When Something is Everything

Good Morning,

You guys can't see this but I'm at my computer desk! I got it all set up yesterday.

I feel very good about everything I accomplished yesterday but I also need to prioritize some things for today because I didn't get it all done.

Tonight will be the gym, making food for tomorrow, applying for one job and making the products for the basket for the auction I've written about.

I got 7 hours of sleep and thankfully, no dreams, although my REM sleep registered a bit more activity than usual.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am on the nights I do sleep.

Just so grateful.

So I want to write about yesterday and my feelings. 

I'm not sure what led to this but I had a purging of sorts.

The day was humid, cloudy and rain/misting all day. It was cold but it wasn't warm.

I was plowing through it all yesterday, getting things done and it's so weird now; when I push through, I get more anxiety. I think that's normal but I also know I can't afford, literally, to crash.

I can crash when I go to bed. 

But because I got so little sleep the night before last, I did give myself permission to take a nap when I got back from dropping my daughter at work. 

When I woke up, it was pitch black but I had the blinds open and so I could see the lights from the parking lot. 

It was this weird moment of clarity.

And I lost it.

I was sobbing, just letting it all out. I hold so much inside now. I honestly think that all the activity, and pushing through, released something in me and it may be that this is the norm for awhile.

There were other factors; I watched some of the Whitney Houston documentary on Netflix and it was so hard to see her go down the way she did. 

It doesn't matter how talented you are, how incredibly beautiful or how rich you become; drugs...they will take everything from you...and they did, even that beautiful voice.

And some of the things towards the end, that was said about her daughter.

I'm not judging. I am no one to judge. But they talked too, about the media and how cruel they were to her.

Humans are fickle and I count myself in that. We are so mean when someone shows weakness. 

And we love a good comeback story too. She tried, she did, but it was too late.

It broke me, watching that documentary. It broke me for a lot of reasons.

And of course, I was tired. 

But I really think that forcing myself to push through what felt like quicksand in just doing normal things yesterday, it opened up something inside me that I've been holding in. 

I don't fully know what I've been holding in but here are some of the things:

I worry about the people I love too much. We all do, right? But there's always been this fear of losing people and when they hurt, I hurt.

I think this job has had me in survival mode for awhile now and that may sound dramatic, I'm not trying to be, this is really how I feel. I feel sick to my tummy when I get up and realize I have to go in, I stress about the "what if's" and the people I know are sick or are hurting, I see how dementia affects the animals of some and I worry about the animals. I'm on high alert with these things, Monday through Friday.

I'm stressed about Willow's Whimsy and I've let that hold me back too...you know, from taking action.

The dermatillomania has gotten worse, worse than it's ever been. This literally tearing flesh from myself and the physical pain it causes and the guilt and shame of it.

And money, always with the money.

My ex, the one from when I was 19, wants to come up for Christmas. That feels so fast to me. It scares me for all the reasons; I haven't lost all my weight, the scars from picking, my life is imperfect. It's so weird because I still don't know what I want from this and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I honestly am not fixated on this, in fact I'm rather ambivalent and my fear is of him getting hurt, not me. I don't want the pain of others to be caused by me. I'm hard enough on myself without having to punish myself for causing hurt or pain.

And just missing people; mom, dad, David...wondering when others will leave me...through death or if I'll go first.

It's a lot. I'm weary.

So kindof a downer of a post. I'm going to continue to push through today, like I did the last two days.

I will say that I wanted to stop last night, after my release of tears, but I did finally do a pedicure, although my toenails are not painted yet but I got it done!! I gave myself a facial and I did shower.

I know that sounds simple and nice but if you knew the struggle it took just to get me to anything.

I feel good about that, that I was able to push myself after already doing so much and not making my evening be unproductive.

I did something and sometimes that's everything.

And there you have it. Time to meditate, get dressed and go.

I hope you all have a good Monday, I hope this week goes by quickly, but at the same time, I hope I can continue to rally myself to be fully engaged and I hope you can too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Down With the Garbage

 

Good Morning!

You guys! I gott'r done. I got the whole apartment cleaned, I got everything put away. I have one more rather large load to bring back from my roommate's and I think that should be it.

That will be a big load. And of course, it will have to be put away. 

It's on the list for today to get all that stuff but whether I will or not, remains to be seen. It's going to be a busy one but as things stand right now, I intend to go rollerskating and then pick up from my roommate's.

I intend not to multitask, like one thing at a time. When I try to multitask, my ADHD goes on high alert and kicks in my anxiety. One thing at a time, a steady stream and then we'll figure this all out.

I also intend to make some products today. I need to assess what I have for the first thing I'm making for the show, which is bubble bars. I don't know if I have enough supplies to make the 4 different scents I intend to make for the show.

And I am making products both for myself and for a basket I'm donating. Those do have to get done today and a basket purchased. I'm not sure how to wrap the basket. I suck at that kind of thing. 

Anyways, I digress. Yeah, there's a list, there's always a list right?

Doesn't matter. Some are small tasks, others large.

It's got to get done, all of it so that I can feel on top of, instead of trying to catch up. 

Trying to catch up is a normal state for me and it's part of the whole self sabotage pattern.

Do any of you struggle with that? 

It's hard.

But I did shower and meditate this morning. So that's a good start. I need to take the garbage down. I'll start with that and we'll just go from there.

When things feel so big, and so overwhelming, I can choose to look at them in parts and see where I can attack first.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I have to. I have to.

That much I know.

So anyways, okie dokie, here we go. 

Today, I intend to take moments to be present and to breath deeply and to just steadily keep going.

Nice to have the extra hour this morning, nice to see the sky light up earlier.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Oh, I did want to say that this blog...this really needs to be focused on healing and moving forward. I am not going to delete everything and start over once again but I will be removing any posts that mention my current job. It's tacky. I know it's part of the deal, and this job has affected my mental health in ways I never saw coming but it's tacky.

And potentially dangerous. I don't think any of my coworkers have found this but if they did, you all know I don't rant anymore but I definitely do vent and I'll continue to do so but I don't have to get so specific.

I just don't.

Not that any of you look back but I just wanted to state that I'm doing that. Be transparent, ya know?

Ok, com'on get down with the garbage, ya muther get up, com'on get down with the garbage...ha, if you know you know.

Ok, bye.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Kick Ass

Hi Everyone,

Kindof late to the party today.

I've had a good day but lazy so I'm about to kick some ass. I want it done tonight. Not the final trip to my roommate's but the apartment as clean and as done as it can be...tonight. 

I am starting on products tomorrow and I don't have time to fuck around at this point.

I'm sick of myself.

Even though I had a good day. LOL.

This not enough sleep bullshit fucks with me so hard. I took a nap instead of being productive. So now I am going to be productive.

I did go out to breakfast with my son. It was nice. And my sister unexpectedly called and wanted to know if I wanted to go on a walk with her and her dog. We went over to a big, huge nature reserve over here and went on about a 45 minute walk so that was great. Fresh, cool air. I loved it.

But I came back and deflated so now it's on.

I'm so tired of writing about my lack of sleep and bla bla bla.

So instead, I'm kindof being bitchy but only to myself...like enough with the bullshit ma, get it fucking done.

Sorry to be so "pleasant", you know I gotta write everyday.

Be Blessed and for the love of all, Be Productive.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Marathons

Oh my God, I'm so tired. 

I won't write much.

I got up early and hit it with the cleaning and putting away some and I cleaned and scrubbed the litter boxes. 

And then I burnt out and feel asleep on the couch.

I realized something. I was depressed over at my roommate's. I was really, really depressed. Not because of him, just because of the whole situation. I think it was getting worse and worse for a really long time. It takes me twice as long to do things I used to. I lose focus so easily. I tired so easily.

Depression.

Big time.

Not crying depression. Physical depression. Mental depression. It affects each of us differently. And now I'm going to have to push myself through until that becomes the norm.

I mean, let's be honest. I've never been the most motivated girl. It's not like I used to run marathons and now I can barely walk two feet. But I became aware of it today. This low to no energy.

I got nothin'. I'm running on almost empty.

Now what to do about it.

Alright, gotta go.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Neecie