Yesterday Today

 

Hello, Hello,

So I meant to post this yesterday but didn't hit the submit button so here is yesterday's offering:

Okie dokie. So time for a bit of change. I spent much of my day with my sister yesterday and I was talking about how I'm depressed again. I just am. It's not my fault, it's just the shit that happens to me. And I talked about the "big feelings" coming back and how I don't like it. 

Yes, I have new skills. I have coping skills but if something helps and makes using the skills more accessible, and is not harmful in any way, shouldn't I take advantage of that?

I don't have insurance but could probably call my doctor and let her know I need a prescription, I think she would give me the prescription without a visit and I could just pay for the scrip? I would make up the cost by ending my membership at the gym. 

The gym I enrolled in...I can do all that at Planet Fitness for $70 less a month. The amenities I signed on for?  I have to go to another gym for them; the whirlpool is coed at the gym by me so if I want the privacy of a whirlpool in the women's locker room, I have to drive further and so far, it hasn't been worth it to do so.

I'll walk through the discomfort of figuring out the machines at Planet Fitness. I don't want to just use the circuit machines.

I can do it though. I'm thinking of cancelling Netflix too, just until I have a job. In fact, I'm thinking of going awol on internet shit, other than Willow's Whimsy to see how it affects my mental health break.

I don't know. Maybe, ya know? I would blog though. I would.

We shall see. 

I had another good day yesterday. I did go work out, I did make my step count. My sister came over and I made us lunch, nothing big; hotdogs, watermelon, beans, potato  salad and chips. It was yummy. Then sister and I went and saw Back to Black. I love Amy Winehouse. She was one of those people, as many creatives are, who was pretty much primed for addiction be it alcohol, dope, men...and then you add issues with her upbringing; these things all came together to create the perfect storm. She left us her music though.

But it lead to a good talk with my sister. She is very supportive of me and she backed up my thoughts about getting back on the meds.

Alrighty, well...I'm off to do my thang. I hope you all have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Easy Peasy

 

Hi Everyone,

Using my logo today. I hope you guys like it. I've had a really great response to it so far. I love it!!!

So. Things have not been great over here in Denise's mind. 

They haven't been horrid but they have been...not great. Today, I got up and I pushed through the now usual negative talk. I don't bash myself anymore but the negativity comes in as far as self-pity, why can't I live my life the way I want to...everything I want to do just feels like to much...bla bla fucking bla.

But today I got up, I showered, I meditated, I went rollerskating. And I wiped the fuck out. First time for everything. Luckily, only my ego was bruised. I pushed through and kept on going. It makes me sad that they don't play on rock on Saturday nights or Sunday mornings. If you want a rock night, you have to go on Wednesdays and it doesn't start until either 8 or 8:30. This also messes with my birthday plans this year because my birthday is on a Saturday and I want to invite everyone to come skating to celebrate. But I was hoping for some old school rock. Wah.

It'll still be fun and this week, I'm going to go Wednesday night, even though it's late. I'll do bougie bath night before hand and wear minimal makeup so my mad evening skincare practice can still occur.

It'll be fun. I am finally going to take skate lessons tomorrow as well. My goal is to be as good as I can possibly be for my aforementioned birthday shindig in January.

I decided to chill out yet again on my many daily task lists. I'm going to focus on 1 or 2 projects a day, that way this shit will finally get done.

Today, it's making the master list with that in mind and then making the new banner for my YouTube channel. That's easy peasy.

I increased my step goal to 8K, which I realize is probably minimal for most folks but it's how you use those 8K steps that matters.

I'm sick of not hitting the 50lb goal so I'll be working towards that this week too. The weight has been headed in the wrong direction the past two weeks but only slightly so.

Ah, so I dropped my daughter at work, came back and made myself my dinner (pulled pork quesadilla), got the dishes in the dishwasher and ran a load, and went for a walk. I'm roughly 1500 away from my step goal. And I'll make it, I have no doubt about that.

I'm currently doing my ES device on some particular bulges in my calves and when I am finished, I shall put all the clean dishes away and make my banner and write out that schedule I mentioned above, then facial, shower, bla bla, pick up my daughter. She unfortunately has a work meeting tonight at 9:30 and I'll be able to take her but she'll be responsible for getting herself home. 

She's been working really hard this week, not only at work but at home too, taking care of her shit, not sleeping in ridiculously late, she's doing the deal. I'm proud of her.

And I feel better today. I haven't been sad, I've kept things lowkey but moving. I'll feel good about this day when I lay head to pillow.

If I blog tomorrow, I'll let you know if I accomplished the few things I tasked myself with.

It feels good.

And so on that note, I bid you adieu.

Passe une bonne soiree.

Soyez beni.

Amour et Lumiere,

Neecie

Passe une bonne soirée

Calculated Risks

 

Well Hello There,

Here I am. Didn't know if I'd blog or not today but I suppose I should do something with the rest of my day.

Um, let's see. Ah, so I went on a job interview today. I'm just gonna be honest here. While it was fun to get dressed up and fun to head back to my hometown (the interview was not where I originally thought it would be, nor is the job itself), when they told me what I'd be doing, it was like I could see a roadmap of my life unfolding before me and it was filled with tediousness and monotony.

You guys, I gotta make this Willow's Whimsy thing work.

I've had a couple people ask when I'm finally going to write a book too and maybe I should just try, well there is no try, there is only do, everything. Just through it all up in the air and see where it all lands. My life is not going to change if I don't start taking some risks; calculated risks. I do need to know what I'm doing on some level. What kind of book? Cuz I can do the life story thing but it'd be different now because I'm not out to shame anyone. I mean, I'd be truthful and I'd be clear that my truth is just that...mine but it would inevitably piss people off because I'm not the only one who was ever an asshole and I'd want to write about things that have hurt me and bla bla fucking blafflewiper.

And then there's...my dark and twisted self, my dark passenger to take from Dexter, who could truly write something horrific but...do I really want to put that out into the universe? My sister told me once that I would be awesome at writing porn, lol and I could, I could do that. I'd be laughing hysterically the whole time and half grossed out. But it could be done.

I might just try any number of things out of sheer desperation. That unfolding path I mentioned above, it's not good. 

So few people in this world get to do what they really want to and most of us are bots who do what we're told we're supposed to do...all our lives. And my dad, he did that, I mean not for my sister and I, but he did it for his second family and he got sick a year before he was supposed to retire and bear the fruits of his hard work. That sucks. That's something that's so hard for me to think about...still. Like, he got fucked man.

I'm not making any promises. 

But.

Let's do dis thang.

Ight, have a good rest of the day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Object of My Ire

 Hi Lil' B'Boos,

Something my daughter says, it's one of those inside things.

Well. Turns out y'girl is fighting a battle this morning. Not a battle that has anything to do with my addiction issues. I don't even know how long I've been sober this time around, but I do know that it was a year somewhere in the end of April.

But all things can eventually lead to that path again if I don't stay vigilant. 

The battle I am fighting is a very strong worded war between me as I was before DBT and the me I am now. 

I want to wage war. Nah, maybe not war but I want to send a strongly worded warning.

I think me after DBT will win because the object of my ire is...nothing, nada. 

The object is not a threat to me personally. Where the old Denise comes into play is fear of the object hurting someone I love. 

But the someone I love is an adult, is strong and capable of their own decisions. And I have to trust that.

Enough said.

Speaking of Denise before DBT, there are patterns emerging that have nothing to do with the aforementioned nada.

Laziness, depression, inability to sleep.

The big problem with sleep is that of course, as late spring, early summer approaches, it's hot out. The air isn't on yet because it's not been too unbearably hot but even when it is, my room just simply doesn't cool down. I have become more sensitive to the cold except when it comes to sleeping. I prefer a temp of around 45-50 to sleep in.

And then I also struggle because I'm no longer taking the edibles...due to the depression I have realized they have set off in me.

I don't need to write it all out, my regular followers are well aware of my patterns.

Thank the Gods that I can see them now clearly. That I have awareness. 

Because I'm not spiraling by any means, but ya know, if left unchecked, I could spiral.

I am dedicating today to all the shit I've been putting off with my business. I do have to stop to go shopping for an interview outfit and I am meeting a friend for coffee at 12:30.

I want to go to bed tonight knowing I have packaging picked out, pricing on my website, a new banner for my YouTube channel and having done some research on how to create an intro to my vidoes.

Ok, so.....

It's sunny out, it's breezy, it's only gonna get to 70 so no excuses girlfriend. 

I'm off to the races and imma win that motherfucker today.

BOOM!

Have a great day, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Gettin' Crazy

 

Hi Everyone,

Once again, I struggle to prioritize. Can I just say I hate prioritizing? Can't just being north of the earth be an accomplishment.

I'm good in general but some of this mental health shit and the fall out of the disorder I have...it can still get to me. Since I can't go bGettiack to therapy just yet, I am going to have to just start reading my DBT workbook again. Because things are affecting me. Well not even things, nothing specific just my "shit." 

I didn't really sleep well the last 4 nights in a row. I think I may have already mentioned that I discovered (by accident quite frankly) that there seems to be a link between depression and the edibles for me. I may have to weigh what's worse...you know the depression for the edibles or the depression from not sleeping as much.

And today I have a lot of anxiety. I'm determined to push through so that's all good but I do get crazy when too many nights of this in a row occurs.

Last night, I guess it was about 1:38 in the morning, and I was still awake and I just started sobbing, like snot running down my nose sobbing. 

I have been a little heightened ever since I got a bug up me arse to find out about my mom's friend...you know if she was still alive, etc. and when I found out she is, and that she's in the same place, I wanted to go see her. But it fucked with me and I have no idea why. I'm terrified to go see her. And you know, her dementia came before moms and was much, much worse. I am at peace with making the decision not to go see her. I chose this for me and for her. It could deeply upset her to see me, it could upset or confuse her to find out that mom is gone and she wouldn't remember it anyways. And as for me, I think I miss my dear momma more than I realized. I think that from the moment I realized that mom's memory issues were actual dementia to the moment she passed...that it was all one big trauma for me. 

It's life. 

I don't need to revisit any of that on here, it was devastating for me. I think I just...from relatively early on, we understand that we will all die. It's just...she was a frickin' superstar, she was a terminator, she rocked it. And I think that even though you know something is coming, it still hits like a shit-ton of bricks when it does go down. I miss her. And seeing  her friend, I don't think I'd be able to separate the two. I think it would hurt me too much.

So the cons seem to far outweigh the pros here.

Anyways, I made myself a very doable list for today and I feel already that I'm wasting it but the things on that list, including this blog, are slowly being accomplished. And even though it's humid AF outside, I am going to go for a 30 minute walk. I am also going to the gym and there's more but whatever.

Point is, I'm trying to get back into being healthy. And so for sure no nap, for sure no caffeine after 4. For sure, no evening snacking. I know what time I'm going to pick my daughter up and so tonight, I'm going to take actual medication and no edibles and also drink the CALM stuff because that seems to help.

If I sleep, I sleep and if I don't...I'll deal with it. The harder I go during the day, and the more downtime I can give myself before sleep and mixed with the things in the paragraph above, I will hopefully be able to get 6 to 7 hours. 

Aaaand I just blew up on my daughter...sometimes shit...you know, it releases toxic gases, that if not given a vent in which to escape, it blows. It blows.

The situation is not one I will write about because it's her business but when the business of anyone else affects me with no resolution in sight, Imma blow a gasket.

Enough said.

Enough said.

I have not meditated today and clearly, I need to do that.

This too shall pass.

I'm ok guys, just...gonna do what I do and get through.

I hope you all are having a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Save That Money Little Honey Bunny

Hi Everyone,

My nails have grown so long and I need a fill but today got away with me and I am now playing catch up so I guess tomorrow it is.

I need a job now. I am really feeling the pressure. It's so fucking stressful. I feel like the world has just become so stressful.

I screw myself over with my daily lists because the bottom line is I need to work full-time to find something. 

Well I got a little bump from the Universe. I went to pay bills today and none of them were as high as I thought they would be.

If I'm honest, yes, so much has changed, I have changed but certain patterns have not and if I see these things, then I have to change these things.

I'm just really frustrated today, pretty much with everything but I don't have it in me today to just lie down and do nothing so laundry and vacuuming has happened. Dishes have happened. A walk has happened. Leaving now to pick up a vase for lilacs at the good will and to pick up my groceries. I ordered them for pickup so I don't have to pay a frickin' tip and service fee.

Save that money anyway ya can man.

Alright, well, I am out. No list, I mean there is one but I'm going to just keep moving from one thing to the next today.

I hope you are all doing well. Have a great day. Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good is Good

Good Afternoon,

How's everyone feeling today? Thank you for stopping in. I feel content right now! 

So, first; sleep. Under 5 hours last night. My store stopped selling my edibles and I got a different kind and they do not work at all. So I ordered some but of course you have to pay shipping so they're a bit more expensive but oh well. Hopefully, they'll get here quickly. My daughter has the same prescription for sleeping that I had so I can use that until my stuff arrives.

Today has been good, which is good. It's good because I never did bounce back yesterday. And I slept like shit.

I made a list of things to do but I am just doing them one after the other and not assigning a time frame to it.

Much more chill and much more effective. I finally found all my recipes so after I'm done with this blog and post it, I'm going to type up 5 of the recipes. 

My brother and fam are coming out in July and I want these done. 

You know, I did something to my wrist yesterday while typing. It frickin' hurts man.

Whatever.

Today I told someone I love about how I felt about something. The person was so understanding. It's still scary for me to tell people when I feel some kind of way. But this turned out so good. I felt heard and validated and we treated each other compassionately.

When I do reach out or set boundaries or whatever, it's foreign to me, it's scary. I'm just grateful and relieved. 

And it is absolutely beautiful out today. The lilacs in the bedroom are just about to bloom. The flowers are there, they just haven't opened quite yet. 

Imma totally fill a vase up with them.

Ok guys, I'm ok today. Just being easy on myself but still making progress.

So I hope you all have a great rest of your day. I'll be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Other Than Sleeping

 

Hi Everyone,

Geez, what a day. My only saving grace is that there is still some time in the day to get some things done. I have gone back to taking these long ass naps during the day. I started not sleeping that great again. And so some time around noon, I lost it. I'm like dragging my feet and barely able to keep my eyes open. I did get a job app in. My goal is to do one a day. It took over 2 hours! This is ridiculous.

But at least I got it done. 

I paid two credit card bills. I took a bath and a shower this morning because I've been off with my schedule on that front as well.

But yeah, other than sleeping...that's about it.

I don't even feel like blogging. I'm not sure what's going on. Is it physical or is it a mental health thing? I think I'll journal tonight and see what comes out.

So on that note, I am going to go on a long ass walk in an effort to make my step goal.

I promise to come back tomorrow and mull through some of this.

Have a lovely evening.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Get You Some Cuddles

 

Good Morning One & All,

I already blew my goal of blogging everyday this month but it's OK. I can only do my best. I could argue that I got a ton done last week but I keep putting the job search aside to make room for other priorities and I keep putting Willow's Whimsy aside too. 

I think I've been in a sortof denial but no more. The theme of this week is to find a job. I don't want to work anymore than the next person. Well, I suppose some people love what they do. But not me. However, I do want to get my own place, I do want to travel. And I suppose these things cost money. 

Anyways, yeah, my lists this week will consist of 3 priorities:

• Job Search
• Exercise
• Willow's Whimsy

I'm going to make up my schedule after this blog and showering, do some clean up, go to the gym and then hit the rest of the day.

I saw my sister this weekend. She came out this way. We had been hanging out so much that I really missed her even though, it hadn't even been a full two weeks since I'd last seen her. I ended up seeing her again yesterday because yours truly left her key in her sister's car so my daughters and I drove out (my oldest drove, I couldn't, my sister had my key) and met her half way. 

Then my girls and I went back to my place and laughed and talked and dissed. It was fun.

But last night, I had anxiety up the arse. I'm surprised I even got to sleep last night but I did. And according to my fitbit, it was fairly decent sleep.

I decided not to up my step goal this week or my meditation minutes. Next week, I'll increase my step goal by 250 more steps per day and I'll add one minute to my meditation time. And I'll stay busy.

If there's a specific, obvious reason for my anxiety, it's much easier to talk myself off the cliff but if there's not, it can be a bit harder to regulate so in this case, I just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, act as if, stay too busy to think. The problem either goes away or eventually reveals itself so it can be dealt with.

My Grey Grey just gave me a handwashing, lol. Anytime, I get on my bed, whether it's to go to sleep, blog, read, what have you, up she comes demanding cuddle time.

And I suppose that's a good way to end this blog today.

Get you some kind of cuddles if you can. It's good for the soul.

Have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Readiness

 

Hi All,

Good Evening. I would've blogged earlier but I wanted to see what I'd be able to accomplish first. I don't know if it's the weather (shitty, cloudy, rainy, a bit too cold) or what, but I was exhausted all day. I literally had to force myself to get the priorities done. 

I'm not depressed, I was able to determine that as soon as I realized I wasn't feeling quite myself. No, not depressed, just tired.

In spite of that, I did get some things done. I did some more laundry, I swear that shit never ends. I cleaned the bathroom. I drove out to Brooklyn Center to pick up my edibles as I am almost out. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill and did a mini ab workout. I came home and warmed up some chili I had taken out of the freezer. I added this smoked pulled pork from Costco to it. My sister discovered this stuff and it's freaking delicious. Yeah, so I ate and then I gave myself a facial, did my ES, showered, did the foot massager and now I'm chillin' next to Pumpkin. She's crashed out next to me. 

This little kitty (ok, not so little) dreams a lot. She's twitching and sometimes she purrs, sometimes she growls, sometimes she sortof keens and sometimes she meows. I would love to know what she dreams. 

I am 43 steps away from hitting my step goal for the day and I have no doubt that I will hit that before I go off to lala land.

I'm done cleaning for the week so that is awesome. Other than going to the gym tomorrow, I haven't decided what's on my list of to do's. It is supposed to be sunny and warm so I'll be going on an extra walk tomorrow.

I was going to do yoga tonight but I'm stiff and tired. My fitbit keeps a readiness score for me each day; it's based on daily activity, amount of rest, etc. It was low today and that makes sense given how tired I was and the amount of pushing I had to do to myself to do anything.

So, I'll be reading for a bit and then watching some Grey's Anatomy and then going to bed.

Sometimes we have to really push through but we can also dumb it down just to make the basic priorities like I did today.

Oh! Another pair of pants retired and 2 pairs that now fit me.

Life is good. It's the little things.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Meaning & Purpose

 

Helllloooo,

How's everyone doing? I hope this entry finds you well. 

Happy Beltane!! May Day to those of you not in the know, lol.

I am doing good. A little frustrated because today is the day I do a deep conditioning on my hair. I only do it once a month but part of it is that I put in this Olaplex 3 stuff after dampening my hair and I keep it in all day. Guess what I'm out of? Yeah. Olaplex 3. 

It's OK. Go with the flow and adjust. So I vacuumed the dining room, vacuumed the stairs going up to the top level and I vacuumed the upper hallway. I can't vacuum my room just yet because it's a mess. I have a ton of stuffed animals and they are all on the floor because I washed my comforter and I'm now waiting for it to dry.

I also swept and mopped the kitchen and entryway. Just waiting for the floor to dry as well, so I'm up in my room and blogging.

I also meditated this morning, that's important.

So, this week is soooo much better. I got a ton done Sunday, Monday & Tuesday. I went to the gym Monday, finally back at it. I did cardio and some core work yesterday and then after my roommate went to bed, I did yoga. I didn't do my full practice but I did do most of it. I think it's got to be the strength training but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I can do again. I lost so much of my balance, coordination and flexibility by not doing much for so long and it's almost all back. Not fully, but very, very close. So I am going to do my yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just twice a week for now. I am learning to not just speak moderation but to live it.

It's better this way. It ensures that I will ultimately achieve my goals. So anyways, I am just waiting until 10 so I can run to Ulta and get what I need. Then I can come home, take my morning shower, do my skincare, bla bla bla, and get the hair treatment in. 

Then I will go to the gym.

The two big projects for today are to go through the fridge (garbage day tomorrow) because they look like they blew up and I need to get rid of everything that's gone bad. I get rid of anything that has expired or any leftovers that have been in the fridge for more than 3 days.

I have to go through both fridges and both freezers so that's one project. The other is to get my camera up and running and to start researching my ass off about all the things I have on my list for Willow's Whimsy.

Today, I'm going to start by ordering a minimal amount of supplies so I can test the waters with making:

• Lotion
• New, better body butters
• Better Body scrubs
• Laundry detergent
• Specialized colorant

Then I am going to fill out the stuff I need to get my LLC.

That's it for today. I have several errands I have to run with my daughter as well.

I want everything I do, other than my designated slug times to have meaning and purpose, to move me a little closer to achieving my goals.

So there you have it. 

It'll be a busy day, but a productive day and I'm pacing myself. 

Here we go.

I hope your day is wonderful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie