My Friend

 

Hi Everyone,

I wrote this yesterday but didn't have time to post. I will write about the concert tonight because it was such a good experience.

"Ok, I don’t want to be here today. Now that that is established, shall we continue? I found a job listing in Anoka County. I’m going to apply for it and just see what happens. The high end of the pay range is more than I’m making now, the job itself is closer to where I am now, more paid holidays, way more PTO, incredible medical and dental.

I want the job. But I have to apply and just trust the Universe. I don’t hate it here. That’s key. I won’t be devastated if I don’t get the job. I’m old enough to know that there are pros and cons to everything.

But I have to try.

I was really disappointed yesterday. I don’t expect people to bow down and kiss my ass just because I lost someone but some empathy would be nice. I guess I’ve felt that’s what ’s missing here.

And it’s hard for me, I’m for the residents, I’m for the workers…I’m not here for the corporation. But as per the norm, there are boundaries to that. A friend of mine, her name is Sara, once told me that I’m a champion of the underdog and I have to be honest, I didn’t see it at the time but time has proven it to be true.

Not bragging, just…I’m not a corporate kind of girl. I hate corporate America. I have and will always be, for the little guy.

I have said, and I stand by, the fact that having had experiences with Momma in a few different places, I can say this place I work at, seems very good. But even so, it’s not perfect. These people are underpaid; residents are nickeled and dimed for every single service.

And while the “corporation” that owns these places, need to make a profit, when you underpay staff, guess who suffers? Your parents. That’s who suffers.

Soooo. Consider Assisted Living or Memory Care but also consider private pay caregiving in addition to. I realize not everyone has this kind of mula and you’d be paying out of pocked for the additional help but I mean…it’s the only way you’re going to be able to get a clear view on what you are really getting and what your loved one is really receiving.

So anyways, yes, I am going to apply for this county job and see what happens, that’s all, just seeing what happens.

So. Yesterday. My friend.

Dean.

It makes me really sad writing this because he still read my blog, at least he said he did the last time I saw him and I believe him because he knew that I was caring for my mom. He was caring for his mom too.

Dean was someone I knew from junior high school. He was two grades ahead of me. He was “popular.”

Good looking, I always thought he was good looking. I don’t remember why he originally reached out to me, we were friends on Facebook. I know he had requested me. I didn’t know him well enough to friend request him. I was sortof notorious. If you know, you know. I had me a reputation.

Anyways, we started communicating and I liked him. He was still good looking. He was charming. He invited me out to this bar that a bunch of people from school were going to be at. What he didn’t tell me was that he had a girlfriend. LOL, little shit but honestly, he clearly wasn’t thinking of me in that way, so he really had no reason to tell me he was seeing anyone.

I remember walking in and seeing him at the bar and giving him a big hug. The dirtball 7^th grader in me, the one who was a total scrapper and who had no self-esteem whatsoever, the one who used to be chubby, she was so happy to see him. His whole face lit up when he saw me and I’m sure mine did too. I was skinny, I was feeling good about myself and I did look good that night.

Well…that night ended up so weird but we kept in touch.

Why was it weird? I guess I might as well tell the whole story, maybe it’s meant to be told now though I will not name the person that some of this night involved. She deserves her privacy.

So most of the people there that night, were people that were two grades ahead of me. I recognized most of them but didn’t actually know them. There was this one, just ugh, totally obnoxious guy there, he was horrid. He kept asking me if I wanted to go smoke crack with him and his girlfriend and get it on.

He wasn’t asking me about crack because he knew about me, he just didn’t care who knew he was a crackhead. And then he told me who his girlfriend was. So this girl was a year younger than me, and a year older than my sister. She had been a very pretty girl when I knew her. So pretty and this funny personality. She liked to get her drink on, I remember that. Her brother was in my grade and he was a massive alcoholic at 13 years of age.

So anyways, we lost touch once I was out of school. And I never heard from her again. I still haven’t heard from her.

But this guy mentioned her name and he basically spewed her shit all over the place, in front of everyone that was outside at the bar. She was a crack addict too. Her father had been having sex with her and her sister since they were little. This dude kept calling her a whore and all this stuff, he was a fucking pig.

And Dean finally came out and got me. I told him I hated that guy, whoever the fuck he was and he got me calmed down.

I got way too drunk that night. There was a woman named Kathy there who had gone to school with us but we hadn’t known each other prior to that night. I was in the toilet puking my guts out and I was going to drive home. Dean wouldn’t let me. So he and his girlfriend drove me but I still didn’t realize that she was his girlfriend.

I was puking in a bag he gave me. Well, he walks me up to my door and goes in for a hug and I try to start making out with him. He laughed and gently pushed me away and told me the girl driving was his girlfriend. I was to drunk to be mortified at that point but I was the next day. Kathy friend requested me and she was so so sweet and put my mind at ease. I’ve been friends with her ever since and I just love her. To say she’s been supportive of me is to put it lightly.

Very kind human being, beautiful, thoughtful…I’m so grateful to have met her. And Dean reached out to see how I was feeling and I apologized. He just cracked up. So I avoided having too much humiliation over that one.

Dean and I kept talking. We didn’t often talk on the phone, it was usually over messenger. We saw each other a few times and then it just sortof faded out and when Trump ran for President the first time, and won, I lost my shit and pretty much deleted everyone who was “out of the Trump closet” and Dean was one of those.

I regret that now. I’m still not for Trump, it is what it is but I am no longer at odds with anyone. I know too many good people who support him. I don’t claim to understand and this blog is in no way meant to bash anyone. I’m simply stating that I don’t understand but I will never extricate anyone from my life just because of that man.

I saw Dean at the grocery store a couple years ago. He looked so happy. I wanted to cry when he told me he’d met someone and gotten married. Not because I wanted to marry him but because he had found happiness and he so deserved that. He told me he still read my blog and that he knew I was caring for my mom and he was caring for his and that my blog helped him. I am so glad I saw him that day. I am so glad. We never did connect after that but I felt that we were good.

I am not going to go into how deep our friendship got or what he did for me because they were intimate things; not sexual, never sexual but they were intimate. I probably shared more intimacy with him than I ever did with anyone else, other than my first love John. Dean made me feel beautiful. He said what he thought and if I ever got mad at him, he’d discuss it with me. We never yelled at each other. He helped me in so many ways.

I will never forget him. My daughter and I were talking about him two days before he died, and I thought of him on Sunday when I ran to Cub. I think he flew into my mind on his way to heaven. To let me know that when I found out, I would know he’s OK.

I really loved him. It was the nicest love involving a man I’ve ever felt. Because I just loved him. I wasn’t in love with him. He was less than a lover, but more than a friend if that makes sense.

I really don’t know how else to explain it. And I don’t want to over evaluate it. And I don’t want to write too much either out of his respect for the woman he loved and married. He found someone and that is enough for me.

I still don’t know how he died. There’s been literally nothing on FB other than the original post I saw saying he was gone.

I don’t know when his funeral is, I don’t know anything. I know if he does have one, I’ll be there. I looked to see if he had an obituary but there is nothing. Oh. Wait. I just read on his daughter’s page that there will be no service, other than for family. My heart just broke all over again. I messaged his daughter.

Not to try and crash the service but to find out if he will be cremated or buried. I would like to pay my respects but he loved fishing and so maybe I’ll just find myself out on a lake and I will say my goodbyes then. That is not all I said, I mean I offered condolences as well and spoke highly of him.

Getting old sucks ass, head and hole. Don’t do it if you can avoid it. Not highly recommended.

I’m still so sad.

Samhain hangs heavy on my heart this year.

I hope that during ritual, I’ll be able to let go of some of this sorrow. I want to make a list, not just of my ancestors, but of all the friends I’ve lost in the past 4 years. It’s around 40. That’s not an exaggeration. But yeah, honor those who have gone before by speaking their names and maybe that will offer some comfort.

I have to do something.

You know what? As miserable as I was all those years ago in 7^th grade, I would go back and feel all those feelings just to have a chance to see Dean again, as he was when I first met him, and I would imprint the memory.

He will be carried and held in so many hearts.

I want a celebration of life. I’m even going to make an appearance. I plan on shooting a video to be shown. I have some of it planned. But I’m not going to spoil the surprise. I know what music needs to be played. The corners will be called and I know what I want read. I also want all of you to get up and tell them damn stories, cuz we all know there are plenty of them. Perhaps too many to count. I will be dead, so you can tell any story you want to. I promise I won’t care.

But please, do mention how much I loved my people; my family, my friends, my coworkers (most of them), lol…the people who I loved for a lifetime, for a season, for a reason, or for a minute…let them know how much love I hold in my heart, especially those babies of mine; my Jonny, my Rhi Rhi and my Rei Rei. For them, the world."

So on that note, I am signing off. I will be back tonight at some point.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

WRONG

 

Hi Everyone,

Rough day yesterday and I wanted to blog but I had nothing. I mean, I had plenty but no energy to put it down here.

I actually got about 6.5 hours of sleep the night before last and so I was feeling ready to tackle the day. 

WRONG.

I immediately saw a post on FB that someone I loved very much had passed. It wasn't an active kindof love, I hadn't seen him in awhile, but just love for a person, ya know?

There was a time when this person loomed large in my life.

And his place in my life was very needed and very important.

I will write about this but not now. It's still to fresh.

And, of course, time is getting away from me. I have to get to work. I look like shit and I really don't give a shit. My sister would laugh; she came into a job that I was at years ago, took one look at me (I had a blob of hair just sitting on the top of my head) and she combed my hair out for me, right there at my desk.

It was a blob on top of my head kindof day yesterday.

Today will be much the same but I'm dressed a little nicer.

The house looks like it blew up. My roommate told me he was going to try and rearrange all my boxes as he has Mondays off and I asked him not to. It's just 3 more days, 3 more nights.

Ok, so I guess it's onwards. It's the only choice. 

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What I Deserve From Myself

 

Hi Everyone,

Wow, yesterday was steadily busy. I never felt overwhelmed though. I had to keep talking myself off the ledge of anxiety.

And it was fine. 

I drove out to a town in Wisconsin, it's about a 2.5 hour drive to pick up a gentleman whose daughter was getting married and to bring him home (where I work). It was a beautiful drive, stunning scenery and sometimes the sun was out and sometimes, partially out but surrounded by dark storm clouds. It was gorgeous and on the drive home, we were both ooooing and ahhhhing over how lovely the evening sky was.

The whole thing was a new experience for me and I enjoy most "experiences"...

Today, I did not go roller skating. God, it's 2:19 and I'm already exhausted. I didn't get enough sleep, which I guess I'm not surprised about.

But I got up early, went to Walmart, then went grocery shopping, then started cooking. I made meatballs, sauce and baked ziti. This ziti is the best I've ever made.

I'm about to make Pumpkin Bars and chicken parmesan. 

I brought some of the meatballs and ziti to a resident at my work. She was so happy, she gave me some dinner rolls and a cinnamon like....doughnut. She absolutely will not take anything from me without also giving me something. I take what she offers, as it makes her feel good. Today, she gave me the rolls and the doughnut.

I don't tell you all these things to "toot my own horn"...I just...it makes me feel so good to do these things. No one is more surprised about this than me, trust me. And it's not that I was as horrid as I made myself out to previously be.

But other than the chicken parm and pumpkin bars, I'm going to chill out on the doing for others thing for the time being. Just because I have so much to do in my own life and I need to be able to dedicate time to that. 

Doing good for others is one way to feel good about myself but I need to really focus on treating myself the way I treat others. I need to treat myself well because I know I deserve that from myself.

So, things are moving along. I wanted to get in a blog today but need to keep moving.

The rest of the week is nutso so we'll see what happens with me blogging.

Just know if I don't write, I'm OK.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Figuring It Out

 

Good Morning Hopefully Happy Peeps,

Well.

I am happy to tell you that I kicked some Princess Kickass ass last night. Yup, I cleaned both litter boxes and filled just one up like I mentioned I was gonna do yesterday.

I packed most of my room, other than clothes and shoes and a few miscellaneous items.

I took a shower.

Doesn't sound like a lot but it was. I had to drag all my coats upstairs and get them boxed, then try to arrange the boxes. Yeah, I really have WAY to much shit.

Part of me really wishes I would've said fuck it and gotten a 3 bedroom but it'll be OK. We signed a one year lease and if things go according to plan, then when the lease is up, if there is a 3 bedroom available, we'll take it.

Speaking of according to plan, I have to readjust the schedule I made for the next week. I forgot that I am going to a concert with my daughter Tuesday night.

And this morning, I was going to go grocery shopping. But it was pouring. No bueno. I could go now but I do that fizzle thing when things don't go according to plan and I can't do that. I got really anxious when I didn't go grocery shopping.

I can go tomorrow morning.

I might need to get fake nails again, just for awhile. You should see what I've done to my leg with the picking.

Anxiety at it's finest. The ones on my arm seem to be healing. I still have one on my hand. 

Why did I have to get this particular form of anxiety?

Anyways, whatever. I have a load of laundry in, so once that's done, I think I'll shower quick, get ready (hair and a little makeup and get dressed) for this wedding I'm going to and then with whatever time I have left, I'll pack up what I can in the bathroom and the dining room.

I have to leave here by 1:00 to go pick up the car I'll be driving and leave there by 1:30.

I mean, if nothing else, it'll be interesting and I'm helping someone so...it's all good.

Tomorrow, I'm up early, going grocery shopping, cooking, going roller skating and then to work for an hour or so and then I'll come back and finish packing whatever I possibly can and reassess my schedule at that time. 

I'm debating renting a truck for moving. I did take Friday off and I'd like to get as much into the apartment as possible. There are probably about 6 heavy items and I'm not sure if my bookshelf will make it though I'd like it to. It was falling apart during the last move. I have a cabinet my sister bought when I lived with mom and that's falling apart too, it'll never make the move but I need to get it to the apartment complex so I can put it in the dumpster.

I'll see if anybody is available on Friday to help. I know my son is going out of town the next day so I don't want to hit him up. My son inlaw loves me but I don't think that's really on his list of things to do.

What evs, I'll figure it out.

And I'm ok. My daughter came in to sleep with me last night, which woke me up, so I didn't get as much as I would've liked but that's OK.

I would give anything to be able to cuddle up to my mom. There will come a time when I won't be here for her to do so, sooooo it's all good.

Alright, well, I mean, I guess on with it.

And now my Grey has her paws stuck in my shirt.

Ok, she's free.

And I'm almost free. 

Soon.

Less than a week.

Alright, well, be blessed my friends. Have a great weekend.

Love & Light,

Neecie,kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkbnp; [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[+6

That was Grey. She says hello.

Bye :)

Ondi Like Ghandi

 

Hi guys,

I am trying so hard not to do this here but I don’t believe I got a blog in yesterday. I’m still trying to “come back” from that plummet I had.

I feel much better.

But there is so much more going on now.

First, I had to cancel the doctor’s appointment. Because I don’t have insurance, they sent me an estimation of cost and it was $400.00 for the appointment. I can’t do that. There are some online mental health services that cost around $60 for an assessment and then they send you the  meds.

I need to look into the cost of the meds first and then we’ll go from there.

I forgot it was a full moon two days ago and it was a powerful one; the fall ones always are. I’m not blaming it all on the moon but that does factor in. I got 6 hrs and 15 minutes last night which is close to my sweet spot, my sweet spot being six and a half hours to seven hours.

And I feel alright.

I finished (except for my makeup), the packing in the room I use as my office. So that’s good. I need to clean the litter boxes, they are disgusting but I’m thinking I’ll only change one. I need four boxes at our new place because they said you should have as many litter boxes plus one as you do cats so I do have 5 bags of litter and I’m thinking we will just go with the one so I can start out fresh with four bags when we move.

I am moving the cats into the  new place, end of day, the day we move in. That way, most of the furniture will have been delivered and I can get their kitty towers, hammocks and beds all put together and ready for them.

I need new food for them as well as a lifted tray to put their food and water on. It never ends.

Ok, whatever, enough of that.

Yesterday, my boss announced her resignation. I’m happy for her. She’s going to a place that we looked at for my mom. It’s really nice. Mom would’ve been there except that they had a waiting list and she was already somewhere else when her name came up.

It’s scary for me because this is what happened at my last place of employment. Big changes came and my immediate boss left as a result.

And then everything went to shit.

But these things happen and this particular field is a field of high turnover, high burnout. It’s not good.

That said, because you know I’ve been all over about this job, I mean, I’m OK. I can stay here long enough to see what Willow’s Whimsy is gonna be.

Or at least where it seems to be headed.

I say this with total intention; when I am able to leave this place, I will visit a certain group of people here, residents, who have become precious to me. I can’t not see them or leave them. Some of them, they don’t get a lot of visits and they get attached and I can’t just walk away. Like, I wouldn’t do that. I am going to try not to get attached to any others and just hold this at bay because part of my problem, as mentioned previously, is this little problem I have with being a little helper bee. No more. I gotta help myself first. I gotta make myself into a machine that functions as flawlessly as possible so I can be there for others and not burnout.

It’s been a long day. I have so much to do after I get off work; bank, shopping for a dining room set because I’m starting to panic that we won’t have anything by the time we move. They had some cheap ones at Ashley Furniture. Honestly, I don’t even care if it’s a POS as long as it matches my décor. Like, whatEVah.

I need to regroup and start journaling. I’m not nearly as anxious as I was but I’m having a  hard time just getting “right in the head.”

As I get older, I find that it takes longer and longer to get my poop in a group after having meltdowns. I will say that the  meltdowns don’t go down as deep as they used to either though.

So, uh, now today is tomorrow (today).

Last night, I spent the last of shit-ton of $$ that’s gone out to get our apartment ready for inhabitation.

I guess that’s a word, inhabitation, because Word didn’t highlight as not being one.

Anyways, I still need an altar, towels for both bedrooms, plates, silverware, cups, deco for table tops in the dining room and living room, bathroom rugs and then I think we’re pretty much good to go.

Eventually, not now though, I’ll want a picture or two to hang in the living room, some décor for the walls if you will.

I got to work super early today so I can get out and power pack tonight, as well as call and get cable service set up, I’m going to need a new phone (mine cracked) but I’m hoping my phone will hold out until my next paycheck.

I’m going to write out my budget too, so that there are never any surprises, or at least as few of them as possible.

I mean, we’re here, this is huge part of what I’ve been working towards.

The real grind can start after next Friday.

And then it’s ondi like Ghandi.

Alright, well, I certainly have plenty to do here today so I’m going to get on that. I’m so happy. I’m out of here at 3:45 today. There is a God. Well, you know, in my mind, there are many.

But I digress.

Ight, Imma hit it now.

Y’all have a blessed day. Work hard, play hard.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Demons

 

Good Morning,

I figured I'd blog because y'all who are on my FB page probably are worried that I'm losing it. Let me assure you, yeah, I am but there are also grains of reality here as well and an ability to see through the mire of sleeplessness that I am suddenly experiencing.

I'm not even going to go into the weird shit I'm thinking. 

I have a dr. appt. on Friday morning and I have to pay for it out of pocket. I was going to wait until open enrollment and bla bla bla and I have no choice now but things have become somewhat desperate. 

I've had to make some decisions. 

I have to focus on the move. I cannot worry myself about the business right now. I will be ready to go for Christmas.

That's life, ya know and it fucking sucks but it is what it is.

I'm not only seeing the doc for insomnia meds but for my antidepressants as well. I'm nuts right now. I'm not going to be able to calm myself. I got over the stigma of being on meds last time so I'm not worried about that. It's more the cost of this.

Fuck.

Anyways, for the next two weeks, it's all about the move and taking care of me. Exercise, meditation, blogging, journaling, whatever it takes and of course, for now, sleep meds.

There have been no thoughts of using. I'm so grateful I don't need to fight that demon right now. Fuck that demon. 

So that's good but other things are slipping and that's not good.

My anxiety over not sleeping has me skin picking and oh man, it's not good. I have a wound on my hand, one on my arm, one on my back and a ginormous one on my left calf.

Horrible. Painful. Ugly.

I am OK and I'm not OK but I'm making decisions that I think will help.

Sometimes what's right is hard. But I've had to admit to myself that you know, things are what they are and I took on way too much all at once and I screwed myself into this.

And my job? Sounds like a broken record...I don't like it. Let's be honest, I think there would be very few jobs I'll ever like but I know I either want to work for the state or for the county because of the benefits.

So.

I'll keep working here and try to shield myself emotionally (I'll write about that more, later) and I'll look everyday for jobs that would be good.

And I'll pray, pray, pray I get one. 

This job is horrible for my mental health.

I just get too attached and most of my coworkers are great and so are the residents but I hate the job itself and that little helper that I never knew existed, has taken over and wants to fix everything for everyone but I can't fix shit until I fix myself.

Ok, I gotta go.

Things feel horrid right now but that's not the truth, it's my anxiety, it's the insomnia and it's probably my old friend, self-sabotage come to call.

Another demon.

That demon is the one I need to be aware of and cautious of. Cause you let one out of it's chains and it unleashes all the others.

Again, fuck you demon.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Recipe For Perfection

 

Good Morning! 

Long time no blog. Well, for me at least. I had a bad week. This heat. I know, SSDD. I have no control over the weather. I truly wish I did.

Alas, I have not proven myself to be omnipotent in that field.

Everyone would hate me, I'd be like the White Witch in the Narnia chronicles; it'd be permanent winter. Well, it'd be two months of spring, 5 months of fall and 5 months of winter. No summer. Ever.

Well, maybe a few days in the low 80s with no humidity and a nice breeze.

There you have it; my recipe for perfection.

This past week found me getting little sleep, burning myself out, suffering from fatigue and anxiety. The anxiety is brought on by all there is to do and that's not going to dissipate anytime soon.

That one is what it is.

But while I am going to go hard this week, I'm going to make it all fit in. I have to.

Yesterday, I made bubble bars; only two batches but it's a start.

After this blog, I'll be ordering supplies.

Lots of them and I'll do what I can in the meantime. 

I don't have any answers anymore, other than I know what sidetracks me. It's an anxiety response but I've got to learn to push through these things. I did that yesterday and it was great.

I also avoided phone calls which I feel guilty about but I've got to get this shit done. I can't play.

So today, it's not to much action; some, but not a lot. Ordering supplies, going roller skating. Making some bathbombs.

Making my list for the week and sticking to the motherfucker. 

Next Saturday, I'm out of the game, ya know? I'll be at a wedding all day. 

And after that wedding, I'm not offering help to anyone for awhile. I just can't. I overextend myself and I mean well, it comes from a good place but it's one of the ways I can help myself.

I am OK. I made it through all that shit. 

I managed some ok sleep last night. 

Gotta keep going. Just keep going. 

The three main things I need to do to keep myself sane is:

1. Enforce the sleep thing and no coffee in the afternoon
2. No wasting time with that stupid ass phone game (I just deleted it yet again)
3. Do not overextend myself

I'm not taking calls and I am doing some fun things in between all this.

I don't know you guys; I mean, there you have it. Life is what it is, life is also what you make it. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish.

And so on that note, I'm outta here, putting in an order, then roller skating, then home and bathbombs, then lunch and a movie.

Then plan my week accordingly.

Then bed and then here we fucking go again.

I hope you all have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Crack Is Whack

 

Good Morning,

Sigh. Again. Sigh.

I had the shittiest day yesterday, that I've had in a long, long time. 

I am struggling. I just need to make that known. I am really struggling. It's the prioritizing thing, it's the time management thing, it's the getting sidetracked thing and this is just all fucked up.

The heat means I'm not sleeping and I go down fast when I don't get enough sleep.

So it's all of that warbled together.

There's also the thing that happens in every job I've been in. I can't take the fact that working 40 hours means I have so little time to do what I really want.

And let's talk about the box. Right. You grow up, you get a job, maybe you like the job, maybe you don't. You work 40 hours a week, you buy a house, you put yourself in debt, maybe you have student loans. You work your while life, most of it in debt, you try to save what you can for when you retire, and then fucking die.

Nice.

Yeah, you're supposed to somehow find the time to do some things you love. 

Whatever.

Not all of us fit into that box and for someone like me, who had all this "mental shit" going on, it was torture. It's still torture. We are not built for the box and as much as I wish that the statement, it's all a state of mind were true, it's not. 

People like me suffer.

So I have written well then get this party started, this Willow's Whimsy party started. 

Yes, I want to, yes, I need to. But life happens and there are constant interruptions to that. And it's that, that I really struggle with knowing how to handle.

I'm part of that problem. I said I'd go to a Zoomba class with a friend tonight. I want to go but in the back of my head, there's that voice,"you have to much to do." I hate that voice. The meds I was on for anxiety did help with that somewhat.

But why do I say I will do these things when there are other priorities.

Look, I'm going to make the most of it.

I need to write quickly about what happened yesterday.

I went out for a smoke break. There's a bench out there and on the bench was an empty pack of smokes. I picked it up to throw it away and there was something in the box. A crack pipe. It was made from a weed pipe handle. I could see all the char and shit on it. I smelled it to make sure it wasn't weed. Oh no, it was crack.

Ok, so I wasn't triggered. But I know whose pipe this was and she needs to be gone, she needs to be out of there. I brought it in to give to my coworker, I thought maybe she could watch the cameras to confirm it was the person I think it was...but that guy I had the problems with, and who I still don't like, was in the office and he's trying to act all cool about it and he smells it and he's like, "yeah, that's weed." If it was weed, it would've stunk the whole office up. I just looked at him like the idiot he is and I said, "no, that's crack." And my coworker started joking, going, "do you smoke crack Denise, how do you know what crack smells like" and she kept going on about it. Now while that didn't trigger me in terms of wanting the stuff, it did trigger something because I froze and just stood there while she said this and I couldn't say anything. And then I just did said, "we'll talk later" because the idiot was still standing there. 

There are people I know are in recovery where I work and so I went to one of them and lost it and she brought me up into her office and I was able to cry.

You all know, those of you who have been here through the years, that I used to almost brag about my addiction and oh, look at me, Miss Merry Recovery hardass. And then I'd start using and take all sorts of hostages with me. Drama.

I don't do drama anymore and yesterday was drama.

I did learn something though. Maybe I should've just left the fucking thing out there. Maybe I should've just picked it up and threw it away, maybe the Universe already has a plan for the person it belonged to. Maybe, if I pick something up ever again, I can take a moment before I turn it in...be prepared. 

Anyways, my coworker did come find me and I just told her, "I've lived a life, it wasn't always good." 

I'm not ashamed of where I've been because I'm proud and grateful about where I've gone to, where I am. 

But people do make certain assumptions, there are plenty of stereotypes out there and I wasn't that. I never was. I hung out with that and I left that when I was done but I wasn't that.

And the fact that the idiot was there and now he knows, fuck that.

I'm still upset about it but I'm OK. I was received well by my coworker and she said, "I'm really sorry. I've done things too."

I just keep these things to myself now. It's not a game, it's no longer The Denise Show reruns.

And I was outed. 

I didn't handle any of the situation well but like I said, I played out different scenarios and if you know, if this happens again, it happens again.

I'm going to be late for work today. I already decided that that's OK.

I'm so burnt out. I just want to sleep.

But I have to keep this up for about 4 more weeks and in just two weeks, I'll be able to have an A/C unit blaring so...

Ok, gotta go.

Just send me some happy words or thoughts if you would.

It's a bitch right now. It'll get better.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Feline Feasting

 

Hi Everyone,

Geez, I sit down to blog and I immediately have to go to the bathroom. It's all those cats I ate last night...winky face.

That one is too rich to not comment on or use.

No politics in my blog. Last night was the first time ever that I've watched a debate and it was a good one. 

I may just watch every debate, I found it be very entertaining.

Well guys, I'm running on empty. It's been such a busy week, with no end in sight. I'm going to leave at 2 or 3 today, come home and get shit done. I'll make bathbombs and the bubble bars. I'll get my entire office and all the bedroom stuff packed.

Then I have to go find a mattress for my girl, she can't be sleeping on the floor.

A lot of people are saying that want to come to my open house. So I can't put this one off. I need to make it happen.

Like, I'm in it now. I'm right in it and I need to go for it.

There's just so fucking much to do and I wish I had enough PTO to just take like 3 days off.

Last night I picked Kitty up and took her to her forever home. She's so beautiful. I really want her to have a good life and I teared up because I want her. She's so darling but I also can't. I just can't.

We have a situation at work with a resident and her dog. This shit is hard you guys. It's really hard. I don't understand how families wouldn't want an animal that their now diminished loved one loved so dearly. I would never not take my sister's dog, or one of my kids' dogs or cats. I would take them and love them and honor them.

I don't get it.

I'm feeling sad, overwhelmed, not trusting the Universe. 

I'll be alright. But clearly, my time management skills, or should I say lack thereof, are wreaking havoc for me right now.

Thus, some time off this afternoon.

I have to get back on top of things. I have to.

And that's overwhelming.

But I have had fun this week. The roller skating lessons were great. Seeing my friend Gail when I took Kitty to her was wonderful. Tomorrow I'm doing Zoomba with a friend. It's that damn illusory BALANCE bullshit I'm trying so desperately to obtain.

I gots to go. Peace!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rallying Plus Plan Stan Man

 

Hello,

Y'girl is so damn tired. Like, bone tired, like soul tired. Tired to the core of my existence and all that is. I went hard yesterday and I went hard today. Way over my step count both days, roller skated yesterday and roller skated today. I finally took the class and I loved it. It was a muthafucker though. I sweat more in that class than I do when I do strength training at the gym. But it was fun. It really was. And I already learned some things. This girl that was at the same level as me is so daring and I thought she was younger than me but she was talking about roller skating in the 80s so I was kind of surprised. But yeah, she totally went for everything the instructor walked us through while I was much more cautious and reserved. So fun. And I needed fun today because work took it out of me.

Some days at work are just...take it out of me days and this was one of them. I mean, not because of anything in particular but after lunch, I just hit the decline button and I went down fast. I didn't even hit the button, it triggered it's own damn self. I'm kind of proud of myself, and somewhat surprised, that I was able to rally and push myself to go to the class. And even more shocking, I took a shower when I got home and am in the process of doing my skincare. Two more steps to go and then I can go to bed.

No way around this, tomorrow is going to suck. It's going to suck for a good reason though. Tomorrow is the night I go pick up little kitty and bring her out to my friend Gail. The hardest part for me, is that she lives by the airport. It's a drive but...it's for a good cause. I'm also praying I can rally myself to make it to the gym tomorrow morning as that's what's in the plan Stan for my damn day man. 

Being busy is good, but I haven't learned to be present in it yet. I go from one thing to another telling myself, "It'll all pay off in the end, it'll all pay off in the end."

We shall see young grasshoppah, we shall see.

Ok, I better go. Sleep is already whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I highly doubt I'll write tomorrow but I shall try.

Be Blessed, Dear Boogahs...Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Juice

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning. It's Saturday. I felt the need to tell you that in case you didn't know. Oh my God, man, life has me busy and last night was the first night I actually put some sleep together, almost 7 hours. I'm bummed because the heat is coming back but I'll live.

I think today will still be temperate but after that, it's on as far out as the forecast goes. Meh.

My sweet Grey is sitting on my lap, demanding a purr session. I love that she trusts me. She'll let my daughter pet her but with me, she'll let me pick the crusties out of her eyes and get anything sticking to her coat. She loves her Momma.

I almost ended up rocking her world again. A couple where I work were moved down to memory care and the family was going to surrender her to the Humane Society. Unfortunately, as much as I believe in the work they do, they are not a no kill shelter. And so I said I'd find someone for this little girl. I've met the cat, she's darling and got a lovely personality. But you know, I have 3 cats, we can only have two where we live. So I'm already going into my apartment breaking the rules...but 4? I have called all the rescues and they said that I have to fill out a form, have them do her vetting, then wait to find a foster to take her. I get that they have a process but this girl had nowhere to go. She's staying with family and they don't want her. 

Long story short, a dear, dear friend who just loves her kitties so much, agreed to take her permanently. I am so relieved. Because you all know I would've taken her, and I would've fallen in love with her. So Monday, I need to go get her and drive her out to my friends house.

Two weeks from today, I am going into work, picking up a resident, driving him 3 hours to his daughter's wedding, hanging out long enough for him to eat dinner and then driving him back. I wanted to do this because it's the right thing to do. I'm not going to share this families personal business but his wife, she wanted to be with her daughter and share all the moments and it wouldn't have been possible with her hubby there and with his needs. 

But she is paying me. She insisted. I'm not going to say how much, but it is incredibly generous and with the move coming up, I need as much as I can get. All this and trying to make product.

Today, I have to order supplies to finish out what I want to make for the "debut".

I paid all my credit cards off this morning. I'm going to get furniture today. I got some things last night. I'm going to see what's out there for dining room sets but I'm also willing to look on Marketplace for what I want. I'm not as picky about that. I just want a couch someone else's funky juices might've gotten on or foot germs....ewwwww.

Yeah, I have a fucking list. You called it.

But I'm running out of time and I'm just so bad at managing what little time I have, that...there has to be a willingness on my part to make the effort and I suck at effort. But here we go. I also have a call planned with someone close to me. Tomorrow is nuts; rollerskating, going out to Pagan Pride for a bit, going into work for Grandparents Day, helping out for a couple hours and then home to prepare for my week. It kindof makes me want to cry but my life...it's up to me. 

Alright loves, I'm out.

I will be back tomorrow AM and will let you know if today was indeed, a productive one as I am hoping it will be.

Have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Turn That Frown Upside Down

 

Hi Everyone,

Well, well, well...going to bed early last night must've helped me along. Not so much in terms of energy but in terms of just being able to get through my day. 

I'm blogging twice today because I have to hit it again in the morning. I guess instead of saying I'll blog at night, or I'll blog in the morning, I need to say fuck it, I'll just blog when I blog. Little Miss Rigidity here needs to let go of some shit and just let it work when it works.

Anyways, hard time getting going this morning, I may have wrote that already in this morning's blog. Work was just...weird. I had anxiety but I think that was because the bank I applied for my loan through wanted some further things and I was stuck in a meeting that went longer than it usually does and I just wanted to finish up everything that was requested of me and get it turned in. I should know tomorrow for sure if I get the loan.

But work like I said...just weird. It wasn't anything or anyone in particular. It was most likely me. But it felt weird. Can't quite put my finger on it.

You know, I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. Each day comes to a close and each day, I get to go home after work, like that never changes and I told myself it'll come. Just keep going. 

I did not exercise today but I did get all my steps in. I gave myself permission when I got home from work to just shower right away and do some of the things that were on my list. So I made the last batch of lotion bars, I made tomorrow's dinner, I did a shit ton of dishes, I wiped down the kitchen counters, I took my daughter to get herself some dinner, to pick up her prescription and to grab some more cat food. I finally bought enough bags of their dry food to get a free bad this time and that helps so much right now. Their food is $24 for a bag that lasts about a month.

I agreed to help someone out and it's going to be a big task for me but I can't not help. And because it involves residents where I work, I can't say too much. But I agreed to take a day to help a resident with her husband on their daughter's wedding day. I'm going to pick him up the day of the wedding, driving his wife's car, drive 3 hours to the wedding, care for him while the ceremony is going on, hang out with him at the dinner and the start of the reception/dance and then drive him the 3 hours home.

The wife doesn't have a lot of help and when I heard about this, I just couldn't let it unfold in a way that would cause her to miss her daughter's day or any part of the special moments that come with such a special occasion. She's going to pay me, she insisted, thought I really would've done it simply because it's the right thing to do. I have no idea how much she'll give me but whatever she gives me is just fine. 

So now I've got supplies to still order, products to be made, labeled and wrapped, advertising to go out, the venue rented, I have to find furniture, I have to pack and move and Imma do this wedding gig.

Yeah. I'll be a wee bit busy. One day, one minute if need be, at a time and I will get this done. I'm gonna go a bit smaller with the amount of products than what I had planned in order to familiarize people with my products so that they are primed to buy for Christmas.

But let's not worry about Christmas just yet, let's get through the next month.

And so...multitasking...thus the blog two times in one day. 

I am being positive and when I'm not, I tell myself, "turn that frown upside down darlin', you got this" even I don't got this.

Ok, I just saw that according to the 10 day weather forcast, starting Monday the 9th and going through the 18th, it's going to be hotter than shit out. I can't with this fucking weather and this heat lasting well into most of, if not all, of September.

I have to let this go for now. I have to. It's so upsetting to me. It's more upsetting than thinking about the presidential candidate I hate, winning the presidency. I'm serious as snot right now. The weather is more important to me than which dork is our president. I have no control over the weather. None, nada. 

I have no choice in the matter so all I can do, is plan to dress light, park in the garage at work and just...deal. It's the sleeping more than anything that really upsets me. I just don't sleep during the summer and it's miserable but I'll just try my hardest with that too.

Wanna hear something gross? I kept smelling blood today. And I couldn't figure it out. But then I felt a trickle and I wiped my nose and it was bleeding so I grabbed a kleenex and blew my nose and all this bloody pus came out of it...wtf? I can't even. I don't have time for a pus filled nose. It didn't smell bad or anything...I have a cold sore in my nose right now and I'm sure it's related to that. I can't leave the damn thing alone either and that could've triggered a wee infection but just...ewwww.

K, well on that note, good night, sleep tight, dream happy dreams of tiptoeing through the tulips and I shall be back when I am back.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Pessimism Allowed

Good Morning!

Well, I am sad to announce that it turns out I'm not SuperWoman. It's a disappointment, I know. I crashed last night. Big time.

I was also shoving anything I could get my hands on, into my mouth. I didn't have anxiety or anything, I was just exhausted. 

I got my prescription for sleep filled and wow, I was so damn tired. But I couldn't stay asleep. My daughter had to get herself home though because I was so out of it.

Why can't I just sleep like a normal human being?

I do think part of the exhaustion was the fair and then the getting up and making it to the gym last night. 

I was wiped out my friends.

I got on the scale and luckily that wasn't too bad but all the chowing down last night? Oh, IBS reigns supreme in my world this morning. 

Better to get it out here than to have to deal with this at work.

Yesterday was fairly busy but I have to say, that last hour kills me everytime. There's a resident there who asks me for cigarettes constantly and it's driving me nuts. Yesterday, I told her I only bring two to work and she's like well than let me smoke the last half of that one...I know what it's like but I can't afford my own damn habit let alone keeping someone else in smokes. The key is not to smoke at work or to get in my car and go for a quick smoke drive.

I think this is happening by design. Like, Denise, quit already.

I wish so badly I didn't have to work, there's a lot I could accomplish here at home but I have to push through. That job is what is keeping me going, it's what's made it possible to move and finally live on our own again.

I've been looking at furniture. I don't want to spend a fortune but I know what I want if that makes sense so now it's finding something affordable.

And we need a dining room set; table and chairs (that I'll look for on Marketplace) and a bed for my kiddo.

I won't buy a used couch or mattress obviously. People might've had sex on the thing, their feet may have touched it...I just can't.

Hopefully, by day's end, I'll have some questions answered. 

I applied for a loan to pay the old one off, same bank, and to be able to do some things with Willow's Whimsy, the furniture and to have a little cushion but I have to be smart about how I spend this.

I want it to last long enough for me to have had a few shows behind me and to know what to expect with the company. 

I'd like to have this fucker paid off in a year.

No pessimism allowed here. I'm gonna try at least. And then at least I'll know if I'm really capable of doing this thing but I will tell you this. I didn't have a big list for last night, but there were just a few small things to do and I was too tired, physically and emotionally. 

I need to learn to take care of myself and know when I'm pushing to hard.

But at least I did go pick up my medication.

Alright, I'm off.

Wish me a good day as I do you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Our Time Here is Limited

Hi Everyone,

Here I am at last. It's been a weekend and I did not accomplish anything I wanted to on Saturday, I had plans for Sunday, and today, I was gonna get up and hit it but the Universe had other plans. However, at 1:00 o'clock, I was so disgusted and pissed off about my weekend, that I made a list. Even with that list, it took me almost until 5 to get started but I've got more than half of it done already and of course, this blog is part of that. The only thing I have remaining to do that requires me to be on my feet is to make my food for tomorrow and also to grab my clothes out of the drier when they are done. One of the things on my list is to do a foot massage because holy hell do I need it after yesterday. So I'm doing that while I blog. Might as well multi-task if I can.

I went to the State Fair yesterday. Holy hell. It was the second largest crowd ever to attend the State Fair and that makes sense because it was packed. Never again. I was not miserable because it wasn't too hot and I was with my sister and my daughter and we made it fun. I wore the wrong fucking shoes and I paid. I was amazed though because my sister offered me her shoes for awhile and that was like walking on air. 

It really was a good day.

But my feets are paying and I went on a walk today and did my ab workout but I also took a deep soak in epsom salts and gave myself a pedicure which included a long, hot soak in eucalyptus and peppermint.

Lord.

I made my step count today. Woot muthafuckin' woot.

One of the other things I need to do tonight is to make a list for tomorrow. I'm just simply not going to stop all day until an hour before bed. I'm going to get a book a friend of mine recommended and it's just pure relaxing and reading for that last hour. I also will most likely be blogging in the evenings now. I have so much to do; pack for the move, get ready for my big Willow's Whimsy debut, start shooting my YouTube videos again...yikes.

My friend, my dear friend Erin, lost a friend of hers last night. She was killed by a drunk in a car at work. He ran into the patio portion of the restaurant they all work in. It is only sheer luck that my friend and her daughter were not working last night. This beautiful young woman, who is a mother to 3 lost her life because of some stupid fuck who cares more about his addiction than anything else. Yes, ironic I know, considering that I too am an addict. It is only sheer luck that I never killed anyone, although I did take a lot of cars at bars. But thankfully, no one was in them. 

So how can I judge this guy? I'm trying not to but he killed people. Two people are dead and 3 are in the hospital.

My friend is beside herself. In addition to being good friends with this girl, they worked together and live in the same apartment building, one on top of the other. 

I'm heartbroken, I'm sick. I'm so worried about my friend.

But it made me realize that our time here is limited and there is no guarantee as to when we go. I need to do it all, I need to keep going with time in between for play, so that at least if I die earlier than anticipated, people can say I was trying. Like, I was finally working towards my goals.

I'm strapped for remaining time on my list so I'm going to sign off for now. I'll be back tomorrow night.

Please sleep well. 

Be Safe. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie