other in love, where there was not hate, power, greed or crime. Just love. And that we celebrated each other's differences but didn't worship some and find others invaluable.

John Lennon said it best...imagine.

I don't think that's soft. And if it does make me soft, then I feel sorry for the people who will never know what it's like to just love and not to covet and not have to win.

It's fear of losing what we covet that is a starting point for greed. And with greed comes power.

There is a dark side to humanity. There just is. It's nasty.

I have no idea why I wrote all this but...keep your head up, maybe save your rhetoric for when it might actually serve a purpose.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around today because yesterday was fucking weird and fucking off.

I wish you a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

When Life is Good

 Hey There Lul’ BooBoo’s,

Oh man, I had a hard time with sleep last night. I got so much done yesterday. I need to make the norm, because what I’ve found is that on the days I’m in “go” mode, I really have a hard time getting to sleep.

But I did get some, then woke up and finally, after laying there for an hour, took a sleeping pill which did help but because I took it at 1:30 in the morning, I could not get me arse out of bed. I got here on time somehow, but trust me when I tell you, I look like shite in spite of the fact that I also managed to feed the cats and do my morning skincare routine. 

But I’ve got me some big bags under me eyes.

I don’t care.

WhatEVah.

Because this tends to be a cycle, I’m gonna have to push through tonight, no nap because I know how that also affects my sleep.

Being a baller ain’t easy.

Ok, my apartment is clean. Like, clean clean. I didn’t mop the floor but I’ll do that tonight. This is the week of “projects” since it’s not a cleaning week. And I’m going to really do my best to keep things organized and clean as I go. Little cleans so that the big ones won’t be so atrocious. 

Yeah, yeah, said all this before but a girl has to keep trying and I have to repeat these things about a million, trillion times in order to make it stick.

Tonight’s project is my walk in closet. I need to reorganize it, get rid of some things, you know, just…we’re gonna move after the lease is up at the end of September and I simply have to stay on top of this shit so it stays manageable. I’m going to grab some boxes too because in the upcoming 3 months, I intend to go through storage and rebox and have it uber organized and that will take some of this shit out of the apartment, much of what I work on tonight will go into a box or two.

I need to have an easy project for tomorrow because I’m going to go to bed super early. My daughter who doesn’t live with me is coming over after work and my youngest is going to make us chicken parm for dinner but I have to help her so that means no time for the gym or a project on Wednesday. I want to get up at like 3:30AM, go to the gym and knock out a project so I can just come home and enjoy my time with my girls.

It doesn’t stop. It never stops. Life keeps coming at you, so I’m just trying to meet it right in it’s face and be like, “hello motherfucker, I got you.”

Bitch ass.

Whatever.

I do like life. I like life when it’s so good, I just want to hug it. When it’s not good, I mean no one said it’ll all be good. My attitude has changed so much, especially in the last couple years and it’s…I’m better at seeing the shiny side of the penny.

My daughter said to me, “life is hard” and I heard my mom, you know one of the times we brought her to the doctor and the doc asked her something and she said, “this life is hard.”

Oh Momma. I thought of that when my daughter said it. We spend so much time trying to get on top of it, that we start to miss what’s there, we miss the moments. My bestie, when we talked on Saturday, she said that she is doing whatever it takes to stay calm…because the world was loud anyways, but now it’s fucking screaming at all of us. The economy, the cost of living…trying to find joy can be hard. But joy is precious. Calm is precious. Peace of mind is precious. 

So in spite of all I try to accomplish, I’m shooting for that too. And those things need to be non-negotiable. 

Like because I got up late this morning, I didn’t meditate and when I meditate I sit in front of the happy light my sister sent me. So I missed that too. My phone was almost dead so I didn’t do my affirmations. 

This is the kind of thing that would’ve sent me into a tailspin before but now…I’m just like it is what it is. It’s extremely important that I do these things but I can still do them today…and I will.

It’s going to be 50 degrees out today. I could cry.

This obviously won’t last, we’re still in February in MN but hopefully, the subzero shit is behind us. We’ll get snow, we’ll definitely get snow and it might dip once or twice, or for a week, into the teens again but the forecast for now, is 50s, 40s, and 30s and all of those are A-OK with me.

So for today; everything is OK. Those things that I had on my morning schedule, the things I missed, it’s OK. Affirmations on the drive home, meditation after I go work out. See. Doable. No big deal. 

Save the stress for when things are heavy for real. Affirmations and meditation are an important part of what I do to maintain my sanity but they don’t make or break me. I’m still at work, all is well…I’m good.

So are you.

Okie, well better get going and have this day I’ve been writing about having.

I hope you have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie