Fear/Control

 

Hi Everyone,

You know what? Let's call a spade a spade. I have just been so crabby and so tired lately.  I don't want  this to be a bash on myself session but you know, if I'm truthful, I really didn't do anything I set out to do with this time off and I got in my head again and things really have been so much better but man, I can talk myself out of anything, anything.

Denial of my situation, denial of where things are really at, denial of consequences...I'm still doing that. And it's nothing compared to what I used to be in denial about, I'm not "up" to anything but just life stuff and the procrastination with me...ugh.

I am lazy. I always have been. But...I also grind but only when I have to and when I look at my friends, I'm like...sheesh, where does that energy come from because I've never had it, except in spurts, and as far as motivation...I do not have sustained motivation.

I need to put up signs everywhere with words like:

• Endurance
• Consistency
• Belief
• Faith
• Perseverance
• Persistance
• Inspired

You get the gist.

I need to do that or I need to type those words out and read them every morning and every night and I think I need to make a list of my end goals and dreams so I know what I'm working towards.

Tonight, my daughters' grandma is coming into town and she's going to be here for the next two nights because my oldest daughter's reception is tomorrow. So we will be meeting for dinner tonight and then I'll go to their hotel tomorrow so they can follow me out to the location.

My baby took a behind the wheel drive yesterday and feels really good about it so I let her drive us to the store last night and she did good with that too.

So hard for me give up that control. I feel like I'm trapped when someone else is driving. It's a total fear/control thing. 

She did good though. I'm proud of her.

Ok, well, Oh...yeah. I got a job, lol. I'm excited and happy about it. I'm going to HAVE to work on my time management though, not at the job, but before and after, and I am going to HAVE to get to bed at a decent time.

Alright, we all know that drill...time to stop talking and start doing and I must remember:

There is no try.

There is only do.

Have a great day!! Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecoe

Winning!

Good Morning :)

How is everyone today? I hope this post finds you well. 

As for myself, I'm just kindof bla. I seem to be depressed. Depression is so weird. Sometimes, it's the sad, crying kind of depression and I did have that this morning and sometimes it's just...no energy, no motivation, no nothin'.

The weather has been everywhere. But it's the heat that's killing me. It hasn't been steady, there have been breaks in it but holy Lord, it has been affecting my sleep. We do have a full moon and the Solstice coming up, both which majorly affect my sleep. So odds are I have another few nights of not enough sleep.

But today, I at least have been getting some things done; I meditated, I took my bougie bath, I pooped 5 flippin' times, on my second load of laundry, cleaned out the cat boxes, got the dishes rinsed and in the dishwasher, threw all the cig butts out and into the garbage for tomorrow (garbage day).

The key for me, at least one of them, is to not give the sadness and low motivation any energy. Like, it happens and it doesn't always have to be evaluated. If it was ongoing, then yeah, evaluate away but I know myself and I generally cycle through this shit relatively quickly.

Just, yeah, I try not to give it any power. 

Oh, I also scheduled another interview. I had one yesterday and it went very well, I'm still waiting to hear back on that one.

I'm ambivalent about it at this point. I want a job, but I can't sit here and agonize over it, ya know? I just can't. And so...I go on with my day. Every day. Shower, rinse, repeat.

And when fun things, or happy things, happen, I make a note to keep it in my heart and store the memory for when I need it.

I drove my son out to pick up his car as it was in for repairs and that kid, he had me laughing so hard, my abs hurt today. If only I could have a good dose of him everyday. Laughter just makes everything so much better, it takes the weight off...like things don't seem as heavy. 

And my youngest is going through some hard stuff. She had to make a hard decision and she made it knowing that it's final. Letting go of something that is hurtful isn't always easy, there's loss and grieving but when something hurts more to keep going, than to be without it, and you've done everything you can to try and make it better on your part, then it's time to say goodbye to it. Like I said, while there is relief, there is also loss and that's what she's experiencing so I am trying to be there for her and just let her know she's loved. And she is, very much.

Oh! I won something! I belong to Tati Westbrook's subscriber email (she's a very successful YouTuber) and I got an email saying I had won the Viori giveaway and that I didn't have to do anything, that my package was on it's way. I was skeptical. But...yeah, I received it the day before yesterday. It's a shampoo bar and a conditioner bar and it came in this beautiful bamboo holder. I tried the products out this morning after bougie bath and they are fantastic. I usually don't win things so this was a pleasant and much needed surprise.

I'm a Winner! LOL!!

On that note, I'm outta here.

I hope you all have a great day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Patience Pays

 

Good Morning!

So very quiet right now. My daughter asked me to talk last night and she said that mornings are hard for her because I'm loud. LOL, boy is she right. You know, my me time occurs in the morning and hers is at night and she's very respectful about noise, for both my and my roommate's sake. And that is very appreciated. And so, you know, I felt that she deserved not only to be heard with respect, but also that I validate her and agree to try and be quieter. There are a couple things I have to do but I greeted the kitties quietly this morning, I make my own cold foam for my coffee and that needs to noisy and I took my morning shower (the bathroom is right next to her bedroom), but that is literally a 2 minute deal. I just go in to freshen up certain "areas." I also started my laundry but I held off on putting them in the drier (it works, but needs repairs and it makes this high pitched squeal when it's on). When my sister got here, we went on our walk right away; one, to give my daughter some quiet and two, cuz it's gonna start warming up today.

I put the air on this morning. I had to. It was brutal last night. I cranked it down to 70 and by the time my sissy and I got back from our walk, it was nice and cool so I turned it back up to 72.

I honestly don't know how my ancestors survived summers. Ugh!

So yesterday was productive. I applied for 3 jobs, I did a lot of little pickups, I made dinner. It was just consistent, not going hard or anything but moving quite a bit. I far exceeded my step goal.

I'm in a state of limbo right now with Willow's Whimsy but this time around, I know that the waiting and patience will pay off.

A job is simply my first priority right now.

So on that note, I am going to go search for a job some more. I hope you all have an amazing day and I will be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Bitching, Laughing, Catching Up

Good Morning!

How y'all doing today? I'm good. It's an "on" day. Some days I just wake up ok and today is one of those days.

Sleep has been good. Lots of dreaming last night.

Yesterday I got 7 applications in. Some of them were what LinkedIn calls an "easy apply" and I love those ones so much. You just submit your resume.

Nice!

My sister and I drove out to drop off some pictures to my daughter for her wedding reception. It was fun to see her at her job, I've never been to where she works.

'My bestie beastie called me yesterday. We had a good chat. Bitching, laughing, catching up. ve spent this morning largely picking up. 

I still have to do the kitchen and tonight, I have to clean the fridge out as tomorrow is garbage day. 

I've been struggling with the weight thing. I'm in this limbo and I freaking hate it. Come off already. I'd at least like to hit the next milestone.

We shall see, we shall see.

You just have to keep going. I'm tenacious that way, even when I'm my own worst enemy. 

Well, my sissy is next to me, diligently working on things so I suppose I should do some of the same. 

Job search time.

I hope you all have a great day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anyways, I'm going for a slow and steady wins the race kind of attitude today. 

Fully Vested

Good Morning,

Wow. I actually got up when I said I was gonna this morning. It was hard. But I went right to my little meditation area and started with that. I then made my shake, went to the gym, picked my daughter up, came home, showered, cleaned the bathroom and I'm on my 3rd load of laundry. I just ate my breakfast and am letting things digest, before going on a little walk. 

My sister is here and we are both having a work day. She's got stuff to do for her work and I am looking for work.

She's going to go on the aforementioned walk with me but she's diligently working away as I write.

I think the next two days should be pretty decent but then the heat is going to kick in. Wah.

Me no likey.

Tonight, I am finally, and yes, this is a 100% guarantee, going to take the rollerskating class tonight. 

I know that I am going to be so exhausted come bed time tonight. I got just under 6 hours last night but there were no wakeups so I mean, better than nothing. I really pushed myself last night to get everything I had listed, completed before falling asleep. And I did it.

Best believe I have a list for today too. I'm sticking to it. 

So, I guess you could say I'm fully vested in today, I have a plan, it's a good plan and it's doable.

And I guess, on that note, I'm off to get shit done.

Hope y'all get shit done too.

Have a good day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This Girl's a Fin!!!

Hi Everyone,

I'd love to tell you that I've been a busy bee but I really haven't, just kindof slugging it but not completely. Whatevah, ya know?

I'm determined to find a job this week. 

And to get my all my exercise in.

And it's a cleaning week. 

I'm rollerskating only on Mondays, for the lessons right now.

I got my DNA results in and guess what? I can now say that I'm a Finlander. I could pay to go deeper into this, to find out where is Finland and if that line was Sami...I don't have my heart set on it or anything and I don't really care, it's just interesting but finding that out isn't a priority. Other surprises included the fact that I'm Norwegian, Danish and Welch. I knew I was Irish, English and Swedish. Dad told me once he thought  he'd heard that we had Scottish blood and possibly French. Scottish was confirmed but no French.

I'm ok with that.

My emotions continue to be a challenge for me, but I seem to be doing OK with them. A job. A job will provide insurance and insurance means meds.

Even then, it'll take about six weeks to kick in.

I just don't fight life anymore. It's exhausting being rebellious even onto myself.

I need to a rebel where it makes sense to. 

Anyways, nothing new to report.

So, ciao darlings. until tomorrow.

Have a great day.  Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Speak Positivity

 

Good Morning,

So I started out the day with a reminder. My friend Tracy reminded me the importance of speaking and thinking positively. 

You know, instead I saying, I have no money, saying, "I have everything I need right now and more is coming to me."

My sweet Grey is sitting with me. I can feel her purring. She's impossibly tiny now but I think it seems like she's tinier than she is because Pumpkin is so big. Lil' Pumps ain't so lil'.

The scale is my friend again, I seem to be back on track with food and all that. Now to hunker down and get the exercise piece going.

My sister came out the other day and we ran some errands and got something to eat. Well, I had eaten super early that day, so she got an actual dinner and I got a piece of pie. I ate half of it then and half of it yesterday. Strawberry Rhubarb. Damn. 

There are good things in this world and that is one of them.

I do have a sortof plan for today but won't bother with the details. I'll just do the best I can all day, give whatever I do, lots of focus and energy and then we'll see what unfolds.

I have been sleeping beautifully for the past week. 7+ hours every night. My deep sleep and REM has been good too.

And I have NOT been taking naps. I can't tell you how much that helps me in my ongoing quest with good sleep.

Anyhoo, on with my day. I hope yours is good. Speak some positivity!! 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Thinking Aloud

 

Good Morning! 

The sun is shining but my understanding is that the temps will raise to 82 or so, so if I want to get a walk in, it needs to happen now...or you know, soon.

I am getting sleep again, ever since I was able to get the fan in the window. I'm a little worried about tonight, as the lows are slowing going on up as well as the highs but I guess I should practice what I preach and not worry about it until it arrives.

I had a pretty chill weekend. It was cloudy and there was some rain. 

I did meet with my friend Trish and I learned so much from her regarding starting an LLC.But today, I want what I always want which is to accomplish something. Anything really at this point.

I did look into some things for the moment but money is involved and I need to steer clear of that right now. Right now, the priority is finding a job. 

The priority after that is moving. I found out that my old complex no longer allows dogs so I am going to have to have faith and trust that that will come eventually, just not now.

Once we move, I am considering taking out a bigger loan to ensure that I can start this business the right way and that I will have something to fall back on if needed. The goal would be to have it paid off in a year and then I would get a new vehicle. Just slowly build up towards my goals. But clearly, taking on some debt is going to be the way to go. 

I'm thinking aloud here and really, I should get moving. I meditated this morning and that's a good start so here we go.

I love you all madly and am hoping for a good Monday for you all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie