Fluctuations

 

Hi All,

Well darn. I got on the scale and I'm like .1 away from the 50lb mark. This one has been a bitch to attain but I mean, I'm not surprised. I fluctuate with my eating and exercising the same way I fluctuate with my energy levels.

Speaking of energy. I seem to have none.

I'll be picking up the hydroxyzine today so hopefully, blissful rest is on the way.

So today, today I have a plan. It's a big plan, lmao. It's a list you know. A big, horrifying list. But it must be done.

No naps either because I've been so tired that I have been doing that again, that damn napping. I can nap when I'm south of the earth damnit.

On a positive note, I doubled my post reads this month. Thank you!!

Everything looks good for the move. Lease is signed. Holy shit. We're really doing this.

Yay, yay!

Um, I feel like I'm not to in touch with myself and what's going on inside...emotionally. But is that a bad thing? I mean, for a little while.

I felt that happiness yesterday. That happiness that comes with helping others and with being productive.

That's still such a new feeling to me.

I like it.

It's just weird but I allow myself to sit in even though it's unknown for me.

Well, listen I have to go. I will be writing tomorrow in the afternoon. My daughter and I are going to the State Fair tomorrow so I just want to be able to enjoy myself and not be stressed with all there is still to do.

So I'm off to live this day and be productive!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ownership

 

Hi Guys,

Geez, I should be ready for work already but I be sittin' here in my jammies. I slept for an hour and a half early last night and then couldn't get back to sleep so was up til midnight. Then I woke up just after 5 but I really do feel ok. 

We had a wicked crazy storm last night, well, afternoon. I was at work when it hit, about to leave. I was going to wait it out but just wanted to get home at that point. Just going from the building to my car, I was soaked to the bone; literally looked like I hopped in the shower fully dressed. Now that's a lovely feeling, soaking wet clothes while driving.

Even so, I made it home safe but my son called me to see if we have a chainsaw. Turns out, his place got hit hard. No damage to the house or to him and his girl and their fur babies, thankfully. But so many trees were down, trees, branches, leaves everywhere. He doesn't have a fence but both neighbors do and both were ripped apart. He said all the damage happened in a two minute period of time. Power is out too.

I went over there this morning to bring them some coffee and look at the chaos. My son went and bought a chainsaw and has been diligently cleaning up.

Holy shit.

We are only five minutes away and didn't have any damage and our power is still on.

There are conflicting reports as to whether this was straight line winds or a tornado but either way...holy shite.

Anyways, I just signed my lease and tonight, I'll have my daughter sign. I'd do it for her but she wants to do as it will be her first lease signing.

I love that she wants to take ownership like that.

I'm so glad it's fucking Friday. And I'm ever more glad that I have Monday off. I better get a shit ton done.

Alright, well, thanks to you all, I am only 9 views away from doubling my blog hit count this month, which I think will happen today but if not, I have tomorrow too so I'll blog in the morning.

Have a great day guys. TGIF!!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Mean, Whatever

Hello Dollies,

How is everyone doing? I hope this post finds you well. 

Blogging a second time because I don't know if I'll have time tomorrow AM.

I just wanna kick some ass and try and get to work either by 8 or 8:30 at the latest. I can't do the 9-5:30 thing, I just can't. 

Anyways, today I had to go into training for work. I'm still not sure why they had me do that. Having been in HR and in Education & Training, I can say that this was not good at all. There wasn't even a welcome to the new employees, no "we're grateful to have you on the team"...nothing. I just thought it was shitty.

I mean, whatever. 

But. Something strange happened to me there. There were a bunch of tables in the training room that sat 2 people per table. A man sat next to me. I am dead serious here, he looked like a cross between James Hetfield of Metallica and Markie Mark (Wahlberg). He had a buzz cut, silver hair. So. Good. Looking.

Of course I picked today to not wear any makeup and to basically look like a slob. But I think he was married. He said, "We just moved here from North Dakota." I didn't get a look at his hand to see if there was a ring. Ok, I was very attracted to him but I wasn't like...feeling anything sexual towards him.

But this was a shock for me, because I've been out of the game for so long and I have not come across anyone that I've felt attracted to. But I was attracted to him. I have no idea what I would even do, or be willing to do, if someone I was attracted to was attracted back. I honestly think by now, I'd probably have sexual dyslexia...it'd be so awkward, like what do I do now, and what next? I can't believe I'm even thinking about it.

For the most part, I don't think I could do it but at least I found someone attractive. It's just the strangest feeling.

Anyways, I don't know. I got an email stating that my new lease is ready to be signed by myself and my daughter. I'm so happy about this. 

It's just this huge relief.

There's a lot to do, a lot. And you know, I just gotta try and keep my feet on the ground right now. 

I'll write more about that soon, about keeping my feet on the ground. About my anxiety. I'm just getting tired and I told my daughter I'd pick her up from work tonight so I need to get going so I can do that and get back here and into bed.

I hope you all sleep well.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Controlling, Invasive Insanity

 

Hi Everyone,

And good morning! Once again, I don't wanna adult. I didn't sleep. I mean, I did go get some edibles and these ones I actually really like. They weren't strong enough to get me to sleep so I ended up a little bit high but it was a relaxing high. These ones come with a mix of CBD and some other stuff too. As soon as I'm done writing, I am going to call in my daughter's hydroxyzine prescription. The stuff isn't that expensive and I did what I wanted to which was to clean my system out so yeah...back to the edibles and hydroxyzine. I think I'm gonna 3 months on sleep meds and one month off. I do better when I drink the CALM stuff too. So it'll be a whole thing but now with the apartment and Willow's Whimsy and working full time, I need my sleep. I so need my sleep.

Yesterday, after work, I went to my daughter's place of work to go in and change some things up with her accounts. Much of her social media has old emails that we don't even have the addresses too. And we went in to change to her passwords and do a security check, and her password is now linked to a What's App account that isn't hers on FB.

I have permission to blog about this. My daughter was in a 4 year relationship. And my daughter...she knows her part in things. I am not going into a he did this and she did that tangent. But to sum it all up, I've always said that when the pain of staying in a relationship exceeds the pain of leaving one, then you'll know it's time, and that's what happened here. So many lies, so many things he got caught in, accusing her of shit she didn't do. It was too much. 

She spent the last 6 months of the relationship trying to set up breaks, you know where they could think about things, do their own thing and then come back and talk but she would waver on that and miss him and so finally she did set a time frame and stuck to it, she saw him for his birthday and their 4 year anniversary but he just kept accusing her of bizarre shit and so she ended it. Permanently. I think because she had wavered before, he didn't take it seriously. But she has stuck to it except that she has unblocked him a few times and she did spaz on him about some posts we all saw. I deleted him because I would see this stuff and hurt for her. But she hasn't seen him, she hasn't given him any kind of encouragement in terms of getting back together. She's done. It's over. 

He came over here to see the cat that we got from his brother's girlfriend. My daughter had a bag of his clothes which were upstairs in her room. He followed me up there when I went to get it and I told him to go back downstairs while I went to the bathroom and then I'd take him home. 

My daughter noticed her purse was missing that night. It wasn't anywhere and she hadn't been out. She didn't bring it to work that night, she left it at home...so I can't say for sure, but...I think when I went to the bathroom, he stuffed it in his pants. Not for sure, it just seems kind of ironic. She had to get a new license, new credit cards, new checking and savings, it was unfucking real.

So it's been two months and she's been working a lot, spending time with friends. She started talking to a guy she new in school and they hung out. All of their communication was on SnapChat which is private. She gets a message from her ex saying, "I know you hung out at some dude's spot. I wish you would've told me, it would've hurt less." 

Explain to me why she should've told him? They are broken up and she's stuck to that. It'd been two months. She told him if you saw some chick, it wouldn't be any of my business. We're not together.

But then we started thinking. how the fuck did he know that? And I did a deep dive last night into all her social media and we found logins that weren't hers and her facebook has a What's App attached to it that she never set up and we need that to change her password.

He's totally all up in her shit. This is unbelievable. So we did set up a new email for her and we put really tight restraints on her old one, two factor authentication and all that shit. But she's going to have to create all new accounts for everything; Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook.

This girl has really tried the last few years and it seemed like the better she got, the worse he got. It's been like watching an impending train wreck. It's so sad but he has no interest in getting help.

And again, my kiddo isn't perfect, nor does she claim to be but I'm her mom. We are very, very close and I have seen the progress.

She's had the same job for over 3 years, she's becoming more aware of her spending and she's stuck with her therapy. I'm very, very proud of her.

We got our own place, we move a month from today. She's going to be paying rent and part of the bills. She's adulting.

She does not need nor does she deserve to have her social media hacked and taken over. We are going to be contacting each of the apps; facebook, instagram, etc. and seeing if we can get her stuff back and remove the shit he did and start over with this new email and security info. 

Just let it be over. She didn't break up with him because she no longer loved him, she broke up with him because she couldn't take the accusations and just psycho shit anymore. 

My girl takes accountability for what she did wrong in that relationship but he never took any. I gave him money to get his car out of impound and he hasn't bothered to pay me back. Truth be told, I kindof knew when I did this, that he wouldn't but...people helped me. It was lie after lie after lie. And she kept catching him and when confronted, it was more lies or denial, never any accountability and now he's pulling this shit.

We are not sure what to do, I guess we'll assess after we find out if any of the apps can help us get her shit back what to do from here. She may end up having to file a restraining order against him. We are truly hoping it doesn't come to that. No one hates him but if he ever loved her, he should let her go. His behavior, while it gets her attention, is only further cementing her decision to leave him, is only diminishing any love she still had for him.

So yeah, added stress for us both. 

Today I have to go into training about an hour away. I don't want to do this.

Oh well...I better go get ready.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I'm Melllllllting

 Hi Loves,

Well, I'm starting this blog Friday. It has been a day! Not a bad day but high anxiety and I'll be fooked if I didn't crank shit out regardless but yeah...I'm elevated.

And I'm so excited. I just hit the final submit button on an application for my daughter and I to move into our own place. This has been a long time coming. We are not in a perfect place for this but we are ready and like I said in a previous blog, sometimes you just gotta jump.

Our time here, it's done. Although my roommate has said several times we can stay until the end of the year, we...it's time.

I was nuts today. I don't know how else to say it. I was shaking this morning and trying to finish the application before I left for work and I broke down to a couple coworkers, both of who were wonderful and said, "you can go home, you gotta do this Denise." 

I didn't go home right away. I literally delivered all the resident packages, then delivered letters that needed to go out that day. I did the OK call list. I attended stand up. I put in an order for office supplies, like I knocked it out.

But that has to stop. I've taken a lot of liberties with this job. 

It's Sunday now. 

I don't know where to begin. I guess I could bitch about the heat for a minute. I know most people can handle being uncomfortable. And I do think it would be different if my room cooled down but it doesn't. When you have this high humidity, you almost have to have the A/C down even further than you really want it, to get the humidity out of the house.

I woke up last night again and it was so fucking hot I wanted to die. This weather is torture for me. I swear, if I can, if I really can, I want to go to Iceland next summer. Most people want the Caribbean and I just want to go to the North Pole. 

Anyways, safe to say that once again, I am all over the place. The dermatillomania has returned. I have an ouch on my hand that is pure gross. Two of them actually, but one is super bad. 

Ok, so I spoke with someone yesterday on the phone for 2.5 hours. This is a close relative but someone I didn't know about, my family didn't either, until I did a DNA test. 

She, like most of the women in our family, has a ginormous personality. As I get to know her, I will need to put time aside because this isn't someone you talk to for 20 minutes.

I will tell this story someday but out of respect for all of us getting to know one another, I am not going to do so now. But I already love her and claim her and I hope she'll do the same with all of us.

I need to get a lot done and I'd like it to be done by 2:00 so I can have time to get ready for tonight's shenanigans.

I'll write about that tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the last of the stupid hot days and it'll go back into the 70s. Honestly, this has been a mild summer for us overall but when the heat hits, I'm done for. I wilt. "I'm mellllllting."

I hope you all have a good day.

If these last few posts seem a bit surface, they are. I don't have the energy to go deep but I do have things on my mind. Too many things. 

Alright, I'm out. Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Do Believe?

 

Hi Everyone,

I so do not want to adult today. I'm not going to write a big thing here about my mom because I did on FB yesterday. My sister came out and she, myself and my daughter spent the day together. We all struggle differently in our thoughts about her passing and we really didn't touch to much on that. We were just together and it was good. Because my sister and I spent so much of the spring and summer together, it's weird not seeing her all the time. It was nice to be with her.

I miss my mom. 

And I go on in spite of that. 

That's really all I've got. 

I also spent a good portion of the day getting to know a family member that none of us knew about and never would have had I not done the DNA test with Ancestry. For reasons of confidentiality, I'm not going to go into all that yet. Time will reveal what the relationship is going to be and who the relationships will form with. For now, just know that if you decide to do the DNA testing, be prepared for anything. Surprisingly, I didn't react with shock, just joy that this person is out there.

This morning, as I paid off things, I am overwhelmed with "me."

Not bashing me, just like, "Dear God, get your shit together."

It's all manageable right now but I need to walk through my relationship with $$.

You know the whole "manifesting" thing. Thinking and acting "as if" makes things happen? I don't know if there's a special energy in that, you know, magic? Or what it is, but ever since Dad died, I seem to get blessed each fall as we approach Samhain, also known as Halloween. Yes, Dan, if you read my blog still, you know exactly what I'm talking about, the veil between worlds thins and communication and blessings with and from those who have crossed over becomes more intense. And I have come to see and count on and believe that Dad helps me during this time. I just do. And sometimes I wonder if I expect it to continue after Samhain, if I could keep up that same belief, if the blessings would keep coming.

There is something to being realistic but there is also something to believing. Peter Pan: I Do Believe, I Do Believe.

I have to get going, I really want to finish the app for the apartment. A 2 bedroom became available and I've been shitpoking around about getting the app in.

Honestly, in this moment, I have so many thoughts racing through my head and it all comes down to the grind again.

Get going girl.

I have much to do before work. Thank the Gods and beyond that it is Friday.

I don't have another work day in me beyond today. I just want to get out of there and come home and relax. But grind.

Bla fucking bla.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Eyes Wide Open; Heart, Mind and Spirit Too

 

Good Morning,

It's Wednesday and I have tomorrow off. Thank God.

I don't know quite what's going on with me. There is a bit of turmoil going on inside me and yesterday, it affected me physically.

I guess I should just state what's going through my mind. It doesn't matter, right?, if it's right or wrong, in fact it's neither, it's just what's going through my mind and the things I'm thinking about.

I know I have a long ass history of starting out great at jobs and then fading. In the past, the fading is because it's so mundane, it's so damn boring. I never felt like I deserved to not have to work when everyone else around me does it, accepts it, etc.

But I have always struggled with humanity thinking this is a healthy way to live and I get that probably most people don't like their job. The pay off is the pay. Very few people get to do what they love to do.

And I had an opportunity to make Willow's Whimsy into a "go". I did. But there are things that got in the way of that. Some of them are "my things", you know, the procrastination piece, like I can see so clearly that regardless of whether I'm doing something I detest or something I love, I will bring me into it. Me goes with me wherever I go.

My daughter and I have been desperately trying to hang in there where we're at. And we go back and forth constantly but I can't do it anymore. I can't write about why. For those of you who used to read this back 5 years ago or so, you already know. I refuse to put hurtful things here.

It's escalated though. And I can't do it. 

So I am faced with a dilemma. And it's huge and has many things to take into consideration. We can move almost immediately if I want to try and make a 3 bedroom work. That's all that's available. 

I also need to take out a loan, mostly for business but also to help with the move and to get settled in and to help with the budget for a bit.

I don't think I can do Willow's Whimsy here. I just don't. You know that saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I mean, I'm there. I need to grind. I cannot do that here. No matter what, I cannot do it here.

My daughter is struggling here too. She leans on me and I'm OK with that. But I've learned that other people's anxiety tends to trigger mine when they are really heightened. That's not there fault. I just don't seem to be able to shield myself and be there for a person at the same time. I would like to get to that place.

Fair or not is not what matters here, not at this point. I need to work and I do not detest my job, it's just that when it's hard, when I have a bad day, it's really bad and it's really hard. I'm back to having tummy shit going on. When something affects me so deeply that I start having physical symptoms, yeah, I do have to look at that but quitting isn't an option and won't be until I am making from Willow's Whimsy half of what I make at my job. Then I'll go somewhere part time which will open up more time for Willow's Whimsy. 

But like I said, I have finally accepted that it's not going to happen here. It's not going to happen at all. So. 

I know I'm probably going to apply for the 3 bedroom, I know I'm probably setting myself up for failure. I know all this. I'm not living in denial about it anymore. 

I also know I will be switching one kind of stress for another. However, and I think this does matter, I will be able to do the things I love. I will have freedom from some things and more importantly, so will my daughter.

So, here we go guys and we're in for a ride and if I don't grind, I will fail. It's really all up to me and yes, I have things, mental health shit, that gets in the way and fucks everything up almost every goddamned time. I cannot be in denial.

Eyes, mind, heart and spirit wide fucking open here.

I am terrified. Not gonna lie.

I still believe in miracles but I no longer rely on them.

I believe that the Universe, the Gods, they help those who help themselves and sometimes, they make it really fucking hard, they withhold until you are broken and reshaped into something new so I know that too.

I'm about to walk through the fire guys. I will write about this journey every step of the way. Yeah, my stomach shit, it's stress. It fucking hurts again.

I did meditate today. 

I'm off to begin this next leg of the journey, which includes going to work. I need to keep my current end game in my sight.

To be 100% self supporting, to be my own boss, to have a successful business that will allow me to comfortably pay my bills and to travel and spend time with loved ones until I leave here, and when I do, to leave a legacy of the grind and all that love.

So here we go. I'm so fucking scared. But today, I will jump.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

As Clean As Possible

 

Good Morning,

It is a good morning. But I'm a bit wavering. I'm out of sorts I guess you could say. I'm still going to have a good, full day.

Sometimes, you have to make a decision that this is how it's going to be. I'm not sure why I seem to be struggling a bit but there is the fact that the full moon will be here tomorrow. There is the fact that I got so much done yesterday and I tend to be someone who crashes the day after a productive day. But while that's often been the case, I can rewrite that. It's just one of many storylines after all.

So when I'm done with this blog, I will jump into this day. 

I got so many things organized with my products yesterday. So many things.

So I won't go into what I'm going to be doing today. I do have some fun things planned. It'll be good. But I also want to make at least my lotion bars. I never did find the recipe book I made for my products. I know the basics of it but I will have to look up a recipe and then tweak it with the things I usually put in mine. Because mine aren't basic. Mine are really good.

I took a nap yesterday and it was because I was genuinely tired from being out late the night before and getting under 5 hours of sleep and then working hard yesterday. I was worried that I wouldn't sleep and I did wake up quite a bit but was able to go back to sleep. Still no sleeping meds and while it's been hit or miss, I'm surviving it.

Having not taken the edibles in almost two weeks, I can say that I do feel a little brighter, a little clearer so that's my answer as to the edibles.

I just want my body as clean as possible. 

Ack, I am going into work today to talk to the person who has so loudly disrupted my peace. I'm trying not to work myself up about it. I will do this. It's not drama, it's me standing up for me. I'm responsible for not making it an attack but I do have every right to state my boundaries.

And I guess on that note, because I'm feeling like I've already wasted my whole day, which is stupid because it's only 8:42AM, I better just jump in.

I hope you all have a gorgeous day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Metallica Minneapolis 72 - Give Me Fuel, Give Me Fire Baby

 

Good Morning,

I had to look and make sure it is indeed still morning and it is. 

Ok, welllllll....

Metallica.

First off, as you know, I didn't sleep well the night before last. So I was pretty tired at work. But I pushed through. 

I made a decision also. I'm going to talk one on one with the person I've been struggling with. I think that he'll hear me but I also think I am going to have to literally tell him he cannot speak while I am speaking, that he needs to first hear me out. You know, I do know that if he hears me out, I'll have to listen to him too. When really all I want is an apology and his word that he'll honor what I need from him, which is to basically back down, tone it down (at least with me) and truly understand that I don't want a friendship, I don't want unasked for opinions or commentary. What I do want, is a good working relationship and to find a middle, common ground at work.

I am only going to focus on the specifics; his actions and not who he is. This isn't an attack. This isn't to "put him in his place." This isn't to shame him about who he is.

This is...please do not do these specific things. I also don't owe him an explanation as to why the things he does affect me so deeply either.

I am going to do this tomorrow, after rollerskating. I was going to do this today but I'm kindof on a good jam this morning with being productive so I'm going to keep that up.

We'll talk about that in a minute.

The concert was great. Musicians of all kinds blow me away. The process of creating music. Where does that come from? And I so wish I had the ability to do that. To me, the type of music doesn't matter, I love everything. Even John fucking Denver man. 

Anyways, the showmanship last night? I can't even. You see these men that you kindof grew up with even though you don't know them personally. And of course now, with social media, we get to also see their humanity and the fact that they aren't Gods. They too journey through and just because they have been blessed with this talent, they...are human. We all have talents, maybe they aren't as big, maybe they are more subtle in their amazingness. But we have them.

Music to me, doesn't come from DNA. It's a spiritual gift. It's a thing that calls. I have always said that for those of us who have zero musical talent, there is "talent" in hearing music, in loving it, in letting it take you over and take you away, in lifting you up, in bringing you back down to earth, in believing in things that we can't quite see in this realm.

Seeing James Hetfield up on that stage, seeing Lars and Kirk and Robert, and this...thing that happens when they come together in creativity. I cried. 

I love too, that James has shared his "journey" with people, whether through documentaries, social media, whatever, ya know? His smile is just so genuine and yeah, I will never meet this human but I just love that he cares about his fans and that he's willing to share his humanity because I'm willing to bet it has helped people.

Anyways, it was a great show, amazing even. 

I did experience some anxiety over a few different parts of the evening. I made it through that. I need to start telling people what could potentially happen with me in certain situations and what I'll need from them. Just something I noted.

And something I'm happy I noted because it means I'm starting to understand myself, I'm starting to want to be OK and to know and be ok with the fact that I can let people know I have limits. It doesn't matter what they think, it matters that I take care of myself.

Yeah you guys. Good stuff! I am so glad I went.

So today I had a list but ya wanna hear something hilarious? The Universe said, "man, fuck your list." cuz I can't find that shit anywhere. LOLOL. I'm always saying stop with the list. So I did have a plan though and it went in a whole different direction. Somewhere in this house, I have a folder with recipes for some of my products. And I can't fucking find it.

So. I stayed calm and just started moving stuff and organizing stuff as I go. And it's turning out to be a whole thing so even though I'm not doing what I wanted  to  be doing, I'm getting something else that's been on the back burner accomplished and I'm trusting the Universe's guidance. 

It's so much better, life, everything, when you align yourself with the flow instead of fighting it.

So. Much. Better.

So that's what I'm doing and I'm just gonna go with that until I'm either done or it's time for bougie bath and picking up my lovely daughter from work and going to bed.

So there you have it. Thank you so much for reading.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

2:22AM

 

Goooooooooood Morning Minnesota,

I've been up since 2:22AM. Blah.

Whatevah.

I think I'm hyper because I'm going to see Metallica tonight and I'm excited. I'm leaving right from work. My friend Jeannie is going to pick me up and we'll head straight there.

Finally.

I've been waiting for this. I'm going to be in the same space as James Hetfield. I feel like a teenager, lol. 

Oh you guys, truth be told, I'm going through it.

Most of you know what I've been dealing with at work. I finally talked to my boss about it yesterday. She was very validating but this whole thing is so fucking humiliating and I'm angry that I've even been put in this position.

I really think this dude is harmless. I do. But does that mean that I have to put up with his shit? You know, I was thinking about the whole victim thing. I shy away from that now because I lived many years from that point of view and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think I might be back there. But in mulling it over, you know I realized something. You can be victimized and yet not be a victim. I have been bitching about it to one coworker in particular and it's not that she's unsupportive, but I think she doesn't want to hear it.

Which is OK.

I know this isn't about me because he does this to all the women but they also are mostly married and so I think he's pushed the envelope with me because I'm single.

I was talking to my roommate this morning, we haven't crossed paths all week and he was surprised to see me up but I told him that I spoke to my boss yesterday and he said that I did the right thing. I feel better having heard that from a man. He doesn't think I'm being ridiculous, he thinks this guy is an idiot. 

And you know, that is what it comes down to. He was telling a resident about his travels yesterday and she asked if he went with someone and he says, "No, I do everything alone." And you know, I don't play the self-pity game anymore and maybe that was just a statement but I felt that it was made for my benefit, like I'm supposed to feel bad. I could write out everything he's done and said but I got shit to do this morning. Lots of shit to do.

He's immature, he's egotistical as hell, he's passive aggressive, he imposes himself on people and shares his opinion when it's not asked for.

You know, like I said, I'm not afraid of this guy but his behavior has triggered some unhealed part of me and my anxiety has literally been through the roof and yeah, now I'm the one who has to get help and walk through this.

My boss said she didn't want to talk to him alone, that she was going to involve some higher ups but she must've said something because he left me the fuck alone the rest of the day yesterday. It was such a relief.

As women know, we take on this guilt when the ownership of that guilt should be on the shoulders of the person acting out. I have nothing to feel guilty for. I have done nothing wrong. I never expected in a million years, at my age, to be in the middle of a situation like this. The Gods are honing me once again. Maybe so I don't have to come back to this place again...meaning in my next life.

But I've pretty much decided to stop talking about it to any of my coworkers no matter how close I feel I may be getting to one of them and just...let the people who really know me, give me support and advice. She probably thinks I'm overreacting, at least that's the feeling I get and you know, I'm cool with keeping it professional. I have a lot of support. I keep saying that but I do and I'm grateful. 

Time to let the drama of it all, just go and if nothing is done about it, if nothing changes, I'll leave. I have found that this job causes me a lot of sorrow anyways. I think it's too close to mom and her situation and next Thursday is the one year anniversary of her death so I've been hanging in there thinking that maybe this sensitivity will pass once that date passes.

And now it's 6:30 so I gotta get me arse moving.

Life though, right?

Be Blessed!

Love & Light,

Neecie

What Color is Emotional Vomit

 

Hi Everyone,

Good morning! I started this blog yesterday AM and did not finish but it's important to me to post where I'm at on a given day so I am going to keep this up. When the font changes colors, we are in today and what I'm posting this morning.

Well. I am feeling a bit chagrined. Because yesterday was dramatic. It was. But at least it wasn't intentional. When I feel like I felt yesterday, I tend to do the emotional vomit thing and yeah...I did that. 

And now today, I'm better. Having a hard time motivating myself, but I am better.

Last night, I got home and no one was here but then my daughter called. She had gotten a color and a haircut and wanted to show it to me. She's darling. She's very slowly going to go blond, I haven't seen her blond hair in years so I'm excited. She's been black for years so they have to go slow. Her hair is still very dark but a bit of red came through (because of the lighter brown on black) and it's stunning. But I have wanted to see her as a blond for soooooo soooooo long. It'll take her over a year of color to get there but it'll be fun to see the changes as they occur.

I needed to get some exercise in so I danced after she called to say she was coming over and after she left, I did some yoga.

Some of my clothes are already getting loose on me. My new clothes. Here we go again but it's good. It's all good. I'm going to refrain from buying new stuff until my current clothes are hanging on me.

I did get in a shower and skincare too. Yes.

I was thinking yesterday, last night actually, about what happened to me yesterday. I still have these big emotions. They won't go away without meds. But also...you know, I have a lot of stuff I "stuff." And it's not an unwillingness to deal with shit, it's more like, "I don't have time right now." But the problem with that, is that it then comes out when it wants to and I bleed all over everything.

And I have gotten much better at dealing with them but it's embarrassing, the shit I still do on FB when I'm in spiral mode. I really have to stop doing that.

Drama.

I felt much, much better by the time I went to sleep last night. I did eat a piece of cheesecake though, lol. 

It was so good to just have some time alone last night. So. Fucking. Good.

I will say too, that I am feeling overwhelmed again and I'm trying to...

Get my head on straight.

Here's what I mean by that. The thing that has always happened to me...in school, at work, with my business; I get clustered up. I get too many things in my head. While I have an amazing long term memory, my short term sucks so things slide, they get fuzzy, messed up and confused. I have no idea what that is. I suspect but cannot say definitively, that it's a combination of ADHD and anxiety. 

So I miss things; I forget things. I slept well last night, still without  meds here, and the first thing I thought was, "shit, I forget to bring (so and so), her fob band."

This is one reason meditation is so important in the mornings for me. It helps me to become present and it helps to quiet the "confusion" and "chaos" in my head enough to be able to prioritize on some level and to get things done. My MO has always been to give in and do something fun or something that's interesting to me.

I'm also just...you know that line in Stairway to Heaven where Robert sings, "there's a feeling I get, when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving..." that kind of describes my whole life; always looking off in the distance, yearning for what I don't know.

So yesterday. It ended up good. It really did. I did not exercise in the morning. But my sister called me and we were talking and laughing as she was driving over here. She still likes to sometimes be here to work. I am 100% ok with that. It makes me happy to come home, (she's usually gone by the time I get home), and know that she was here. I was used to seeing her literally almost everyday. But I got to see her yesterday and we were happy and laughing and talking. I gave her a big hug before I walked out the door. Now that's the way to start a day.

So work was doable yesterday. It seemed that yesterday went very quickly, but it always does when I have a full plate of "duties" so to speak.

And when I left, I found that I did not want to go home. Not at all. I'm getting antsy, I want my own place and my daughter does too. But we talk each other down. It's not quite time. I know where we're going to move and right now they only have a 3 bedroom available. 

Neither one of us has really buckled down and gone over a budget and what that would look like, nor are we saving a shit ton of $$, which is why we chose to stay here for now; so we could save.

Anyways, I digress. I uh, I didn't want to go home. So I chose instead to stop at this junction before the highway that is along the Mississippi and has paths, etc. and I went for a walk, it was so beautiful. I sensed some deep energy there. There are places in our world, that I feel are gates. Gates to other. I've only found a few of them in my life and this was one of them. I don't know, just some Sacred energy.

Loved it.

I picked up a few trinkets along the way. I always ask permission and I always say thank you. I saw so many trees that had come down but were so amazing in form. There is one, she is so beautiful and I don't give a shit what people will think, I plan to go to her again and sit in front of her and meditate.

I was so drawn to her.

But then you'll proud of me because I still didn't want to go home so I went to Bath & Body and I did not buy a single thing, I just looked and wished. I mainly only buy their candles and their accessories. They have some amazing Halloween stuff. But I refrained folks!

Then my friend Erin called me and we talked until I felt like going home and then my daughter and I spent a little time together and off to lala land went I.

This morning has been quiet and slow but good.

But now...I have one precious hour left before I have to leave.

And so off I go.

I have no idea, other than lack of sleep, what got me so worked up the other day. Maybe I don't need to, maybe it's not something deep, maybe, well no not maybe, I am grateful it didn't last, that it was fleeting, I didn't have to stay in it and go nuts. I flowed right through and yesterday I was better and this morning anyways, at least in this moment, I have that feeling of hope, gratitude and contentedness again. 

I hope you are able to feel these things as well today. They are so good. I do, I wish that for everyone who reads.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Flagging Defences

 Hi Guys,

I posted this from somewhere other than my home computer so don't have access to my logo.

Here is today's post:

Hard day for me. I didn’t sleep last night but I have come far enough to know that:

A: I can go awhile without it, I’ll live

B: If I have to, I will start taking meds again – But I am really hoping I won’t have to

C: I’m not against meds anymore. But it’s expensive. I will have to figure that out

D: If I go into crisis due to lack of sleep, I have to reach out for help

 

I don’t want to ever revisit past choices. Never. Ever. Again.

 

And so if I go into crisis, yes, I have to let people know…

 

But I’m having a hard time in other respects. You know, I do like my job. It’s easy task wise but, uh, emotionally, it just gets me.

 

My job is basically that of a receptionist. No big deal, right? Except that I work with people who confide in me, who rely on me, who use me as first point of contact for complaints, concerns and fears.

 

I see on a daily basis what dementia does to a person, as if I didn’t live it already with momma and really, what momma went through was nothing compared to the level that is experienced by some.

 

I not only observe what the residents go through but I get to know the families too. They share their pain, anger, fear and sorrow with me.

 

I’m not going to name the organization I work for but I will say as far as my experience with Mom goes, this place is by far the best I’ve experienced. However, it’s not the same as having the $$ to have someone care for your loved one at home, one on one.

 

It’s nowhere near the same. But I hear from the caregivers too. I honestly don’t know how they do it.

 

For me though, all I can see is how these people got ripped off. I see and feel all the hurt of all the people affected.

 

You know, I always tell people I was such a little monster when I was young and truth be told, I was. But there’s another truth too. I was empathetic beyond my years too. I was very, very sensitive. I cried at sad movies, I wanted to comfort others in pain.

 

I remember one time mom had probably been feeling overwhelmed with the 3 of us and she was on her bed crying and I came in and I rubbed her back and her feet and I sang to her. It freaked me out that my “rock” was hurting and I just wanted to sooth her and make her feel better.

 

And my teachers almost always described me as a paradox; angry outbursts which sometimes turned violent, negative attention seeking, not attentive enough and yet…so sensitive and wanting to help and also defending the “underdog.” I was always described as wise beyond my years.

 

And you can poo poo this if you want, I don’t frankly care, but that is why I believe I’ve been here before.

 

So while I have learned to regulate these big feelings and to even sit in peace and quiet and “serenity” (which I have described recently as a feeling of contentedness), the daily onslaught of the feelings, hurts, pains, fears of others hits me hard and me defenses are flagging.

 

And so too, is my fear that this will happen to me. I forget so much and this morning, I forgot the words to the prayers I say and it freaked me out. I literally sat there for 10 extra minutes until I got them all right and I had to really talk myself off the cliff with this…like I didn’t get enough sleep and I’m never on my game when I don’t sleep.

 

But that screwed with my head big time.

 

And it’s 9 days…9 days until it’s been a year since Momma left us; her children and her grandchildren. I know she wouldn’t have wanted to, there was no choice, death…it’s relentless. I miss my mom. She was my person, often times to a degree that wasn’t healthy but I put her in that position, it wasn’t her fault. She was too loving to set boundaries. I’m not okaying it but her heart was just so caring. I blame that shit on myself.

 

I think I probably need to take next Thursday off. And I’m going to. I need to. I have the time.

 

I am going to the gym after work because I was too tired to do it this morning but no one will be home tonight so I am going to get home from the gym, shower and then do yoga and cry and cry and cry.

 

Yes. I am a fucking cry baby. Most days I don’t even know why. But I guess if I need to, I’ll just do it cause apparently it gets some shit out, I guess it’s a release, right? But it could also be my mental disorder as BIG feelings are a part of that.

 

It is so needed to have some time alone. I don’t get it often enough. My darling girl texted me to remind me that I would have that tonight, my roommate won’t be home until 9, which is not the norm, so I’m going to make the most of the time alone.

 

Yay for alone time.

 

Please send good vibes, prayers, reiki, all the “stuff” for a good night’s sleep tonight. I do better when I sleep.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Be Present

 

Good Morning!!

How is everyone this Monday AM? It's back to the grind, right? I'm trying to not look at that in the negative. I'm trying to look at it as a stepping stone to bigger things. I'm trying to look at it as temporary, a means to an end. My time will come.

I had a great weekend. Saturday, even though it's not an exercise day, I went for a walk. I had a list, I know we've talked about that and I didn't finish it, but I came close and that was OK. I let it go. 

You guys, I finally made the lotion. It's a good one. It's pretty light weight but moisturizing. I'll be making body butters for people who want to pack a bigger punch into their routine. 

I usually use lotion in the AM and a butter in the PM.

Anyways, it was the most humbling thing. I cried. Happy tears. I have procrastinated doing this, probably out of fear that it wouldn't work. But I did it, and it worked. I'm going to take it to work today and have the gals try it and see what they have to say.

So I went to bed feeling pretty damn grateful, a little bit of healthy pride, and content.

That word though...content. Content is good. It's peaceful, it's calm, it's not "high". I like not high.

Yesterday, I woke up simply knowing my day would be good. It would be busy but it would be good and it was so much more than that.

I went for a walk, I did some of the things that I didn't get done on Saturday, I did my makeup, I went rollerskating, I talked to Erin for about 25 minutes, I went axe throwing with my son, then I met up with two of my tribe, Tracy and Andrea, and we saw the play "Kinky Boots" and it was so amazing. There's a little theatre in Anoka right on main street and I've always wanted to go see a play there. Andrea invited me as she lives down south and flew up. So she, Tracy and I went and we loved it. It really was fabulous.

Then I came home, picked up my daughter and we went back into downtown Anoka (it's literally 2 minutes from me) and had mexican for dinner. 

I came home and showered and put on a sheet mask facial and layed in my daughter's bed and watched an episode of Sex And the City. We laughed.

I love that show. If you have watched it, comment on the blog post on my Willow's Whimsy page and tell me your favorite episode. Both my daughter and I love the episode where Aidan and Carrie are staying in the woods in a cabin and Big comes and him and Aidan get in a fight. It's so funny.

Anyways, I was absolutely exhausted. I went to bed at 8:15!!!

I slept good. See, I'm learning that I don't need meds. I'm learning that I can do this sleep thing with consistency and dedication. I just have to stay busy until an hour before bed time and then I halt everything and force myself not to go to sleep but to read or to watch a show or whatever and give it an hour so my body realizes what's happening and I just sortof let my tiredness wash over me.

I don't know, is there a theme to this post? I think I'm just saying, do what you gotta do, don't procrastinate, throw yourself into whatever you do, be present for it.

I am so grateful for the entire day and for the opportunity to hang out with my son.

So here I go; yes, I walked this morning, I did a little ab workout and I did some yoga for my back. I meditated!

I'll tell you all about today...tomorrow.

I truly hope you all have an amazing day. I hope you feel some joy. I hope you feel some peace. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Don't Question It

 

Good Morning,

My Grey is sitting on my lap so I'm all hunched over trying to type and I must say, it's a bit difficult. Perhaps if I give her some love, she will have had her fill for the morning and I'll be able  to do this comfortably.

Nope. Still on my lap, purr at 100%. Oop, she went for me. She gets overstimulated and bites. But she never breaks the skin. 

Ok, she moved. My leg hurts. I've had weird pain in my right leg, like the femur bone I think, for years. I don't know if I hurt it at some point and didn't notice but it'll be something I get looked at once I get insurance at work. I could've signed up when I started but I didn't want to pay for it yet.

I had a good day yesterday. My daughter and I went to a play downtown Minneapolis on Thursday night. We saw Little Shop of Horrors and they did a great job. It was so good and funny and the singing was amazing. My daughter kept thanking me for bringing her. 

We got home late and I ate late, which I rarely ever do, except for the wake up snacking which is going this week. I'm not going to get on the scale until a week from now and see what really knocking it out will do for me.

Anyways,  I digress. In spite of being ridiculously tired, I had a good day. I was able to go on a pretty steady pace at work and get a lot done there, the day went fairly quickly, no long stretches of boredom trying to find something to do. And I have a list for Monday already. Yeah, I know, a list but for work, it's OK. Truth be told I have one for today too.

But I want to talk about yesterday. I got home and I didn't feel drained, I didn't feel overly tired. I felt energized. So I cleaned a bit and got some of the things that were on my list for today, done ahead of time. I showered and then my daughter got home from work so we talked a bit and I went to bed. But I realized at one point, "hey, I feel happy."

Happiness for me, in the past, could be this big trigger because happiness for  me, was an almost manic kind of happy.

I've been assessed multiple times and I do not have bi-polar. But I do have a diagnosis, and big ass feelings come with it. So happiness was like a high and it almost inevitably led to me using my DOC. Bender time, big time.

And I suppose there's a psychology behind that. Self-sabotage because "I don't deserve to be happy" shit.

Or just not being able to handle such a huge feeling. I don't feel like "normal" people. I feel extra. It's a problem.

But...it's a problem that's been getting better. I still cry a lot but I don't question it. I just cry...who knows why.

But last night, I realized I felt content again. And it's a peaceful happiness. Gratitude and self-love are a big part of it and I didn't freak out, I sat in it. I let it in. It wasn't a big deal either. I just let myself have that experience. 

It was so cool.

I was a little thrown off this morning because I assumed that my roommate worked this weekend and my big  plans for today were sortof contingent on that but it's ok, it is. I still am doing laundry, I still am going to do all the things I want to do.

It's not that I don't like him, I love him so much, it's just that I'm so private and it's hard for me to put good energy into certain things when someone is here, around me. 

And I decided something. I'm rewarding my ass when I have "perfect weeks". When I get everything done, when I put myself out there, when I make progress. The reason for this is that you know, I like "stuff", I like things. I made a list of things I can reward myself with and it's only one reward per paycheck and it can't exceed an amount I've set. If it's more than that, then the reward is putting money in savings until I can afford it. An example of that is that I want a standing jewelry cabinet. I know what I want, I know what I want it to look like...I just haven't found one but the ones that come close, they are costly. So if I want that, it's gonna take a few paychecks to save for it.

But yeah, it can be jewelry, a concert, makeup, crystals, whatever. 

I've always been  about instant gratification and there is still some of that in this but at least it'll be because I've achieved something.

I'm trying to change my attitude as soon as it rears it's invasive head. I can go into a fugue at times. It's a form of denial and I am to justify things (spending on things) that I can't afford.

But now my little rewards will be part of my budget and they won't be out of control and they won't be put in place to cover up feelings of inadequacy or of being overwhelmed or even just outright defiance. Because the defiance is towards myself and that's stupid. I know I shouldn't use the word stupid but com'on, let's call it like it is...which...is stupid.

Ok, so today is for working on products and getting some other things done. I'm going into work for an hour to train someone. She doesn't know I'm coming. I hope she'll be receptive. 

Yeah, it'll be full but tomorrow should be amazing for so many reasons and so I won't blog again until tomorrow evening so I can tell you about my day and how it plays out and I'll let you know how today goes too.

So.

You all have a great day, OK?

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Free From the Shackles

 Hi Guys,

Ok, so I deactivated my previous blogs. We're starting at day 1 again. I just want to incorporate Willow's Whimsy into this...and it's the whole deal; mental, spiritual, emotional and physical growth, ya know? So often, I write in detail about my daily goings on and my IBS and all that but I don't really get into the deeper parts of me and what I'm really trying to do here is to write about my struggles and what I'm doing to get beyond them and to thrive.

So what's going on with me?

As far as my struggles, I need to first say that I have come so far. And I think I need to honor that more. I still get into the self-bashing stuff. I am not who I was 20 years ago. I have to remember that who I was, was not "bad". Cuz I've lived much of my life from that perspective too; I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I don't measure up to others, etc. And I self sabotage too as if to "prove" these thoughts to myself. I'm not so much there anymore.

Ever since I crashed yet again a year and a half ago, I have been on this journey. You all know I hate the word recovery. I do use it when I explain to new people that I don't drink but I hate that word. Maybe I need to blog about that. Dig in a little deeper, I'm not sure.

The big things right now is getting my spending back under control, to live on a budget, to get physically healthy and that includes quitting smoking once and for all and exercising, etc. My IBS has reared it's ugly head again and that is hard to take. But it's because of my own actions with food and I don't say that to demean  myself, it's factual, it's OK. I'm not "bad" because of it, I just struggle.

So there's that.

Follow through is hard for me and my list making is a part of that. I have got to stop thinking so rigidly. My thoughts and my actions do not match up. I need to get that shit in alignment.

I'm scared of a lot of things. 

Surprisingly to me, maybe not to those of you who have been reading for so long, one of the biggest things I'm afraid of is men. And yeah, I have a situation I'm working through. But I believe "situations" are put in our path as an opportunity for growth. I don't like this person, I don't want him near me. 

I think he's harmless as far as physical stuff, it's more the way he is and how he imposes himself upon people. There are some huge red flags for me with this one. 

I do not have to have this person in my life. It's not even an afterthought, it's just truth. I do however, have to have him in one part of my life so I need to learn to deal with that in a way that's not harmful to myself. Cuz you know, things backfire and I'm just so goddamned sensitive to the actions of others.

But this is a "him" problem, not a "me" problem. It's OK really to just be me and not give him any attention or power, he is who he is and like I said, there's no physical threat.

I need to get going here but let me just say that the other thing; it's my feelings about my step-monster, The Mishelob.

I'll explain that name later. I have very different thoughts on forgiveness now. You know, that's this huge catch word; forgiveness. 

The bottom line is I no longer believe anyone has to "forgive" anything. What I believe is that we need to let things go though. She's out there probably living her best life and she does not give a shit about me or someone else who doesn't deserve that. I won't speak for that person but she too, does not deserve the way that woman has behaved. 

No, it's not about forgiveness. For me, forgiveness comes when the person see's the harm they have caused, when it affects them deep down inside and so they want to change and they do change. That has not happened here. Realistically, it will probably never happen. But my point is, I am not a thought in her mind, yet she is mine. I have lots of thoughts. So..rather than forgive, I need to let go and I'm going to work on this in my life, on this blog and in my videos.

Letting go seems doable to me. I have the key to unlock the chains I've bound myself to her with. The chains are mine, the lock is mine and so is the key.

So these are some of the biggies I need to work on. And I will process that here. At the end of the day, I know it may help someone else. 

And very surprisingly, over the past 6 or so years. I have discovered something about  myself...I am a helper. I've had to put boundaries on this but yeah, I have a deep desire to help others.

So if helping myself and healing myself helps others to do the same, then that's a fucking bonus man. A big, huge bonus.

So on that note, I have to go do the grind and believe that the grind means something. That it'll pay off.

I'm so grateful to all of you who have stuck by this blog, and me, all the years that I have been doing this blogging deal.

Let's be truthful, this has changed to, it has "become" and is still "becoming".  It's better than it once was, that's for sure. It is no longer weaponized. It's just me, little Neecie girl, trying to live in a place of happiness and joy, free from my self-imposed shackles.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie