Once again, I struggle to prioritize. Can I just say I hate prioritizing? Can't just being north of the earth be an accomplishment.
I'm good in general but some of this mental health shit and the fall out of the disorder I have...it can still get to me. Since I can't go bGettiack to therapy just yet, I am going to have to just start reading my DBT workbook again. Because things are affecting me. Well not even things, nothing specific just my "shit."
I didn't really sleep well the last 4 nights in a row. I think I may have already mentioned that I discovered (by accident quite frankly) that there seems to be a link between depression and the edibles for me. I may have to weigh what's worse...you know the depression for the edibles or the depression from not sleeping as much.
And today I have a lot of anxiety. I'm determined to push through so that's all good but I do get crazy when too many nights of this in a row occurs.
Last night, I guess it was about 1:38 in the morning, and I was still awake and I just started sobbing, like snot running down my nose sobbing.
I have been a little heightened ever since I got a bug up me arse to find out about my mom's friend...you know if she was still alive, etc. and when I found out she is, and that she's in the same place, I wanted to go see her. But it fucked with me and I have no idea why. I'm terrified to go see her. And you know, her dementia came before moms and was much, much worse. I am at peace with making the decision not to go see her. I chose this for me and for her. It could deeply upset her to see me, it could upset or confuse her to find out that mom is gone and she wouldn't remember it anyways. And as for me, I think I miss my dear momma more than I realized. I think that from the moment I realized that mom's memory issues were actual dementia to the moment she passed...that it was all one big trauma for me.
It's life.
I don't need to revisit any of that on here, it was devastating for me. I think I just...from relatively early on, we understand that we will all die. It's just...she was a frickin' superstar, she was a terminator, she rocked it. And I think that even though you know something is coming, it still hits like a shit-ton of bricks when it does go down. I miss her. And seeing her friend, I don't think I'd be able to separate the two. I think it would hurt me too much.
So the cons seem to far outweigh the pros here.
Anyways, I made myself a very doable list for today and I feel already that I'm wasting it but the things on that list, including this blog, are slowly being accomplished. And even though it's humid AF outside, I am going to go for a 30 minute walk. I am also going to the gym and there's more but whatever.
Point is, I'm trying to get back into being healthy. And so for sure no nap, for sure no caffeine after 4. For sure, no evening snacking. I know what time I'm going to pick my daughter up and so tonight, I'm going to take actual medication and no edibles and also drink the CALM stuff because that seems to help.
If I sleep, I sleep and if I don't...I'll deal with it. The harder I go during the day, and the more downtime I can give myself before sleep and mixed with the things in the paragraph above, I will hopefully be able to get 6 to 7 hours.
Aaaand I just blew up on my daughter...sometimes shit...you know, it releases toxic gases, that if not given a vent in which to escape, it blows. It blows.
The situation is not one I will write about because it's her business but when the business of anyone else affects me with no resolution in sight, Imma blow a gasket.
Enough said.
Enough said.
I have not meditated today and clearly, I need to do that.
This too shall pass.
I'm ok guys, just...gonna do what I do and get through.
I hope you all are having a good day.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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