Heart Shaped Bathbombs

 

Hey Guys,

Good Morning,

Ah, so much for blogging at night. I just can't seem to break this one. I'll be ready to go though...on time. 

The interview yesterday went very well but you just never know. 

I need to apply for a bunch of jobs to offset my nervousness regarding said interview.

I would be starting end of February.

And I have some guilt around that because of the contract position but this is benefits, this is a steady income, etc. I am grateful for this experience but I will tell you what. I stand by what I wrote earlier and that is that I know I can get the things she wants done, done. Prior to when she wanted them.

She is out of the office today and she gave me a project to work on. I hope to have it done by day's end. Simple thing but huge; copying and pasting info from one to spreadsheet to the next and it has to be done with great attention to detail.

The two are different so I can't c&p all of it at once.

But I'm glad to have something to do because it keeps me busy.

It feels good going in knowing exactly what my day will look like.

She gave me until Monday so if I don't finish today, I'll be able to finish Monday during the day.

But the goal is to finish today.

Anyways, anyways, I don't know...having the sun shine through a couple days in a row must've been good for me. I had energy last night. I got the rest of the apartment cleaned, as did my daughter, she's been rocking it out so I'm proud of her.

Now. This coming week? This is where I want to dance with balance again, even though I know that balance is tricksy and perhaps not even real.

Getting the apartment done is huge but next week, while not cleaning, I'll have pick up to do everyday and of course, trying to stay on top of the kitchen which like I've said has a tendency to blow up.

I want to start working on me too. Diet, exercise...what I'm going to be doing for fun and for Willow's Whimsy.

Oh, I will be making heart shaped bathbombs. They will be in sets of two and will be available Monday. I'm not making too many of them, just trying to perfect my recipe and to play with color a bit.

But might as well try and make some $$ while I'm at it.

Since we are going to move this September, I need to factor in going through everything in storage and repacking it, I need to go through and organize my supplies because that never did get done.

Bla.

Stop.

Today I feel well rested. Today I'm happy about going into work with something to do, to be able to be productive.

Today, I am happy at all I got done last night. Today I will plan my weekend. Today, I will do the best I can do and tomorrow will strive to do even better.

Today, I'm OK. I have had to unfollow several friends on FB, people I love, people whose views and values are the same as mine. Too many people stirring up fear.

Not going to partake.

Especially when the fear-sewers don't fact check first. 

I go down to many rabbit holes each day as it is.

But I do think it's making me feel better.

I'm doing good with my money but I need to print my budget out and make a template calendar just outlining what days what bills are due. I like to pay my bills at least two business days before the due date just to make sure everything goes through.

Other than rent, I have nothing to pay this week. But I do have some things next week...budget. I need it in black and white right in front of my face.

Oh shit.

I just looked at the time.

Gotta go.

Be Blessed.

It's Friday!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sometimes Silence Is...

Hello and Good Morning,

You guys, I got home last night and I vacuumed and then I pooped the hell right out. Done, just done.

I was so tired and so out of breath.

It's got to be residuals from the cold I just had. My daughter has been up all night hacking so I think that's residual's too.

I'm trying to stay off of FB. People are losing their shit. And they are posting all sorts of things, some I look up and they are either not correct at all or they are not quite what people are posting.

It's hard to be aware right now. Like, aware of the truth.

I hate politics and the politicians who go with them. All of them, both sides. 

And I hate the media and I hate social media.

When did people get so frickin' mean? And when did lying become OK? And please stop posting stuff that you haven't fact checked.

Instilling fear is not the way to light a candle under someone's ass.

It just isn't. 

I look at this stuff and I see what's being posted and I have friends who are literally getting off of FB because of the onslaught, and because of fear.

No wonder everyone is stressed the fuck out.

It's not that I don't care, I do. 

I am one fucking person, with no influence and no political power whatsoever. I wouldn't want any.

So for as long as I can, I am going to do me and I am still on this journey of trying to see where I can make a difference.

I lived in fear for so long; fear of myself and my addictions, fear of the unknown, fear of what people think of me, fear of how I look, fear of failure, fear...so you know, no, I will not take the heaping plate of fear that's being served.

I just won't.

I know some of my friends are waiting for Denise's big mouth to show up. It's not gonna. Sometimes silence is not weakness, just keep that in mind. Sometimes silence is contemplative, sometimes it's watchfulness, sometimes it's common sense.

So. I have a job interview today and I really should be getting ready. I need to dress nice and I need to do my makeup and hair and I don't want to.

It's just that kind of morning. But I have done my skincare. I meditated. I had to force those things but whatever.

Ugh, my clothes aren't going to fit. I've gotten so fat. Well I mean, I was still fat but this weight gain. I've lost about 2 lbs of the 9 or so that I gained back but it still sucks. Even 5 pounds can make such a difference.

But I'll figure it out.

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breathless

 Gooooooooood Morning Vietnam!!

Sorry.

I’m manifesting my Robin Williams this morning.

Actually, just the opposite, I’m kind of a dullard this morning.

I got in almost 8 hours sleep last night which is great but it seems like, not all the time, but as a general rule, when I sleep good, I have an incredibly difficult time getting up in the morning.

So I changed the alarm to 6 but of course, I couldn’t get back to sleep and so while I did get up late, I still had time to at least feed the cats, make myself presentable and get out the door and get here on time. 

I’m feeling bouts of light headedness and breathlessness. That has meant one of two things in the past; vertigo or bleeding ulcer.

The vertigo makes most sense because I recently had a cold and it’s my ears that I have to worry about most when sick and I was having those awful stabs of pain in my ears while sick.

So it’s most likely that, I’ve had some ringing in my right ear too.

The only time I had a bleeding ulcer was when I was going through that tooth stuff and I was eating baby aspirin like candy to try and kill the pain.

Anyways, I’m aware. On the driver over to work to today, I stuck to the furthest right lane just in case I felt myself going to far down the veil of light headedness.

It was fine and I’m fine now. 

So last night? I don’t know man. I tried and that’s worth something but all I could rouse myself to do was to apply for two jobs, give myself a facial and take a shower. I did some dishes too but yeah, that was it.

I was pooped.

I don’t have time to be pooped.

This is something I have to work on, pushing through that. And I mean, last night was not a total bust, I didn’t take a nap, I made it to 8:45 until I said, “Ok, I gotta do this. I have to lay down and go to bed because I’m wiped the fuck out.

I know I was up a couple times but…it’s OK. I kept going back to sleep and that’s the main thing.

The day before yesterday, I got in 7 glasses of water and yesterday I got in 8 so my body is adjusting and when I woke up last night, it was usually because I had to pee.

I think it’s normal to have an “adjustment” period after going back to work. I’m just trying to work my way through it and figure out how this will all work for me.

I feel like the one thing I have to prioritize is that hour before bed; allowing myself to wind down so my body can catch on and then to be in bed by 9.

It’s hard.

It’s hard sitting still, it’s hard concentrating on whatever it is I choose to read each night, it’s hard to stay off of my phone.

I always say balance is an illusion, and it is, but it also a dance and not always a graceful one. We must first learn the steps and trip awkwardly over our feet, right?

So I look at it like this, at least I’m on the journey.

If I persist, I will get there.

Alright, well, I gots to go.

Hoping I will stay busy today.

Tomorrow, I’m only here until 1:30, then I have an interview at 2:30 and then I can go home so I’ll have an extra hour to rock things out.

I’d like to have the apartment as clean as possible by Friday because of the inspection I mentioned yesterday. 

I still have to check with my roomie to see if Pumps can go for a visit all day Friday.

I love that little kitty so much.

I love all the kitties.

And all the puppies.

And all the animals.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dragula

 Hi Guys,

Uffda. I had a hard time this morning. I felt good when I woke up but it was a slow drag to get moving. Drag myself out of bed, drag myself to the bathroom, got on the scale – was infuriated and cried, dragged myself out to feed the cats and make my coffee, dragged myself to my altar to meditate, dragged myself into the bathroom again to brush my teeth and do my morning skincare routine, dragged my clothes on, dragged myself out to the dining room to get my work bag filled, dragged myself down to my car and here I am.

This weight thing, it’s getting to me. I’ve gained 9 pounds and the scale just doesn’t want to budge.

I’m sick of being the fat chick. 

It’s not about bagging a man, I could care less about that as you all know. 

It’s about feeling my best.

But.

Whatever.

Yes, I’m blogging at work.

But I’m being Denise-ish about it. I’ll copy and paste this to my gmail. Then go on my phone and copy and paste it into my blog and there you go.

Yesterday was hard in the sense that in spite of what I’m being paid, there’s not a lot to do. If this was all planned out, I would have this all done in two weeks.

So I really, really struggled. But every hour I get up and do a little walk about so that I’m moving. I go to the bathroom. Peeing is no problem, I always have to pee. I’m back to shooting for 8 glasses of water a day.

I got in about 7 yesterday.

So. I had a list for last night and I’ll be damned if I didn’t get it done. I never go that hard in the evenings and I was tired, that’s for sure.

How do “normal” people do this? Keep up this pace?

I’m trying to calm down about everything I want to be doing; working out, getting my YouTube up and running again, time. Time just slips through my fingers.

But I did get a lot done last night, I didn’t just melt into the couch.

I saw my former roomie last night and he is not doing well. He’s been getting radiation and chemo and although the prognosis is very good, it’s affecting him. He has always worked, he has an incredible work ethic but he has now taken off about 6 weeks and for me, that more than anything told me he’s not feeling well. 

It makes me so sad.

And I can’t help but think about my Dad and how it was for him. This is not that, I mean, my roomie has a good prognosis, it’s just getting through the next month will be hard for him.

I called my sister and cried a bit. 

Just sad.

And I cried this morning. It’s not so much of the why do I have to do this, meaning work, it’s more of I can’t do all this.

But I can and I will and as for the scale, well fuck the scale.

I’m still Denise.

My worth is not valued in weight.

My daughter gets off work at like, 4 today so I will go right from my job to pick her up and I’m gonna push for her to clean and stuff tonight because they are doing an inspection Friday and they are picking random apartments. I want ours clean.

I always want ours clean. It’s like the never ending story, keeping this tiny little space clean.

I’m trying to find a place for Pumpkin to go that day because we are only supposed to have 2 cats and if they come in our apartment, we’re busted.

I might check and see if my roomie is up to having her for the day. I could drop her off in the morning and bring her back in the evening.

This stuff is all such a pain.

But it’s worth it. She’s worth it. I love that “little” cat so much.

I want to see my sister’s pup, Chatty. I haven’t seen Chatty in a hot minute. She’s so sweet, that little girl.

Soon.

Alright, well, I better go.

Get on with this day and have it be what it is.

I hope yours is good.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Friday Pay

 

Good Morning,

Back to Monday already, are we? Ack! 

I am finding that the meal prepping the night before is a great thing. So far this morning, I've meditated, started my skincare routine, fed the cats, made my coffee.

I only need to clean the litter boxes, great dressed, make my shake (I can't make that one ahead of time), put my food in my to go bag, and I'll be all set.

So do have enough time if I stick to a plan.

I feel good about yesterday. It was a down day for me, just had the blues. But I pushed through. No nap, just steady working on what needed to be worked on so that's good.

Lots of laundry, lots of organizing paperwork, lots of grocery shopping, etc.

And the kitchen, I think I said this yesterday, the kitchen is an everyday thing because it's too damn tiny and it gets out of control so fast.

I don't know why some days are sad days. I don't know what changes in me. I don't know why happy days are happy days but I'm slowly getting better at pushing through the sad days and still making things happen.

Today will be the first day I really attempt to keep a schedule in the evening too. 

My daughter works before I get home and gets off after I go to bed so at least I don't have to worry about that tonight.

Ok, so I need to go but I will be back tomorrow and I'll let you know how things go tonight. I can't wait until Friday, my first paycheck!! Woot.

Have a great day guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rolling Around In My Head

 

Hello There,

How is everyone this morning? I hope you are well.

I'm good. My birthday was very chill, nothing like what I originally had planned. 

But that's OK. After jumping back into full time work, while fighting off a cold, I needed a chill day. 

As for today, there is so much. I haven't made a list, lol.

But I'd like to clean, get groceries, meal prep for the week, find my checks (I never use checks but I ordered some for paying rent) and who knows where the fuck I put them?

And then...yeah, it's basically get as much done as I can today and I'll make my list accordingly tonight. The goal, as ever, is to have my weekends open to work on Willow's Whimsy, to get everything ready for the upcoming week and to have some fun.

So I didn't go rollerskating this morning. 

But I do feel myself falling into the cluster f*ck thing in my head. What should I do first, bla bla bla. And so I put a load of laundry in, and I'm about to organize the kitchen. I'm not cleaning it yet because I have a ton of cooking to do. Might as well save the clean for after said cooking.

But yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just want to get stuff done. I'm still trying to figure out the whole how do I plan and act on said plan, for the week and for keeping on top of things.

As long as I can just keep up on the kitchen and then basic picking up during the week, I really don't have to clean every weekend.

I'm still rolling this all around in my head.

Anyways, I also want to start addressing my spending, living on a set budget for the next 8 weeks, well I mean the rest of my life but for now, just getting through this current job.

I will be doing job search again starting this week. I want to apply for something everyday. I think I mentioned that I have an interview Thursday. I'm going to have to do my hair and wear more makeup than normal that day, so my current boss is going to know something's up but I mean, I have to do this. I have to. There is simply no choice.

It's OK to take the emotions out of things in some cases. Sometimes, it's more important that we are realistic.

So yeah.

Alright, well, I'm off to have my day and it'll be what it ends up being but I at least want my food packed up and ready to go for tomorrow. My mornings were a little hectic last week and I'd like them not to be so in spite of any lists I write, etc. the two main goals for me in this coming week are to get my mornings in order, to exercise every evening, to pick up every evening and to come up with an evening schedule that works.

If I can get stuff together for the mornings, I may be able to blog in the AM, which as you know, is what I prefer but it may not be practical either. We shall see.

Ok, have a good day you guys. I really hope you do.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Engagement

 

Good Morning!

Ah, so I went and got my birthday coffee from Starbee's and I grabbed a donut from Dunkin. Chocolate creme filled, my favorite. I call it the poop donut because the chocolate cream comes of out this little hole in said donut.

I'm tired today.

It was a long week and I had intended to just spend most of the day getting caught up on everything that I wasn't able to do because of being sick and starting this job.

I know you know all this. 

But this whole balance thing...I'm just trying to stay open and maybe learn a new way of approaching it because I want my whole life to be different. Not just the financial stuff although that is first and foremost right now. It really is.

But just to make enough room for joy, for happiness, for love, for time spend just petting my cats or giving my daughter a footrub or for talking on the phone with a friend.

I have to let go of this super amped, what comes next mode.

I really do.

It literally just occurred to me that maybe one of the reasons I'm always so tired and is everything I do and the way I approach life...is exhausting.

Fuck exhausting.

What can I do to simplify my life? Where is it that I find my joy and maybe I should think about that. I don't know how much time I have left. Can it just be happy? Can I throw off anything that shackles me and just focus on joy? Yeah, I have to work and all that and that's fine. But one of the things that I think causes this whole quit and walk thing with me is the stress I put on myself to have a life after work. Yes, I want a life during non working hours but it's the way I approach it, there's this, "well, when this is done" mentality. And what I've found is that there is always something that needs to be done. Just always.

Maybe not. Maybe some nights I go on a walk and I call a friend and I have a little dessert and I watch an episode of something happy and I just...engage fully.

I just don't know. I have sadness around me today.

I don't know why but I'm accepting of it but also just trying to stay open.

Open, open, open.

I will be happy to be with my family tonight. I wish my Jersey fam could be here. I miss them. I wish my Aunt Cindy could be here. 

It's OK.

I better go because we have to leave in a half hour for dinner.

I hope you all have a wonderful eveing.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Genuine Like

 

Hi Guys,

Well. First week in the bag. It wasn't a bad week. I felt very good about the fact that I was not late one day, I was able to do everything she asked me to do.

When I say she, I of course, am talking about my boss. There's a whole story there. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely like her. We just all have a story. She's lovely. I don't know if she's happy. She doesn't act unhappy and she's not mean at all. The little empath who sticks her head out often came out to play today. I just sometimes know things about people, read deeper than what their words say.

I'm not saying anything bad about her. I feel a hurt coming from her. And it's deep. Even though she's tough.

I really shouldn't say anything about my boss at all. I have a feeling she will be in my life after this job. And at that point, she will know everything, she will know about my blog, my life, my dreams, she will know all of these things and the last thing I want is for her to read a blog where I say something that could potentially bother her.

And of course, I will never out her, name her, name the company I am temping for.

But an overwhelming sadness came over me today as I sat in her office and I realized it wasn't my sadness. I'm sad now, as I write this, because it is sad to feel sadness, even when it doesn't belong to me.

But you guys, I had a good week. I was left mostly to myself, given a point of direction and I ran with it. And I can't help but feel relieved that my instincts were right, that she was appreciative of all I did. That's just rare for me. It's so rare. It feels really good and I am so grateful.

Now. Guess what? I got an interview with the county. It's an admin job. I want it. Of course, you know, I was a little worried about this because I took this temp position. But they aren't even interviewing until next week, then there may be 2nd interviews, then they have to make a choice and then I think it likely that they would respect my wanting to give two weeks notice.

And you know what? Truth be told, I can get everything my current boss wants done, done early. I can do that.

So I really believe that were I to get this job, I could end the current one on a positive note.

So after I write this blog, I am going to go schedule the interview and then that will be that. The rest is up to my mom. Yeah, I said my mom. Cuz she's running my show from heaven. I know she is. She's with God. And she still loves me and y'all can patronize me and say, "OK Denise, that's great" but she is.

I will be a year older tomorrow. I will see my family and spend it with them. I am so happy. 

My brother in law, his bday is today. We had some texts, he will be unable to join us tomorrow night, which makes me sad but I understand why.

Next Friday, I will have to make arrangements for one of the cats as there are building inspections going on. We have one more cat than we are allowed to have.

I am at heart, and always will be, a rule breaker.

Life is so boring with rules...

They say they are made to be broken and so...who am I not to?

It's a cat. It's not like I'm out there robbing banks. Although...lol.

Alright well, I have much to do tonight. So let's get on that, shall we?

I hope you all have a great night.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Have Rice!! I Have Needles!! I Have Thread!!

 

Hi Hi,

Gotta go fast. I'm a lazy woman, guys. Been coming home and crashing. But I've also been sick. I'm turning the corner. 

A little discomfort in my ear still, a little bit of a cough and that's about it.

Yes!

And today is the last day of my first week back to work.

I did it.

I don't know how. And I also don't know how peeps do this on the reg.

Holy shit. I'm wiped the fuck out but it's good. I know there's money coming a week from today.

And about $$. We're good there too.

Like, rent is ready to go, other bills are ready to go. 

We're good.

And that's because another gift came and it was a gift I was expecting but not expecting and that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Other than that, thank you and thank you and this is...this whole experience has been different for me. And even though it was set off by a bad choice that I made, I have learned so much. 

But there's more to learn.

Did you know that there are heated ear muffs? I did not know that. Since maybe you didn't know, and now you do, let me tell you that they are a bit spendy.

Normally, I would justify them. I didn't do that. I thought well, yes, that would feel amazing but then I thought, "I have rice! I have needles and thread and scissors!!" Why is this significant? Well since I also have old pillowcases, I can cut them out, sew them together, fill them with rice and salts and stir in some essential oil for scent and I can heat and reheat and reheat those little puppies and make them to fit nicely over my ears and then all I have to do, is put a hat, of which I have plenty, or a set of regular ear muffs, of which I may or may not have, but I can get a pair at the dollar store if I have to, and wellah! Heated ear warmers.

Not only will I have what I want, I will have had fun making them and I know they will feel amazing. 

I will keep you posted. 

My point is...I'm really attempting mindfulness here and in talking myself off of cliffs.

I actually do know the difference between a need and a necessity and the only need I have right now, above my budget, is that I need an oil change. If I can VIOC, they'll send me a coupon and I can get it done same day.

So that is the only thing that was a need beyond the normal budget, so that's the only thing I'll be getting.

Ok, gotta go. I'll write tomorrow when I have time. It's my intention to blog at night but that's hit or miss.

I hope you all have had a good week, I hope for a peaceful Friday and an awesome weekend and I'll be back.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Crunchy and Dry

 

Hi Everyone,

And good evening.

I know I blogged this morning but...

I'm frustrated.

The company I am temping through is having all sorts of problems setting up my account with them. I'm supposed to be able to fill in my timecards on a day by day basis and they just can't seem to get it together. They keep saying they've sent me password resets but I'm not getting them. It's so annoying.

But I can't control it so I'm not being nasty and I am just trying to move on wit my bad self. 

Ugh.

Today, the sneezing really kicked in and high velocity snot and nose running and still ear pain, although it's more of a constant dull ache now as opposed to ice pick through the ear fucking stabbing pain every so often that I was experiencing.

Again, ugh!

You guys! I got this stuff from Peter Thomas Roth, it's that eye lift stuff? You put it on under your eyes and you can also put it along the sides and crease of the eye and it tightens all that shit up, they have a face one too but I have not tried that. Here's the thing...it does work and it holds the effect for roughly 8 hours but...of course but...everyone and everything I know has a big but...if you don't work it in enough, it leaves a pasty film on the areas you use it on. And it's hard to rub in fully, you gotta go fast. Bla Bla Bla...there was a white pasty film all over my shit this morning, unbeknownst to me. I did not notice it, I thought I had it covered because I had put on some tinted SPF this morning...but nooooo. I had to go to the bathroom and that's when I saw it, after I had a one on one with my boss. But our story does not end there, fair reader, oh no. I had heard my cat puking last night but was too tired to get up. 

You know what's coming don't you? Mmmm hmmmm. She puked on my fucking jeans and I didn't notice that either, until after the aforementioned one on one.

When you add that to my pasty complexion, due to being sick and the nasty cough I have...in fact, she said to me today, "that cough though" and I fucking lied my ass off and said, "oh, yeah, I get allergies in the winter...dust you know" because I wasn't gonna be hacking in her office and say, "yeah I've been down with the sickness since last week, didn't expect to get this job." 

Terrible. But I need this, you all know I need this.

Let's just forget about all that. Tonight, other than the dull ache in my right ear, I'm OK. I'm not zombie exhausted.

I took my sweet daughter on some errands and now I'm home and I have a motherfarting list and I'm gonna blow it out.

But I'm also going to just stop when it's time to stop. I need to do a few things now, rather than later because doing them too late will affect my sleep. You know, I've been having some dreams man. 

It's all new this dreaming thing. I mean, it never was new, I always had nutso dreams my whole life, until I didn't and I suppose that started around menopause, as did this no sleep for the wicked shit. Menopause. I don't like menopause. Honestly, I'd rather get my period than deal with the shit I've had to deal with since going through it.

Menopause, schmenopause, I hate menopause.

Menopause can eat me. 

It kindof is, if you think about it...it eats away at you until you are a shell of your former self, all crunchy and dry.

So far, I've been able to do everything my boss has asked of me, so much so that I'm thinking...wow, this job, while I'm happy to take what they're paying me, I'm thinking they could've offered less but they wanted someone good.

You all know what I want to say about that...someone good. How is that me? But I won't say that. I'm grateful. I'm grateful it's going ok.

I had plans for my birthday but I don't think anyone will want to be around me since I'm still sneezing and coughing.

I cancelled the massage I had scheduled.

Meh.

Gonna be a menopause kinda birthday it seems.

From now on, when something sucks, I'm calling it menopause. That way, everything that sucks in my life is because of menopause.

I won't get confused that way.

LOL.

Okie, well, there you have it. Yeah, I need to get moving on my list. Have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Lot of I Don’t Know

 Hi Everyone,

Ugh, I’m doing this on my phone. I’m at work but I’ve learned my lesson from the past. No personal online shit at work.

You guys. I do like this job. I’m still not 100% sure of what I’m supposed to be doing. But I did a lot of what I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing yesterday. I mean that in a positive way. Like I did a lot. 

For what they are paying me, I just want to make sure I’m making myself valuable.

I want to come out of this with a killer letter of reference.

I am struggling with the usual, namely staying on task but much of that has to do with this cold I’ve been dealing with. It’s a doozy.

I’ve been too tired to make the tea. So I’ve just been mainly resting when I get home. There has been little to no sleep the last two nights and I don’t need my Fitbit to tell me that.

Lots of dreams about Trump. 

Gross.

I got up last minute this morning which I hate doing. It means no meditation, no feeding the cats. They did have dry food so I didn’t feel too bad about that. 

I was too sick to make prepare food for the day so I’ll eat when I get home.

My daughter was able to find a ride home Monday night but not last night so I had to go get her. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. 

There is a lot that needs to happen in the next two days. Bill paying, all of that.

I do want to clean up the apartment. 

And I need to be doing job search.

As per the norm, I’ve got way too much going around in my head so on my lunch, I will meditate and make a list for tonight. 

And on that note, ima go.

Have a great day. 

Be blessed.

Love &Light,

Neecie

THE TEA

 

Good Morning,

How are all of you? I hope you are well.

This is my first "Monday" in a couple of months.

I am excited and nervous. I was so hoping I would be past this cold but it has morphed overnight. It has gone from a sore throat and light headedness to my chest and ears.

Luckily, since getting up and moving around, it's better. I took a Tylenol for the ear pain and I'll be drinking "THE TEA" in a moment. Right now, I'm working on my coffee.

I also take cold medicine, like for coughing. It's elderberry syrup with propolis. 

As I'm blogging, I have the chair massage thingee that my daughter got me, on. They say massage can help keep all the "gunk" you build up when you have a cold, loosened up. I will try anything. That's how the tea evolved over time and I really should've been drinking it since I got sick but I was lazy. Some of the ingredients, you can have before hand but it also requires fresh lemons, garlic and ginger. 

Anyways, I also took a bath in rosemary, eucalyptus and peppermint last night as that helps with breathing. I don't have time to take a bath every night so at some point, depending on how this progresses, I am going to make some steamer bombs. They are like a bathbomb but you set them down under the flow of water and they slowly dissapate and you breath all the stuff in. For these, I use the same mentioned above plus camphor.

If it was tomorrow, I'd already be leaving so I have locked it down to the following in the mornings; get up, pee, drink water, skincare, meditate, feed the cats, clean the boxes, get dressed, put on minimal makeup. The makeup thing is only because I want to look human and it makes me feel better to do it. But it's very simple. Tinted SPF, mascara, blush and lip gloss.

I won't be doing anything spectacular with my hair either. Just making sure it looks presentable which in reality involves dragging a brush through it.

My evenings will be much busier. Exercise of some sort, preparing food and water for the next day, cleaning one thing, making products as I move forward into that, journaling, showering, etc.

My biggest thing is to learn that if I can't do it all, it's OK. 9PM bedtime is non-negotiable. My daughter will be ubering to and from work most nights. I will help out on the weekends, although, for the most part, I want to try and stick to the 9PM bedtime so that my body knows what to expect and behaves accordingly.

I had a dream and this particular dream has been a recurring one, although in different formats, for years. I'll rent a place or move in to a place and as I investigate it, I find several other rooms. These rooms are almost always dingy and uncared for.

Rooms tend to represent hidden parts of ourselves and the condition of the rooms sortof tells you the meaning behind them. In my case, they represent parts of myself I try to repress or not look at and that makes sense doesn't it?

As I go into this new job, I am also trying to leave behind old habits; some physical, some emotional, some financial and it's scary but it'll be good.

I can do it.

Pumpkin is my lifeline in the mornings. That "little" cat, she is so huge. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I usually do is to go to the bathroom. She comes in and rubs against my legs and I pet her. Then she runs out to the dining room table and jumps up on it and waits for me to come into the dining room. Then we do a gentle headbutt and say hello to one another. Then I feed her, then she leaves me alone, lol. I got what I wanted from you lady, I'm good.

But it does help set a tone for the day.

Ok, well, I have laundry going. I have several things I need to do before leaving at 9AM. I want to be ready for this. And I want to be ready for this evening. I have a list but tonight is about seeing what I can fit in and still be able to get in bed by 8:30 and read til 9 so that my body knows it's time.

I will be blogging tomorrow night as opposed to in the morning. If I feel so inclined, I'll blog tonight just to let you know how it goes.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Racing Mind

 

Hi Guys,

So sorry for the lack of posts. y'girl been sick. Not down for the count sick but sick. I only slept for 2 and a half hours last night.

I start my job tomorrow. Oh, I haven't blogged about that. Yeah, I got a contract job making decent $$. 

Better than I've ever made, that's for sure.

There is so much to do today to prepare for tomorrow. I have to get my poop in a group.

Speaking of poop. I literally almost crapped m'pants this morning. I made it to the bathroom in time.

My daughter is sick too. She's at the end of it and I will just say this; while not thankful for this cold, I am thankful I didn't get hit as hard as her. She was puking and had a fever. I just have a bitch of a cold but again, it's not the worst cold I've ever had. I am going to power through as much as I can before I have to take her to work. 

Yes, I have to clean but I'm doing all the other stuff first, the priority stuff.

I'm trying to break certain habits and I let myself get tripped up on the cleaning stuff constantly.

No matter what, I can also clean a little each night after work.

Saturday is my birthday so I just want to make sure everything is done so I can have my day. Just have a nice day and no worries.

So my mind is racing because of all I have to do. I'm gonna meditate and then jump in.

After dropping my girl off, I am going to take a nap. But a timed one so I can get up and keep going. 

I don't have to be in until 10AM tomorrow so that gives me a little more sleep in time.

Man. Here we go.

My plan is to blog in the evenings now because I would so much rather go in and start at 7 and get off early enough to be able to get shit done in the evenings.

I think my boss will probably even let me skip lunch so that I can leave at 3. If not, it's OK. 3:30 still works well for me.

So I will blog tomorrow morning but then we'll switch to evenings.

I'm excited but nervous but I got this.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Lessons Learned

 

Hi Guys,

I am on limited time availability this morning. 

Maybe today is the day things start to change. I don't know. I mean, I've been working hard but I need the Universe to amp up it's beautiful care for me.

We shall see.

I have been realizing that there is so much that needs to change and I just wish my MA would hurry up and get approved as I need to get in and I need to get therapy so I can start working through my "stuff".

I'm ready.

I do know that I was declined for the part time position I applied for with Anoka County.

I didn't know it was part time going into it so that's...that's sad but it doesn't deter me.

My past is coming up to haunt me and I see now, I mean I see but I know it in my heart too, that my past is affecting my ability to be considered for work and it saddens me that it has taken this situation to get me to really assimilate all of this.

I am trying to see the sunny side, which is that I am seeing it at all. 

I am seeing how it has affected my loved ones, you know, I am seeing that I drove this train, not the bad employers, not the unfair employers, not the good ones either because the bottom line is that while yes, I have had some awful experiences with awful human beings, I have some jobs where there was no excuse whatsoever, no way of justifying any of my decisions or actions because I had amazing bosses, I had phenomenal support and encouragement.

There were two outstanding ones and a handful of really great ones; yeah, the rest of them sucked but at the end of the day, so did I.

Oh my God, remember Dr. Fartzalot? Not his real name...I lasted at that job for 2 days. He was NUTS. I've had some doozies and I hope to write about that one day, a whole book and every boss I've ever had. Because some of them...oh my God, you guys. But again, at the end of the day, I brought myself into all these situations as well. And if I do ever write about that, I will make sure to include that part of things in said book and use it as a reflection of what not to do. Tongue in cheek but also like...hey, I fucked up some opportunities, I cost employers money in having to train someone else. I hurt feelings and caused chaos.

Should I even be writing all this? The email I use for job search is a relatively new one and is not connected in anyway to this blog.

And of course, I use Neecie but I have to be careful who I tell about Willow's Whimsy. Well. No. I don't tell anyone I work for or with, about Willow's Whimsy because it's none of their business and that's one thing I have to get away from. WW needs to be a stand alone and be 100% separate from my day job.

That's another lesson learned.

So today, more job search. Today I have to clean up the kitchen because like I wrote recently, this apartment is so little, it literally blows up so fast and I had it all done, ya know, just two days ago and here we are.

My girl has been very, very sick. She's better today but still low grade fever with no energy.

And I finally got to see my friend Rose yesterday. She's over her Covid but because I've been exposed to whatever my daughter has so brought her her meds which she had asked me to pick up but with a mask and gloves on.

I have to cut this short. I may do a toofer today, we shall see.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grounded, Realistic & Grateful

 

Good Morning,

Ah, well, how are you? 

I hope you are well. It's still freezing in MN but the temps are going to just keep going up for the next 24 hours and we are in for two good days of higher temps, then plunging back down for 2 days and then going into the 20s, which is bearable.

I'm feeling good about how I've been spending my days this last week or so. I've been very productive. This morning, all I need to do is put away the clean dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen and dining room floors and I'm done with cleaning and now it'll just be trying to keep up with it.

But that's much better than trying to get on top of it.

I've applied for several jobs. You guys, I don't hear back on 99% of what I apply for. It's so disheartening. I think my age shows given the dates of employment but the thing is, I considered taking the dates out but everything I've read says not to do that, that it appears deceptive. I don't know what to do anymore.

I really want to give in to fear and beg for help, but that's me from before, that's the me that didn't want to get better, I just wanted out of the consequences for my choices. I want to learn this time, I want never to forget.

I have stopped spending money on anything other than food, gas and cigs. Cigs are at a half pack a day. That is torture. 

But Starbucks is a thing of the past it would seem. I'll get two coffees on my birthday, lol, because they will be free. 

But I haven't done to Starbee's in over a week. That doesn't sound like a lot, but we have to start somewhere, right? I can't justify the cost, it's indulgent, it makes no sense. Why am I not applying this to cigs? One thing at a time. I am hyper aware of it, but still half in denial. Please trust me that I am working towards it.

Everyday I get up and I go through my AM routine and I hit my list, much of which is job search. You know, I wish you could plead your case on cover letters, like be able to tell the fuckers that I'm dying, that I am an inch away from homelessness, the loss of my cats, where would my daughter go, you know all of it...com'on fuckers.

But I can't do that.

It's hard. I am NOT giving in to self-pity. I did this to myself. I know I say that in almost every post where I talk about this stuff. It's not to bash myself, it's to keep it real. 

Nothing will change if I brush this stuff under the carpet.

I'm learning how to be aware of myself and my thoughts and my patterns but from a place of observation and learning, not shame.

Debits and Credits.

There you go.

So on with it I suppose. I'm grateful for my morning and my evening routines right now, they help me immeasurably with keeping myself grounded, realistic and grateful.

Um, my daughter, my oldest girl, she had a procedure yesterday and came through it great. Her hubby let me know as soon as she was in recovery. And she Snapped me later. My Aunt had a procedure on her back two days ago and she said that it went well. So these things are now behind us and hopefully, these will clear up the different issues each of them has had.

I went with my daughter two days ago to visit with our former roomie. He's such a doll. He is starting to lose his voice but this man is amazing. Chemo I think everyday and radiation once a week, or maybe it's the other way around, actually yes, I think it's the other way around, and he's still working. Not as many hours but the same amount of days. He blows me away.

He is someone I can learn from.

Deep breath, cuz that just made me want to cry.

Alright, well, I need to get going. I have a day to live right? I have a job to look for, I have a kitchen and dining room floor to mop. I have lots to do.

Ok, well, be blessed. No matter what, be blessed. You are, I am, we all are.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Neurodivergence

 

Hi Everyone,

Phew. I'm in go mode. You know what makes me happy in the midst of all this chaos? I seem to be having more good, productive days than bad ones. 

Don't get me wrong. Last night, I struggled with sleep. I had to sleep in to get the needed amount and because it was so interrupted, I still felt tired and lethargic this morning. The good news is my daughter had refills, she doesn't use the stuff but she's the one with refills so yeah...it's ready and I'm gonna pick it up today.

I am wanting to really try and set a sleep schedule. I've been half-assing it for years but I am at a point where I want to do everything I can to maintain a healthy life. 

Anyways, last night, I cried a lot. I had to get out the ick because it was building back up. Guys, I need $2,200 by Feb. 1st in order to stay above ground.

I'm looking. I've even been applying at some shitty places with shitty pay...just anything, I'm trying to stay open.

This is the most scared I've ever been but I also know living in fear is fucking awful. It's an almost 100% guarantee I'll go down the dark hole of bullshit I haven't been down in a long, long time. I'm not thinking about it as an option, I'm not entertaining euphoric recall. But even so, the fact remains that I have patterns in my life that may or may not still be with me. I don't know. Because I haven't crossed that bridge. I stay away from that bridge by staying positive, by staying hopeful, by acting grateful for all I do have. But of course fear will come in. I'm on the brink of losing everything. That's not fatalistic, that's reality. That's a pretty fucking scary reality.

As of right now, I still have two applications with the county being considered. So that's good.

I don't care what any of you believe but please, stop right now and picture white light with the words, "She got the job" on them and send them right to me or to Anoka County. 

I am believing that anything and everything can help right now. 

I'm not sure if I told you all about Instacart and the fact that they want you to do 3 shops at a time. I can't do that. I know how my brain works and I will fuck that up completely. First, how do you separate the stuff? Or do you do one shop, bag it, do another shop, bag it, do the third shop, bag it and then deliver? That might be manageable but keep in mind you are on a time frame. I take longer than the average person because staying organized is extremely hard for me. I have a lot of background noise in my mind at any given time. 

I don't say these things to make excuses. People always want to give me suggestions and I take them seriously, I do, but I wish just once that someone, anyone, would acknowledge that these things are and have always been a struggle for me. There is something mental health wise, or I fucking hate this term because everybody and their brother uses it nowadays, neurodivergent, going on.

And you have to understand that the harder I try, the more I fuck shit up. This is not laziness, this is the wires in my brain not being hooked up like normal people. It's fucking real.

And I just keep trying. And I just keep failing. You have to understand that the failure I've literally experienced in every single job I've ever had? I always thought it was my addiction, because that was always the prevalent thing, but I'm coming to understand that there are some true things...learning disabilities, whatever, I only know for sure that I have ADHD, have affected me and it started during puberty. I was never hyper but attention? Yeah right. I fucking struggle.

Again, no excuses. I am trying to find another job, I will work another job, I will try and pray that I don't fuck it up too bad.

But that rant to tell you why Instacart got me all fucked up. Then I found out about a think called Spark and it's pickup and delivery only. Well. Here's the thing. It's a Walmart delivery only app. Ok, cool. Except that are no positions available where I live. The closest is Vadnais Heights, and because of time limits, I'd have to hang out in Vadnais Heights all day, hoping I get a delivery notice.  What do I do all day? I can't sit in my car because I can't afford gas. And how do I look for a job if I'm away from home all day, hoping a delivery notice comes up.

I may sound like I'm being a victim or that I'm saying things are hopeless. It's just frustrating and there is that victim mentality of, "why does everything that gives me a bit of hope, have to have some fucking bullshit attached to it."

But I'm still trying. I haven't given up. I won't.

Please. Send good energy. For those of you pray to whatever God/Gods/Goddesses, pray for my shit. Pray specifically that I get a job that pays what I need to make my budget and pray that I get it SOON, as in this week.

Thank you.

Rant over.

I am proud of myself. I lost my wallet. I'm not proud that I lost my wallet. I realized last night that I couldn't find it. This is where meditation has made a huge difference in my life. I did not freak out. I didn't cry, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't decide my daughter or my cats must've inadvertently done that shit (I used to do that, I'm serious), I just looked for it. I didn't find it last night. I didn't freak out. I checked all my balances and nothing has been used so there you go. I put it on my list of things to do today to look for it and I had almost checked all the places I thought it could be and was about to say, "Ok, I gotta make some calls and cancel some cards, etc." when I found it. It was in my hat and glove box that I keep in my pantry. I have no fucking idea how it got there but there it got and I found that fucker.

With no drama whatsoever.

Yay.

I could write more but I'm bored and I have job search to do.

I love you all.

I'm grateful for everyone in my life and everything that I have in this moment.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Radical Acceptance

 

Hello and Good Morning,

Well. Yesterday was...it wasn't good. I could barely get up off the couch. Right before I picked my daughter up from work last night, I got some things done and I made the mother of all lists for today. And I'm sticking to it.

I will never get anywhere with this on again, off again bullshit. 

I will say that yesterday's crash was in small part because I got in 4 hours of sleep. I ran out of the sleeping meds I take but I did manage to put almost 6.5 hours together last night. 

Yeah, I'm wearing my fitbit again. 

Giving up habits/addictions is so hard for me. I was thinking about it though. I did get rid of one that was so time consuming and that's the stupid game I played on my phone. It's been about 3 months so hey, that's progress.

I've already been up and at it this morning, jumping into all I want to accomplish. 

I ran over to my roommate's place this morning because I had called and texted yesterday with no response. I was worried. I called this morning as well because he generally doesn't work on Mondays. No answer but I also know that he has his chemo in the AM and he's an early bird. His car was in the garage but he wasn't there so at that point I texted his daughter and she assured me that all is well. He had inadvertently turned off his phone notifications but she got it all fixed for him. I'm gonna stop in and see him this morning after dropping my daughter off at work.

I am trying not to panic and trying to act as if. I am trying to have faith and hope and who knows if this manifesting stuff is bullshit or not but I thank the Universe every morning for our abundance and for winning the lottery. Hey, I would take that.

I'm trying to stay off my phone today other than keeping in touch with people. The California fires are just awful. It's not that I don't care, I do. It's just so sad and I pray that they get it under control soon and that no more lives, human or otherwise, are lost. 

But today has to be for gettin' 'er done.

My sister just texted me telling me about a dream she had. 

I am doing some of the DBT stuff on my own and today I'm working on radical acceptance, which means it truly is what it is. And just looking at everything, including my own shit and my impulses, etc. as non-emotionally as possible and telling myself when I'm bullshitting myself.

I went ice skating this weekend. It was so fun. I was with my son and his girl and it was just fun. I loved it. I want to go again but not today, way too cold.

Also, during the week, I don't think the rink by them opens to the public until 4:00PM.

Anyways, it was a good day.

Alright, well, I must go mop the kitchen floor, wash my face, etc.

Then on the next thing.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Make It So

 Good Morning,

You know, since not working, Saturday's just don't feel like Saturday's anymore. 

But I'm running with it.

I had a good, steady day yesterday. I applied for a few jobs, I cleaned a bit, I meal planned and grocery shopped.

Obviously, I blogged. I can't think of everything else right now but yeah...it was good.

The panic is wanting to set back in and immobilize me again but I'm not letting it.

Stay positive girlie.

I am going ice skating with my son and his girl this morning and then I'm gonna come back and finish cleaning, make myself something to eat. 

I am trying, without much success, to stay the hell off my phone, especially before bed time. I googled feel good books because I can't read hard, sad stuff right now. I was hoping half price books had some of them but they don't.

I only want to read before bedtime. I want that to be part of my bedtime ritual if that makes sense. Ha! "Studies show" that people who read before they go to sleep, as opposed to those who hang out on their phone or read on their phone, sleep better.

I am out of the stuff prescribed for sleep so I have to really dedicate myself to the things that can help. I'm trying to not even give it too much thought, or I'll stress myself out into no sleep again.

But for today, I really want to journal and read my DBT stuff. I also got a list of resources from my case manager for therapy. She's going to call Anoka County on Monday to push them to get my MA going. That'll make things much better. I think I am going to get the sleeping pill prescription as well and just use it on those nights I wake up and it's clear I can't get back to sleep without help.

So a chill day.

But yes, job search too. Not as much goes up on the weekends but some does so I want to be on top of that.

And of course, later, bougie bath.

I am trying to do the one day at a time thing.

I still struggle with all I want to get done in spite of the fact that job search should be my number one priority. 

Exercise, my head says.

No, job search.

Clean your apartment, my head says.

No, job search.

Journal, my head says.

No, job search.

Sit here and do nothing, my head says.

NO...no. Job search.

The struggle is real.

I am sensing that relief is in sight.

And the chance to really change things will come with that.

Make it so.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Aging Out

 Dahhhhhlings!!

My daughter is getting ready for work so I thought, "Ok, good time to get in a quickie post."

Yesterday was good. I got some things done before my sis came over. We ate, my daughter was off so we all just sortof talked. Then my sister and I went and saw The Last Showgirl with Pam Anderson. My sister couldn't decide if she was overacting in some parts or if she's just that excellent of an actor.

I have always loved her. She never seemed mean. She never seemed full of herself.

There was a line in the movie, towards the end that really stuck with my sister and it was just so...true. 

I won't give any spoilers, there's no huge climax at the end.

I thought it was a very good movie, I thought she did a great job. Jamie Lee Curtis was in it and she had me dying. That woman puts everything into a performance. She gives no fucks.

But it really rang true, the parts about aging out of certain things. What it's like to be young and not fully comprehend what happens to us physically and emotionally as we age.

I know it can be hard on men but I gotta tell ya, as per the norm, women have it worse. We just do. I'll either write about those things or do a video on them soon.

Today, I'm doing job search and doing some of the "meeting myself" stuff.

And I'm going to call Anoka County to see about my medical assistance app. I need to get the meds already and I need to get in for a checkup, etc.

There isn't to much to say.

Panic serves no purpose.

I will get a job, we will be OK. 

It's written in the stars, I know it is.

So there you have it.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Leroy

 

Ah, I can still say good morning!

God Morgon to all of you!!

Trying out my Swedish. Yeah, I used Google Translate, lol. 

I could not sleep last night. I think it was around 2 I finally fell asleep. I allowed myself the rabbit hole yesterday, well last night.

I also took a long ass nap during the day, which threw me off.

Then, this morning, weird ass dreams, which I remember snippets of and I have no idea how to even do a dream analysis of them, they were so weird.

Thankfully, they weren't disturbing. At least I remember that much.

We are almost out of the hydroxyzine I use for sleep but I'm thinking of trying something else anyways.

If I do, and it works, I'll let you in on it.

The last two days I struggled but managed to get some things done. Take your victories where you can, even the small ones. Don't focus on what didn't get done, be grateful for what you were able to get done. Manifest that shit Leroy.

I don't know who Leroy is, but it sounded good in the moment.

I have a list for today and I am going to see a movie with sister so I need to push my damn self. 

Yes, I know, fucking lists.

But without them, I am lost in a sea of turbulence, bouncing from one large wave to the next, sometimes treading water, sometimes starting to go under, sometimes being tossed about and on a much lower scale, just cresting on top of those waves.

I guess that's all I've got today.

I feel a bit better and I'll do all I can to get shit done both before and after the movie.

Have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Vampiric

 

Hi Everyone,

Sorry no blog yesterday. I'm trying to stay on top of everything but sometimes you have yourself to combat. Sometimes it's me against me.

I talked to my sister in the morning and her calling kept me from going down the rabbit hole of depression so I'm grateful for that. Sometimes, you need an intervention.

And so I was able to apply for 5 jobs, which is great. I felt better immediately, though the rest of the day was one struggle after another.

Just keep swimming, or as Reilli once said, "Just Swim"...she's got that tattooed on her and I love it.

Speaking of my youngest, so she got a new tattoo and she really liked the guy who gave it to her. He's 40, she's 24. She liked the guy but it was normal like, like, "cool dude", she wasn't into him or anything. 

Well apparently last night, morning actually, like 1:00AMish, he starts texting her and sending her all sorts of weird shit, in-a-fucking-ppropriate shit.

Like...wtf dude?

He told her while he was tatting her that he was trying to be sober so my guess is he was drinking but sorry, not sorry, you don't get to use drunkeness as an excuse for bad behavior.

So she had to block him, delete him from her stuff.

Sad.

You should be able to converse with someone and not have them take it "there."

Ugh.

I'm so glad all that is behind me. You know, I never did hear back from my first love after I told him that I'd be willing to see where things went but that I'd never leave MN because of how close I am to my kids.

He never said anything inappropriate but did start talking about falling in love and I was like....whoa there big guy.

I understand being lonely. I definitely understanding being in love with being in love. 

At the end of the day, I can write about how I'm damaged when it comes to that kind of thing but is it really damage when I don't care anymore, when I don't care to fix it, when I'm not leading anyone on or fucking with that kind of love at all?

I'm 100% OK with not ever pursuing anything along those lines again. Yes, I'd like to have a guy friend again, I really would.

But boundaries would have to be in place from the get go, like this is not, and will never be, anything romantic, sexual, flirtatious, etc. NEVER.WILL.BE.

I don't want to make this a rant about men but I swear, I wish they had an equivalent to menopause. I wish they became less sexual and more in line with where many women find themselves post-menopause.

It'd make things a lot easier. At my age, it just seems, to me at least, desperate and icky.

And in a complete 180, what's onboard for today? I have no idea.

Job search, cleaning, exercise, bla bla bla. SSDD.

What can I say? The weirdos are alive and well but I'm not giving in to them today. Just like they sometimes suck the energy right out of me, I'm reversing that today and I'll use their damn energy to the greater good.

The weirdos are not bad. They just are what they are. They are like the fey; they play dirty and think stupid stuff is funny and if you give them too much of yourself, they become sortof vampiric and it's up to me to use them instead of the other way around.

Ok, gotta go.

It's fucking 10AM already. 

No rest for the wicked. 

I'm off to live my day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie