Italian Roses

 

Good Morning,

How is everyone today? I keep thinking it's Monday but it's only Saturday. Two weeks until I have my show.

There is much to do.

And we all know how damn good I am at "much to do."

But I am not going to own that. I've been watching so many videos on acceptance and living in the present moment and finding your joy in just being. And speaking of the moment, I have a very cute, very big kitty playing with my hair.

So stepping out of the present and into yesterday for a brief moment. Yesterday was slow again but I did get some good things accomplished.

A day unwasted is a good thing. I know we all need our downtime, but when it goes on and on, it just leads to uncomfortable feelings; sadness, worthlessness, etc.

I thought at one point, that I was gonna do the pffftttt but somehow I rallied and was able to keep going. 

I called one of the residents where I used to work. She's Italian and her name is Rose so I call her my Italian Rose. She was so happy to hear from me and she told me a bit more about her family and told me about her Thanksgiving. 

We made a tentative date for me to come visit with her for an afternoon.

When we hung up she said, "I love you, Denise."

It just filled my heart up. The good thing about that job was those residents.

The job is no more and sorry, not sorry, I'm so grateful for that but those relationships are still there and I am also so grateful for that.

I am hoping to make another call someday today because when I go in, I'll want to see a couple different people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it wasn't a knock it out of the park day, it was a good day. It was pretty steady going and it was good prep for today because today is when the organized chaos starts; I have two weeks to make a bunch of products, label and wrap them and announce the sale/show. There is a lot to do as a part of that, that entails a lot more than just making the products.

There is my daughter's birthday, which is this Tuesday. She is having a party on Saturday (next Saturday) so there is prepping for that.

You know, job search and all that in between.

My daughter doesn't work tomorrow so we are setting out all the Christmas stuff. I'm excited for that.

There are good things and I'm trying to focus on what I can do in this moment and the good things to come.

Last night, I tried something new. I went to bed without taking anything but I had a glass of water next to me and brought the meds into my room so that if I hit a no sleep spot, I could just reach over, take the meds and lay right back down.

I did wake up last night around 3:30 but I managed to get back to sleep all on my own.

6 hours and 58 minutes.

I cannot even begin to explain what a difference sleep makes for me. If you know, you know. I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through this shit. It's awful.

But for today, I am well rested. So it's important I take this energy and run with it but if I need a moment, I will take one. I cannot afford to burn out right now.

So that's what I have for you today. I hope your day is a good one!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

And...that's all I've got for you today.

Shadowland

 

Good Morning!

Well, I'm coming to you with 8 hours of sleep under my belt but it's only because I woke up at 3:30 and ended up taking the hydroxyzine to sleep. 

That may sound like a good idea but I don't like it because my sleeping heart rate when through the roof again.

Why can't there just be one fix? It's so frustrating. 

But it is what it is and today, I am trying to stay in the what is.

I have a lot to do in the next two weeks. A lot.

Today, I will pay rent and that will be it for money. What is left will cover bills and food for the month. 

I'm not panicking, in fact I'm ignoring it. 

If I sell everything at my show, I'll be OK again for a month and if I haven't found a job, it'll give me a little leeway in finding one.

So the two biggies in my life, at least in the immediate future is to make my products and look for a job. I plan on doing that much of the day but other things need to factor in like the filing project because my recipes for products are somewhere in that mess as well as sites I order from and specifics about what size shrink wrap, etc. I use to secure the products and ensure no leakage, no one opening before they are ready to be opened, etc.

I really let myself spiral, depression wise. I realized something. I have always ignored the signs but it always ended up with me relapsing and not knowing why. I didn't relapse this time, it's just not in the playbook for me anymore so there was no release of emotions. Using is not the way to release pent up emotions but it did do that. So I need to find a way to do this. It's so hard too because I don't really even know why I'm depressed. And maybe it's as simple as this is just my chemistry and this is what happens. 

I've been saying that the why doesn't matter for me, for years. It's the what the fuck do we do to fix this that matters.

Well one thing is meds and that's not an option now so the main thing is to act as if...manifest. And the other is to just do what it takes to ensure our needs are met.

Got it.

Let's shift to yesterday. Thanksgiving was pretty great. My sister and brother inlaw hosted as per the norm and the food is always amazing but I gotta tell ya, there was just something extra special yesterday. If I could've, I would've kept eating til I blew. It was so good. My sister set a place for Mom and I think she may have stopped in and sprinkled heaven on everything. So good. SO, so good.

Thank you to both of them for the effort that I know goes into this.

Huge thank you.

My kids did something to surprise us and it was so perfect, and so hysterically funny and so them. They went and sat for an awkward family photos session at JCPenney. You guys, oh my God, it was the best thing I've ever seen. I still laugh everytime I look at those pictures. It lifted my heart up and lightened the load for sure.

I want to do an angry fairy shoot out in the woods somewhere.

I just can't.

It was perfect.

Anytime I spend with my family now, it's a treasure. It is all a treasure.

I need to learn to bottle that up though and save it, those happy, safe feelings, because when something good happens to me, it's usually followed up with a crash of some sort and so...at least I see these patterns as they play out now. It's my monster is what it is, or the weirdos as I lovingly call them now. They step in when good things happen to tell me how I don't deserve it. I don't deserve hard work payoffs, I don't deserve to laugh and love with my family and friends. I don't deserve anything and so starts the self-sabotage. Just because using is no longer an option doesn't mean this other shit just magically went away.

And I do not believe that the sleeping is a "me" thing, meaning that I cause it somehow. I think it's a menopause, old age, hormonal shit thing.

It's just proving to be a real bitch and a major hiccup in my life right now. The no or little sleep thing is the one thing, even more than the weirdos, that can take me down fast.

So between that and the weirdos, I oftentimes exist in a place I like to call shadowland. It's not total chaos, total darkness, but it's not in the line of the sun either. I linger. Sometimes for to long.

I am going to try my best to stay out of Shadowland today and dwell in the lands of the sunshine that is currently hiding between dismal, gray clouds.

We shall see what unfolds, we shall see and I shall report.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

For Fook's Sake

 

Hellllooooo,

Y'all! 

I'm having a day. Not enough sleep again but whatEVah. Step one - We Admitted.

I admitted to my friend Erin last night that I've been in a deep depression and I told FB today that I've been in a depression.

Already been talking about it here but hey...I'm in a depression.

This is not doom and gloom, it's more frustration. Frustration that I can't rally myself on out of this. Sleep makes a huge difference. It's not that I got a ton done yesterday but I just felt OK. I felt safe, I felt no fear or anxiety, I smiled, I enjoyed.

Today, at almost 6 hours, I already feel exhausted, lethargic, sad.

And the voices are saying, "For fooks sake lassie, get yer arse up and do somethin'."

Again I say, "whatEVah."

As soon as I realized there would be no more sleep for me, I rolled out of bed and went and cleaned the living room at my roommate's. 

Came home, Tracy called me and that helped. She validated me. Erin validated me last night. Sometimes, validation just helps so much. 

I've got a load of dishes going in the dishwasher. I do not know what I will do today other than bake bread.

And poop.

Cuz it's a poop day but luckily for me, it's all been gifts today. Ginormous, healthy, clean your pipes gifts.

I got nothing you guys.

Like I said, this isn't doom and gloom. I am not without hope. I can't see the silver fucking lining but I know it's there, it's just cloudy AF right now.

So, here's the deal. I'm just gonna do this day. I'm going to try not to take a nap. But...we'll see. I guess if I do, it just needs to be earlier than it usually is so that it doesn't infringe on my actual zzzzzzzzzzzzz time.

Yeah, gonna wing this MF today.

And so on that note, send me good juju. I need it. You can send Reiki too, I've dove down that rabbit hole of late and it's helping. Juju, Reiki, energy...the good stuff. I'm open.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Little Red Cardinals

 

Hi Guys,

Well.

Will wonders never cease? Y'all, I went to bed last night around 7, woke up to pick my daughter up, went back to bed right away and I mean, I was up here and there but only for minutes at a time. I got up at 6 and had clocked 9 hours and 12 minutes of sleep.

So I went over to my roommate's place, cleaned his dining room, came home, ate, showered, watched some TV and ate again, then fell asleep for another hour and 3 minutes for a whopping total of 10 hours and 15 minutes. 

I'm kinda shook, not gonna lie. But the emotional stuff? Gone. I'm not WAY up but I'm just coasting through my day and feeling hopeful.

Now though, I do have to do something. My daughter has to be at work in an hour so there's that. 

I just got notice that a package had arrived for me and in it was the cutest little cardinal.

I love gifts, not gonna lie, it's one of my favorite things. Especially when they are unexpected. I knew this was coming but it was a surprise none the less.

Saturday, my sissy brought all us girls care packages for our night, which contained candy and candles and giftcards.

People are so thoughtful and when you've been struggling as I seem to have been of late, what with the lack of sleep stuff, it can make such a difference.

Thank you sissy and thank you dear friend!!

So hopefully, I'm all slept out until it's actually time for bed. 

I applied for a few jobs yesterday and I'll do that when I get home. I'd like to get organized again, like in terms of my file cabinet and supplies.

Soooo, we'll just see what I might be able to get done yet this evening.

Tomorrow, I'm going to call a couple of the residents I miss so much since quitting my job. I'll get all caught up with them; just my Italian Rose and Carol for now, maybe Kat. We shall see. I miss them.

Anyways, yadda yadda, if I can just start getting in 6 hours or more a night going forward, I think I'll be OK.

Gotta make bread tomorrow!!

Be Blessed loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Small Differences

 

Hey Guys,

Wow, I am down for the count but I'm pulling myself back up. Friday night, I got 3 and a half hours of sleep, yesterday it was 5 something. Last night, I got in 1 hour and 44 minutes.

What the actual fuck is going on with me? No sleep is so hard. It's so hard.

It is so very hard.

But I will push through.

Emotionally, something is going on with me too. This crying, this procrastination and fear, it's really getting to me.

Like, it is really getting to me. It's wreaking havoc big time.

But I did just take the time to apply for a job.

And my daughter and I ran an errand so that got me out and sometimes that can make a difference; if not all the difference, some and that's worth it, ya know?

I have to find a job. I waited to long on the Shipt thing and now I'm on a waitlist. 

I can't let myself think to much about this or the anxiety of it will get to me.

I'm not going to put anything down about what I need to do and all that, because it feels right now like I need to do everything. 

The main focus will be job search and getting things cleaned up.

I had an amazing, funny, lighthearted night, Saturday night, with my daughters and my sister. We went out to eat, we spent time talking and laughing, we played a game. I made a nice breakfast in the morning although I'm paying in spades for that today but it was worth it.

So I'm holding on to that today because I am having so much anxiety. I can't do one of my lists, I just can't. 

But I can focus on one or two things.

And some self-care, although I'm not sure what that will look like just yet.

Alright, well, I'm going to go.

I'll be back tomorrow. In the AM. AM when I'm not working, PM when I am. Let's hope we transfer over to PM sooner than later.

Take good care and be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puker Cat

 

Hellooooo,

So. I'm kinda worthless today. I did sleep OK. That was great. But I went to my roomie's house and I swear, I just struggle to find a groove and go with it. I got more in the car but of course I haven't brought it up yet. I vacuumed the whole TV floor, which includes the room I used as an office and the laundry room, then I swept the laundry room and mopped it. Then I wiped down the shelves in the bedroom/office because they are built into the wall and my little puker cat, Mocha, barfed in various places so I got that all cleaned up and then....the pffffftttt. 

I came home, was so exhausted I slept on the couch as in my absence my daughter had commandeered my bed.

And I just got up an hour ago. What the Actual Fuck Chuck?

I don't know what the hell to do about myself anymore. My friend Tracy took my daughter and I out to eat last night and her hubby was with. It helped getting out for awhile but I laid down right when I got home. This lethargy is something else with me. It runs deep.

Anyways, she was telling me what she takes for sleep. It's not addictive but it's still controlled because it's what they call an hypnotic. Like if she doesn't go to bed right away, she becomes completely unaware and does weird shit. Funny shit but weird shit too. I already have had issues with sleep walking though that was years ago. I woke up in the dead of winter, across the street, barefoot and in a nightgown once. I'm lucky I woke up and didn't lie down and just go back to sleep. That never happened before and it has not happened since. It was about a 3 month period of time. My son finally put bells on the apartment door so he'd hear me if I went out.

But I might try that. 

Or maybe not. 

I just read up on it. She's been taking it for years but it says it's not intended for that. People report doing all sorts of shit and not remembering it. That's maybe not for me.

Have I written about the fact that I've been having pain in my tummy. Mostly it's right under my belly button area but right now, it's on the right side, right under the belly button line. GasX seems to help but not always. And the antacid shit doesn't even put a dent in the discomfort. It's not so painful I need anything but it's unpleasant to say the least.

It's not a constant thing but it is daily and once it starts, it doesn't go away until I go to sleep. So that's fun. 

I know I've said this before, but I think I'm super depressed. It's not wah wah wah depressed. It's obviously functional depression but I'm sad a lot, I'm not motivated at all and I can tear up for no reason whatsoever...it sucks.

I applied for jobs yesterday but I really need to be applying all day long. I struggle with the fact that the apartment is still not done although it's close, it's just so close but I just can't seem to get there.

Ok, well, soon I have to bring my kiddo to work and I'll be picking her up so I really need to do something productive in the inbetween. 

Or the upside down. 

Ha.

Bring me back to the 80s, only let me have the self-awareness I have now. Let me be young and pretty, let me have the energy I had then (although I've always been a lazy mf), let me have my beautiful hair and let me just be free. Let me have my kids and be a good mom.

Here we go, down the rabbit hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck the rabbit hole, I know.

Well alrighty then.

Have a good evening.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Like, Go Away

 

Good Morning,

Kinda late start here. No, a very late start. Today, the struggle is real. Because I didn't sleep well the night before last, I went hard in the wee hours of the morning and then took a nap and it just sortof set the tone for the day although I did manage to get out to the gym. There was a creepy, pervy guy there and I did everything I could to make it obvious that I wanted nothing to do with him. Like, go away.

I was so tired yesterday.

And then I got a text from the man I've written about recently, the ex boyfriend from so many years ago. I didn't think about him constantly by any means, more so when I was younger, after the initial huge weight gain. I just wanted someone to love me. That makes me so sad now. I wish I would've known everything then, that I know now...about self love, about accountability, about my mental health disorder. I wish I would've known. But I didn't. I do now. You see, he hadn't reached out since Halloween and I was OK with that. But he did last night. I'm not going to go into what he texted but needless to say, it threw me off.

Why now? After all these years? 

Love in terms of romantic love is something, as you all know, I gave up on. And I was OK with that. I wasn't trying to be some martyr, oh look at me, I gave up having love in my life. Just the opposite, by letting the desire for that shit go, I got so much love back. I have amazing children, I have an equally amazing family, I have friendships and not the kind I used to, all these fair weather friends, no, I have a few very close friendships. In fact, two of those friends are taking my daughter and I out to dinner tonight to thank me for some help I offered. 

It makes me want to cry. Out of happiness.

But he made me cry last night with his text, and not because it was something that years ago, I would've died to hear but because I have not healed in the whole dating/men/sex arena. I haven't healed one single bit and I do not want this. Then comes all the old feelings of, "ugh, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be responsible for his feelings." I have to remember that I'm not responsible. I mean, I can't say anything intentionally hurtful and I don't want to but I know in my heart that even if this is an opportunity from the Universe, I'm not ready for it. In this particular lifetime, not gonna happen. When I texted back I did say some things that needed to be said but then I also said, "we can see where it goes" and I should not have said that.

I saw that he read my text immediately when it went through but he did not respond. He tends not to unless I seem to be all in. 

I always, always, always, adjusted myself to what I thought a man might want to hear and I did that a teeny bit but not like always. The bottom line is I won't leave Minnesota, ever, just to travel but I will always come back here. I told him that. The most important thing is my children and even though they are all grown, they are my priority. Sad to say, they should've always been, but my obsession with finding the "one" often times led to their being put second. 

Not cool man. Not fucking cool at all.

So I made it clear that they, and any potential grandchildren, will be my priority.

Yeah, no text back. And I am praying that he just lets this go but I have a feeling in my gut, that that's not going to happen.

I know people still fall in my love at my age, I know that people my age still date, I know that some, still want sex. I know all that. A boy I went to school with from elementary through high school, just married a girl I went to junior high with. I'm not sure how they connected but they did and I watched their relationship develop on FB and then they got married and I'm so happy for both of them.

I still say to myself sometimes that I wish I were "normal." That I could've had a relationship, a marriage or lifelong partnership but it's not the way I was made. I am not normal.

I struggle with many, many things but I have gotten so much closer to self-acceptance and accepting the love of family and friends and I don't go to that place of, "do I deserve this?" anymore. It doesn't matter whether I deserve it or not, I'm fucking grateful to have it.

Real relationships, when I've been in them, do not make me feel safe, they bring out all the feelings of abandonment, of letting go of who I am, this stuff that seems to come natural to some, throws me for a complete loop. I'm not good at intimacy either, not with men. With women, it's not a sexual thing, it's just, for some reason, I can hold hands with my bestie, I can hug my friends and my sister and my kids, I can bare my soul. I cannot do that with a man, any man. 

I have no trust whatsoever.

I do not hate men and y'all are probably thinking, "she doth protest too much" but I really don't. They baffle me, they scare me, they make me feel not safe.

Did this start with my dad's abandonment of my sister and I? You know, yeah, of course that factors in, but I was made different. I do struggle with many things and over the years I've come to realize that it's just me, it's my mental health makeup too, it's...I'm not fucking normal.

Not an excuse.

It is what it is.

So anyways, bla bla bla, fast forward to now. I slept from 9:51PM last night until about 12:15AM and was up until 4AM, when I finally gave in and took a sleeping pill. Then I slept until 8:21 so it was a bad night for me and the struggle has been real all morning.

Yeah, the dude factored in but I've been going hard all week, been to the gym, been grabbing things from my roomie's place and I just deflated and that happened before the text from the dude.

So today, I have two focuses only; organizing my supplies and my file cabinet, and job search.

That's it. And that will be enough.

We will deal with tomorrow when it's tomorrow.

Ok, thanks for hanging in there with this big, old blog.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grubbin

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning!

Wow, another one for the books. This marks 3 consecutive days in a row where I've been knocking it out. What's different? A few things. One is that I take it slow and steady, I don't rush. I take breaks if I need them. I don't let myself think about anything long enough to talk myself out of it. Like, this week I know that I am getting my hair done on Saturday and having a girl's night with my beautiful sister and my beautiful daughters. I know that on Sunday, I'm going to just cook and bake and chill.

So...yeah, I'm all good. Rest is coming. Speaking of rest, not so good last night but I have decided to push through that shit too. I know for a fact that all the stuff I was taking affected me in terms of my heartrate. I'm still not down to where I was but I went down a beat last night again so I'm getting closer. I'll be happy anywhere from 45 to 49.

I've been meditating every morning. Consistency is key, especially now because those tears I talked about yesterday? Yeah, I'll just break down a few times a day and I already have once this morning. It's not sobbing, it's just sorrow and a few tears and then I rally and go on. I honest to god have no idea why this is happening. I'm learning to roll with it and move on.

Yesterday I had planned to work on my file cabinet and my supply bins. Didn't happen. I went over to my roomie's first, to grab my files and he was there. I had planned on cleaning too. At this point, I know that it's not about him, it's about me. I just don't like doing things with people watching me.

So I packed up tons of non-perishables that I had there still and I chatted with him a bit and then I came home, brought it all up. That's something I've been forcing myself to do too, is bring stuff up right away. I don't know when I became such a lazy ass but man...I know that doing this stuff will become the norm but right now, forcing myself to do it feels like walking with a harness on that is pulling a 2000 lb cart through the mud.

Honestly.

Lazy.Mother.Fucker.

But long story short, because I didn't have the files here to work on, I switched modes and reorganized the pantry and some of the big cabinet. There's more to do but we're good for now. My roommate is at work so I'll be starting the activity for the day over there.

I got a lot done yesterday and I made an excellent soup. It was supposed to be stew but I didn't have any cornstarch to thicken it and flour didn't work so whatevah.

It was grubbin!!!!

How am I today? I am working through some fear. Fear about money but for now, I'm good. Today, I'm good. I have this weird sadness thing going on and I let the tears come but then I also only allow them for a few minutes and I get moving. For the most part, I'm staying off of social media. I don't need all that bullshit taking up extra space in my head. And I'm doing some good things this week, I feel accomplished and there is comfort in that. I'm allowing myself to feel that, to feel good about that.

I'm grateful I can do these things. At my age, things start to shift. I have friends who can't do the things I do and so I am grateful.

Alright, well, I hope there's good things to tell you tomorrow. We shall see, we shall see.

It's snowing!!! Oh my Blessed Goddess, it is snowing. Beautiful.

Have a great day loves. Have an amazing day. Or just have a day, a day that is easy on your soul.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Chatter

 

Good Morning,

One of the many nice things about not working is that I can give myself a bit of grace if I don't follow my schedule exactly, like I can change things up if that feels better.

That feels better this morning, changing it up a bit. I got in 6 hours but it took me 9 in bed to do that. It's nuts, ya know?

Whatever, we all know I don't sleep that well. I will just say that again, I did not take anything. I feel so much better in the mornings and according to my fitbit, I get more of the stuff I need, which is REM and Deep sleep. Man, am I having dreams. The thing is, I don't remember many of them. I don't know if I would want to. Mine have always been a bit on the dark side.

My resting heart rate has started going down again, which makes me happy as well. My resting heart rate is usually in the mid to upper 40s and it's gotten as high as 60, which is normal for most people, but not for me.

Anyways, there were things I didn't get done yesterday but there was much I did get done. And I realized, it's good to have a variety because it keeps me going but for some of my "projects", it's gonna have to be the full focus, so it's that today. It's two for one because they go hand in hand and I'll write about that tomorrow when I tell you how I did.

I got through yesterday by taking it steady but slow and not allowing the "chatter" in my head that tells me I'm tired, that it's OK to stop." Like, I literally shot that shit down everytime it came in. It's trying to come in now. I've been a bit tearful this morning.

Yesterday, I wrote about what I did in the morning, you know the gym, my roommate's place and all that. I got everything up and most of it put away, I applied for a couple jobs, I took my daughter shopping so yeah...it was good. It was productive.

I did listen to my body though. I was exhausted by the time I ate dinner. So then I did stop and I took a shower and all that and just took it easy. It's very difficult for me to take it easy without wanting to pig out on something, or smoke like a chimney but I managed it.

I have to believe that each day I push myself on a consistent basis, that it will become easier and easier to do.

The workout at the gym felt great while I was doing it but I'm a bit sore today.

I walk with fear knocking at the door to my brain; fear about so many things and I'm blocking it out, I'm not answering that door but it just makes me realize how fear based in my thinking I am, and it also makes me wonder how long it's been like this.

Letting go of fear for me is like flexing a muscle or lifting a weight. It's hard at first and it actually seems like more comes at me but that's only because I'm aware of it now. You get stronger each time you say, "I see you fear. I see you and I acknowledge your presence but you can't come in. Fuck you."

Yeah, fuck you.

So anyways, there are about 4 things I'm going to work on today, the main two being the projects I told you about and we will just see how they go.

I hope you all have an amazing day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Disintegration

 

Good Morning,

If we were on the East Coast, I couldn't say that but we are not, so good morning.

It's been a productive one already. 

I got up, did my skincare and haircare routine, fed the cats, meditated, made my coffee, made my bed, made my protein shake, went to the gym, did the treadmill and the circuit thingee, sat in the massage chair, went to my roommate's and grabbed what would fit in the car but left the front seat because then I went to Walmart, packed that stuff up, came home, got everything either in the dumpster or up to my place, made my breakfast and now I'm blogging.

The key to all of this is to just take my time, take deep breaths, tell myself, "you got this girl." And, you know, I did. 

There is more, there is always more and we'll see how I maintain as I go through the day. I have so much to do...including job search.

One of the things on my list has to come off because it involves the file cabinet and I wasn't able to get my files over here. Too heavy and wouldn't fit in the car. That's A-OK because like I said, there is plenty on my list.

One of things I've decided is that pretty much all my intentional exercise is going to take place Monday through Friday. I need a break. 

Weekends won't be a total freeby, just no intentional exercise and I want to have more time to dedicate to product making, working on Willow's Whimsy business stuff, grocery shopping and cooking and spending time with friends.

I'm trying to stay off of the phone though. To me, it's such a waste of time when I could be doing other things. Beast is in Washington and my Auntie Weezah is in Florida so those are the only two exceptions. Anyone here, yes, I'll have short conversations but I'd rather meet face to face.

The phone can be a huge trigger for me, especially when I have a lot to do. 

I am excited for this weekend because my sister and both my daughters will be here. We are going to have a girl's night/sleepover.

I am hoping we won't order food, I can't afford it. So I am going to make a couple desserts, and just a ton of finger food stuff; and I hope they like it.

The going out to eat thing for me is nice but I just can't afford it right now. I like cooking for these kinds of things ya know?

Alright. Let's see. What else do I have for you?

Mental health wise, I'm OK today. I've had a few moments of the weepies. My son's precious kitty passed yesterday and I loved her, she lived with me for a brief time when my son first got her. We bonded one time when I doing shrooms, it was hysterical. She was sweet, sassy, a boss bitch all the way and funny when she felt like it. I'm sad. I'm sad for my son and his girlfriend too, these things are fucking hell to go through. 

And you know, my Queen, my baby girl Grey, she's 15 and a half and it just makes me nervous. Things can change so quickly.

Everytime I think about losing her, I disintegrate into tears.

But other than that, I would say on a scale of 0 - 10, my anxiety is at a 3. It's manageable.

I slept over 7 hours last night so you know I'm happy as a MF about that. I haven't had an edible in a week and I haven't taken anything the last 3 nights. Last night was the best of those 3 but I came in at just over 6 the night before last night and I think 5 something the first night. I'll take it.

I do not drink coffee after 12PM. In fact, I usually have just the one cup now, in the morning. I've been pretty active but also very good about slowing down a couple hours before I actually lay my head down.

I've been dreaming a lot but for the most part, not remembering the dreams. I know had one and momma was in it but I can't tell you what she said or did. It was good to see her.

Oh dear, tears again. I can't even think of her without it happening. I suppose maybe someday?

Alright, well this has been a nice little break.

I'm off to do more, to keep plugging away.

Have a great day loves.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Armchair Warriors

 

Hi Everyone,

Bla. That's how I'm rollin' today. Bla.

With me, an awesome kickass day is usually followed by a bla day. The good news is...the apartment is clean!

So a bit of bla can be allowed.

I will say that while I intend to pretty much bla it out today, I will do so from the perspective that I will be mostly at home. 

I do have to pick up groceries (I order them and then pickup) so I'll go out for that. I have to drop my kiddo off at work and pick her up later and I intend to go rollerskating.

But other than that, I need to come up with a plan for the week that includes a good mix of:

• Job Search
• Applying for the delivery job so I have something coming in
• Preparing for my Willow's Whimsy Show
• Finishing up at my roommate's place
• The beginning of the "projects", of which there are many.
• Exercise

You know, I sometimes allow myself to consider the fact that maybe I am slightly bi-polar. Like, a quick cycling bi-polar with most emphasis on depression as opposed to mania. For me, I know what mania would look like so I can be prepared, if it were to turn out that I am slightly bi-polar.

Mania for me is like a drug induced joy.

It's rare these days but that used to always lead to using for me. I no longer am worried about that because when I feel that weirdness coming on, I do a lot to ground myself, I meditate, I go stand outside barefoot, feet planted firmly on the earth, I take a bath because water calms me and then I just lay low. I know not to make decisions when I'm feeling this and I know I just need to stay close to home and to my people.

I write all that because yesterday, while not "high" joyful, I was feeling very positive, very hopeful, very motivated and today...pfffft goes the weasel.

But I do intend to stay busy, just more of a sedentary, relaxed busy if that makes sense.

Yeah, so I got the apartment cleaned yesterday, I went and helped a friend out and talked with her for a bit, then grabbed something to eat and talked to my bestie for hours. I gotta tell you about that phone call. And the phone call with my mom this morning. We are all on the same page about politics and the state of the world, which is that...simply...it is what it is and I am no longer giving that shit any energy. No hate, no fear, no anger. Imma do Denise. I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna work on being the best person I can be, I'm going to slow down and take note of nature, I'm going to love on my animals and if I feel so inclined, I'll fucking do something like sign petitions, donate a bit of money, write my congressman, take part in protests. These armchair warriors are sucking the life out of people so a biggy for me is to stay the hell off of social media too.

The beauty of facebook is that you don't have to actually delete anyone, you can unfollow the fuck out of them and never have to see their shit.

So, we talked about being OK, we talked about self-care, we really didn't go on any rants. I am so sick of the ranters...on both sides and they don't do shit.

Put your money where your mouth is and stop fucking bitching.

Live a life. Trust me, it's worth it, to be engaged in living...without fear, anger, hate, blame, resentment and judgement. 

Understand that when I write a statement like the one above, that I am not a pro at that. It's what I'm striving for, it's what I need to survive this bullshit. It's all bullshit, we have become conditioned little armchair soldiers, most of us.

No more conditioning. I want to be wildly free and live my life. Joy cannot enter where fear reigns. Or anger or any of the other things I mentioned and you know what? I just want some fucking joy.

So yes, I feel like she and I held each other up yesterday, and we were present with each other and we laughed so hard and we talked about life and what we want it to look like and be like and how we want to live and what we want to feel and I felt so good when I got off the phone with her after 3 hours, not depleted and exhausted.

I love you all and I care about you all and I hope that you can strive for what I'm striving for, which is a good heart, peace of mind, help to others, creativity, enjoying life and spending it with friends and family, cooking, pursuing your interests...constantly striving to expand your heart and your knowledge and your spirit.

There you have it. Neecie's words of wisdom. Now go forward and kick some ass.

Be Blessed.

Always. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

• Neecie

Mentality of a Zombie

 

Good Morning!

Oh man, it's so hot in our apartment. I got 5 hours of sleep the last two nights and most of those two nights were spent awake.

Ruminating in the dark is so not the way to go.

I've been without my edibles and I chose that. I'm concerned about drug tests while I look for work. My understanding is that the type of jobs I'd be applying for, they can't test you for THC. Or if they can, they can't hold it against you.

I've tried so many things and it's slowly been getting worse. Except for the occasional anomoly where I log in 7 to 8 hours, my nights are torture.

In spite of that, I have managed to get the apartment together but of course, there is more to do. And I haven't cleaned my roommate's place.

I have zero energy. I literally have one small load left and everything will be out of there. I also got everything that we have over here put away yesterday.

I want to be grateful but we are so crammed in here. I am grateful. I just wanted more open space. When you are crammed in, that leads to messes piling up quickly.

But I did hit it so hard yesterday and it paid off. There is just a bit more to do today so I think I am going to work on cleaning the place again, stocking up on cat food, groceries, toilet paper, that kind of stuff. 

I feel bad putting my roommate off, but I can't do the cleaning while he's there, I just can't. Maybe. We'll see. It would feel good to have it done. Maybe today, I can at least go grab the rest of what's there. I'm sure he noticed I was there yesterday because I got literally everything out of the kitchen, most of the stuff out of my old room.

If I do it, I have to do it soon. 

Then, if I just focus on getting my place cleaned today, I can put it in for next week to clean his place. Done.

Look, I'm not going to lie; it's hard to have a sunny disposition. I'm just so freaking tired. I am well aware of my circumstances right now but I have no motivation. This move, this election and the aftermath, has me thinking and feeling things I long thought I'd let go of. It's so hard not to get mired in fear, worry, doubt, anger.

I'm working on staying the hell off my phone. Too much vitriol on both sides.

I'm working on staying present in each moment and making sure each moment is not about all this shit. You guys, people are inboxing me saying, "aren't you angry?" 

You have to understand that as an addict and as a person with a pretty intense mental health diagnosis, I have to be very careful about how far I allow my emotions to go, cuz those fuckers will take the hell over. And I can't. I just simply can't.

I have no desire to put that shit in my body again, no desire to sit there completely numbed out and thinking about nothing but the next bump.

No.

If nothing else has changed, that has. I flinch from the thought as I would if I put my hand on a hot burner.

No.

I think that it may behoove me to act like a zombie today, just exist and go from one thing to the next with no feeling behind it...until I can bring myself to feel better.

I can talk myself out of anything and so maybe, I should just do. Just do.

I need to figure out the sleep thing too. Taking magnesium really helps me but the stuff that you drink, that CALM stuff? It tastes horrid.

I also don't like taking the hydroxyzine because it's not meant to be taken long term even though doctors will prescribe it on an ongoing basis.

So.

I hope that all of you are weathering what I call the fallout or the aftermath of the election. I mean if you are one side, you are full of hate, blame, anger and fear and if you're on the other, you are being name called, receiving hate and having friends turn on you.

It's ugly.

Anyways, here's to you. I hope you can find some peace in all this today. I hope you can find some joy. It's sunny and beautiful here so I intend to go for a walk. I hope you can do the same.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Far From Perfect

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Lord, I am not hitting it on the posting of the blog this month. You would think I would, given I'm not working but damn...depression follows you no matter what you do.

I am handling the aftermath of the election well. 

And it's sad to me that I'm sortof worried about what I write, you know, could it be held against me at some point?

You know, regardless of my views or my stand on things or what have you? 

I will not let myself go down the rabbit hold of what if's. I will let things unfold as they will but I think it's time for people (all people) to step down off of their soap boxes and get moving, if nothing else to prepare.

I'm not trying to be dramatic and I won't go into what I mean by prepare. It's not apocalyptic or anything like that.

I want to be OK and I think by putting certain possibilities into place, I think maybe I won't feel so helpless and if I can get some of my power back, then that's a good thing, right?

I have seen people I know and love go down the path of righteousness and bitterness. I've seen them start hiding, knowing they aren't doing anything to make change other than post facebook rants.

I can't. I can't be that. 

I am far from perfect. In fact, I am still really struggling with my "meisms" that I wrote about the other day. I really, really am.

ADHD stuff, laziness, procrastination, depression, some fear and anxiety.

It's freezing me up.

So, what to do? What to do that's different than how I usually do stuff, my usual response? 

I guess all of this to say I am so sick of the meisms.

I'm literally sick of myself. That's when it's time to change. 

I'm tired. Can I stop having to change anytime soon? 

Allow me a moment to say, "is a little self-pity" ok to indulge in now and then? I suppose it is, but it certainly doesn't serve a positive purpose.

I went out to eat with a friend for breakfast yesterday. It was so good to talk to someone whose not losing their shit, who is doing some of the "preparing" I talked about and who is trying to look at the big picture as opposed to things like the cost of eggs.

Eggs factor in but there is so much more to this, it goes so much deeper than the cost of eggs, on both sides. 

I needed someone who isn't hysterical and who is of sound mind and staying calm in the center of the storm.

Someone willing to stop bitching and actually take some steps.

I will write more about that as we go. Feeling empowered is a huge step in not getting lost in the world and it's going ons right now.

OK, I will be back and maybe have accomplished some things.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Blurry Around the Edges

 

Good Morning,

Things have been status quo, blurry around the edges and partly good for me of late.

I'm sorry I haven't written, there's really no excuse. I've had the time to do so.

But I've also let myself sortof get caught up in the aftermath of the election. 

I can't do that. 

I can't give into anger, fear, hate, blame.

Acceptance is a bitch but it will set you free. Just like the truth. The problem with truth at it's base nature, is that one person's truth, is not another's. You can't convince anyone of anything.

And so...acceptance. I don't know why the truth of some is different from mine. I have no idea what's in their hearts or what motivates them. I don't know why some people are deeply religious and others struggle (or not) to believe anything.

I mean, it is what it is.

Anger especially, for me, is a recipe for disaster if I stay in it for too long.

Therefore, I plan only to post this blog on my Willow's Whimsy page and a picture of the beautiful basket I've made for the auction I was asked to donate to.

I think that starting out, you know, it's a good thing to do so from the aspect of giving.

I have difficulty keeping commitments so I'm very cautious about them now. And I struggled with this one, not because I don't want to do it but because I'm lazy.

Lazy for me is such a piece of the whole self sabotage thing. 

It's very easy to say yes to someone, I like saying yes, it makes me feel good about myself but that follow through; you have to push. Because then, not only do you feel good about saying yes, but you feel good about actually doing what you said you would.

Today, yes, there is a list. Tonight, I will blog again because my intention is to start blogging in the evenings but tonight is when I'll share how the list went, what I accomplished.

It's my intention to fill my days with many things as opposed to only working on one thing. If I do that, I'll go nuts, I'll crash and I won't do shit.

But I will share my day with you at that time. 

Intentions are great but with no followup, man...they suck.

I'm done beating myself up. I'm one person.

I'm OK.

So, on with my day. I hope yours is productive. Put some effort into something for self-care, even if it's just taking 10 deep breaths. 

It all counts, it all matters.

I'm in.

I align myself with the flow. It's easy, once you quiet yourself enough, to know when you are no longer aligned.

Have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Organized? Me? Nah.

 

Hello and Good Evening,

Geez, the last hour and a half has been a nightmare. But I'm at the end of it so I can laugh.

The word for the day, Miss Neecie, is ORGANIZATION.

I could not find my bathbomb molds anywhere. Went over to my former roomie's, not there. Came home, tore shit up, not there. Went through my car, not there. Went down to the storage locker, forgot my locker key, came back, grabbed it but then couldn't find my apartment keys which I just literally had because I needed them to get back in my apartment.

Tore more shit up, made an unholy mess, finally found them, then couldn't find the locker keys cuz I set them down when I couldn't find the apartment keys.

Well, I made it to the storage locker, both sets of keys in tow, found the molds. Made the bathbombs. They are just a plain pink but a beautiful pink.

I made some gorgeous soaps too. 

I'm about to start grinding sugar down into more of a powder consistency and will use this to make a sugar scrub.

The last thing on the list is a body butter.

That I will make tomorrow.

I stayed busy today. I woke up energized and more importantly, happy. My sister from another mister and anutha mutha were texting and I was doing voice texting and it changed your absolutely right to your absolute crap. I just about died so I texted her right back and said, "RIGHT, not CRAP". I was laughing so hard, like out loud guffaw laughing. It felt so good to laugh like that.

Oh my God.

Yeah and it was just running errands and making dinner for myself and getting ready for all these life changes and goals. 

My lunch was so filling, oh my God, it was hours ago and y'girl is still full.

I did 4 loads of laundry too.

Talked to my friend Tracy, we made plans to meet for breakfast Monday morning because she has a 4 day weekend.

I'm coming out from under this dark cloud I've existed under. 

You don't realize how stressed you are and how it's affected you until you are free.

Man.

Not much of a blog today, I'm just happy and excited.

So I'm gonna go and make an amazing ass sugar scrub and I shall be back tomorrow.

My frickin' keys are now in the little bowl I made that says, "Where The Fuck Are My Keys?"

Love you all to pieces.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Meisms

 

Hello,

Well, I've had a few days off from blogging. No real reason. I've had a day off from work too. I dropped my nametag and fob off at the end of my day yesterday and said that I wouldn't be returning.

Yesterday was unbelievable.

I don't even know what to say. I can't put all of the blame on them because anywhere I go, there I am. You know what I mean, right?

But this company sets it's employees up for failure. And for someone like me, who is only ever as good as my management, I didn't stand a chance, not with all my "meisms."

Why even go on a diatribe about it?

Again, though. Please do not ever put your elderly loved ones in a senior care facility. Please don't. Yes, some of the employees are at fault but again, the wages are horrible for caregivers and it is very hard to find good people who will go the extra mile for the wages provided so you hold onto shitty employees, or you allow the good ones to lose their passion, to disengage, because of lack of morale and then you blame them.

Your parents will suffer. This is not a one facility problem either, it's a nationwide problem. We have come so far medically in this country that our bodies long outlive our minds and what are we to do with that? Well, let's stick 'em in a "senior care facility" which is nothing more than a nursing home, though these facilities vehemently deny that and balk at the term.

Where I worked, it was one of the better ones but even so, I could tell stories if I so chose. But I don't choose that.

Our new Executive Director came onboard this week and I got a taste of exactly what people are going to be dealing with.

Bye Felicia.

Again, not even worth the story. What makes this so hard for me is that it's part of my pattern too. Like I said, I brought me to the equation. But I refuse to do what I've done in the past which is to take on all the onus, I'm bad, I'm so bad, bla bla, fucking bla. 

Nope, this time, I'm putting blame where it belongs. Me? 30%. Them? 70 if not more.

So here I am and I have mostly slept today but tomorrow it's time to get on with the life I want. It's going to take time, commitment, motivation and accountability to myself.

I'm not here to make excuses or bullshit.

What I can tell you is that last night, I slept. This morning, I did not shit my brains out. Today, I have done relatively little skin picking.

Those are facts.

No regrets. Only for the residents but I exchanged numbers with all the ones that I have built relationships with and have already spoken with most of them today.

They may be older than me, but they are by no means dumb. They see things too. And I saw it and many of the things I saw, it goes back to the nationwide issue I already mentioned. 

I would encourage all of you to get involved and to try and make a difference by writing your congress women and men. I would demand tighter restrictions on caregiver to resident ratios, pay for caregivers, not allowing a caregiver to work more than 2 shifts in a row and with at least 10 hours off between double shifts. There also need to be caps on charges for these places. Nurses, not just LPNs either but RNs. 

Do it and do it now because it's gonna be your ass sitting in one of these places someday, unless your family is that dedicated to you. And I think families mean well but they are put between a rock and a hard place too. I gave up on Mom and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. There were some valid reasons but those are all behind us now and I'm not going to go into it, it's water over the dam.

I am not lying to you when I tell you that if I get any kind of progressive, uncurable diagnosis, I'm taking myself out before it's too late.

I've told everyone in my family this, including my children. They know. It's not the person as they are that you want to hold on to, it's who they were, it's the memories for the most part. Mom was easy thankfully, she didn't get the anger and the "behaviors" that some with dementia do. I don't want my family to remember me for "behaviors".

Shit, I've had enough "behaviors" in my normal life, I'm not gonna retraumatize my kids or my sister or anyone else whose had to deal with my shit over the years.

And you know what? No one should be allowed to profit off of dementia. It's sickening.

Whatever, I'm done now. It's over. 

I have some come out of this with some beautiful friendships and for that, I am deeply grateful.

Next.

Ah, my darlings, my lists on this blog shall be a thing of the past. I am going to blog in the evenings now and tell you of my accomplishments each day as opposed to my intentions. Intentions are only as potent as the actions behind them.

So let us focus on that.

I am once again deactivating all prior blogs and starting fresh again.

I'm going to work on changing up my Willow's Whimsy Facebook page and since traffic will be directed there, I feel that this blog needs to change once and for all.

I have worked hard at making it a place of positivity but ah, I am human after all. So let's try this yet again.

I have hope today. I feel rested and at peace today. My heart is full today. I don't have fear today.

The world is good and I am good.

I hope you have had a productive, joyful day and if not, that you at least had some joy, that you were kind and gentle with yourself. I hope that you did something good for others and that you were truthful and went forward with integrity. These are things I strive for.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie