Commitments and Effort

 

Good Morning!

I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this post. But I'm doing the anxiety thing where I just stand here and talk myself into feeling so overwhelmed, I can't do anything.

I spoke with my mom yesterday and told her everything I'm going through and she was really good about it. She listened. Honestly, most of the time, that's all I need. Oftentimes, advice, though well meant, puts even more confusion in my head. But she agreed with my sister in that I have to get on meds to at least address the depression piece. So I committed to calling where my daughter goes to see if they'll see me just for the shrink, not actual therapy, so I can get a prescription for meds.

So I just decided after writing that, to call. I called. They cannot get me in for about 6 to 7 weeks so she gave me the Anoka County Mental Health intake line number. Not only will they be able to help me with the immediate need, which is meds but they may be able to help me get insurance. I ended up having to leave a message but at least I did that. Commitment kept.

The whole applying for medical assistance is a shameful thing for me. It's shame that's keeping me from applying for it. But I am at a place where it's a fuck all with the shame thing. I just need the help.

If I don't hear back by 1:00PM, I will call them back.

I may be able to find something through them too, that will allow for DBT therapy. The thing is that with DBT, it's a group therapy thing and I have no problem with that but it will have to be in the evenings as I can't start a new job, telling them I have to time off weekly for a year because DBT is usually a year long commitment.

But I'm willing and I have now made an effort so that's something.

And as for today, it's just gonna be more of that; effort. 

And the next effort is job search so I'm going to go do that.

I have a long way to go before I have enough for rent and I literally only have days to make that happen.

Please keep me in your thoughts. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Slinging My Way Out

 

Good Morning,

Here I am blogging. I found my video camera last night but it's a new one I haven't used before, I bought it like a year ago. And in the move, I seem to have lost the instruction manual. I'll figure it out but I did need to get a charger port for the battery. Luckily, it didn't cost much.

And hopefully, at that point, I'll be able to connect the videos with the blog.

I'm doing better than I was.

Nothing miraculous has happened. 

Yesterday was very good and very productive. I'm hoping today will be the same. No naps, slowly my sleep is getting better, at least that's been the norm for a few nights.

I've decided that while I'm not working, it's fine to sleep more if I don't get what I need. This is hard for me, because one of my lies I tell myself is that if I get up late, the day is shot, but I'm pushing through that.

Yes, I am making lists.

But I'm being gentle on myself and if I don't make it, I don't make it.

I'm trying to slowly break out of patterns; first I see the pattern, I go over in my head how this plays out in my life, then I change the rules I have created behind it. I do this because I need to get it into my whole being that few things in this world are black and white, this world has all the colors in between those two things.

Yesterday, I attacked everything on the list so the list for today includes many of the same things but they are not so overwhelming.

Lots of job search, that's the big priority, as it should be but I find I cannot just sit in front of the computer for hours at a time. So I apply for one job, maybe two. Then I moved on to something else. Then I came back to job search; maybe I applied for one job. Then moved on. The apartment is cleaner, my laundry is done, some of my products are wrapped and labeled.

Honestly, today is more of the same. I'm trying to add some exercise in. Yoga and a walk.

The weather has been hard on my heart and soul. It's been drab, dreary and damp. No snow. In the fucking 40s. This warming shit fucks with me but I'm trying to just walk through it, literally...walk through it. 

Last night, I started in on my DBT workbook again. 

I'm working on this whole meeting myself thing. I hope to journal too. Looking at myself is not a bash on Denise session, it's learning and it's being really honest with myself because so much needs to be addressed and noted and some things need to be changed. 

Things like learning somehow to live in reality, to somehow find acceptance and beauty in reality, to stop lying to myself. 

It's OK to have dreams but let's just do it right, please, just fucking once in my life, please.

So that's where I'm at. I'm not joyous and free but I'm not slinging my way out of a shitshow either.

I hope that all of you are doing well.

I hope that all of you have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wakeup Call

 

Hi Everyone,

Merry Christmas.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but I do what I do.

Today was horrible. The last couple days have been horrible, other than a conversation with my bestie that took me out of this depression for a time.

I went and got some smokes today but they were out of the kind I smoke so I got some other ones. I sat around the apartment and cried all day, I ate stupid stuff I don't like, I'm sick. 

I went to pick my daughter up from work and I took out one of the smokes that are not the kind I smoke and I threw the rest of the pack out the window.

I'm giving myself a fucking intervention. I'm giving myself a wakeup call.

I'm done.

I'm done being depressed. I'm done being scared. I'm done sabotaging my own efforts. I'm done.

And while I am not done with this blog, I am done with it being the way it is.

This blog is going to be informational. I will share personal things but only in regards to whatever topic I'm talking about.

It's going to be a supplement to whatever my YouTube channel ends up being. I'd rather do YouTube than this blog.

I reach more people that way even if my views are low.

I can't take this anymore, this shit is getting way to dark and I cannot deal with the hopelessness, the repetitive games I play with myself.

I know I have mental health issues and that they affect me but this...this is the worst it's ever been and I'm sure it's in no small part due to the fact that in the past, when this hits, it only ends by me having a bender on my DOC. 

I'm not doing that. I don't have that in me.

So I guess this time, I gotta get myself out of it.

Fuck.This.Shit.

I will be back but not until my YouTube channel is up and running.

Please bear with me.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Self-Acceptance

 

Good Morning!

Man, my body is not wanting to go to sleep early. It's been 11 or 12. The midnight hour so to speak.

But I feel ok today. I slept til 8. Who knows what that means in terms of actual sleep.

I do have a list, more or less. Because there is a lot to get done.

And I'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday. So many.

Fingers crossed.

I also went and saw my former roommate. He called to tell me Santa had stopped by so my daughter and I went over there on our way to bring her to work. We had enough time to sit down and visit with him. He'll be starting chemo and radiation soon.

It's scary but he does have a very good prognosis.

It was good to see him.

He's such a kind, funny, generous human being.

And yeah, it was mostly job search.

I want the house cleaned today. I have a project to work on. I am going to wrap my products and get them up on FB. It's late and I know that but any $$ I can bring in right now is a good, good thing.

I had to let go of the worry about rent because everytime I thought about it, I could feel that cortisol drop in my gut and that's just not healthy.

It'll be what it'll be.

I really don't know what else to say.

The depression is not better but I'm trying to push through because I don't have any time to fuck around with it.

Yeah, so cleaning, project and products.

If I have time, I'd like to do ritual as it's the Solstice today. Ritual for this sabbat include focusing on what we want to bring to our lives as the sun returns. The new God has been born and with him, he brings the light.

And grocery shop and there you have it.

So let's get this party started. I am trying to focus on self-acceptance, which is a bit different than self-esteem. Self acceptance means you face yourself, or meet yourself, as I have been writing about and you accept it all, the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.

It doesn't mean there's no room for growth or change but how can you even know what needs to change if you don't meet yourself. It's not meant to attach shame or self-loathing too. It's just self-acceptance.

Nothing up to this very moment can be changed. 

In the Big Book of AA, it talks about acceptance and this is what it says.

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

This is one of my favorite quotes. Many middle eastern guru's speak on this too, this concept of acceptance. 

It doesn't mean passively accepting negative situations, but rather acknowledging them without resistance and focusing on what can be changed within oneself. 

Acceptance doesn't mean we have to like it, we just accept that it is what it is and you know, I have found when I do that, when I shake all that other bullshit off, in any situation, literally, and I accept it, I am better able to see the solution, the way forward. How can I know what to change if I deny the reality? It's more like an accounting. Debits and credits and how do I work on those debits so that more of the credits come through? More abundance and happiness come through?

And it's like that in the way we view ourselves because I am jury, judge and executioner when it comes to my view of myself. And that's fucked up. There are so many good things about me. But I forget them.

I'm not happy with many of the conclusions I have come to about myself but I can see now that there is hope for change and growth. I'm still north of the earth and every day is a chance to make these changes.

And once again, the why doesn't matter for me. I chased the why well into my 40s and I have given up on the why. Who fucking cares why. The fact is, here we are. What are we gonna do about it?

And I think that may be part of my ritual tonight.

Alright, well loves, I'm out. I hope you have a good day.

If it's sunny, go out and walk in that shit, even if it's cold. 

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Badger

 

Hi Everyone,

I'm really just blogging for the hell of it today. Usually when I say I don't have that much to write about, it ends up being a long post.

We'll see what unfolds.

So yesterday, I only applied for one job. That fucker took two hours. Part of it was that I had updated my resume the day before yesterday but I realized that I only updated it on Indeed, not the actual resume. I did this thing where you can get your resume evaluated and no surprise but it mentioned gaps in employment as being a bad thing in my resume. So. It said to create a entry, just like prior experience and use it to explain the gaps, so I did two of those.

I don't know if it'll help or not. Anyways, yeah, it took forever. I've bitched about applications before, but seriously, let people just submit their resume first, and if you are interested in them, then have them fill out an app. 

It would save job seekers so much time.

I did get an email saying the app was received but the job is open until Jan. 12 so I don't expect to hear this week, or even next.

I'm trying to do a balance of high paying jobs like the one I applied for yesterday, along with ones that are hiring now. That way, if I get into a job, and then I hate it, and the Gods favor me with a positive response from one of the high paying, really good jobs, then I can follow through with interviewing and that whole process.

Today, I am going to try and apply only for the "now" jobs. I don't have hours to fill this shit out. If there is a really good one, then I'll suck it up and do it but for now, I'm just trying to get a fucking job.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm not surprised for a couple reasons; one is that it's the solstice at 3:21AM tonight.

I forgot. I always sleep like shit regardless of anything else on the pagan holidays and on the full moon.

The sun is shining today though and that makes a huge difference.

Life just feels a little "lighter" no pun intended.

Anyways, per the norm, there is much to do.

I had another dream. This shit is nuts. I won't bore you with the details but this one I had to look up because I had no clue and basically, almost all of the symbolism pointed to messages or gossip, either for or about me, and that I should not share everything about myself openly. So I will heed that message for now. There was a badger at the end who was attacking a parrot and the badger signifies persistence and victory.

Ok, keep my mouth shut and I shall overcome.

Got it.

Just to let you know that one of my recent victories has been the one cup of coffee thing. It's fucking hard but I've been sticking to it all week. Today is day 4 I think. 4 for sure but maybe 5. I haven't gone to Starbee's once.

Anyways, celebrate the victories where they are.

Yay!

Alright, well, have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rage Without Boundaries

Hi Guys,

Well. I am feeling much better today. Better than in awhile. But I am trying to still maintain this stillness of mind, this purposefulness, you know, not get this crazy energy that ends up zapping me for days. No power. I feel better. I'm grateful for that. I am assuming I'll get some things done today. Here's what I got done yesterday.

1.  Applied for one job
2. Went to bank
3. Facial, bougie bath and washed hair
4. Went out to dinner/lunch with my daughter (she paid)
5. Filled out another application and sent it in
6. Cleaned kitchen: Washed dishes, wiped down counters, sink and appliances, wiped down garbage can, took out garbage, swept and mopped (my daughter actually swept)
7. Ran to store
8. Vacuumed dining room rug and mopped dining room
9. Cleaned up my resume
10. Wrote out my AM and PM routine (just for waking up and for the last hour or so before bed)
11. Put the lights on the tree and put a couple ornaments up
12. Watched Frosty the snowman with my daughter; we made popcorn and we ate the free pie we got at lunch.

The reason I shared all that is that those lists I used to post? Yeah, they didn't work but I want to share what I accomplished because it's that, that I need to put focus on.

I do have some ideas of what today will entail but I will share that later. 

I'm not sure exactly how much sleep I got last night but I can say this. I went to bed early because I didn't allow myself to take a nap yesterday. It was around 7:44. Now. I did wake up several times but went back to sleep up until 4AM, I was up for about an hour and then fell back to sleep and got up at around 8:00AM. So I can say for sure that I got 10 hours in.

I'm not questioning this. This is good and I feel good. This is today. Not gonna worry about tomorrow. 

I will say I had another dream. I don't know if Mom was in it or not but I feel like she was. What I do remember is that it was Thanksgiving. We had just moved into a shitty new apartment but everything I had was new, just like this place. My kids were all teenagers, but my daughter was still married to her husband in waking life.

I was running around in a white nightgown, getting ready when I noticed that someone had spilled something or barfed on my new couch. It was a huge pool of green liquid.

I was furious! Enraged! And as I started bitching, I saw that someone had spilled something in the kitchen too and it had splattered all over the newly painted walls.

My rage knew no boundaries.

I started screaming and I told the kids I was going on a walk and that by the time I returned, it had better be cleaned up or there would be no Thanksgiving.

But then I realized as I walked out of the apartment, that there was no Turkey and I thought maybe my sister was supposed to bring it because she had something about letting the turkey thaw in her fridge. But even if she was supposed to be bring the turkey, it was too late to cook it.

I stormed out of the apartment building and that's where I think mom came in. I think I called someone and I'm pretty sure it was her?

I'm not sure how this dream ended. 

Weird.

But I do think it's a good thing that I'm having dreams. I went from always dreaming to never dreaming and the never dreaming coincided with the beginning of the insomnia problems.

"Even Katydids are supposed, by some, to dream."

To me, it signifies healthier sleep.

I woke up at 4 like I stated and looked out the window and saw the snow coming down. Then, when I got up, I saw the beautiful, white, blanket of snow on the ground. We finally got a real snow. Barring a warm up, we should have a White Christmas this year. 

Another thing to be grateful for.

I'm grateful too, that my daughter helped me yesterday. She swept and she also vacuumed the living room.

It's starting to look organized again.

One thing we did talk about, is our lease. Who knows if we'll make rent or not, so this plan may be moot but we can't stay here beyond our current lease. It's too small. I am trying to focus on gratitude and I am grateful. I am grateful that we landed here for now. We both agreed that having our own space is amazing. But it's almost impossible to keep such a small space without clutter, it gets out of hand very easily.

So come June 1st, we will be looking for a new place to land. I have no plans on where or what that'll look like yet. I don't need to start thinking about that now but we will be leaving. I just hope I can afford to pay movers this time.

Ha!

Have a lovely day. Stay warm and cozy.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie😜😜😜😜😜

My Center, My Calm, My Person

 

Hey Everyone,

Wow. Well, not such a great day yesterday. I was so tired and part of it is, yeah, not enough sleep but also just this depression. It really wipes you out.

I had a dream this morning. Mom came.

We, in the dream we was myself, my daughters, my daughter's husband and mom, were at a hotel in Duluth. Actually, it was a motel. It was ugly and run down. The car was parked right outside. We were close to the lake though you couldn't see it from the motel. 

A storm came up out of nowhere and there were these waves. I could see them, they were huge and I kept yelling at my daughter to get inside. She finally did, just before the first wave hit. We could hear the wind blowing, see lightning, hear thunder.

And I went into my daughter's room and out of the window, I saw this massive tidal wave. It shut out the sky, it was all wave. And it hit. But the window didn't break. Some water did start coming in through the sides and bottom of the door.

We were all upset but at the same time, we weren't panicking.

There was loud knocking at the door and we let this couple in. They had been in their car, trying to ride out the storm. She had been pregnant and the stress caused her to go into labor and have the baby. The baby was perfectly formed but so tiny it could fit in my hand.

It was alive at first but then it died.

The waters receded and it was sunny out. I went out and looked at my car and it was totaled. Sides off the doors, windows blown out, glass everywhere.

I already know everything the dream signifies;

The tsunami/tidal wave represents how overwhelmed I feel. The baby is loss of my dream, namely Willow's Whimsy and all the other things I've wanted to do with my life. The car is loss of transportation, I have no way to get where I want to be. And mom? Mom was always my center, my calm, my person. Her being there showed me that I still have a center. I need to meet myself there. I wrote about meeting myself yesterday. She is still there, she is still with me but now...I have to take on that role for myself in this life.

She is with me.

Her being there let me know she's still here, she's still with me.

And I feel like seeing her, that's my way out. I do understand that I am not my mental health diagnosis, I understand that I am also not my depression.

It's true that I can't get on meds just yet but I will. Meds however, are there to take the edge off, to help make things feel not so big. Meds will not miraculously change anything. I still have to do the work.

I still believe that happiness is a choice. I know that chemical imbalances are not a choice but there are things I will need to do regardless of being on meds or not.

So instead of lists, I have goals around what I want to do today. What I mean by that, is just do a little of everything, even if it feels like chaos. I have to learn to not create chaos but I also have to learn to deal with it when it shows up. Like mom, I can be my center. I can be calm, I can find happiness in it. Not acceptance in the sense that I allow it to continue but by chipping away at it, I will eventually surround the chaos as opposed to it surrounding me.

Job search, cleaning, reading my dbt workbook, exercising, these are all things I'd like to tackle today but I can do it in any order I want to.

And...and...I am going to make a morning and an evening schedule for myself. Because I will get a job and I will need some discipline in getting ready on time. I also will need a nighttime routine because I haven't had one at all and it's been incredibly difficult. My body needs to know that I am now beginning the process of going to bed.

Of all the things I struggle with, I need to make that one a priority because lack of sleep, more than anything, fucks me completely up.

That and job search are the two biggies.

I have more to say but am growing impatient and fidgety. Time to move om to something else.

I wish you a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Meeting Myself

 

Good Morning,

I don't feel like writing a long blog. I'm not up to it.

Yesterday, I stuck to the only one cup of coffee. And I kept my fitbit off. I had cigs left but not many and I forced myself to take it slow with them so they lasted until last evening.

By that time, I was a mess.

I managed to go out to pick up my friend from the airport but I was so exhausted by the time I got home, and I still had to drop my daughter at work. I got back from that and crashed. 

I was exhausted. Any time I give up one of my habits, it hits me like a ton of bricks. The tears. It's really dramatic and really ridiculous but it's also very real to me while I'm going through it.

I did buy a pack of cigs. I'd like to only smoke 8 more today. If I give in, it can't be smoking the way I have been. It's killing me. My health and my wallet.

And not knowing my steps is too hard so I think what I'll do for now, is take the fitbit off at night. I think that's really important. I think I don't need to know my sleep stats.

Once I am up and functional again, and know what 8 to 10K steps really looks like, then I'll get rid of it for good.

It's too hard otherwise.

I do know I woke up at 2:22AM last night and I was up until almost 6AM and then it was in and out until 8.

And the thoughts...and the fear and the anxiety.

It's not good.

So other than looking for a job and working on a Christmas gift for my family, I am going to try and stay off of social media and my phone and the computer. 

I think I need to meet myself and sit in where I'm at. I think I need to be honest with myself about things and just...try and start healing myself but with eyes wide open...and with care so that I don't fall into shame, remorse, regret and self-bashing.

So.

No list today.

No plans for today, other than to try and stay away from social media and the news and the bullshit.

Ok, please have a good day.

I will be back. I was going to take a break from blogging too but I think it's probably a good way to let people know I'm OK.

I'm feeling very anti-social right now.

So.

Yeah.

Good Day, that's where I was.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neeci

Loud, Loud World

 

Good Morning,

It's been a slow one, slow to get moving and all that.

I have so many things on my mind. Probably too many things on my mind.

Anyone reading this probably already knows that I cancelled my show. It had to do with a lot of things. For the amount of people that were coming over, I was mortified at the small amount of products I had available and that not everything in the lines were made. I was not able to do lotion, body butters and oils. I was not able to do the sugar scrubs.

I was embarrassed.

And overwhelmed.

And depressed.

And sick of myself.

But I learned a lot and something happened in the process, the day before yesterday, that was unexpected. I realized that I have been going about this in the wrong way for years. I've constantly set myself up for failure and I do that in all aspects of my life, let's face it. And as better as I have gotten in some respects, I am still so fucking good at being in denial about things, justifying them and making excuses.

I want to go to big first of all. I wait until the last minute. I don't research, I don't experiment...bla bla bla.

How many times have I written in blogs that I want to get from A to Z without doing B through Y? How many times?

I am an instant gratification girl.

Life very rarely works that way.

And I am in my head about way to many things. The world is so fucking loud and so at odds with itself.

How did we get here?

All I can do is take care of myself in this.

So I took my fucking fitbit off yesterday and I'm not putting it back on. If my goal is 8,000 steps, I know that it takes me about 10 minutes of walking/dancing, etc. to get to 1000. So having roughly 40 minutes of physical activity a day is a goal. It doesn't have to be hard core working out. It can be a walk or I can dance to music.

I don't need to know that my resting heart rate has gone way up, I don't need to know that I got in a sucky 3 hours of sleep and that most of it wasn't deep sleep or REM. I don't need to know any of that. 

I talk about working and how it makes me feel like a slave but I'm a slave to a lot of other things, amongst them are:

• The details of my Fitbit
• Smoking
• Drinking coffee
• Buying "things"
• My lists
• Food/diet plan/weight loss
• Scrolling through my phone

There's more but let me start there. If there's anything else I need to look at, at some point, it will reveal itself to me.

We just covered the Fitbit shit. I took the fucker off. As soon as I get insurance, I am going to go in for a physical. If my B/P is still high at that point, I will address it.

Smoking. Oh my God. This one has become a loaded gun and it's not because of the cost although that factors in. It's because of the shame. I can't smoke on my deck here. I have to go out to my car and because of the way I am, I am embarrassed about it. I feel like the whole complex is watching me and thinking, "my god, she smokes too much." And in addition to that, I smell so bad now because I'm confined to my car. I hate it. I hate  it. There is so much shame in this for me.

The smoking has to go. I think the best way for me is to go cold turkey. I cannot do the taper. I do not have a taper valve in me. I am either in active addiction to something or I am not. I have to quit.

There's a saying that if you want to have self-esteem, then do esteemable things. Smoking is not an esteemable thing for me and I can't get past the shame of it. I don't need it to live, like I do with food. It can go.

Coffee. I am the same way with coffee that I am with smoking. There is no limit for me, there is no one cup a day. If it's in the house, I'll drink it the way I used to drink beer. When I sleep so shitty, and it affects me the way it does, I can't be drinking caffeine. The only thing I can think of that could potentially work is to get a Kuerig, even though I hate the way the coffee tastes. But that's another expense and those pods that they use? You want to talk major fucking pollution? Major fucking waste? Our planet, while not in her death throes, is not doing so well. She's fighting back. I don't know that I want to piss her off more.

So I think that the coffee has to go. I did read this morning that abrubt cessation of coffee can however, fuck up a lot of things. I'm already depressed and I already struggle with sleep. I can't afford even less than I'm already getting so for this week, I am only having one cup. I don't have it in the house, I'm paying for it. I got a medium, not a large. It's the only one I'll have each day and on Saturday, I'll go down to a small. One week and then no more. It'll be a constant state of withdrawal but it won't be abrupt. So I have a plan for the coffee.

Buying things, man, I have to figure that one out. It's simple, right? Don't buy things. You would honestly have to go inside my head to understand why this is so hard for me but I do have skills that I learned from my DBT therapy that can at least help and I have applied them and at times they have helped me determine whether something is a Pierre purchase. Don't ask. Just trust the process here. It's actually called something else but I changed it for purposes of this blog. A Pierre purchase is something I think I want or need or will use or must have but it actually serves no purpose whatsoever, or I already have plenty of that kind of thing. Pierre purchases run deep with me.

So it's just looking at that, starting to question everything I want to buy and assigning it as a genuine need or something I really wanted but saved for, or if it's a Pierre purchase. I have already begun this process but it's been half assed. Time to go full on ham, or full tilt boogie...whatever, you get the point. For this one, I am going to take my DBT workbook out and start working on the skills again. 

The great thing about that is that it will spill over into other parts of my life.

My lists. I beat myself up so fucking bad with this one. You all know that, I write about it a lot.

I don't think that having lists is a bad thing; I don't. But I have got to be willing to do the whole thing. The end goal list and the breakdown list and the daily task list.

Because my lists are making me fucking crazy and oftentimes there is little resolution or completion of jack shit.

So what I'm gonna do here is use the internet in a positive way and look up how to set goals, have to have plans, how to break it down and make it manageable. This is another one that I am all or nothing with.

So I commit to that.

I'm getting sick of writing but I'm forcing myself to finish this blog before going on to something else because I get bored and start looking for distractions. I'm trying to fight that too.

I obsess about food, about the right diet and about exercise; I make elaborate meal plans, I have rigid exercise goals. Fuck it. The bottom line is that it comes down to calories in/calories out and I can work with that. I can have days where I eat a bit healthier and days where I allow things that aren't as healthy but it comes down to calories in/calories out. As far as exercising, that is a part of CI/CO but it's also about building strength, endurance, keeping my body fit. Exercise helps with heart shit, blood pressure shit, depression, you name it. It doesn't have to be this regimented insanity though.  I need to let go.

Internet. Ok, I think we could ALL use this one. Stop the fucking scrolling. You wanna talk slavery and maybe it's not politically correct to use that term. I in no way, trying to compare the confines of my mind to actual/physical slavery. I do mean to dismiss or to minimize that. It's the only analogy I can use that makes sense to me. I got rid of all my streaming services. I will allow myself FB in the morning and FB maybe for a quick check in the evening. I am going to remove notifications from all my social media and cancel all texts from I get from businesses about sales, etc. I will check my emails once a day, on my computer, not my phone. I have no games on my phone. The only service I still have is Spotify and I can't live without that one. I am going to be listening to music again, a lot.

So...speaking of lists. What of today? 

I am going to some cleaning, no expectations, just some cleaning.

I am going to do some job search, no goal today, just look and if there's something that fits, I'll apply for it

I am going to pick my friend up from the airport.

I am going to go grocery shopping - actually go, not order and pick up. As much as people freak me out, I gotta engage.

That's it for today.

Whew, we got through all that. I only left my chair twice, once to get a drink of water and once to poop.

So that's an accomplishment.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Forests and Fairies

 

Hi Everyone,

I've been up since 4, trying so hard to get things ready. I forgot to get bags to put people's purchases in so I have to go do that at some point before. 

I'm so stressed out. I wish I could say I was excited but I'm not. There is so much more I could've made. While the products are excellent, the rest is half ass.

I'm not going to lie, I'm beginning to really think I just don't have what it takes to do anything right, to apply myself and follow through. It's always been like this. Always.

And this depression...oh my God. It's freaking awful.

The things I think about, the losses of late, quitting yet another job, all of it put together. And why, why the fuck, do I keep ending up in jobs where things either change or where the company fucking sucks and treats their people like shit. Can I just have a job that is good enough for me to bear it? Suck it up, right? Yeah, whatever. 

I have tried. It's not me. And it's not a matter of hanging in there. I don't have that feature. When I try, my life falls apart in other areas.

Wow. Fucking Debbie Downer post. I'm sorry.

So right now, I'm cleaning the kitchen. I just want my place to look somewhat presentable. Then I have to vacuum, wrap and label products, run to the store to get bags and all that happy crappy. I'm just feeling sick right now.

I'd cancel this fucker but I need the money. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent otherwise.

I know I did this to myself, I get that.

This is not self-pity. This is on me and it's more like why am I the way I am? Why wasn't I born normal and accepting of my life and what's necessary to live comfortably?

I just don't know anymore and I feel helpless.

I try to keep it positive on this blog, I don't often write about how bad it really is, but it's bad. It's really, really bad. I want to be a beacon of hope for people, I want to show people you can get through these things but this last job? The way I was treated? The way I saw the residents getting treated like shit? It kicked my ass.

And it sent me spiraling.

I have to go. I have to get this shit done.

I wish you a good day.

I do, I really do.

I hope that I can get my head on straight in the days to come. I hope this sale goes fast because I really don't even want to do it.

I want to throw in the towel and run away. I don't know where I'd go. I mean, is there a nice forest I could hunker down in for awhile? Live in a tree and try to spot the fairies?

I don't know if I ever told anyone this story, it's not a story, it happened, but when I was about 4, I remember my mother (my bio mom) getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I went with her and she was sitting on the toilet and there were all these silver lights around her. I told her and I asked her if she could see them and she lied to me and I knew even then she was lying. She sounded confused and she said, "Oh, yes, I see them." But I knew she didn't.

I don't know why that came back to me or why I've fixated on it...but it's a fairy thing, you all know I believe that shit.

I can't stop thinking about it.

So I want to go into the forest and see if I can find them. LOL. I do.

Just has to be a forest without spiders cuz I'm scared of spiders, especially the big kind that live in the forest.

I have always lived in my head, in a fantasy. I do not like reality at all. I think half of my soul got fucked up in my coming here, I think half of it got left behind and the part that's here has always been looking for the other part. That's the only explanation I can think of as to why I am the way I am. Half of me got left behind and I won't get it back until I'm out of here.

The only time I've ever felt like I belonged here, is when I do mushrooms. It's the only time. I don't do them for the trip or for fun, I do them to learn and to experience and to feel and to let all the things stored up come out. I feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to me but I have no clue where to get any now and it's only been about 4 years that I've been doing them. And it's not all the time, it's been about 4 times but I'm due.

Anyone who says that they are bad or that they don't have healing value is so wrong. They have kept me going, they have helped me see things more clearly and they have cleared some of the cobwebs.

For me, they are therapeutic.

Ok, well I got that off my chest. Let's get back to it, shall we?

I'll be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Big Pushes

 

Hi Guys,

Wow, fucking brutal night. I just could not sleep and I tried desperately to sleep in but that just got me more tired and frustrated.

I'm really sad. Trying to push through that is hard.

The death of someone oftentimes brings other memories, other losses up to the surface. It's been a rough 16 or so hours. 

I have so much to do. 

And even though I know I won't sleep for shit tonight, I want to try.

I want everything done so all I have to do is get myself ready for the party/sale. 

As I've been making products, I have had some realizations about how this has to go. Not this particular sale but this business.

Lots of things. I need to write it all down.

One thing is that I really need to write out the recipes and print them and make a recipe book. Another is that I need to make one thing an evening once I start working so that there's not this big push at the end. The way this one played out has everything to do with the depression I've been trying to pull myself out of.

The list of things to do feels endless and has for years but I make it worse by burying my head in the sand. 

A little every day will get everything done. 

And I have to be consistent with this business or it goes out of people's heads.

I don't know...just so much.

So fucking much and it all rolls around my head in a constant litany of "it's too much, you can't do this, you can't do shit, you aren't shit."

Christmas and all of it's expectations makes it hard too.

I just want to thrive. I'm sick of surviving.

I don't know. I'm very overwhelmed. I'm tired from crying my eyes out, they are swollen and they hurt. It's a lot.

I'm going to drop my daughter at work and go to Walmart for a few things I need to finish up.

Once I'm finished up, I then need to go back out to get bags to put people's purchases in and I need to start wrapping and labeling right away so I'll know if I need anything else.

Then it'll be go out to get whatever is still needed.

Then it's clean the house.

I'm very good at taking breaks and there's no time for that shit today.

I got this.

Ok, well, I'm off. If all goes according to plan, I will have time to blog tomorrow morning.

Fingers crossed.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Heart

 

Hi All,

I am back. It's a toofer day. My heart is broken. 

That is actually not what I was going to write about but I just got word that my son's precious dog, Trout, has left us for another journey. I'm just beside myself. I can't call my son, I'm sobbing. He doesn't need that right now but I did text him. 

My heart is breaking for all the reasons.

I have to ask myself why we even open our hearts when these sweet beings stay with us for such a short time. It hurts. It hurts so much when they leave us.

My son and his girlfriend, they are such good animal owners. Along with my sister, just the best. I am so sad for them.

I think I'll come back tomorrow and blog then. I was going to write about my day. But now...I need to grieve. 

If you would, give your pups, or kits, or whatever you own, a little extra love in honor of Trout today. Could you do that for me?

Thank you.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cuddles With Sissy?

 

Hi Guys,

Is it really almost 9? I have to start kicking some righteous ass. The kitchen is such a mess and I need to clean it before I can make anymore products.

I was up at 4:15 to take a friend to the airport. She paid me way more than she should've, even with me picking her up on Monday.

I have good friends.

And we laughed a lot on the drive out. I would've stopped at my sister's place but her hubby is home and I really just felt like cuddling up to her. Both of them would've been like, "uh, Denise?" LOL!

But I waved in her direction as I passed the exit I would've taken to get to her.

So I tried to nap and get in a few extra hours but to no avail so I'm gonna go backwards today and start with bougie bath because I will be too tired tomorrow night.

We ended up without heat yesterday and with the windchill, it was -18. So we were a little chilly. It got fixed at about 4 so all was well. I did turn on a heating pad for my Grey Grey. She's so damn tiny now. I made a nest of snuggly blankets and put the pad underneath her. She was in heaven. Her eyes literally rolled back in her head in ecstasy. 

Love that girl so much.

My youngest is so precious, just a precious soul. She burned her hand last night after I had gone to bed and I woke up to hear her crying. It's one blister and should heal just fine as long as she doesn't break it open. It's a big blister but not huge. She said it made her feel dumb. She's not dumb. We all do things like what she did from time to time. She had been lighting candles with one of those long candle lighters and she accidentally picked the lighter back up by the hot part.

It's literally something anyone could do but she was feeling a bit fragile about it so I hugged her and cuddled her.

Yeah, going on 3 and a half hours of sleep but I did go to sleep at 8 last night and got in another hour before I woke up to hear her. My fitbit tracks only if you sleep through midnight so it got added to my sleep hours for yesterday. 

At any rate, 3 and a half hours isn't as awful when you consider that I did get an hour in prior to midnight.

It's whatever.

Anyways, I have no idea what my sale will bring in but I do need to make an announcement sometime today so people know what to expect. 

So many people are like, "I want this many this and this many that" but if I do that, there will be nothing left for people who show up so I'm just gonna have to say look, "It's first come, first serve." If anything is gone by the time you get here, there will still be some things.

I'm going to start making products right at the beginning of January for the Valentine's sale so that this is more controllable. 

It won't be so overwhelming and I'll have more. 

I've just been caught up in this damn depression and lethargy. So Sunday will be my best effort, given the short amount of time I had to put this together.

It'll be good.

Whatever happens, it'll be good.

It'll be what the Universe wants for me.

Ok, well, I'm onwards.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Unclustering Cluster F*cks

 

Good Morning,

Or so I'm trying to tell myself, lol.

No, it's OK.

I slept pretty good! I got so much done yesterday which is great but...everyone I know has a big but...I made 20 bath bombs and they were all duds. Fell apart.

I fuckin' hate this part of it. Weather, believe it or not, has a big part in whether your bombs will work out or not. I thought I'd use more oils but that made them too soft and yeah...total waste of supplies.

Whatever. I'm not giving up. But I will say...goddamn, the littlest things can set my ass right off. My anxiety is through the roof now.

So I did make a tiny batch of four and I should know relatively soon if they'll be ok or not. One of the things I really want is a bathbomb press but they are 2000.00 dollars and each mold is $500.00. I will eventually get one of these but one thing I might order that's not too expensive are these bathbomb racks that you can order. It's shelving but it comes with what looks like a cupcake tin and the bombs fit perfectly inside while they cure and dry out, thus opening you up to having the molds I currently use to make more bombs. 

Yes, this would be nice but we are not there yet.

One thing at a time.

So today's priority is bathbombs, body butters, maybe lotion. lotion bars. I had to order lip balm containers because I was out. They will arrive tomorrow and that one is quick, it's really quick.

Saturday is for labeling and wrapping. So I'll know Saturday AM if the bathbombs are gonna be a go or not. I can only make so many. I just got distracted and went down a rabbit hold. I found a cheaper press with cheaper molds but what does that mean? Is it high quality?

Not that I can get it right now anyways. A: I can't afford it. B: It wouldn't help my current situation anyways.

All I can do is keep going, that's literally it. The bombs I'm making this time should do all the fun stuff except shoot out color. I am going to start experimenting with what they call embeds but I don't have time. They will still be beautiful, the foam will be colored and the bathbombs should travel.

I cranked the heat all the way up to 90 and it finally came on so we should be good to go. I'm going to make a product, clean something in the house, make a product, clean something in the house.

I need a bigger apartment but I'm grateful for the one I have.

I am grateful.

Time to uncluster the fuck that is my brain. I will do that by showering; water calms me and by meditating. I have a plan. I'm going to stick to it and trust the process and just keep going.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Time to Roll

 

Good Morning,

And it is. A good morning. I feel good. I felt good when I woke up and I checked my fitbit. I only slept 6 hours but a ton of it was deep sleep which explains why I felt good.

I jumped in yesterday and got a good start but today, it's on. And I mean, it's all fucking on. And I am going to write out my intentions because I want to hold myself accountable and keep reminding myself why I'm doing all this. You know, to hold me over in my job search.

So here's what I intend to get done today;

• Finish making the soap
• Make 28 bath bombs
• Make both kinds of lip balms; chapped lip relief and orange
• Make two batches of lotion bars
• Make labels for all
• IF there is time, I will make some Piggy Peace (I'm trying a new recipe)
• Wrap all but bathbombs (they have to cure for 24 hours)
• Clean kitchen, bathroom and bedroom
• Laundry
• Computer stuff (creating labels, writing out recipes as I go)
• Put up Christmas stuff
• Facial, Shower and pedicure, PM skincare
• Watch a Christmas movie with my kiddo
• Bedtime

I have allowed myself to just move slowly this morning, although I have showered, done AM skincare, meditated and have my second load of laundry going.

This may sound like a lot but I knew it would be this way. I will plan better for the next show, which I want to hold at the end of January as there will be Valentine's products available. 

I'm bringing back the massage oil candles and I am so excited.

I am going to have two Valentine lines; one chocolate and one geranium and cedarwood.

I am not planning a new essential oil line until the St. Patty's show.

I'm doing this though. I'm not giving up this time.

I know I have to work right now, for someone else but if I can just make this thing happen to the point where I never have to work for someone else again, oh wow. That would be my life goal. That would be it.

You all know this, you know how I feel.

The sun is shining today, I got the kind of sleep I need so it's time to roll.

Let's do it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Every.Single.Second.

 

Good Morning,

I hope this post finds you well.

I had a fairly productive night last night. I left my son's place and was headed over to my roommate's to pick up a package and my phone rang. It was a good friend of mine. She had had a bad experience and was really upset. So I talked to her for a bit, then I picked up my package and got an update on what my roommate's prognosis is. He has cancer and is beginning the prep for what he'll be going through. Then I ran home, picked up my daughter and got her to work.

On the way home, my friend called me again and she needed some help. So we came up with a plan, I went home real quick and made some lippy scrubs and then I drove out and picked her up, while talking to my other daughter and getting up to speed with what's going on in her life. I drove my friend out to St. Paul and you know what she did for me? She filled my tank up, it was almost on E and she bought me a pack of smokes. I'm so grateful for that right now.

I grabbed something to eat on the way home and ate. I was exhausted but I had to stay up so I could pick my daughter up from work. I went to bed as soon as we got home.

Pumpkin likes to get love from me around 4AM so I got woken up for that but I did go back to sleep for a little while and now I'm at my son's again.

I managed to apply for one job yesterday. My computer battery is almost dead so I'll go until it dies this morning and that'll be that.

My son and his girl found someone to watch the pup tomorrow and that helps a LOT. So tomorrow and Thursday will be about making all my products, getting the info out to people for the show and typing all labels and wrapping and all of that.

I'll do some job search too. 

Man.

I'm tired.

But I'm OK or at least I seem to be. 

It doesn't help that I cry everytime I look at Trout. This is so sad.

My Grey is 15 and a half!

I just hope she maintains, she was never a big cat but she's gotten so tiny. Yet, she still tears around the apartment from time to time. She asks for cuddles and love. What has changed is that she is now willing to accept love from my daughter and is sleeping all over the apartment as opposed to my bed, which is still her sleep spot of preference but she's liking being where we are.

I need to get a print of her paw as I'll be getting it tattooed on me.

I just sat with him now. We had a good talk. I cried. I try not to because I don't want to upset him but I told him all the good stuff. How much he's meant to us, how grateful I am that my son had him and how he's been there for both of them.

So, it's been just over an hour since I wrote that last paragraph. He went into crisis. I cared for him and called my son and my son came home. The immediate crisis passed. My son and him are so bonded. My son was able to get him to lay down.

That beautiful boy, both of them, and my son's girlfriend, my heart. Oh man, my heart.

I did not expect to have the whole day so I'm going to take a bit of time by myself to just be present and allow myself to sit in my grief and then I'll start making products.

This is so sad.

I think maybe a nap first. I know I have things to do but I also think I'm just so tired. A nap may help calm my saddened mind.

Hug your loved ones, both human and fur. Time is just so precious. You want every single second.

Take them, those seconds, they matter. They will matter more after the loss has occurred. 

Every.Single.Second.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anger is a Weirdo

 

Good Morning,

I am ok today but sad. I am sitting for the pup again and this in many ways, reminds me a bit of mom. Just to see the changes. He's not suffering, I know my son and his girl would not let him linger if he suffered. He's just not himself. Little energy, his coordination is off and no longer openly affectionate but he does accept love and hugs. He sleeps a lot.

It breaks my heart for him. It breaks my heart for my son and his girl. It breaks my heart for me. 

Sigh.

I did get some things done last night but I stayed up late and I am paying. I took a nap after I got here this morning and I woke up from nightmares about a woman I used to use my drug of choice with. Her and her kids were stealing from my purse and I was so angry and not sure how to proceed. In the dream, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill all of them.

Some repressed anger?

"To dream that someone is stealing something from you indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life."

Clearly if that is the case, if I am suffering a loss or an identity crisis, I want it to end, I want to crush it.

I could be the loss of my dream.

Willow's Whimsy.

I never even had a chance with this. Not one that was true and pure. I've had people want to help over the years but it was based on their vision for my business, not mine.

And of course, I've had my own...struggles for want of a better word. 

Ah, yes, my struggles. Fuck my struggles, I'm so sick of them.

I don't know.

As for the anger in the dream, my interpretation suggests that expressed anger in dreams is repressed anger in waking. It needs to come out somewhere.

Part of having borderline personality disorder, is extremism in emotions. All of my emotions are big and none were ever bigger than my anger. Ask anyone who was unfortunate enough to have been faced with it. I was vicious. 

But in most cases, my bark was worse than my bite.

I was vengeful but I lacked the courage to follow through on most of my threats. Mostly, it was verbal attacks I assaulted with. 

As I write that, I am so grateful that's not me anymore. I'm not run by anger anymore but it still flows deep down inside of me, an endless river of it that will most likely not leave my soul until I leave this place. It just doesn't run me anymore. It's not pervasive anymore. I don't think there is a single soul on this planet who would tell you I'm an angry person anymore or that they are afraid of me or that they feel sorry for me.

It's just something there, it's one of my weirdos and I've learned to exist alongside of it. In accepting it, I keep it at bay and am allowed to let other things in...good weirdos so to speak. 

They all serve a purpose...each of the weirdos.

And as dramatic as all that sounds...I am usually completely unaware that they even exist all at, especially the anger weirdo.

So there you have it.

Menopause, while it comes with many sad things; loss of passion, changes to my appearance, chronic exhaustion, hair loss, all of those oh so magical things, it has brought me also to a place of diminished emotion.

Diminished emotion in my case, means that to most, I would now be considered normal. I still have them you see, they are just not heightened except in extreme circumstance.

I'm sad today and I'm feeling it.

Most of the time, I walk around completely overwhelmed and not understanding my purpose in this life and not wanting to be a slave, which is what I see most of us as.

And that is overwhelming and sad to me.\

Debbie downer of a blog but I got it out of my system. 

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cans of Whoop Ass

Hey Everyone,

So, just chillin' today though that was not the intent. My daughter's party went great but I am wiped out. I ended up taking a nap after not getting anything done so now it's on.

I'll blog again in the morning even though this is in the evening. I'll let you know if I actually accomplish anything.

I have acclimated myself to the fact that if I want to achieve my goals, this week is going to be a cluster fuck. And there will be little sleep.

And there will be scheduling myself to the Nth degree.

And I suck at all of this.

But...we'll see what I got. I don't know what I'm made of because I never bothered to look.

I'm not gonna look this week either but I'm gonna dig deep and just see.

I was so happy for my girl. So many friends showed up for her yesterday. She needed that, she really needed that. We did begin a budget for her but I now have to write it all out and let me tell you, she was overwhelmed. She was really, really overwhelmed. We've both been spazzing out on each other and crying and saying we're sorry.

She needed yesterday. 

This morning I had a zoom call with 3 of my girls. I think I've mentioned this before, we do this monthly. I am usually so busy, I just can't stay on the call but I did today and oh my God, we laughed and laughed and we talked about some Debbie Downer shit too; death and how we want things to go down during our deaths and after. I really need to write it out for my kids. I need to pay for my cremation and shit too, ahead of time, so they don't have to. Yeah, Debbie Downer but good stuff, stuff I need to think about but the laughter far outweighed the heavy stuff. I needed that.

And now it's time to whoop some ass.

So, you know, I'm gonna go whoop some ass and I'll be back in the morning to let you all know what's up.

Cans of whoop ass all around me, gonna inhale that shit the way some people inhale...inhalents, lol.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Hilarious Ironies

 

Hi Guys,

I'm just trying to get a quickie in while cleaning and preparing for my daughter's party tonight. It should be really fun but even though I got a ton done yesterday, there is still much to do to make this place presentable.

Yesterday, I did get the filing project done. What a relief. Maybe though I should say I got part one done. All my normal, daily stuff is filed. I have to now go through all recipes for my products and make containers for each and label them.

That's what I am going to get started on today and pretty much just go through that until it's time to do my makeup and hair. 

Then the baking will begin. I'm only actually making sliders. I bought fruit and chips and dip and the cake. I just needed my life to be easy for this one.

Tomorrow, I'll clean which shouldn't be too bad because I plan on cleaning as I go today as well. 

But then it's finishing getting my supplies organized and making products. I can't start on the bathbombs until Monday so it's gonna be so nuts. 

I'll be at my son's again Monday and Tuesday with the pup but I plan to come home, eat and then work until 10 or so, clean up my mess and take a quick shower and go to bed. I don't sleep anyways so I might as well make the most of that too.

If I don't make rent for January, it'll actually be hilarious because I will have finally finished the unpacking and organizing by that time. 

I care but I don't have the energy to care today. My focus is on things within my control today. 

That's how you get through shit, keep your eye on what's directly in front of you.

I plan to do more job search at my son's house on Monday and Tuesday because I don't want to just be sitting around.

Ok, I better go get shit done. 

Thank you for stopping by.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Hopefukky

 

Hi Everyone,

Hope this finds you well. 

I actually got some stuff done yesterday...you know, after I blogged.

I had two good conversations yesterday, both friends who called to check on me. My bestie cracked me up. Cracking up right now is a good thing. It's very hard to laugh when things feel heavy and so serious. Note to self: It's OK to laugh. There's this guy on FB. Maybe it's actually tik tok, I have no idea how all this shit works. But he's fucking hilarious. When I need to lighten up, I watch him because...it's just so funny.

But yeah, I kept moving. That's not been so easy for me lately. Not so easy at all.

My brother left a few messages for me too. One to find out what was going on and one to offer support. He's the best.

Even my sister, who was traveling yesterday, sent me a sweet message.

It is good to be loved. And I thank you, all of you.

Today it's on and I mean...it has to be. 

I don't want to jinx myself, so I'll write about it all tomorrow morning. But yeah, it's on today.

I wish I had words of encouragement and enlightenment but today I just know that I have to reach deep. Tomorrow I have to reach deep. Sunday, I can fall apart, at least slightly.

I mean, if I need to.

I am going to take breaks today to do things that interest me. 

So, hopefully...if the plan goes the way I'd like it to, I'll have accomplishments to share with you.

Hopefully. Ha, when I went to write hopefully, I hit the wrong keys and wrote hopefukky. Let's hope that's not an omen of things to come.

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

When It All Hits

 

Hi Everyone,

It's been a rough couple days so no blog.

I'm here and kickin' so to speak, ready to try and jump in to some kind of normalcy and productiveness. The laziness and inability to motivate myself is still in play here so the days have been tough.

Many, many things hit at once; my son's dog did get an MRI and it's end stage cancer. They have him on something that may help give him a bit more time but regardless, he won't be with us much longer and this is incredibly hard, especially after just losing their cat Maple. It's only been a couple weeks.

Then my daughter went in and I'm not going to go into that. She'd been having some problems. They did find something but it's almost guaranteed that she'll be fine after a one day procedure.

And my roommate, who as you know, has done so much for us, has cancer. He too, has an excellent prognosis.

He's just gonna through it, ya know? It won't be easy. But it'll be worth it because he'll still be here.

So it's a lot. It's a lot all at once. I just shut down for a few days because it's so overwhelming.

My youngest had a behind the wheel for nervous adult drivers today. They recommended a few more sessions before taking her test but I also know I've got to get her driving all the time. I just have to do it even though I'm terrified. There's a car for her at the end of this so I need to encourage this.

My roommate's house is done. Like...done. I do have just a few things over there I need to take home with me but the cleaning? Done. It feels good to have finished all that.

I did right by him.

I don't like not doing that anymore. Having things hanging. I kept my word.

Commitments are hard for me because I want to commit to everything and help everyone. But I did it.

And I also took a nap. 

The sleep thing is still a big problem. But...I guess it honestly and truly is what it is. I'm going to try and clean the apartment, it's really not that bad, than take my daughter to do work, then I have a pick up I have to make and a huge amount of things to get from the car to the apartment and put that away.

That may be all I am able to do today.

And I mean, that's good. That's some productivity. 

I'll be watching my son's dog again on Monday and Tuesday so I just have a ton to get done before those two days and I have to go into those two days knowing that just because I spend the day over there, I still have plenty of time to get shit done afterwards. Those afternoons after coming home are not freebies.

Bla!

Gonna go clean now.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Curling Up

 

Good Morning,

Oh, but the last two days have been hard ones. 

I don't want to write too much in detail because much of what I'm struggling with at the current moment, has to do with the struggles of others.

Mine too, but...more so others.

My son and his girl's pup, Trout, he's not doing well. I came over to spend the day with him yesterday and I'm here today as he can't be alone. He's going in for an MRI tomorrow so they will know exactly what they're dealing with. He's 11 now and for dogs, that's a critical age, that can be when things start changing for them.

Right now, he's curled up to me. I was embracing and holding him as he slept and crying. Animals in my mind, are perfect. They are love. He's the reason I want a dog. This guy has been literally my grandson. He's in my heart, he's family. Seeing him not himself, it's devastating. I can't imagine what it's like for my son and for his girlfriend. They've known him since he was only a few days old. He's precious.

I don't understand people who have animals they don't fall in love with. I am so in love with this dog.

So this is so sad.

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday and she's really feeling the whole adult birthday dilemma, which is that it's not always a big deal. It is a big deal but as we get older, we have to let go of the expectation that there will be celebrations on that day. It's just not always realistic. 

So she was sad.

It was a really hard fucking day man.

And the sleeplessness...are you sick of reading about it? I am sick of living it.

I know that longterm Xanax use is bad, I know that because someone I love very much went through a two year withdrawal process after taking it only as prescribed for 20 years.

But I just wish I could take it. I don't care about the addiction side of it, it's the only thing that's ever worked for me. 

I'm struggling.

I think that says it all. 

I don't want to write more because I fear I'll allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of self-pity and despair and that's just not me anymore.

Yuk.

I'm not sure what I can do today to make things better for myself. Some days, you just get through them.

That's all you do, you just get through them.

I got turned down on several job apps I submitted.

One might think, "I told you so" but I have finally accepted that some of my shit, it wasn't just my "shit." I literally cannot conform to certain things and just accept bad behavior, bad treatment. 

Of all the jobs I've had, there are only 3 or 4 that I look back on and think...I really fucked that up. The rest of them, maybe it's wrong of me, but I just think...fuck 'em. The job itself was horrid, the people were horrid or the management was horrid. I don't do horrid.

I do think my age affects me and my chances of gaining employment.

We'll have to see. 

We will just have to see.

I'm tired and I think I'll nap with the pup.

I do hope that all of you are having a wonderful day. I do.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Little Freight Trains

 

Good Morning,

Ok, so I slept until about 3 and was up until 5:30. That's with me taking the meds at about 3:30 when it became obvious I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep.

I got up at 8 so I did get in just over 7 hours. 

I mean, I got nothing to say about that anymore. It is what it is. I watched this video that talked about how you should challenge yourself to accept everything for 24 hours. So that's what I'm trying to do.

So no going back to yesterday, there is only now. As humans, I don't know how many of us can maintain that for any set amount of longterm time but I can try for 24 hours. 

Acceptance can be hard. 

I am helping my son out on Monday and Tuesday so I had to readjust my schedule for those two days and you know what? It's fine.

All I can say is that I am going to try and go hard today and go hard when I get home Monday and Tuesday.

I have an opportunity to make some money with Willow's Whimsy so besides job search and making products, there really is only the day to day stuff for me for the next two weeks.

I don't know what will happen in the next two weeks so acceptance and presence. 

Ok, got it.

My mom called this morning so we chatted for a bit. I am dressed; skincare and haircare? Done.

And so it begins. Everything I do or don't do today is a choice and I know that there are outcomes for whatever I choose. Some are good outcomes, some not.

The fact that my sleep was all fucked up and the fact that I slept way later than usual? It is what it is. I get on these tangents where I literally give up if I sleep in. 

So that's a choice right? In this moment, I don't feel that I have to give up.

We'll see how this plays out.

I can tell you that I did apply for a job yesterday; yes, just a job, only one. Because it's the weekend, very few new postings go up.

Since I will be at my son's tomorrow and Tuesday, I intend to use that time for job search, crafting and some Christmas gifts that I already have all the supplies for.

I wanted to talk about the picking because I know that some people engage with this blog to get updates on how I am dealing with my dermatillomania. It got bad at my job. And I've been trying since quitting to leave my scabs alone and have had little to no success. The pain that this causes is unbelievable. Because in spite of me being at them constantly, they do try to heal and it gets to the point where it's all scar tissue that I'm pick off. And yeah, it's incredibly painful. 

So about 4 days ago, I decided that part of my daily skincare will be to put tons of bacitracin on the wounds and a bandaid over each one. I only wear them until my evening shower because they do need to be able to dry out and "scab" up but then I bandaid up again first thing in the morning. 

It's working, except for the one on my back (I can't reach it to get a bandaid on it). I still pick sometimes but they are closing up to the point where when they heal, they aren't rough. It's the roughness that stimulates me to pick. I don't pick smooth skin. 

I am grateful because there are people who do so much damage. For some of you who have seen what I do to myself, imagine that times 100 or 1000. Imagine creating your own wounds by purposely scratching hard enough or using a razor to create a would to pick or picking healthy skin. Imagine that all over one's body instead of just a few random wounds in different locations. I've seen pictures of what people do to themselves.

So this seems to be working for now.

I'm determined to overcome this. For now, the one on my back, I have to deal with the pain. If I can stay away from it for a day or so, the pain goes away.

So here we are and now I put my money where my mouth is so to speak.

Well, I just took 10 minutes to love up on Miss Pumpkin. She was in the mood for a petting session, purring away like a little freight train.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie