Well I clocked 6 hrs and 48 minutes for sleep so I hit my happy spot. I am a little tired this morning, a little slow to get moving.
It's OK, there's time.
I fed the cats and I looked at my list and just went....blahhhhhhhhhhh.
I will start into it after this entry.
I had a good day yesterday. It ended up being kindof a lazy day. I took it easy. I finally got in a phone call with one of my bestie's. My sister came out and really, we just chilled. I made us dinner and happily, it was pretty good. I made tomato basil soup, garlic bread and this cheese dip/spread to put on top of it. It was yummy.
Weight loss is so weird. I was up over the milestone I had hit yesterday but today, I got on the scale and I was under, which is where I want to be. My only goal as far as numbers this week, is to be less than I was the day before.
I don't care if it's only .1 lbs, it just has to be lower.
Today, I finally feel like I can attempt somewhat of a schedule. My day got a little out of whack because of a phone call last night.
My daughter's father's mom called me. Their father, David, is in the hospital. He's pretty messed up; infections, hip and leg problems. Lung issues. He's been living on the street for quite some time and I guess he was in so much pain, he told his friends to call the ambulance. For him to willingly go to the hospital and be willing to stay put, you know the pain was excruciating.
If he doesn't follow through with what they recommend, he's going to die. I've been waiting for that call for years.
Not actively waiting but knowing it was inevitable if he couldn't decide to get help.
My sister called me because I had put up a post about it. To be able to say to someone, "I don't hate him, I'm so sad," that helped a lot. I used to blame him for so much and I looked at him as "a bad guy" but my heart has softened over the years, especially since my addiction, even though I've been able to temper it, kept popping up. And there were years of me holding on, being clean, and then blowing it and he wasn't there for any of that. We are all responsible for our own decisions. No one, including him, ever put a gun to my head and said, "do drugs or else."
He gave me those two girls. I cherish them. I know he loves them too but he was already so enmeshed in the life he created for himself (drugs and alcohol) that he was unable to be there for them.
Drug addiction is an affliction for everyone involved and it's so hard to understand when you're not an addict, how hard it is to break those patterns. AA does help some people but none of it addresses the mental health aspect of addiction.
AA doesn't help with self-esteem, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, psychosis, like...I believe now that addiction recovery requires multi levels of healing.
I have said for years that AA is not a one size fits all. And there are people who disagree with me, who would say, "you're not trying hard enough, you're not being honest enough." It always comes down to shame.
No. I did try hard enough, I was honest enough. I never felt peace within in spite of doing everything my sponsors over the years told me to do. I couldn't stop the cycle of self-loathing and sabotage...until I got my diagnosis and got the therapy that is helpful for that.
Am I out of the woods? No. I don't believe we suddenly become able to drink normally and with drug addiction, I just will never believe, other than weed and what I call "vision-quest" drugs (only all natural ones) that anyone can just use it socially and then stop. Heroin and opiates cause a physical as well as mental addiction, cocaine sets you up for what feels like a physical addiction but the physical part only lasts while you're actually doing it. Meth, from what I understand, gets you so cranked up that the crash actually physically hurts.
Man, the damage we do to our bodies.
But it's led to some severe lifestyle choices and thus consequences for David.
I only wish him well, I only wish the best for him. To hear his mother cry...it broke my heart.
I called him this morning and the nurse said he asked me to call back at So I'll do that and I'm hoping he'll say yes to a visit.
I'll go today if he's up to that.
I have so many memories. It used to be all bad, those memories, but I told my sister last night that all those memories? There were some funny, hilarious things that happened and I have to own that too, because it wasn't all bad, I mean yeah, it was bad but there were good times within that. I guess I'm passing through my shame of it all finally. I can look back and my heart holds no blame. He and I were nuts together, but when it was fun, it was so fun and when it was it funny, it was so funny. We were two broken people. You can't over glorify it. You know, you have to be able to play the whole scenario through but you know...I just don't think anyone sets out with the intent to become an addict. I think we tell ourselves a lot of lies to keep that high up and to protect what come to feel is our right to do it.
Medicate everything, ya know. Numb it.
I'm not saying that we just allow the active addict to just plow through our lives, you have to protect yourself but instead of the anger, the vilifying, we can still love the person. I choose to see him as a broken person, as a human who for whatever reason, is to sensitive for this earth and all it's harshness. It's choice but it's also not a choice.
I choose love. I choose it everyday. Love of myself, or you know, a willingness to work towards that, and love of others.
But I digress.
I do have a list and yes, it's all stuff that needs to be done but we'll get there and I pretty much know which ones are a priority and which ones can wait if need be. So I'm just going to try and focus in on that.
And just get through this day. It'll be a good day, regardless, if I just can keep myself moving.
And so, I leave you now to do just that.
And I will keep you updated.
Have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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